Sexual Language from Five Year Old

It could very well be that he heard it from another boy at class who hears it at home, ie: from an older brother saying it to his friend (as we know guys joke around), from dad saying it to mom (and i dont mean just in a mean nasty way when they might be fighting and he is angry, which is not right i must say, but even in a loving way when they think they cant be heard). I know these things might sound strange but we NEVER NEVERknow what goes on behind closed doors. I know someone who's 4 year old son asked her what does 'Suck my d---' mean. She was horrified. She ended up taking him to a therapist for one or two visits only who was able to ask certain questions without putting thoughts in the childs head as she was concerned that maybe someone asked him to do it to him, or he had been molested. After one visit she told me she felt better and was pretty convinced nothing had happend to her son and that it was just him repeating things he has heard somewhere. My son is now 8 and my husband and I are not perfect and sometimes a bad word slips out but when my son started kingergarten I was amazed at some of the the things that came out of his mouth.

B., I'm so sorry this is happening in your family. I know how hard it can be, believe me.
I heard about something similar from a friend that happened years ago. The two boys had been playmates since birth. The parents were also close, and one day when the adults were at the dinner table and the boys were off playing, one of the moms went to check on the kids. She found both naked and the other boy saying just those same words to her son.
Of course she was horrified, she ordered them to dress right away and left with her husband and kid in tow. Apparently the other parents were still sometimes co-sleeping, and their son had been awake enough to hear his dad say this to his mom, and then he saw it happen.
When my friend confronted the other parents, they said it was no big deal. The families are estranged to this day.
I believe that children of that age cannot come up with lines like that unless they have already heard it in some context.
I agree that planting the seed of a particular playmate having said this was not exactly the right choice.
May I suggest that you see a professional to determine if your son had someone say this to him? Just to rule out the possibility of a sexual predator in his life.
Good luck. God bless.

First of all, let me say I really understand your anxiety. I have done child care in the past, therefore I had many more children to observe than the average person. One day, my little ones were playing in the back, and I was actually in the yard with them since I felt it was unsafe for them to be out alone. The little guy and girl in this incident were both about 3-1/2. I found both of them in a playhouse with their underclothes down examining and comparing private parts. I just matter of factly pulled their clothes back up for them and then told them that wasn't how their moms and dads would want them to play. I made a point to talk to both sets of parents and found that the little boy had been "taught that kind of behavior" from an older cousin. But I never had another problem, and at least at my house, it never happened again.
But it's really not the same as having that child ask you, and I believe, probably innocently to do something. It's obvious to me that he thought of it as a kind of play.
Good luck in handling this situation.
A.

First of all, this is absolutely not your fault! Second of all, not, that is not common language from 5 yr olds. I'd say not common til about middle school ages. So, someone he plays w/is seeing or hearing things that they shouldn't be subjected to, doesn't know what they mean, & is saying them. I do find it interesting that you've already felt the need to tell your son & the neighbor boy about keeping clothes on & no touching while playing....I assume this is cuz you've already caught them touching each other inappropriately? That said, I would tread lightly about confronting the neighbor parents. As you said, you may have put the thought into his head by suggesting the neighbor boy. So, while, yes, it is unsettling & concerning that he brought this up, I'd say just have another talk about good & bad touching, etc & if you witness the conversation w/the neighbor boy, then talk w/them both calmly about it & mention it to his parents as well w/o placing blame..."Hey, I heard an interesting cnversation from the boy today....have you heard this before from them, as well?' Or something along those lines. And as you mentioned, be prepared for the friendship to end. Good luck & hope this helps!

B., I think that you definitely should have a talk with the other boy's parents. Hopefully, they will not become defensive. Your son also might have picked that up from preschool. Kids say all sorts of things to each other. I would also ask his preschool teachers if they have had any problems with the children in his class saying inappropriate things to each other. I also think you are right to take this serious. A child your son's age, male or female, would only repeat something like that if he or she heard someone else say it. At your son's age, kids don't normally think of things like that to say. He could have heard an older child say it or over heard an adult conversation. Kids that age have sonic hearing. However, you are right to be concerned and I wouldn't just let this pass, but do a little investigating as I mentioned above.

Good luck.

Pat

Keep in mind that children sometimes repeat words without knowing the meaning behind them. With the scene you described, I can see your cause for concern. Unfortunately, the 6 year old may have heard from older children or siblings or even classmates. I often get the canned response, "------ told me". That is not always the case.

I tell my young ones that your private parts are not for anyone else to touch. I have told them to say "no!". You can express to your child to come tell you if someone tries to touch them. The best way to get honest responses is to ask calmly as in an everyday conversation. I will periodically remind them as they're disrobing for their bath etc.

My son has put on his sisters dress up stuff, and he is very much a boy, so I wouldn't let the dress up issue scare you.

Unless you or your husband use these words then you can be sure your son heard it from someone else. This someone else either has an older sibling (probably a brother), a cousin, or a parent who is clueless about kids. If your neighbor doesn't fall into the above category you should ask the preschool teacher. Chances are they've heard other inappropriate things from the same child.

One thing I'm very confused about...your comment about a rule of no nudity, closed doors, etc. We don't have a "rule" but it's never been an issue. Why would 5 and 6 year olds want to be naked to play?

I don't think this is your fault. We live in a very sexualized society. Children are almost thrust into it at birth. Even if your child isn't watching things like that on television, someone else's might be. Either that or it could be that one of his friends... whoever might really have said that... could have been molested.

Oh my goodness, I totally understand how upsetting this could be for you! There is natural curiosity with kids aroung this age (I have boy 8, girl 7, girl 4, boy 2), however, those words are a bit troubling. I would be very vigilant and only allow playdates with so and so and such and such at my home. I would talk to the pediatrician - he/she is your very best resource. Also, trust your gut. So often we ignore our natural instincts when they are telling us important information. It may not be the worst case scenario that your instincts are telling you, but it may be a red flag alert to keep your son away from certain boys or homes. All the best to you and your family!

Hi B., I just wanted you know that everything you did sounds 'right on point'(big smile). And even though I don't have a 5 year old son, (my sons are 1 1/2 and 3 1/2) I worry about outside influences as well. I hope you find the other responses helpful. And I wanted to send you a few encouraging words too.
Have a great week.

Hi B.:

Sorry about your problem. There is a time and a place for everything including pornography and graphic and explicit language. We as a society have got to stop the proliferation of all of this on our PUBLIC airwaves. You see more and more sex related subjects on television and vulgar language on cable. They're pushing the envelope more and more. Of course our children are watching and copying what they are watching and hearing even if they don't know what it means. A lot of good parents want to protect their children from this exposure. You sound like one of those parents, but there are many kids with parents who are not aware of or even care what their kids are watching. And THESE kids are the ones educating OUR children. The television industry has to be more responsible on what they are offering. A lot of this programing is on early in the evening. I believe Jerry Springer used to be on around 3 o'clock when kids were unsupervised, out of school while most parents were probably at work. The Parents Television Council is an organization trying to get the television industry to clean up their act for the benefit of children. But not just children, there are many decent citizens who don't want to have channels available in their home that they find objectionable. I want decent progamming available ANYTIME someone in my family channel surfs.

The PTC is also trying to get cable choice going. That way you only pick the channels you watch and want and not pay for MTV or other objectionable channels.

It is very true that "It takes a village to raise a child." That village is the television industry and us. Let's let our children dwell in innocense for as long as they are entitled.