Severe Seperation Anxiety.

It's tough- I know, L.--- here 's what old Mom says ( Mom for 38 years--- preschool teacher for 40 years + ) --.
1. REALLY trust your '''not sure I like this'' about the new place--- and give him lots of time if you do decide to stick w/ them ( getting used to a new physical space- and mulitple new care-givers - that's a lot to ask of a baby - and he still is ---- ) Be sure and drop in on the day-care at odd times to be sure you are content - be sure to make at least one of these visits in the afternoon--- some places hire really underqualified kids to ''work'' in the pm.
2. Be sure your little guy hears you and your husband say very calmly and matter of factly--- '''really will be glad when little George is happier at his play - place--- he'll get used to it''' ( so he hears you acknowledge that he's not happy now, he will be soon- and that's your desire -for him to be happy in his play-place.)

3. Know that your lamb is using a new-found power ( his disapproval) to get some measure of control --- it's very understandable and must not work.

AND be very sure to check out your discomfort.

I can tell you not all day-cares are good places- nuff' said - just be cautious

Blessings,
Old Mom
aka--- J.

Abra, remember the old saying "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all?" Your response appears to have been meant to chastize L. for your own personal gratification. If you are unable to give constructive advice please keep your opinions to yourself. I notice you live in Lake Oswego so I challenge your view that everyone can simply rearrange their lives in order to stay at home. That may be true at your family income level, but not for most. I agree that mothering is the most important job a mother can do. However, I also know what it is like to truly live in poverty, without adequate food or clothing. It was critical that my mother work or we would have been homeless. This was not how she planned things when I was born, but after my father left there wasn't another option. She felt horrible about having to work, but there really was no choice. Ironically, my experiences make me more appreciative of the blessings I have. I *get* to stay at home..... Please, try to be more compassionate.

S.

L. - Sometimes the worst part about this board is people not listening to what you ask. Ignore the first post! If it is a necessity to your family for you to work, then you work. I work too!
Second, have you ever seen the book or read the book "The Kissing Hand." It's very sweet and kind of goes along with what one of the previous posters said. You kiss the inside of your child's hand so that if they are ever misisng you they can put their hand up to their cheek or forhead and get a "kiss." Maybe get the book so that he knows the story.
Second, moving into a daycare is very tough. You did not mention anything about WHY it is bothering you. Trust your instincts. BUT, know that when children are moved into a new situation that kids don't adjust right away. Everytime you come back and pick him up he is learning that mommy always comes back, which is very important for children to learn.
Kids go through mommy and daddy stages, it's very normal.
Good Luck, L.

First of all, I am very sorry that the first responder didn't read and/or respect your request when she told you to stay home. Sometimes parents MUST work for a variety of reasons and sometimes it's just not feasible to stay home. You do what you need to do for your family and be ok with that. Don't let anyone else judge you for what you need to do to take care of your family.

About the separation anxiety, this is a tough one, and I don't have a lot of suggestions. My only thought is that maybe you could give your son something of yours that he can hang on to, something he can use as a concrete reminder of your love, and as a promise you are coming back. I'm not sure this will work for your son as he's 22 months old; this technique really works best on a little older child but you could give it a shot.

Beyond that, the only other thought I have is consistency. By this I mean, if you tell him you'll be back by the time he wakes up from nap time, then be back by the end of nap time. This builds trust, and over time he'll realize you haven't abandoned him.

You are doing a lot of things right mama, so hang in there and keep being a great mom. This stage will pass, really it will. Believe in yourself and all will work out! :)

At 22 months, his separation anxiety is normal. It means he is becoming more aware of the world around him. If you notice it has become worse since the new daycare situation and you are uneasy about the place than it is wise to trust your instincts. I had a similar problem with an in-house daycare. I pushed my feelings back for almost a year and regret it now. My son (30 months) has been in a wonderful daycare center for a year now and I noticed the difference almost immediately. A mother's instinct is a powerful thing and right most of the time. Is it possible to have your FIL watch him again until you can find a daycare that suits you? Children are adaptable and it's better to make the change now instead of waiting too long. Staying home is not an option for me either and I notice that my son is much more social since being in this organized day care center. Don't let anyone try and make you feel guilty for having to help support your family. Good luck. I know how hard it is to leave your little one crying and reaching for you when you have to walk out the door.

Maybe less change would be best, is there any way that your father in law could watch him again? I shouldn't be responding bc I don't have any tried and true advice... Maybe send along a laminated picture of you so he can at least see you when he's asking for you and they can tell him that he will see you after you're done working - and then the child care people can ask him if he's ready to put it away your picture and play with the other kids. Sort of a goofy idea but I feel bad for the little guy, maybe seeing via the picture will ease his anxiety?

First of all, I am so sad that other mothers on here are being judgemental and saying things that are, at the heart of them, hurtful. I'm work with teens all day who come from working-mom and stay-at-home mom households, and I have yet to see any kind of a difference in their well-adjustedness based on that alone!! Please ignore their rude and NON-supportive posts.

Second, when you signed up for this in-home day care, did you get a booklet with all of their policies, procedures, info about their workers, etc.? A strong provider will provide you with this information in advance. My daughter's provider (in Bellevue) is absolutely wonderful and very well-organized. Her day has a set routine, they have the King County library bus come twice a month, they have a "curriculum", etc. I have dropped in at all hours of the day (not just to "spy" of course), and been very pleased with what I see.

I hope your son is just going through a phase. BUT, if you aren't that crazy about your son's day care situation, it might be better for him to transition to another place...

Oh, and Judy has wonderful advice in her post, OF COURSE!!

First of all, the increase in separation anxiety could be a few things. It could just be age and a phase that he will grow out of, or it could be that he is going through something else like teething, or learning something big. Having worked a lot in a day care though, I think it is something else. My guess is that he was nervous about the move from grandpa's house to a stranger's house. I can tell you from my experience seeing many care providers that kids like that that whine and cry all day are NOT treated well in day-care most of the time. A child like that takes a lot of energy and really makes your day harder. Plus, it is really frustrating to try everything and have nothing work. I am not saying he is being abused, but quite possibly ignored and left to cry on his own and kinda pushed aside when he seeks attention from the care provider. You can usually gauge this by the way she talks about him when she tells you about his day. If she doesn't sound like she feels really bad for him and you don't get the impression that she is totally in love with him, then you should get him out of there. I think he will only be okay with someone (family or not) that really loves him and is willing to put in the time to just sit and hold him all day while he whines and cries if need be. A grandma type provider might work best.
When I was working, we had this one girl that did nothing but lay on the floor and cry. She was just left there to cry alone ALL day. She'd get picked up only at the end of the day when they expected her parents. When I found her, I felt so bad for her that I took her into my class (even though she was the wrong age) and held her all day. It took her only an hour to calm down, and the next day only 5 minutes, and from then on was happy to see me. Before long, she was playing near me instead of being held. I had to take her on breaks and stay late because she wouldn't stay with anyone else, but it made the world of difference to her. Your son really needs to be with someone with a lot of patience that is willing to go the extra mile. If he is acting different even at home and with grandparents, then you really need to act on it.

On a good note, kids that age are VERY resilient!

L.,
This is a tough one...but I say your best bet is to talk with him daily about what is going to happen that day. On Sunday night you can tell him "I wont be here when you wake up , I will be at work but daddy will be here with you and I will see you at 6p" or whatever time you are home. On days when he goes to daycare talk with him about what time you will be back to get him etc. It is hard for the lil' guys when they realize you will be gone. I think reassurance of when exactly you will be back is the key. Maybe buy him a cheap watch and tell him when the numbers look like this I will be here to pick you up or set the alarm for him....or explain exactly how the day will go...I drop you off at 7am, you will play, you will have snack, you will watch a movie, you will eat lunch, you will play, I will be there to pick you up at 6pm. Maybe in the mornings if you pack him a snack you could have him pack one for yourself as well and let him know you will be having the same snack as him...something to help him feel connected to you even when you are away? You could draw a heart and an I love you on his hand before you go, and reassure him how much you love him and how excited you will be to see him next?? I dont know, maybe that would make him feel good???

I am sure after you guys get a routine down he will be okay, hang in there. Please dont feel guilty about having to work. You are doing what you have to do to take care of your family and your son will be just fine.

I am sorry I do not have lots of good advice for you, but it will work itself out!!!

K.

Hi L.,

I want to start by saying that I'm sure you're a great mom, whether you choose to stay-at-home or not. Although I'm a SAHM, I realize that everyone needs to find the balance in their own lives that works, and some moms are simply better moms if they have their career as well. Even though some other moms will clearly not understand that, I believe it to be true. Also, sometimes you just need the money.

As for the separation anxiety, it could partly be his age. Both of my sons went through stages, several times over again with it. Surely the change in daily care is a big trigger, since his feeling of security has been compromised. The life he once knew is no longer and the new one is a bit scary and unknown. I might suggest trying to spend as much one-on-one time with your son as you can when you're home, so he kind of gets his "fill" of you and strengthen the security link between the two of you. There are always so many other things to get done, but it's so important to try and take even just a little bit of time every day and sit down with our kids and just focus on them, without other distractions. Although I think it would be great if you could continue this trend for as long as he'll let you, I hope that you make the effort to do it at least just for now while he's feeling the insecurity. Admittedly, I'm not perfect at this either, but I know that I do put a lot of effort into it and make it happen when I can, and that's all you can ask of any mother.

No matter what you decide to do, just remember, this too shall pass. ;o) One day you'll even miss it.

I wish you the best of luck!

~W.~

I remember my son going through that...I would kiss his hand and squeeze it tight and say "save this one for later." He liked that.
Is there another boy @ the daycare he can "buddy up" with ?
I also would send Pizza with him, his favorite food, but he could only get it there...so he came to enjoy his treat.

L.-

Does it help to know this is normal? And the behaviors you describe are not anywhere close to severe?

I know they seem out of the ordinary for your son, but they are completely normal for his age and given the changes he has been through recently (childcare swap). My daughter (now 10) went through a phase during which she would stand in the middle of the room and scream for 30+ minutes-- and that was with her Daddy watching her!

Just keep reassuring him and make certain you have lots of contact/snuggle time when you are with him.

The childcare adjustment is very tough on little ones, especially if he's gone from a 1-on-1 situation to a group. Remember little ones don't have the words, experiences, or coping strategies to adjust quickly to changes in their lives; they just feel and react. Be careful when you move him. You may move him to a better location and end up with worse behavior simply because he has to adjust again. Make certain you love, love, love a new place. Visit often, ask questions of everyone and have him visit it with you/your husband several times before you make any move

Good luck, deep breath, and hang on the ride is just beginning :)

L.,

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time.

I agree with many of the previous posts that whether or not you work has nothing to do with whether you love, or show love, to your son.

It is developmentally appropriate for children go through periods of separation anxiety. As they understand that the world is a big place and that they, and others, can come and go, it can be frightening. I strongly believe that it is the "returning" that is what is essential. It is not about NEVER leaving your child, it is about ALWAYS returning.

That being said, I also agree that it is important to trust your gut about any childcare situation. Like someone else said, I think that showing up unannounced, asking questions about philosophy of care and speaking to other parents are all ways to determine if the care that your child is receiving is consistent with your values.

I have two children. I left my son in care at 3 months and he has acclimated well. He still, however, goes through periods when leaving us is hard. My daughter started care at one year and fought it with all her might. She cried quite a bit. I know the school well, and trusted their care, so I gave her some time. After about 6 weeks (things were getting better slowly, a bit each day) she will now wave goodbye smiling, and is thriving there.

I personally believe that I gave her a gift to have the opportunity to connect with other caregivers and to start the process of learning herself in the context of peers.

What you are going through is really tough, and I believe it will be easier to leave him if you can make sure that you trust the place in which he is receiving care.

I wish you the best.

A.

Hi L. - When my daughter was two she started a new in home daycare. She screamed every time I left her, and I would cry all the way to work worrying that I was leaving her in a bad place with a good show for the parents. I was about ready to look into moving her (moms are always told to trust their gut feelings, right?) when it started to get easier. Soon she looked forward to going and didn't want to leave! I would guess that the worst part lasted about 4 to 6 weeks. Sorry I don't remember better, but it was 4 years ago now! Your situation is a bit different in that my daughter was fine at home, but just know that it is the right age for this, and your family seems pretty stable and steady, which is what's best for separation anxiety.

I do have a friend whose 4 year old son freaks out if he doesn't know where she is in their house, so it seems that some kids might just be a little more tender than others! Blessings as you work through it.

Hi! L.;
Some children do not adjust well..having so many sitters..You might try getting a mid-aged fun gramma type..Check out a senior center..for a friendly face..take baby with you and see how he re-acts..I have found just because someone runs a day care does not mean they are qualiffied, over crowded and understaffed..etc. I found that out when my kids were small..and I tried to go to work.In your case , Id find a nanny to come to your place or a nice gramma type..your son needs this stability and wants a mamma person..Youll have to run some back ground checks etc..I Wish you my best of luck to you and your family..

I too have a 22 month old with severe anxiety. I am a SAHM and she freaks if she cant find me and/or sees me by the door. So I know what you are going through, and it is normal for this age no matter if you work or not.
I honestly dont know what to suggest I am going through the same battle, and some major tantrums.
I wish you the best of luck!!

I would start looking for another daycare immediately - it sounds like there is definitely something about this daycare that isn't working for him. And talk with your son, listen to him, empathize with him (sometimes you really miss mommy, you must feel really scared and sad when I'm not there), and tell the caregivers, inlaws, and anyone else who is with him when you are gone to hold him and empathize with him (you really miss your mommy and feel really sad). He is trying to let everyone know how bad he feels, and if people will listen and empathize, that will help him tremendously to move through his feelings and start to feel safe again. And I would do whatever I could to be with him as much as possible, including at night. When people say this is "a phase" and he'll get over it, the danger is that he will "get over it" by giving up, and that in the process his sense of safety in the world will be compromised.

It is a phase. It shows his intelligence and sensitivity and awareness. It is normal. And you are not alone. He is just having a severe case.

I would keep your son at the day care at least another month. Moving him so soon will just create another separation situation. Have your FIL or someone you really trust go to observe if you have weird vibes. And pay attention to those vibes. I say parent vibes are always important in choosing schools and playmates.

I want to give you my support in this mattter. Changing what you do, to stay home, will only prolong the separation anxiety. It is important for him learn that when he is alone he can do things, be happy, and you will come back.

Separation anxiety is one of those things that just hits you with no warning. You think all is well and at 22 months major happening.

Regardless I think the new child care is something of the reason - I'm not sure why - they might be wonderful - but I'd look into what is happening there. Since there is something in your gut that is nagging you try to follow up as soon as possible.

I really hope for you sake it will pass.

Also please don't think now you have to stay home - if it's not the daycare I assure you it would happen for another reason.

I wonder if something happened at your father-in-law's house that scared him. Did something happen or was something said that made him think something happened to you? I would ask some specific questions to your f-in-law to get to the root of the anxiety.

Also, I wonder what makes you 'not crazy about' the new daycare. Don't be afraid to ask questions of the people who work there or have access to the kids (I.e. daycare ownerk's kids) Even if it is awkward. Listen to your gut! Some anxiety is normal, but a drastic change should be looked in to. Good luck!

I googled (separation anxiety) and got about 1,600,000 responses and ideas... www.separationanxietyhelp.com might work but I like google better....
Good luck with whatever you try.

C. M Hamlin
Cave Junction,OR

The number ONE best piece of advice I can give for separation anxiety is:

Be nonchalant & have a pattern/routine.

If you're choking up, afraid, or nervous...they get that. Kids are wired to look to us to see what our reaction is in any given circumstance...and to echo that. If we're reacting with nervousness/stress/tension, they get that. If we're business as usual...they get that too.

Patterns (like at bedtime) are reassuring. If you do the same thing every time you leave, it imprints on them..."She does that, she leaves, she comes back, she loves me".

For US, our pattern was after hugs and kisses goodbye, I would wave all the way to my car, and then wave out the sunroof...alternating with blowing kisses like a movie star. I did it at preschool, daycare, when I was going to the STORE for 5 minutes. Whenever I left I waved in a REALLY overblown matter. I know others who beep a horn, or keep the ritual totally indoors, or do a high five, but whatever the ritual is, they do it every time.

2) If your daycare is giving you issues, look into changing daycare. My personal, unbendable rule for daycare/preschool/school, is that they have to be Safe, Fun, & Interesting. Our daycare provider (nanny-type) met that, our preschool met that (we had to look at nearly 50, and only THREE met those requirements), and NONE of the public schools and only two of the private schools in driving distance met that. Daaaang. What does it take??? C'mon, people!!! My point here...is that it can be hard to find a place that meets or exceeds your own expectations...and meeting those expectations is IMPORTANT. Just because it might be a "good" place, or is beloved by "x" other people, doesn't mean that it's the right place for you or YOUR child.

3) Our son had FANTASTIC care, and still would do the separation anxiety thing once or twice a year. One thing that I loved about our preschool is that one of those "bouts" was "solved" by not sending him in the 3 days in a row that they "require"...montessori. Instead, he went Monday, Wed, Thur. Our son was flipping out on Tuesdays (I worked a 15 on Mondays at the time and was gone all that day). We switched it, so he had tuesdays with me -i had that day off anyway...it was just the school requirement that had him in school that day anyway-, and boom. Problem evaporated. The next year, he did tuesdays no problem, with no problem at all. It just took him awhile to adjust to my "gone on mondays" schedule. Gosh, I LOVE that preschool. Their attitude, was "whatever works best for your family".

Other times...we just had to smile and laugh and hug and ride it out. It would usually last around two weeks at most. Sometimes it was severe, sometimes it wasn't. But it was thankfully, always short. I think a lot of it was that the hug-kiss-normal-business approach worked so well with his personality.

We went with that approach on advice from my mum, who's opinion on these bouts of anxiety is that there's been another cognitive leap...and no matter how much they KNOW you've always come back, what if you don't THIS time? Reassure them through it, hugs, kisses, laughter, and waves goodbye...and remind them "See? I always come back for you!" with hugs and kisses whenever I picked him up.

In any event...that's what's worked for US. We all find our own balance.

:) Z