Sex- Learning to Be Attracted Again to Your Partner

Taking time for the 2 of you is important, like date night, and also taking time for just you. I find that if I spend too much time with people always needing something from me than when I put the kids to bed and my husband approaches me for sex, it can feel like just one more person wanting something from me! I need to take time to feel good so that I not only do not feel that way, so that I feel I want something from him :). Honestly, sometimes a sexy book helps to get me in the mood as well.

yeap, same exact issue. after only a few years.. basically I believe that having a child has put all my energy and love away from hubby, which is sad, but the son deserves it too. At the same time, I blame myself for getting bored with things too easy. Its sad when the only thing that helps is a night out with drinks! (but also very fun)

Hey M.,

Sounds like we all know how you feel! Don't freak out. Everybody goes through phases like this and it always seems worse until you get a plan of action going on how to fix it.

Never stop dating each other. Thats the best thing I can say. I think going on a date once a week, sometimes twice a week - is crucial. You don't even have to spend any money. We leave the kids with their Grandma (which she adores) and we hit the beach or the park, go back home for a nice quiet evening alone, take walks together, work out in the yard together without worrying about who is where, who hit whom and who is wrecking the house. When you do want to spend a little money - there are all the obvious choices for dates - restaurants, movies, plays, ballet, concerts, coffee houses, wineries, bars, etc...

Start dating again. Really. Ask him if you can take him out. Arrange all of it. It will surprise him (don't wait for him to do it because you'll be waiting a long time, and then you'll get upset. You were concerned enough to post this question, so take the initiative girl!)

Depending on how old your kids are, and how much money is within budget - plan something really nice. Arrange for care for the kids. If you can afford it (we can't) make dinner reservations at a place you think he'll like, or you know he likes. If you don't have the money (like us) arrange for childcare with a relative or friend that you can pay some other way (watch their kids another time) - go buy a bottle of wine for about $10 and blindfold him and take him to the park or to a lake, or seaside if you live near the ocean. Pack a picnic, take a few blankets and just hang out together.

There's lots of things you can do. The sex will happen when the attraction comes back, and the attraction will return once their is romance again. And Romance only comes from being kind, thoughtful, selfless and most importantly - light hearted. Lighten up! It'll be alright!

Go for it! And have fun!

I can totally relate. We've been married 9 and I feel the same way. Sometimes he just flat out grosses me out! I feel bad for saying it because he's my best friend too and I couldn't live without him. I did notice though, that last week we had date night and went for a walk after dinner instead of going for a movie. We talked about plans for the future (specifically whether we should have another baby and when I could stay home) and other hefty topics. I found that after we had such a long, uninterupted, deep, intimate conversation, I felt more attracted to him. Just my experience but maybe you haven't been able to connect on a real deep intellectual intimate level. Give it a try:) Good luck.

Everyone's advice is good, and everyone's right - we all go through this. You need to reclaim the reasons you fell for Hubby. Was it his sense of humor? His gentleness? His ability to solve problems? Spend time together just the two of you and focus on everything you like about him. Do something exciting that you used to do when you were dating. Also, consider shaking it up a bit in the bedroom. Do you have any secret fantasies? Anything you've just wanted to try? Often, wives are too shy to express these things to their hubby, but after 10 years of friendship, I'm sure you can find a way! If you're already good at that, then what about a night out at a romantic hotel with it's own jacuzzi tub or something of the like? Good luck.

I have been married 20yrs, and have been through this phase a few times.

When this phase hits, it is time to go out on dates, take a weekend or longer vacation just the 2 of you. Buy something for your husband once in awhile, go to lunch together , or have you hubby come home for lunch once in awhile ( when the kids are not home).

Spend some quality time together after the kids are in bed, open a bottle of wine and just talk. If you have problems getting a conversation started, there are games you can buy that have questions you can ask each other. Try this website: www.tabletopics.com.

Good luck

To be honest, I think it takes a bit of work. Hubbie and I have been married for 12 years, and we have our ups and downs with it...but I have certainly realized that it takes a bit of work on my part to keep the fires burning.....

You said he's your best friend and great father....look to those attributes as ways to find him attractive again. I find when my hubbie cooks or vacuums, even when he doesn't want to, but does it for me anyway, that I am so 'into' him! That's love!

Perhaps set the stage, plan romantic evenings...candles, music, flowers the works...I saw after a few years, and kids around, couples can be more like partners and friends, than lovers.....

Talk with him, tell him you want to re-connect, ask him ways to do so.

Discover what makes you tick...what trips your trigger, then use it....and invite your hubbie to do the same.

There's a bit of work involved, but sounds like you love him a lot, and want to find each other again, don't give up on it....all couples find themselves in lulls at times, the difference is what you do when that lull hits....do you give up?...Or do you just get a bit more creative? That's the difference between divorced couples and 50 years of great marriage. Good luck,
www.familysentinel.blogspot.com

I went through that same thing about 2 yrs ago. My hubby and I had a fantastic sex life until then. I too felt like sex was a chore. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I still loved to be held,kissed and cuddling was fine but Sex was never in my mind. I Found out that I was suffering from depression. I have been taking meds for depression and wow have things in the bedroom changed. We are back to our old sex life and I'm even suggesting it more. My husband noticed the change after about 2 wks of me taking my meds. Hope this helps and good luck.

When we start out in a relationship, there is all this biochemistry that carries things for a while. And then life happens and the chemistry changes it's focus, and we have to manage to build those sorts of connections through work instead of the magical chemical coasting we did at the beginning. It's fairly normal to be where you are. It means that you need to work on your non-kid-related connections with this man.

Look for things you and the husband would like to do to focus on you. What things could you do together to just bond with the man you once met and found fascinating instead of the father and friend? Do you have a porch swing you could share once the kids go to bed and talk about life and goals and fears? Could you go for a walk together and talk about the same? What things can you plan that are just about you two? A class you want to take together? A rooftop that has memories attached that you could arrange a regular visit to? What things could he do to make you feel special as a woman, too? Do you like gifts? Little notes? Flowers? Massage?

Think through the acts of love that might help, rather than looking for chemistry that has faded. And communicate whatever you come up with, as well as your feelings of disconnection sexually, and a desire to work on it.

You can get to a healthy place again with him, even if you can't go back to the magical days of chemical fog that start most relationships. But it does take work and maintenance time.

Well this happens to most people, i went through this especially after having the babies. First i think stress causes this problem and you might be blaming your husband for not helping you enough. At least that's how i felt when I suddenly lost interest in sex.

The way to sort this out is to have an open talk with him, identify what's stressing you and ask him to help out. He might be feeling neglected now all your attention is on the children. You both need to show each other you care and still in love. Afew smiles, touching and loving words should ease the way. Hope you get back the drive, no marriage can survive without sex.

Good luck.

I think it helps to see your husband in a new environment, other than your home. My husband always looks so much cuter to me when I look at him in another location. When I occasionally show up at his office, I look at him working at his desk and think, "he's kinda cute." Maybe it's seeing him work.
Too bad we can't have sex at his office.

Go out more. Maybe you already do, in which case I have no solution.

I think every relationship goes through this. I have been married 20 years and I found that wearing something that makes me feel good about myself and turns my husband on made a huge difference. I also bought things that I felt would turn my husband on that we could share together, like a dirty movie or a sex toy that was comfortable for both of us. You really need to appreciate each other and tell your spouse just how much you do. They will be positive which makes the relationship stronger. When the marriage is strong the family is as well.

I send my husband text messages at work to let him know what I am planning something special or sexy. This helps get us both in the mood. Try and bring some spice into it and I'm sure it will help you feel excited as well.

Good luck,
W. W.

M.-

I'm in the same boat - almost exactly the same boat. I have the most amazing husband with whom I've weathered some serious storms, but the flame from the beginning of the relationship has been gone.

In my case, it's likely medical. My testosterone levels are low, and injections are an option.

In addition to the behavioral things other Moms suggested, you may want to mention it to your OB/GYN, have a blood test and see if there is a medical issue as well as getting caught-up in life. I never did the injections, because I wanted more children, it was advised not to by an Endocrinologist until we're finished with children.

This happened to my sister after her husband came back from serving in Afganistan. Her friend recommended that she pick up the book "Love Dare" and it wasn't easy but she followed the journal and after the 40 days (I think it's 40) she and her husband were in a MUCH better place in their relationship. It's a journal that you keep to yourself, you don't share with your husband. If you've seen the movie "Fireproof", it's the journal that the husband uses.

Great question that I'm sure many of us can relate to. I am looking forward to reading your responses.

Before sex was driven by the desire to reproduce. Now is it a communication. Affection increases consciousness, increases well-being.

Slow down. There is no value in judging yourself for things changing. Now there is a new adventure is communication. Letting go of old ideas and expectations creates a sense of innocents and space.

Make sure to create quiet and space to be together.

To be honest I have the same problem and we have only been together four years. I have read though that having a "date night" regularly, where you do something that you both liked before you had kids to kind of reconnect. I think for me, my husband doing things like bringing flowers for no reason, and spending time with me doing things I like to do makes me attracted to him again, because I remember how it was when we first met and how sexy I thought he was. I also try to do things for myself like buying attractive clothing,undergarmentsm and such to make myself feel more attractive and sexy for him. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

sometimes low levels of hormones play a part in this. i am reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and finding it useful in improving my relationship with my husband.