Should I Be Worried About Husband's Friendship?

If someone screws up THAT bad in a MAJOR way, as far as i'm concerned, part of the consequence is laying everything on the table, and he's not. why is he being so sneaky?

Since I am the jealous type I would definitley be worried, especially since he cheated all those years ago. It would bother me that he didn't mention his lunch with her. Being honest and open are sooo important. I can't stand when guys say "you didn't ask" when they don't come right out and tell you something like that. My hubby came out right away when a coworker started hugging/flirting with him. That is sooo much better than finding out the way you did! I think you should just tell him the complete honest truth. You accidently stumbled onto his messages and found out about his lunch with an old friend. If nothing more than friendship was going on then he should be totally open about it. Just let him know how uncomfortable that makes you. Sorry, but if my hubby cheated on me I don't know if I could ever let him live that one down. He is just going to have to deal with your questioning his faithfulness and your insecurities. So, yes I think you should be worried and confront him about it!

I probably should refrain from responding but... Here is my brief history. Recently divorce mother of B/G 4 year old twins. My ex cheated on me for 6 out of the 12 years we were together. So I am a little jaded.

He should have told you about the lunch when you asked how is day was, if it was a lunch with an old friend it should be no big deal. Especially with your history he should be completely honest with you. My ex wouldn't let me see his cell phone bill, first clue and had his own email address set-up that he communicated to her on. Marriage should be honest and open and if they are just freinds then he should tell you about their lunch. I would snoop and I did snoop until I got the info I needed. Good Luck!!

K.

What worries me is he didn't tell you about, but let you find out on your own. I call BS if he thinks you wouldn't notice him doing stuff on your computer. Very passive/aggressive.

I would talk to him about it. Tell him what you told us. See what he says and then go from there.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Considering your past I would feel uncomfortable as well. And I'm old school and believe that I should be my husband's best friend (he's mine). My hubby associates with women at work in a groupk, but not privately at lunch or outside of work. It just isn't right. I would not go to lunch with an old guy friend and the only time I have ever associated with an old guy friend my hubby was with me. It keeps things on the up and up...no misunderstandings, no chances for anything to get out of hand.

Doesn't matter if she's beautiful or an ugly duckling...Physical attraction can happen between anyone. Time alone, in secret, with old times to spark feelings of youth and good times is a recipe for disaster.

You don't put yourself in situations that can lead to mistakes. You just don't.

I would confide in him that you came across this info...after all he did it on your computer. Maybe he wants you to know. I would tell him that you aren't comfortable with him having a friendship with a female outside of work or any female in which he would be alone with. It just isn't appropriate. If he gets defensive and blows it up in your face...then worry.

My brother has been having a time with his wife whom started up a rekindling of a friendship with a guy from highschool. She hid it from him for six months. Turns out she's been calling him all hours of the day, she's been meeting him from time to time and even taken her kids. At one point my brother caught her at his house and all the lights were off. She has tried to tell him he's blowing things out of proportion. My brother can't call her at work but this guy can call during all hours. Frankly it just isn't right. Turns out that my brother confided in a guy at work who just happened to know someone that works with this guy. He's a real piece of work. He's been married twice and divorced and each time he was involved with a married woman.

My brother spoke to the man to his face. He explained to this guy that he didn't want him talking to his wife anymore. He had three kids and a home with her and wasn't planning on a divorce. And he would appreciate it if this guy would respect his family and leave his wife alone. Then he got his wife to agree that the relationship with an old highschool friend was inappropriate and she would stop talking to him.

Needless to say it hasn't stopped and my brother is contemplating a divorce. It isn't right and she seems to think this so-called friendship is more important than her marriage or her kids. It just doesn't make sense.

You need to just tell him up front that it isn't right. He needs to respect your feelings as his wife. Your relationship is more important than a friendship with an old highschool friend. That is very insignificant in the scheme of things. He should be more than willing to end it.

I think it's a good idea to discuss and set up boundries to protect your marriage. For example, my husband and I have agreed that we will not hang out one on one with someone of the opposite sex. We only hang out with someone of the opposite sex when we're together or there is a group of people we know.

Also, I think that the best thing to do is be upfront and honest. It's fair to let him explain his side of the story. If nothing's going on, it will put your mind at ease. If there is something wrong, then you can address the problem.

I know how it feels to be compelled to check on my husband too. And to sometimes compare myself to someone he knows that is more beautiful. But I've found that I'm always more miserable when I'm silently checking and worrying than if I would just tell him what's bothering me right away. If you're husband loves you it doesn't matter how pretty that women is. There will always be better looking people but you are his wife! You're relationship with eachother goes beyond that. I'm sure you still love him just as much when you come across a very handsome man, right?

I sincerely hope everything works out okay. Take care.

We're all entitled to our secrets, but in a relationship, that sort of secret isn't okay. You need to bring it up for sure. If it makes you feel icky, trust your gut. Even if it was completely innocent, which I'm not sure I believe, it wasn't innocent to hide it from you. You two are supposed to be a team. I wouldn't even mention how you found out until you've talked to him. If you ask what he did for lunch and he still doesn't tell you the truth, I would seriously reconsider your relationship. He's cheated before with an old "friend." Do what your gut tells you, but dont' let him get away with that sort of dishonesty.

I would go with your gut. If you think something is going on ..... well there probably is.....sorry. A womans intuition shouldn't be ignored.

I totally feel the same way, however I have always been insecure with my relationships because one of my boyfriends cheated so my husband gets tortured because I am always suspicious and he gives me no reason to, however in you situation I think that even though it was a long time ago, you have reason to question his actions. I always say "tell me the truth, because even though I might get mad, you've told me and there is nothing to hide. If you don't tell me and I find out, I will be not only really mad, but now you are hiding something because you didn't tell me". He usually does, but that doesn't stop me from snooping. I not sure if you have reason to be worried you need to go with your gut. I would ask him. I agree that he may not be telling you because you will freak out, but is not telling him you know a secret you can live with? or will it eat away at you to not say anything? Is this the same girl that he cheated with? Women are the worst and she may be the problem. She might be hitting on him for her self esteem or as a challenge. I totally agree with you on the ugly thing. My husband can have lunch with ugly women all he wants but if she's cuter/prettier than me, he better be ready to fight! Another thing that you might want to consider, being a SAHM is really hard. You lose you identity and life almost. My mother told me she almost went crazy wondering what my dad was doing at work and who he was having lunch with until she went back to work. We are lucky to be able to stay at home and give our kids better lives, but I will be the first to admit... when I'm busy, I worry less about my husband being out there in a work force full of women. Maybe try to get into a playgroup or hobby. Maybe scrapbook all the pictures of the beautiful baby you have together. It'll remind him of so much he has with you.

M.-

First, deep breath. While your discovery was upsetting, you need to take a deep breath and trust in your relationship. Your hubby has not done anything wrong at this point and neither have you. Finding out that he didn't elaborate about his day and his interactions with another woman was definitely not what you expected but could be explainable.

The way I see it, you have two choices:

1) You could confront your husband and share with him what you know and your concerns. This has the advantage of stopping things IF something were to happen and preventing you from constantly monitoring his behaviors, e-mails, etc.

2) You could continue to monitor things until you have more "proof" to finally take to him that he is damaging your relationship. This gives you the ability to really "see" what is going on behind your back.

Personally, I would recommend that you need to be upfront and honest with him immediately. You guys have gone through enough trust issues that you really don't need anything else dividing you. Talking with him to find out where his heart is and getting the reassurance that you need, will put this behind you before anything starts. Getting through this can also help you put the past behind you because it will show you even more that your husband is committed to you.

I wish you luck in this situation. Talk with your hubby. Sounds like he is a pretty good guy and that you guys will get through this just fine.

N.

Honesty and trust are key to a succesful relationship. I would definitely ask him about it, and tell him how you found out about his lunch date. You weren't snooping you happen to come across it while on your computer.

You will be bothered by it if you don't ask. As his wife, I think you have the right to know.

Good luck, its a tough situation!

If he didnt share it, he's already not trusting you to trust him...did I get that right? Yeah. OK. I have my husband's e-mail addresses and passwords etc, and he has mine. Rule one don't write anything that the other can't read. The rules of our house are the same for us and the kids. Honesty is absolutely the most important rule of our house and a lie of ommission is still a lie. My ex called a few months ago, and the first thing I did was call my hubby and let him know even though I knew it would upset him. Recently a girl from his past (who he has slept with) has been asking mutual friends for his number and e-mail. He made sure she was given his personal e-mail and let me know about it so just in case I see it while looking for something else in his e-mail (receipts, bank notes etc..) I don't automatically go into panic mode.
If it was perfectly innocent, why are you concerned to talk to him, as he should have nothing to hide and you did nothing wrong. He is the one who left his account open for you to read. Plus if he has nothing to hide why would he care if you saw it or looked?

Yes. You should be concerned. There are NO secrets in marriage about other woman. All relationships with the opposite sex should be disclosed. If he thinks that it would bother you to know he had lunch with this woman than he should NOT have done it in the 1st place-simply out of respect for you and your marriage.
I think you should talk about it now and get it out on the table. Your past trust issues lead you to think something is wrong- and that is a valid feeling. He will be on the defense because he knows he should have told you upfront. Do not let him make you feel guilty for finding out- you wouldn't have known if he didn't use your computer.
There is a good chance it was just lunch with an old friend- and it needs to stop there.

Coffee hasn't kicked in so as I re-read this, it sounds as if I'm scolding you -- not the case, just simply offering a different perspective. Please don't take this as negative, just as a different view point that I'm not able to word correctly...
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Imagine if you had not found anything on your computer. He comes home from work and in the course of telling you about his day, says that he had lunch with a friend from HS. Naturally you'd ask about who the person was, were they good friends back then, etc.

How would you feel if he told you it was a woman or in the course of conversation, you discovered it was a woman? I would imagine you'd feel about the same as you do now - you'd wonder about her, their relationship then and now, etc.

Admitting that you found this information on your computer may put him on the defensive and feeling like you don't trust him. You saw that something was different when you turned your computer on and continued reading anyway.

You say he's a good husband - then trust him. Confronting him about what you found will send a strong message that you don't trust him. Why else would you have continued to read and then asked him about it?

My guess is that he didn't tell you about her because he knows how our (women's) minds typically work -- we go in all kinds of directions and start thinking the worst when what happened could simply be just lunch and catching up.

If your marriage is good, he won't stray. I think your best bet is to put this out of your mind and forget it ever happened.

If you can't do that, at least consider how you'd feel if he was prying into something about you-- looking into an email to a girlfriend, listening in on a call, etc. You'd feel betrayed and like he didn't trust you. Not a good feeling to have on the receiving end.

Hey M.-
Are you kidding? You HAVE to talk to him about this. First of all, you were not snooping it was on your lap top. Just tell him how you came across it. Be honest with him...I'm sure after 14 years you have found that communication is the key to a good relationship. Describe exactly how you feel to him, just what you posted to the rest of us. You will absolutely be driving yourself crazy and be suspicious of everything if you don't get to the bottom of this now.

I think this issue needs to be addressed in a confident manner on your part. Don't even consider sounding guilting about coming across this email. Don't let it get turned around to you doing any snooping. Keep the conversation relaxed and be confident.

Honey, I'm wondering why you kept your lunch with so and so from me? Normally you let me know when you go out to lunch with your friends. Then let him take it from there. You can have some other questions in mind as well.

Given your history, this behavior is a red flag. It doesn't necessarily mean "guilty." So let him explain.