Separation Anxiety in My 8 Year Old

I remember having a lot of stomach issues with anxiety, I still have them today. I would maybe talk to the pediatrician/doctor to see if they have any recommendations for him, someone who is experienced with dealing with separation anxiety. I don't think this is something he will just out grow. Hang in there mom!

You could be describing my daughter around same age.

She just finished a little program at her school to empower kids with anxiety. My little girl has separation anxiety at drop off time or before trying something new. We had the stomach issue (in our case it's nausea and she has actually thrown up).

This little program she did was excellent. There was a bunch of kids all with anxiety, nothing serious, but like your son probably - the kind that can be dealt with with tools and techniques kids can use.

So the tools are simple. They covered deep breathing the first session. Kids thought this was great. Called bubble breathing. Like your blowing bubbles into a glass of milk. Deep belly breaths - and it calms the kids.
There's relaxing your body. They did this group activity (then we did as family at home) where you tense up your body, then go limp like a jelly fish. You do this a few times. Kids again loved it.
There's more - for different situations. One activity had them think of their 'safe place' - for my daughter it was home with her family. So she just imagines this while breathing.

Then you come up with a coping strategy.
You list out the fear or worry
You acknowledge it - it's real to kids
You list the worst possible outcomes - for your son it might be he will miss his dad and be sad - feel alone, etc.
You list out things he can do to make him feel better - such as facetiming him, texting, calling, writing him a letter, doing a piece of art to show him later, etc.
Or it could be - I get to spend extra time with mom and she'll give me hugs and I won't feel so alone.
Or even - I can sleep with mom like a sleepover if I get lonely.
It's whatever he needs to feel comforted. And the kids come up with this part.

Often the worst possible outcomes - if you go over them - aren't ever going to happen, and the kids get that. And then they let those go.

Then as they cope - you just remind them that they were able to get through this, hence empowering them.

It's been really helpful for us. They also focus on positive strengths the kids have. So every day they say what the best part of their day was. Things they do well. Things they like about themselves.

The other thing we do with our little one - is she started out with a little pebble that was nice and smooth. We called it our courage stone. I told her it helped me when I was feeling nervous or shy, and I would lend it to her. Eventually she didn't need it any more. I noticed it just stayed in her pocket. But it could be a tiny little toy (even a lego figure). Sometimes a comfort object that they have in their pocket or school bag is all it takes. So maybe dad could give him something like that - so your son could see it during the day and feel reminded of him. Some kids have a little note.

I have found in comforting kids (allowing them to cuddle up some nights) is great. One of my older ones still likes to do that if nervous before a test or if just feeling stressed about stuff. Love is good :)

H.,

I believe that allowing him to sleep with you is not helping, it's hurting.

Your son is needing help and attention. Getting "sick" gets him the one-on-one he needs and is craving. This separation anxiety at this age? it's screaming for help, in my opinion. he's confused because his parents are divorced, but spend time together (I give you kudos for that) and he doesn't know what is up or what is down.

Make an appointment with his school counselor. Find out how he is behaving in school and what is going on. Maybe he/she can talk with and find out more....

Ask your son WHY he misses you and his dad...is he afraid of something?
is there something going on at school that he doesn't want to deal with and using missing you and his dad as an excuse?

He needs to learn how to cope. While his feelings are real - are they really founded? Ask the questions. Listen to the answers....then address each fear. Ask LEADING questions - open ended questions - not "are you afraid something will happen to daddy?" - why are you afraid?
then listen. and rationalize with him. Give him tools to help him cope. If you can't do it yourself, work with a therapist to give you both the tools to cope.

Have you alerted the school counselor and the teacher to the home situation and the fact that his father travels extensively for work, and your son is very stressed by that? If not, please do so right away, even if there are only a few weeks of school left. They may be able to give you pointers on ways to distract him (they've seen other kids in his situation believe me; don't hesitate to ask the school counselor to advise you). The school counselor might be able to see your son a few times each week for gentle, informal talks.

And what are your summer plans for him? I assume you work outside the home since you refer to a morning caregiver before school; when summer comes and you are working and dad is traveling, what will your son be doing? I would be sure he has some kind of camp or activity based on his interests so he has distraction and is engaged and doesn't have time to start thinking on the fact dad's gone.

I don't think it's wrong to give him some extra comfort such as letting him sleep in your bed occasionally, especially if he's asking for it; it does not mean he'll still be in your bed for years to come and it lets him know you're flexible enough to change things up a little when his need is great. It's not spoiling him, unless you let it go on and on. I agree with the idea of acknowledging his emotions, too, and saying out loud to him that it's hard when his dad is gone, followed by the diversion of doing another activity like a game.

If this is recent, ride it out, but if it continues, or has already gone on for quite a while, please consider getting your son some counseling or therapy (outside school) with a counselor experienced in working with children who have divorced parents. He may need to find an adult who is not you or dad, with whom he feels comfortable enough to express fears he doesn't want to express to either of you. It's great that you have a very amicable and positive relationship with your ex-husband and that your son sees that you both get along and he has you both in his life! But your son may also be more aware than you realize that mom and dad are not truly together, and that may give him a lingering fear that at any time the family togetherness will end, especially if dad goes on a trip and just doesn't come back (you know that wont' happen, but that does not mean he truly knows that). The separation anxiety may be stemming from fears about the divorce that you may feel aren't there because you give your son a great environment and are amicable -- but he may experience those fears that when dad next leaves, it might be for good, If you ask your son that and he says "No," bear in mind that at eight, he may be afraid to say yes for fear somehow that will drive dad away. You're doing great to give him a life where he has both parents in it as much as possible, but that does not mean he doesn't have fears anyway. That's why a counselor could help, or possibly family counseling (divorced families do that too) if dad can be around enough to participate.

He's only 8, I don't think helping him out during this difficult time is adding to his anxiety.

In addition to what you are doing, occasionally mirror his emotions. "It's sad that dad and I are separated," etc., but don't delve into it for too long. It's good to acknowledge emotions, but it's not good to delve into them for too long, or that will have the effect of making them worse. After you've acknowledged his feelings, say, "Let's play a game," or do something fun with him to take his mind off of it. He's going to have to learn to cope with this new reality.

He misses his dad a lot - is what it sounds like. Is this travelling new? Or has he always travelled like this? Could you and your son join dad on a trip sometime? Maybe plan to do it once a year?

Helping your kid through a hard time is not bad at all, I would absolutely let my kid sleep in my bed if he/she needed it. Actually, my 9 year old often enough cuddles with me before we fall asleep. Sometimes I wake up to find him still there and my husband in our son's bed. Sometimes my son gets up in the middle of the night and goes to his own room - just depends. He also deals with anxiety - and we are working on finding the right therapist for him to talk to. Someone to give him tips on how to handle it. It might be good for you to do the same.

H.,

Please talk to a counselor or child psychologist about your son.... it sounds like he does have some form of anxiety and may need tools for now to help himself calm down and feel reassured that things are okay..

I do think that asking him for a favorable emotional outlook in exchange for getting to sleep in your bed--- I'd shy away from that. Our own son has some sleep issues related to his own stuff and the doc we see for that suggested doing a book on disc (something he's heard before, something familiar) and a sort of Ferber thing, where we go in and check on him regularly, so he feels connected, but he doesn't fall asleep with either of us actually in the bed with him. It used to be that he'd call to us "I'm afraid of dying".... gads, that was a drain. Now it's "I'm bored", so changing the routine did help for us. (And dude, of course you are bored. Go to sleep!)

You can also give him a journal to put those thoughts and sadness into. Even if it's just a handful of printer paper with "Johnny's Journal: Write and Draw"... having a place to put one's feelings is important. When my son was being physically bullied at school, Kiddo did some rather vivid revenge drawings.... it's important for kids to have a place to express their negative feelings without judgment.

It's ok that he's sad and misses his dad. We have all been there, and that is part of life. Your job is to let him know that it is ok to feel that way and then to help him see that he is going to be ok, even if his dad is gone.

"his dad and I divorced a couple years ago but still spend almost all our time together (staying at each other's houses, family outings, trips, etc)."

I know you are trying to help, but you are creating a false world. You and his dad are not together anymore. Your son probably won't like it at first, but he will be ok in time. Your job is to help him to be ok with things even though his parents aren't together.

There is nothing wrong with you comforting him and showing him affection (that's basically what he gets out of sleeping in bed with you). Help him feel secure even when things go wrong or don't go the way he wants them to go. But dn't change the world to fit his wants. Help him to be ok with not getting everything he wants.

It's so important for boys that age to hang around their dad. My father traveled a lot also. During the summer when I was out of school I frequently went with him. Is there any way that could be worked out? It was some of our best memories together. I was about 10 I think at the time so maybe something could be arranged for your son to do while he works?