Seeking Some Advice for a Mom with Teen Daughter and Boyfriend

Hi R.. I know everyone is different, but what worked for me when I despised my mom's boyfriend was when my mom and I started doing stuff together, without him. If she feels anything like I did, she feels like he is taking you away from her and that you care about him more than you do her. Maybe you could have a few girls days out and take her to the mall or a movie or something (even if it means spending a little money on her) it just might be worth it to get them closer. Also, when you are alone with her, don't talk about him right away. It will only make her upset because she will think that you would rather be with him than with her. After my mom and I started hanging out more, it made me realize that he wasn't the only person in her life and I slowly grew to accept him. I hope this helps!

R.,
I know that this can be a tough situation. Not everyone is the same when it comes to accepting another, especially when you are a teenager. Perhaps you might want to make sure you are spending one on one time with your daughter, giving her that little bit of extra time to let her know you are there for her as well. She might feel as though he is intruding upon her territory. Also, in this type of situation be aware of who the adult is in the situation. (All judgement set aside)What I mean by that is, pay close attention to your boyfriends behaviors and actions/reactions towards your daughter. Does he act like the adult or does he give her just as much grief and she does him? This might be something to bring to his attention if he is acting just as childish. My mothers boyfriend when I was a teenager would instigate a situation or come back at me full force rather then being adult like and properly dealling with the situation. Good luck this is a tough one but you will make it! Keep your chin up!! C.

I agree with the other posters about spending time just with your daughter. Also, are the negative vibes and attitude all coming from your daughter, or is your boyfriend responding with attitude and negativity too? It's up to you and your boyfriend to make sure that he's not doing or saying anything to give your daughter legitimate reason to dislike him. Maybe your boyfriend shouldn't live with you until this is worked out...I don't know. I guess I don't have enough info to really give you any solid advice.

If my daughter was uncomfortable with a man in the house, I would marry the guy or just date him. She is very uncomfortable with this dude and I think her feelings at only 15 years are very important to her and should be to you too. Make her look you eyeball to eyeball contact and ask her WHY he makes her very uncomfortable. Be prepared for her saying nothing mom. or blowing you off. Be determined and insist she look you in the eye woman to woman and talk to you about it. Ask her what shrinks ask their clients:" I live with ?. What are your feelings on this"? How does that make you feel? That must be hard. If you want a friend with benefits, just date the dude if she is not wanting to live with him too. She has no say? She really has no choice here does she if you dont give her one. She needs to come first! She is a minor and you may not be prepared for her truthfull answer. If he creeps her out mom, I would be worried and want to know WHY?! To keep the peace, make the guy move out and NOT your daughter. She will be 18 soon enough and then will for sure move out if this guy doens't. You should be thinking of her happiness, security and lack of anxiety as HOME should be a place to feel safe and relax and escape the craziness of the growing more violent world she is living in. Choose her first and her feelings. They are valid to her. You can keep your friend for life in your daughter or enstrange her forever ,as she will always remember you chose this stranger (to her) over your own daughter.Just a thought

Hi R. –

I can’t give you advice from the daughter’s point of view but I can give you advice from a wife’s point of view whose husband went through the same thing with his father. Granted, my husband was a lot older when this happened but the message is still the same and that is: listen to your daughter. When my mother-in-law passed away a lot of people thought my husband would have a hard time seeing his father get remarried but in reality it was just the opposite. He really wanted his dad to remarry and looked forward to his happiness. The problem that arose was the woman he was going to remarry. She is an old friend of the family and a lot of people thought it would be great. My husband felt otherwise. He went to his father on many occasions and tried to talk with him about his concerns for his father’s well being and happiness but his father wouldn’t listen and they married. It has been very hard on us to watch his father go through the things we tried to warn him about. Sadly, it has driven a wedge between our families and my husband feels that he has now lost both parents.

In short – build that mother/daughter relationship that is so important and then listen to what she has to say. Just as you only have her best interest in mind your daughter only has your best interest in mind too. As another woman said and as my husband tried to do – your daughter could be telling you something you don’t see.

Good luck and all the best!

R.,
In my experiance as the child in this situation. I know that I didnt like the way the man might have treated my mother or how he was taking the time that we deserved more. No man is ever worth your kids not being happy. Maybe you two should do a couple of things alone each week or at least each month and you need to listen to what she is saying. She might me telling you there is another issue there. I know it might be hard to hear but in the end it just might help the situation.

Hi R.,
I was a single parent when my kids were growing up and at the time I wasn't a Christian and I had boyfriends. My kids would act up more when I had someone living with me or I was seeing someone and now that I look back I believe they seen them as a threat. Like I wouldn't have time for them anymore and when I look back on it now I see that we did less together and all they wanted was me. Maybe things would improve in your situation if you had a night sit aside for just you and her, and go to dinner, movies, shopping, etc. spend quality time with her. I learned along time ago it isn't how much time you spend with your child it is how that time is spent that means the world to them.

I wish when my kids were growing up that first I was a Christian as I am now, but that I would have had someone to give me some advice instead of the men saying they were just brats, and spoiled.

My husband I have now they adore. They all get along and it is wonderful. My kids are grown now and I maybe a grandma soon we should find out soon.

Good luck
God Bless
L.

It is tough, firdt of sll, you need to let them work thingd out as much as possible.That means no mediating! I know from experience. Is he trying to be a father figure or a friend? You can't let him discipline...It is your job....Counselors advice....Does she respect him? Do they have anything that they coud go do to "bond"? I encouraged my daughter (16yo) to go on a date night. It could be whatever they wanted and I didn't even ask. they have to build their own relationip. It is too late for someone to come long and try to father her....unless it is on her terms.Has he let her know that he is not trying to replace her dad? Is her dad in the picture? Is she angry...jealous...resentful? These are all normal emotions for this age, not to mention another person taking your time and attention. You might even consider some counseling....If this is a long term relationship. She may even be afraid to get close to him because she doesn't want to get hurt....I know I am rambling...I have been where you are and I know how frustrating it is to have 2 people that you love pulling you in 2..NO FUN!!!!! It took a counselor to get all of this knowedge and direction. He told my then boyfriend that tis is her childhood, not his. That was hard because he had these grand ideas of how he was going to "help" her by sharing some of his parents parenting...Doesn't work...It is different kid, different foundation....It was she and I for so...many years and she was spoiled and I gave her way too much power for a child..not healthy...I have come a long way and am the one that has the authority now. She respects him for not trying to "tell" her, but "ask" her. Little does she know that I do consult him and it helps me.
Good Luck!
G.