Shared Placement/ Partial Visitation

My best friend has had this arrangement since her daughter was 5 (she's 17 now). They have one different aspect of it. Instead of going the full week, she goes to the other parent on Tuesday from after school until the next morning when she goes back to school. This arrangement has worked great, there is never any confusion, it is what it is. They live very close to one another. My friend always maintained that although she hated being away from her only child, she has a great dad and he should be with his daughter as well. Unless the father is a crazy lunatic, I support father's involvement as much as possible. It is so much better for children.

How far away do you live from his father? Are you in the same town? And what does your son think about the arrangement?

I would agree to do a trial run over the summer, but I think every other week would be a bit too much transition for him - maybe do two weeks at a time at each place, with the other parent having the in between weekend?

As far as the school year goes, you are lucky that you both live in the same school district so that makes sharing more of a possibility. Maybe rather than doing one week on/off during the school year, on his weekends, he could do a Thurs night to a Monday. That way he gets the opportunity to see him off to school/pick him up a couple of extra days a month? I think the transition would be easier to handle if the original schedule was just extended a few days rather than creating a whole new schedule. Then, offer the opportunity that if that goes well for a school year, you can add additional days the following school year.

Good luck!

I have heard of this but find it to be too unsettling for the child. Our niece does this with once variation...the parent whose week it is not gets her one overnight during the week. She never seems settled and just as she gets adjusted to the household she is at, it is time to switch again. Her attitude suffers too.

Children need stability and bouncing back and forth does not provide that.

My daughter has had a 50/50 arrangement since she was 4 1/2, she is now 9. This has worked well for us. My schedule with her is:

Week 1 - Sun, Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat
Week 2 - Tues, Wed
Repeat

Any type of arrangement that means a child will be going to school from both homes will take more cooperation - homework, school supplies, sports equipment, etc. needs to be moved from one home to the other as necessary.

My ex and I talk or text almost every day to be sure we are in sync with her schedule, activities, and her stuff. All school books and papers stay IN the backpack, which goes with her always. Karate uniform stays at Dad's house. Anything forgotten at one home is that parent's responsibility to deliver to school or the other home when needed, no complaining. Her Dad lives close to her school, so it's not a big deal to deliver stuff when needed.

I agree that as children reach middle school or high school age, they benefit from more time with their fathers. I experienced this as a stepmom to a boy and girl. They came to live with us full-time at age 14 and 16 and it was better for them at those ages. I know many single, or "almost single" moms do very well raising their children, but if there is a father involved, it can be a very good thing to have that male influence more at the older ages.

Most family courts are OK with 50/50 co-parenting arrangements, I believe. Several of my friends have arrangements like this. They deal with so many absent fathers, that a father that wants MORE involvement is usually seen as a positive. As far as the change, most children are very adaptable, and if you can be OK with a new arrangement, your son likely will be, too. At 10, though, it is not OK to ask him what he wants, this puts WAY too much pressure on him to please you both in his answer.

What does the kid want or need, and is the ex looking for more time or less CS? Is he close enough that there isn't any interference with your son's acitvities and schooling? I ask because everyone has their reasons for doing things.

Would it be better for the father to have the child every other week or have weekends, school holidays and some evening time? My stepkids have EOWE with their mom, Spring, Summer and Winter break and occasional special nights/days in between. She probably gets more quality time that way. When she has the kids in the summer, we get EOWE.

Middle school is harder than elementary school. For this to work things like both being on top of homework need to be equal so that you don't get your son and find out that he's had a project for a week that his dad never did with him.

In our case, it just works out better in part because we work 9-5s and their mom doesn't. I'm not saying EOW can't work, but it's a big change and a lot needs to be considered, not just for the father but for the child, too.

Edit to add that I would not make a change on a handshake, especially if you don't always get along with the other party. I wouldn't sweat an occasional extra night or something, but sometimes people want to agree to a big change without actually getting it legal and that often backfires...especially if the parties don't always agree. If you say no and he feels that strongly, he can take you back to court about it. If you do offer Sundays, make a provision with him about being able to have him sometimes if your family needs his attendance somewhere, too. Try not to cut yourselves out of weekend fun-time with your son. Just because you see him more during the week doesn't mean you don't deserve some weekend time as well.

My son has his daughter, 10 yrs old, Sunday night-Wendesday morning and every other weekend. He also coaches her soccer team, so he sees her a lot. This works for him, he gets to be a hands on dad and gets time for himself.
One thing though, be sure that whatever clothes, shoes ect go with your son come back to your house. My ex used to keep the clothes and I didn't get them back until they were too small. My son has gone through the same thing.

What about trying it in the summer like you said and see how that goes. If that goes well then start the school year off this way and if it goes great then leave it. If it doesn't go good then stop. I don't think you will know how your son will react until you actually try this schedule.

I really don't think there is a "set" visitation schedule any more for families. Most families do "what works" for them and not a set schedule like every other weekend any more.

I have a different perspective. I was a child that did one week back and forth between my Mom and Dad. I am now 37 with my own child. But I can vividly remember those days as a pre-teen.

The arrangement left me feeling like I did not belong anywhere. I lived out of my bag. I had my own room and things at each place but I never felt like I completely belonged anywhere. AND the rules at each house were VERY different. So one week (at dad's) I had strict rules and then the next week (at mom's) I had no rules at all. It left me craving structure and wanting to belong somewhere.

I agree with you, the arrangement would work fine short term (ie in the summer) but longterm it is hard on the child (at least it was for me). After doing this for a while, I started acting out. I got into fights, ran away, etc. All things that were not the norm for me.

Good luck.