Seeking New Ideas on How to Handle 4 1/2 Yr Old Who Is Very Contrary.

Wow...you have just described my oldest to a tee!! He is the most fun loving, passionate, smart individual...but also the most challenging. I am sorry to say that I have not found how to deal with him when he gets this way yet...but I am definitely actively working on it. I try not to yell (which takes a LOT of self control!!), and try and use positive reinforcements...but it is HARD!! When he is good he is the most amazing kid on the universe...when he is acting out he is a tyrant! I hope you get some good responses. Mine is just to say you aren't the only one!! Hang in there, you are doing an awesome job...and for a second time around...you should be commended.

Good luck! H. Z. (SAHM to 3 boys Spencer 5, James 4, and Wilco 17 months)

There is a whole series of books by Louise Bates Ames that I found informative and comforting during trying times. Check it out from your local library and see if you like them as guides.
Your One-Year-Old: The Fun-Loving, Fussy 12-To 24-Month-Old by Louise Bates Ames; Your Two-Year-Old: Terrible or Tender; Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy; Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful; Your Five Year Old: Sunny and Serene; Etc............

Four is a challenging year. To me it seemed more challenging than the "terrible twos" we hear about.Reading through parenting books, even your second time around, can provide support and new lens to see your child/grandchild through.

Many Blessings,
M.

Hi S.,

I do not have the answers to your question but wanted to let you know that I am experiencing the same situation with my 4 1/2 yr old so its not you! - he is a twin - the other does not behave in that manner. I hope some of the other readers can help us both- good luck

I think you are doing just the right thing. Some children are very strong willed, and will fight you every step of the way. The only thing that I can offer as advice is maybe to handle your walking away differently. I obviously don't know the circumstances which brought her under your care, but saying "I am upset with you, and need to calm down", she may relate that to her mother being "upset with her", and leaving her (as I'm sure is not the case, she just may think that).That may be why she immeadiately becomes upset, and needs a hug for reassurance. A better approach might be something like: " I love you, and want you to be a good girl. Why don't we both take a few min. to figure out how we can make that happen?" Hopefully that will give you both enough of a break to decompress, while solidifying the the expected outcome. God Bless you for stepping up and taking care of your little one, I wish you all the best.

Hi,
your letter reminds me very much of my 6 yr old daughter,
at 4.5 yrs. I have four children, so I have the perspective that personality plays a roll - not just your parenting.
My daughter would have these awful awful fits, just like you described. I have many times been almost calling the child psych for her - I have to say, it seems like my daughters "fits" are triggered by her being out of control - e.g., her favorite socks are not available, and I am in a rush to get to work, and , well, things roll down a slope from there. SHe just needs a bit more planning from me, a bit more control than the others, she is less able to "
go with the flow". She's seems to have a bit of a OCD or sensory problem sometimes. "The world is too much with us, late and soon." Like that. I am describing this to you, because, now, at 6, we seem to have weathered the storm pretty well. She is a little older, and can control herself a bit more. She can make it through things that would have been a real crisis before, and hold herself in check. Not always, most of the time. Keep in mind that you may see this behavior, after she has held herself in check all day long with other people - she is venting to you, the place she is safest. She may be taking it out on you, her sadness at being different, having a mom who is separated from her. I think that played a roll in my daughter's fits - she had been pulled from her surroundings unfairly, and I think this was how she ended up expressing her grief. Basically, maybe this is how your granddaughter is expressing sadness about something? Maybe talking with a psych would be a good thing? And also , it is a combination of her existing person and you, not just your parenting. For what it is worth. Take care & good luck to both you and her.

Hello S., I'm going to be very frank with you. You need professional support for you and your child. There are wonderful family play therapists out there. I reccommend you do not wait another hour before contacting someone near you. I believe you are too close to this situation to see clearly. In your request you state your little girl has communication with her (biological) mother but that its 'limited to letters and phone calls'. As if this isn't disruptive enough for her, you then say she spends her day away with caretakers at pre-school and daycare all day. No matter how loving a setting, for a child already feeling abandoned by her Mom, this can be a scary situation for her...wondering if you will show up every day. With great respect I suggest you can't see the forest from the trees. This little one is terrified you will leave her, and 'tests the waters' daily with you...please get professional support. Play therapists are wonderful for the entire family. Perhaps there's one in this venue that will respond to you. Good luck and Blessed Be. N.

I'm a big fan of the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk". Check it out.

Hi S.,
I have a 4 year old daughter, soon to be 5. Up until a week or so ago, she fit your granddaughter's description to a T! She is warm and compassionate, bright and active, a wonderful child. But she was a royal complainer and whiner. I responded the same way as you, calm and rational, and felt completely emotionally drained at the end of each day.

Recently, however, we reached the light at the end of this particular tunnel. She is calmer and easier to reason with in most , if not all, situations that used to put her over the edge.

Consequently, in school, she just mastered a few serious cognitive milestones - blending sounds and adding numbers. As a Montessori teacher myself, I have witnessed that kids who are struggling with a new skill often lose ground somewhere else in their life, be it emotionally or physically. Lots of kids lose gains in potty training, some get clumsy, others, like my girl, get weepy and whiny.

So, I'm chalking it up to brain development and leaving those gray days behind us. I hope that the fifth birthday is as enlightening for your granddaughter as it was for my girl! Good luck!

L. A

Hi S.:

I have a 41/2 year old as well and you have described much of the behavior that we encounter everyday!

I would not take the last comment below to heart...yes your granddaughter has more concerns to acknowledge than the average child her age with the Mom situation but I wouldn't blame yourself that you are doing something wrong either. A therapist may be helpful to assist in finding the best approach to supporting your gd while dealing with her behavior.

Here are a few things we have instituted... a "use your words" jar with our son. He can earn a nickle everytime he remembers to use words vs. whining/tantrums that he can use to buy something he wants. He has been very excited about this. Also have sat down and layed out some behavior simple"rules"; one warning if he is not listening or having a fit about something he doesn't like when asked to do something. After one warning there is a consequence (that we were clear a head of time what it whould be).

finally, I have found giving him important "jobs" at home like helping his little sister and making a point to spend 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time with hime each day has really helped.

I know how frustrating it is and how you second guess yourself. It can be so stressful. Remember you are not alone:)

take care, N. R.

I have been researching the same question. My almost-4-year-old son goes from sweet and willing to please to surly and obnoxious in a flash.
An article that I read recently, suggested that there are developmental "waves" of calm and disquiet that go roughly with the years and halves (ex: calm at 2, challenging at 2.5, calm at 3, challenging at 3.5, etc.). The article explained how the developmental process ebbs and flows from kids feeling like they are in control to feeling overwhelmed by new challenges in their world. Think about what may be challenging in her world (like not seeing her mom). Sounds like a tough phase...try to reassure her that her mom loves her and that you also love her.
There is also a lot to consider about how you are instilling good values and behavior in your child/
grandchild. I was part of a developmental study a few years ago. They used a book/program as a learning tool that I found very useful (I still refer to it). It is called "The Incredible Years" by Carolyn Webster_Stratton, Ph.D. (They have a website www.incredibleyears.com, but I haven't checked it out). I also recommend the book "The Discipline Book" by Sears & Sears. Both books teach tools for tolerance, and transforming negative behavior.
What I remember being most useful is: Try to catch the child in positive behaviors and praise her for them, this instills a sense of pride as well as your approval. Try this for a few days. See if you can praise her at least once every hour that you are with her. At the same time, try your best to completely ignore the negative behavior (unless it is hurting someone or breaking something). Also, ignore her when she is misbehaving. (Don't make eye contact). She wants your attention and she will go for the easiest way (which is often negative attention). If you ONLY respond to the positive, then she will start to behave better to get your attention. Also, if she feels that you support her and are a positive force in her life, she will desire to please you (and to het more praise herself). I saw great improvements in my son when I was able to employ these ideas.
Good luck to you. Would love to hear about your progress. --- S. O.

Hi S.,
I do not normally respond to inquiries such as this, but I felt the need to once I read your note. I also have a daughter who will be 5 in Januray. She is a very good girl but does do the things you described in your note on an average once or even twice a day. She is my first born. I also have a 19 month old. My husband and I apply a good amount of dicipline with our kids. I think this is normal and it is part of their personality. I have learned that it is important to be consistant with your words and actions. If you say she is going to get a time out or alone time in her room, you need to do it. I kept my daughter home from dancing class this past saturday because she would not listen to me. She was "punished" in her room for about 10 minutes. For the remainder of the day, she was a very well behaved child. She even stated to me that she did not go to dance because she did not listen to me and she apologized. Sometimes I feel like she is pushing me until I "break" or give in. I have learned, do not give in. At this age, they do know right from wrong. I dont think they fully understand reasoning and sometimes consequences yet, but they do understand when they are doing something wrong or right. Continue to be patient (taking some deep breaths, a I do) and continue to be stern and disciplined. They will thank us when they get older.
Good Luck,
R.

This is my 4 1/2 year old to a T. I often say "Who flipped the switch?" because that is what it feels like. Just be as consistent as you can. Counting 1-2-3 for him has worked well -- If he is getting upset he knows if I have to count and I get to 3 he is in timeout. If he continues he has to go have timeout on his bed for a little longer. A sticker chart has also worked wonders for him. They really like getting caught on the positive. Getting dressed in the morning is the worst part daily. I have found consistent routines work well for him -- I actually posted pictures of what to do in the morning so he can follow them himself -- and giving him independence to do things by himself (like getting dressed). The problem is now we have complete meltdowns when we stray from those routines!

Good luck and know there are lots of us in the same boat!

E.