Infant Separation Anxiety

If you are on maternity leave, why is he there. He is a
baby and should be home with you. Please pull him out and
let him be with Mom and his new baby.

Too young for preschool! They usually don't start until 3, and even then, many moms are taking them out and waiting for when they are 4. He needs mom now.

I am a mother of a grown daughter and I am also a teacher so I can say my advice to you is keep your child in school maybe shorten the time he is there. Does he go partime or fulltime. If he is in fulltime maybe you should shorten the time he is there. I can tell you from my experience if you take him out it will be worse next time. Keep him in over time it will get better. Some children take a little longer to adjust then others. You take him in drop him off as quick as possibe and get out the worst thing you can do for him is to hang around that only makes it worse. I would suggest shorten his day there but I would keep him in school the social skills they develop are wonderful. He will eventually adjust you have to be strong and what difference does it make if you take him out and then put him back in later none I can tell you.
Hope I helped.

Playing peek-a-boo is supposed to help with eleviating seperation anxiety. It teaches the child that they can see you one minute and not the next, but you will be back again.

I used this with my daughter who is almost 28 months old. I lengthing the times I reappear. When she started going on supervised visits with her estranged father, I was concernd if I wasn't in the room the whole time. I decided to play peek-a-boo with her while I was outside the room. Now she can go more then half the visit w/o screaming for me. Once I return to the room, I say "peek-a-boo" and she giggles.

I know it sounds weird, but try it around the house first.

Nanc

I think he's too young to be in pre-school. He's not even 2 yet. My advice to you is to wait until he's 3 and then do just a few days a week for about an hour or so and then at age 4 he can go right into full pre-K.

enjoy your son while you can, there are so many years for them to be in school and he is not even 2, so young. of course he is having anxiety with a new baby and all. just the fact that the teacher said to pull him out should tell you something. dont be so stubborn, he will mature and the comfort and security he gets from being with you is far greater then being forced to "adjust" to school. hang in there momma!

Hi C.,
If this is actual preschool and not daycare, under 2 years old is very young. If it's been a month since he started and it's not getting better, I would say that he is simply not ready for school, and if it's not your daycare, it's not necessary. It's not fair to the teacher, whose job it is to run a class and not fair to your son, who can't be held the whole time because the teacher has other children to pay attention to and a curriculum to teach.
In 6 months or a year, kids mature an awful lot. Good luck!

It sounds like he's probably too young for pre-school. Plus, you just had a baby and your son probably just wants his mommy time back. He's probably confused as to why you don't want him with you anymore now that you have the baby. That's a lot to take in a short amount of time, too many adjustments! I would take him out, or maybe find a half-time program. He needs to adjust to having a new sibling before any major changes take place.

Hi C., My guess is that your son is feeling rejected - his status as an only child has been taken away, and now he's been sent away each day for preschool. I had two kids very close together and experienced this with my son even though he was already at daycare. It was particularly bad when he was transferred from the infant room to the toddler room. He has taken 3 months to finally be adjusted. So no matter what, it does take time. When I read about having a second child, I often was advised to not make any major changes to the first child's life and daily routine until the baby is 4 months old. After having gone through this (she's now almost 8 months and he's 21 months), I definitely agree that 4 months is ideal. It was hard for my son to get dropped off at daycare when I was staying home with his sister - he just didn't understand.

I would be concerned that pulling him out now could send him the wrong message, if he was a little bit older. But if you're going to be home with the baby until February, I think if it were me, I would keep him home too, to help him adjust. If nothing else, he won't harbor a resentment to his brother/sister about the fact that he was sent away when baby was born. If you think he's better off riding this out, I would take some time alone with him every day when baby isn't around, and talk to him about the transition, shower him with extra love, reassure him that he's still very important to you. Maybe even spend part of a day with him at school and show him how comfortable you are with the teachers and his friends. Does he like reading books? I have found that topic-specific books are really helpful for my son. Good luck to you - what a hard decision!

Oh, I do see other moms who have posted about preschooling a 2 year old - I do consider my son to be in a school and his caregivers are certified teachers, and he learns every day but not in any sort of structure. If this is the sort of setting your son is in, then I think it's extremely valuable for a child his age. I read that structured learning is something that children under 3 and even 4 do not respond well to, but my guess is that your son is not in a structured learning environment because most teachers are aware of the literature on this issue and are doing what's best for this age-group (play play play).

As a Toddler teacher for many years I would suggest lessening the amount of days your son is in preschool. Sometimes 5 days is just too much for these very young children. We had a little girl last year who was in school for 5 days & had a terrible time adjusting. We suggested to her mom to put her in for 3 days & in a weeks time she was fine & having a great time. If you can't lessen his days than make sure you are not feeling any anxiety about him being in school. These feelings are transmitted & can make a huge difference in the separation anxiety.

Poor mama! It must be heartbreaking to watch your son be so confused and upset. It sounds like your son is giving you a message loud and clear- either the school is wrong for him, or he isn't quite ready. Or maybe he's there too long? As a former early childhood teacher, I think preschool for 2 year olds is a great idea- but in moderation! :) A very small class size is key, with a calm classroom environment. And only 2-3 mornings or afternoons a week for the first session or even year.

Is the room too loud? Too many kids? Too chaotic?

If you love the school and teacher(s), and know that it's where you want him to go, then I think you should listen to his teacher's advice. It could be that he just needs a little more time with mama before he's ready to take on the big world. And if so, perhaps just taking a class with him and going on playdates will be enough for now! (A class like Music Together uses circle time, which is a great prep for preschool!)

One last note- starting preschool at the exact same time that a new baby comes into the house might be just too much change at once. This may be another reason to wait. By February, he'll have adjusted to the reality of sharing you- and be way ready for school!

Hi C.,
There is only one answer for this...pull him out. I have run a daycare/preschool program for 16 years so this is the age group I know quite a bit about. First of all 22 months is way too young for preschool. Find a small group daycare program with 5 or 6 children to start. Let him go for a few hours a day maybe twice a week. Honestly, there is nothing for a 22 month old to learn in preschool. The only thing that he will experience is getting a ton of colds and stomach viruses and he will be passing them off to you and the baby. This is not an opinion it is a fact. Your babies are very close in age and right now he needs to know that he has not been dethroned by this little imp of a person that you brought into his life without his approval. He is not a big boy and does not need to learn to be a big boy. He needs to be home with you. Unless you are totally overwhelmed with your life right now I would wait until September when he is of a more appropriate age for school. Sue

He is too young for preschool!!! He is not even 2, he needs his Mommy. I say pull him out and enjoy this toddler time while you can. (My son is 29months, and happily home with me!)

My suggestion is to keep dealing with the problem until he makes the adjustment.
Think in terms of the changes in his life. Being left in pre-school while he's place in the family unity has been replaced by the new baby. I tend to think right now seeing and feeling your attention is else where...he's feeling very insecure just where he stands in it all....

Make time to spend special alone time with your son each day. Read to him, hold him and do some things that you know he will enjoy and have your full attention and ask his Dad to do the same. Let your son know he is loved and very important.
When you are dealing with the baby, ask your son to help you...get him involved in it in someway....let him know how he is an important part of this....after all he is now the big brother. Let him know how important big brothers are. When you are holding the baby, talk to your son...maybe even set up a safe place where he can sit and hold the baby for a bit...maybe you can set with both of them making sure your son is cuddled into you while reading a story he might enjoy.

Be the one who drops him off at pre-school...stay long enough to get him settled in. Ask him to color a picture for you so that you can hang it up at home. When you think the timing is right...tell your son you need to go potty...and that you will see him in a little while ask him to be a good boy....and leave. Be sure you are the one who picks him up at the end of the day and when you do, give him a huge hug and tell him how happy you are to see him. Ask him about his day...what he liked about it...what he did...ask him if he colored a picture for you...if not tell him ok, maybe tomorrow. If he has the picture make a huge happy fuss about it....when you get home hang it up...or if he made something else...display it.

Also make time to socialize him more with other children close to his age....either take him to the park or have play time with your friends children. Get them involved in play and let him know you are there watching him...wave at him when he looks your way...

Remember that all adjustments take time, patience and a lot of positive of support.

pull him. he's too young for preschool right now. some children are ready, but your son is telling you he is not. i'm a preschool teacher and my mom is a director of a preschool. if he is crying the whole time he is there he is NOT ready. i know it would make your life easier, i was in the same exact shoes you are in last year. but honestly, he's not ready.

I also taught preschool for many years. 17-24 months is a very difficult time in terms of separation anxiety and is often a very inappropriate time to initiate preschool in any form, even for a couple of days per week. I know it seems like your child may never adjust but you will be amazed at how different the transition will feel to your child in just four or five months. I just watched my best friend go through the same thing with her daughter. I kept telling her to wait and months later her 30 month old entered preschool with no problem. She has even increased her time from two days to three! And this was after she cried nonstop when she was 24 months old and had to be pulled out. Hang in there, it will happen!

Wow, I think it's a lot to handle for 22 months old.New sibling, going to school , plus this is the age for separation anxiety. You said you're currently on the maternity leave.....was he in day care before or is this all new???if you will be returning to work soon pulling him out would not make sence......if you will be a SAHM for a while I would.......that's just me though:)

C.,

I'm so sorry he's not adjusting at all. My hope is that you pull him out. He is not ready, and that is fine.

Possibly you can work it with the day care to attend with him on a weekly (maybe once a week at first) basis for a reduced rate, maybe free if you volunteer? I realize you have a 6 week old, too, so don't know how you would work that, but just an idea.

Work him up to it, let him see that he is not going to be alone forever when he's there, that he can play just like he does at home (maybe bring a special toy).

I guess I don't see the point of putting him in bc you are home with his sibling anyway. (SAHM here, praying for baby #2). I know there is tired (and there are days like today that ARE TIRING!) but peace of mind and comfort on his part are more important, I think.

You may or may not be going back to work soon - some kids just don't adjust cold-turkey.

Like playing peek-a-boo, where you leave the room for longer and longer periods of time, and show baby you come back, this would be similar, going with him to 'class' and watching him play, then coming back after a few minutes, to show him you will always be there for him.

Just a suggestion!
Good Luck,
M.

The timing of him going to school and the new baby has probably caused him a lot of anxiety. Thats a lot for a little one to deal with. I think you should wait a few months till he gets used to that new little creature that is taking up so much of mommy's time and that everyone thinks is so cute.

I've heard that the book The Kissing Hand is realy great. My daughter runs happily into class so I never got the book but many friends (and even the pre school we go to) recommend it. Good luck - and hang in there. Don't give up too soon. Fight it a bit, if you want to continue.

Since your son is not quite two, my question would be does he have to go to preschool because after you're off maternity leave you're going back to work full-time and you need the childcare, or is this something you're doing to introduce him to school? If it's not necessary in the near future, I'd say pull him out and wait until he's at least 3. My oldest son took well over a month to adjust to preschool at age 3,although not quite as intense as what you're describing. He also attended for 1/2 days 3 times a week, not full-time.

If you do need to have your son go to daycare/school after maternity leave, I'd stick it out. Infants are pretty easy to tote around, so I would suggest that you go to school with him and bring baby too. Gradually reduce the amount of time you spend there until it's just a few minutes during drop-off. Have him show you around so he feel he owns the situation. By doing this you'd also get a good feeling for how he's truly reacting, and you may find he really isn't ready, or that the environment is too large for him. I don't know what's in your area, but you could also look at homebased preschools that would offer a smaller environment.

Good luck!

Hi C.,
From my own experience with a toddler and an infant, I understand your situation. I would say, however I think your son is a bit young for preschool. Boys often are not ready for certain social situations. I would agree with the teacher. You have to do what is best for your son.

Hi C., It is possible that your 22 month old is reacting to the new baby staying home with you and him going off to pre-school. The teacher may be right. In a few months he will be that much older and more ready to go. Motherhood is not easy. Go with your heart. Don't let him cry all day. Good wishes, Grandma Mary

This is the age for separation anxiety. You shouldn't pull him out of the program. He'll get over it.

I own a preschool and I do not agree with pulling him out right now however I do have a few suggestions. Normally when a child begins preschool at my center I have the child visit us for 15 minutes a day for about a week. The first few times with mom there and then gradually have mom leave. I have great success with this and very few crying children. Lets face it we are strangers to this child and it is traumatic for some children especially at your child's age. I you are not working and have the time try short visits perhaps he will adjust quicker if he is not forced to stay as long. Some children are also frightened of the other children if they have not been around groups of kids. There could be a very aggressive child that has scared him. I agree that the teacher can not hold him all day but I think this is when he feels safe when he is not in the mix of all of the other kids. Does the teacher seem loving, and genuinely concerned or is she annoyed by your sons crying. If you get a bad vibe then switch schools and maybe get a fresh start with a new center and try the short visits. If you feel comfortable with the center just stick it out. If you let him stop now it will only happen again in February. I think it is best to try to help your son work thorough his fears and not give into them. I had one little girl despite the short visits cried, and vomited, each day when she came. Mom and dad were ready to pack it in and I asked them to just stick it out I am happy to say after three weeks she finally stopped. She is now happy and playing. I think you are doing the right thing by allowing him to interact with his peers.