Separating from Husband. Any Parenting Advice?

Hello T.:

Sorry to hear about your coming decisions and I hope the best for all of you. There is a Dr. out there M. Gary Neuman, that is fantastic in this area. He wrote a book called Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce, the Sandcastles Way. You can also find all of this on his website.

http://www.mgaryneuman.com/gbd.html

Hi-

I split up with my husband when my daughter was two and was also a SAHM. I ended up not being able to continue staying at home full time, but I did work it out where I only went back to work part time. I think that helped my daughter make the transition and I felt more comfortable only having to put her in part time preschool. If you can get your ex to help for the next year, I found that having someone else care for my child at 3 was easier for me than at 2. Unfortunately, if your ex doesn't cooperate, Washington state doesn't believe in SAHM moms. They actually imputed my income assuming a full time job so when they were figuring out child support they gave an assumed income even though I wasn't working. The state believes that if you can work you should work. It's pretty lame in terms of raising a child.

Two good books you should pick up are "Mom's House, Dad's House" and "The Good Divorce". Both of them focus a bit more on older kids, but I have returned to them over and over whenever I wasn't sure of something.

The main thing I can offer is to really work hard on separating how you feel about your ex-husband and his role as a parent. It's so important for your son to see his father as MUCH as possible. It's equally important that he never hears you badmouthing him (which can be challenging sometimes when you're getting a divorce and the ex is acting like a total douchebag).

I'm sure I could go on and on and on (my divorce took a year and was just finalized this last May). If you need anything, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com luck and take good care of yourself during this time.

-M.

Take heart. I don't know what your situation is, but you can all come through this well. I have been down the road of a seperation and back and it is difficult.
First of all, I would say to be cautious about how you talk about your husband around or even within earshot of your youngster and how you allow others to talk about him in your presence and your son's presence. It's so important for kids to know their parents care about eachother even though they may not be together... if for no other reason than the fact that you share a child. It's also important because you don't want to be responsible for shaping your child's view of your husband. If he's a bad parent, your son will be able to draw that conclusion all on his own as he grows up. Your husband will have only himself to thank for that. If he's a great parent, how wonderful for your son and also for you!
Also, I wouldn't recommend having "discussions" with your husband about your relationship status or who get your child when and where anywhere near your son. You don't want him thinking any of this is his fault. When you are all together, tell your son how much you both love him and are trying to work things out so you can all be happy. Be sure to explain that you may not be able to live together for that to happen. He may be 2, but 2 year-olds understand more than we think they do.
Other than that, I would say it's important to prove you're willing and able to provide for your son on your own. When you ask for support, make it just for your son to help pay for childcare and other needs that you will undoubtedly have as a, now, single parent going back to work. Keep receipts to prove where the money he gives you for your son goes... clothes, food, diapers, daycare, doctor visits, activities, etc.
I would also recommend not bringing another man (friend, roll model, whatever) into the picture... at least while your son is present and until this is resolved one way or another. This could give your husband the illusion that you are trying to replace him in your son's life. Bad juju. He needs to feel that he is still going to be allowed in his son's life as his dad. Your son needs a dad, let his father be first in line for the job.
Finally, I would say to get the support you need. If you need to talk to someone about how aweful things are at the moment or whatever, wait until your son is somewhere else. Make a play date for him and get some time for yourself. You have a lot going on and if you don't take care of yourself, you can't be emotionally available to care for an energy draining, attention demanding, active 2 year old. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it.

aww. bummer :(.

I think the book I liked best was "Good Parenting through your Divorce," which was filled with things like, "try to keep the kid(s) in the same house for at least two years after the separation if you can" and "don't ever ever talk bad about the other parent in front of the kid(s) (and here's why)" (this is a goal to be aimed at, not necessarily acheived, in most cases I'm guessing) ... I think it had a bunch of stuff about subsequent (or current, sigh) romantic relationships ... and as I recall it broke down normal kid-reactions by age group ... anyhow, there are lots of good divorce-parenting books out there, and you should definitely pick one or two up now (because the separation is what affects the kid, not so much the legal proceedings that constitute the formal "divorce") ... only one or two, so you don't feel overwhelmed, but one or two, so you have a really really objective place to find some answers or compare your instincts to broad results-studies.

now that we are separated, my ex spends more time with the kids than he did when we were together and is a better dad all around ... I am very very glad for him and the kids that that is happening (although I wish we could have figured out how to make it happen and stay together ... but we didn't : P ). Like you guys, he had always worked and worked and really when he left it wasn't that big a change in his overall kid-time (although the moving-out day was pretty damn traumatic for the kids--and for me) ... the kids *definitely* felt the difference, that they had to go visit Daddy, and were freaked out by his transition time, crashing in his Mom's spare bedroom, and they felt better when he had his own apartment (he said he saw a huge relief when they opened his refrigerator and saw that he had food in it ... kids have pretty basic concerns, and apparently since Mommy had done all the shopping and cooking they were worried that Daddy wouldn't have any normal way of feeding himself ... ;).)

God bless ...

T.-

I’m so sorry you’re going through this stress. I use to be a Certified Professional Nanny and now I’m a Parent Coach, but I worked with a family where the father was rarely around, then the parents separated. I have a little advice to provide you, which I hope helps.

First, it’s important, as I’m sure you know, to try to keep things as normal for your son as possible. In order to do this, you and your husband will need to create a plan of action. I strongly suggest putting this plan in writing, similar to a contract. When I was a Nanny, I insisted on having a written contract, which stated clearly the boundaries of my position. When you have a written contract, like days/hours for visitation, foods that will & won’t be allowed or rules both parents will enforce with the child, it created a clear understanding.

Next, as I mentioned above, having a set of family rules is important. If your son is allowed to jump on the couch at Dad’s house, but not Mom’s, it will be hard & confusing for him, especially at this age.

One thing to be aware of is that 2 year olds often have a hard time communicating, so you may see additional behavioral issues during this transitional time. One great way to help your son is to talk to him about what he is feeling. Providing him with the words he does not yet have, like anger, fear, frustration, will help calm potential tantrums. Also, if you see an increase in tantrums, provide him increased snuggle time. Often toddlers, (and older children), have emotional outbursts when they don’t know how to react. Giving him a little love will help him feel secure.

Lastly, try to keep his schedule as normal as possible. If Tuesday is play date day, but also Dad’s day to have your son, Dad needs to keep the play date. Children in transition need to keep a consistent schedule when other areas of their life are out of sorts.

Should you have any behavioral issues arise and need help, I’d be glad to help you through the coaching process. Additionally, I work with wonderful coaches who focus on coaching separated families create plans and agreements in order to make transitions as easy as possible. Having a neutral 3rd party helps a lot.

I wish you all the best during this tough time.

Sincerely,

R.

R. Magby
Parent Coach
Everything Baby, LLC
www.everythingbabyllc.com

HI tracey,Let me remind you that you are a profesional, that shows how smart you are and how strong you walked to become what you are. You should trust you jugment of separating from you spouse. that is a made decition, and you probably though about the best for your baby too, So now, you have to remember that you are smart, and you can keep going the way it makes you feel GOOD and HAPPY!!! follow that path, Keep loving, keep taking good care of you, and first of all...Beleave in your self every single second! You know why you are doing and why, keep a good motivation.God is always with you.make him your best friend, your confident.He is ALWAYS there for you and your lovely Baby.
Gina.

I know of a dad on this site that is asked for advice several times...I am wondering if getting a dad's perspective on seperated parents and co-parenting might help you to see both sides and gain perspective for the whole picture.
I only say this because I have seen firsthand the affects that are made on children when parents don't (or refuse to) see both sides. It will always be of the utmost importance for you to encourage your son's relationship with his dad. Always be excited to hear about his time (even if you have to fake excitement). Ask your son and encourage him to tell you about what they did. He needs to know that Dad time is as special (in a different way) as mom time. I am sure you will do the best in your situation. You have to do what you can. Best of luck to you in this difficult time.

T.,
I think the best advice I can give you is to try to stay friends with your husband! Things go soo much smoother with shared custody if you guys still like eachother. So when it gets rough try to remeber something good about him and think about the fact that he is and always will be your sons only real father and try to remember a time that you were happy that your son had such a great dad and how much you loved him and most importantly how much your son loves his daddy! As the mom and the woman for that matter, you really will be responsible for setting the tone for how the co-parenting will go between you and the dad. We all know that us woman feel things differently than men and if we really wanted to(in most situations, that is)we could explain to our soon to be ex's how much we cherish them as dads and how we want to embrace and encourage a strong and steady relationship between them and our kids...after that conversation I bet dad would feel alot more at ease and willing to compromise. If you start off being as accomidating as you can its a good bet that the dad will follow suite. Also, while making the parenting plan try to think as far off into the future as possible. There are a ton of things that happen in childrens lives and all of it will have to be agreed upon and shared between the two of you. Such as: sports,family vacations, Dr. appointments, braces, first dances,allowances at each house,holidays and birthdays, grandparents and extended family, etc. Try to find a compromise and agree on as much of the little things as you can, as soon as you can. If I were to be in your position I would try to make sure that the dad is as involved in every aspect of the childs life as possible. I think being able to come together for your sons b-day would be great(atleast while they are young and the situation is new) and I suggest always going to parent/teacher conferences together, all 3 of you!---I have found that to be crucial...school work and grades can be difficult while going back and forth between homes and if the child can see that both his parents are on the same side when it comes to eduacation it will make the child more secure and less likely to struggle atleast in that one aspect of his life, and really most of us parents can agree on how important education is, right? There is alot to talk about and think about. I wish you the best of luck!

K.
Oh yeah...Christmas...speaking from experience here...if you guys do the 'Santa' thing I would discuss and agree upon how that should be handled. Our boys got presents from 'Santa' at both houses, which was ridiculous and made them aware that he might not be real all that much sooner all the while making them alot more spoiled than necessary!It was kinda sad actually!

Keep communicating with your husband and don't talk through the kids. Also really don't talk bad about him even if he talks bad about you no matter what, if you feel the need to slip on that one then walk away and bite your tongue.
On a different note, I am in a tax class right now and we just learned about filing status and how to qualify for the different ones and you need to discuss what your plans for filing are. You can still file as Married Filing Joint, if you file as Married Filing Separately and one of you itemizes then the other must as well and you lose a lot of the credits that might be taken and the standad deduction is different, and then if one of you was going to try for Head of Household then there would need to be a Separation Agreement from a court because you don't meet the criteria for "Unmarried for Tax Purposes" because you will have not lived apart for the last 6 months of the year and I don't know any place that will grant a divorce in this short of time with children involoved. Just something to think about.