Seeking Support for Teenage Blues

Hey G.,

My 16 years old went through that and is now just finding his way. The two things I stressed with him is that He didn't have a choice, that under no circumstance this is where he will be till he is 21 unless he went to college. He doesn't have a choice to leave, I made sure know matter what the day brought to him I hugged him every night with an I love you. I also got him to focus on that he will be soon an adult and focussed him on what he wanted to do with his life in the future and didn't put alot of stock in being a teen anymore. Just reach out let him know that he needs to know as a mother his place is always the most important to us. In the end it's better that he cries then you cries. Hope you get peace with him. C.

Hi G., I had a few qusetions about your son's situation. Is he seeing a therapist for his anxiety and depression? If not, I think it might be a good idea as medication alone can't solve the whole problem. If he is, maybe the therapist can help and intervene.Somtimes having a person that they view "on thier side" can really help them see things clearer, maybe even the same things you are trying to tell him. The other thing I would think about is the medication itself. Although antidepressants are very effective in teenagers, if not monitored closely can sometimes have an adverse effect. Hope I haven't stepped over bounds by the things I've mentioned. Let me know your thoughts. T.

Hi G.,
You are definitely headed in the right direction having clear limits and rules. That said, it is also important to realize that teens' brains are not fully developed - they aren't "cooked" until mid-twenties. Brains develop basically back to front, and the logical, rational thinking part, the prefrontal cortex is behind our foreheads, so that's last. This isn't to say that kids aren't capable of complex logical thought, but when stress is added into the mix, the prefrontal cortex isn't strong enough to stay in control, so the amygdala, the emotional center, takes over.
I know this is long winded, but what it boils down to is that kids' emotions - including their depressions can be 50% stronger than adults'. So this is something to take seriously (which you are).
I don't think there is anyone on the planet who will tell you how much they know and how little you know as much as an adolescent boy will, but it is critical for you to remain strong in knowing your boundaries. Do work really hard though to keep the lines of communication open and to feel like you can negotiate as long as you don't feel like he is just manipulating and taking advantage of you. Your line of needing follow up treatment and to finish HS certainly seems reasonable, but maybe there are some finer points you can concede - Good Luck - I'm pulling for you!!!

Hi G.,

I suggest you check out a support group called FA (Families Annonymous). If there is one in your area, I think it would be of great comfort to you. Also, you have to be concerned about teens on antidepressants. There is a high risk of suicide. Here lies the problem...you can't let your fear interfer with the discipline...easier said then done, I know!! In my opinion, you need to sit down with your son and give him the rules for living at home and what you expect from him. You also need to tell him the consequences if he doesn't follow the rules. Here lies the hardest part. You can not give out rules and consequences unless you are committed to constantly enforce them. The first time you don't enforce the rules and consequences it's all over for you and the situation will become out of control. No one wants to think their children are drinking or doing drugs. When a child is depressed and becoming defiant as you discribe, more times then not they are drinking and/or using drugs to self medicate. I didn't want to believe it of 2 out of 3 of my children. I know it's a tough pill to swallow but something you should consider. Also, it doesn't matter how long ago you were divorced, but we need to sit down with all our children and discuss how they felt about the divorce and if they still have issues with our being divorced. Check out Oprah.com on Children of Divorced Parents to get some help. I was amazed that my grown children still have issues about my divorce.

Good Luck

Do you have a YMCA he could join. Working out, getting healthy and feeling good about yourself at that age is very important. Is there any activities that he can get involved in that may boost his self worth. At this point young adults are trying to find themselves and they need some "grown up" responsibility and respect. Rules have to be set but ask him what rules he feels are important and you tell him what rules you find important and come to some sort of compormise. I know that people say,"Im the adult, your my child and what I say goes." They are hearing " BLAH BLAH BLAH!" Give them some credit they Know at this point right from wrong and you need to start listening to the young adult before you. Young adults tell you everything you need to know without saying a word, its alot easier if they would just tell us but I'm sure we all know what we were like back then. (Those were the days)On that note remember what it was like being at that age and use those experiences to talk to your child OPEN your life up to him and he will do the same.
About the medication you know that is something not to mess around with contact the doctor and start asking questions there are ways to make him get the help he needs if need be thats where you still have some control.

Hi! My name is T., I also live in Willard! I dont have a teenage son but I do have 3 girls and 3 boys ages 13 to 5. However my baby son passed away when he was 2, he would be 5 now. I also have custody of my nephew that NEEDS serious counciling and medication and a residential time setting. My 9 year old son is on medication for depression and anxiety, if you dont mind me asking what medication is your son on. I ask cause my 9 year old also has problems in school and house rules. And I also wonder sometimes if it is the medication. I also notice that my 13 year old daughter isstaring to loose interest in following house rules but is doing very well in school. Is this a normal part of the teenage process? I would love to chat and maybe try to help the best that I can. My husbands little sister is 17 and her mom had gone thru alot with her with school, house rules, ect. She was going to Romulus school but has now been moved to Red Jacket, a bus comes to Romulus to pick her up. She also is on medication. Hope to hear from you ~~~ T.

I would speak to his therapist and/or possible set up a family meeting or an appt. with just the two of you to discuss his recent behavior. I have a 21 year old son and raised him alone until he was 14. We were best buddies and are still close but he has copped attitudes at one time or another. I usually try not to overreact to any of that and let him get out of his funk on his own. I don't know anything about your situation other than what you have said so can't offer much more in the way of advice. If he's on meds you definitely need to watch him closely and keep in touch with the doc who prescribed them. How does he get along with your husband? Have they had a good relationship? Is your husband concerned? It worries me that you are looking for support here and may not be getting any from your husband : (

i would call his prescribing doctor first to discuss the meds. does he see a counselor? i would go that route next. how about his guidance counselor at school. i'm sure they have some stats on success and jobs with/without an education. well, he can't drop out at 16 without your consent. i would desperately try to keep him at home, even if that means he drops out, works, and pays rent. maybe he needs some financial reality. there are no easy answers.

G.,

Sending hugs and support your way!! He sounds like he's very depressed. Its possible he needs a change in medication/dosage. I'm not the type to treat everything with meds but depression is very serious and needs to be treated asap. Its hard for someone who is experiencing these feelings to think and reason. You will need to have a lot of patience and LISTEN. Let him know that you are going to help him feel better. Thats most important. After that he may be more reasonable and able to better cope with the pressures of school. Good Luck.

G.,

I feel for you! You are in a very tough position because you can see the likely negative outcomes of his choices and it seems like he can't. Of course you want to do or say anything that will change his mind and get him back on track.

My only advice at this point would be to remember that none of this will be resolved in a single conversation tomorrow, but that this conversation can make or break communication between you in the future. That he called you to meet tells me that when the dust settles, he still wants your input and wants you involved in his life in some way.

So maybe focus tomorrow on communicating that even though you don't agree with his choice to move out, you understand his desire to do so - validating his feelings will help him feel less defensive and more likely to listen to what you have to say. Ask him why he wants to move out and really listen to his answers. If you can understand any part of it, let him know that. Then tell him your concerns in the most gentle, non-judgmental way you possibly can. Let him know you're there for him no matter what, but also that you have limits to what you will support because you care about him.

I know it's hard - do your best to be as non-attacking and as gentle as possible. This doesn't mean agreeing with everything he says, it just means communicating that you're willing to listen and that you respect him, even if you don't agree with him.

Good luck with this situation - I know it will take a lot of time and patience. Again, it sounds to me like he still wants your input and to have a relationship with you. Maybe I am overly optimistic, but that makes me believe that you two will find a way to negotiate this.

Good luck - please let us know what happens!