My 5 y/o son attends Jr. Kindergarten. In the beginning he was very shy and didn’t really play with the other kids. There was another boy in class with a similar personality. About 2 months into school they became inseparable. The Mom and I would laugh about how they talked about each other all the time at home.
My son has become quite attached to this boy and vice versa. In fact they are each other’s only friend.
My son hasn’t missed any school but about a month ago his friend was absent and when I picked up my son from school that day, the teacher said my son was sad all day because his best buddy was absent. She said he participated in school but during recess, he sat alone not playing with anyone.
Well yesterday his friend was absent and my son again was super sad. Today when I dropped my son off at school he asked his teacher if his friend would be there today and when his teacher said No my son started to cry so bad. He wanted me to take him home. This went on for about 5 minutes (seemed like an eternity LOL!)
I’m telling my son I had to get to work (I work part-time while my kids are in school) but I assured him I would pick him up in just 3 hrs. He was so upset, crying and I left feeling so terrible. The teacher was great in getting him to go into the classroom. This was so out of left field because he absolutely loves school and has done great! The teachers always tell me how wonderful he is and participates in everything. When I asked the teacher she said that the 2 boys are highly intelligent and could be why they are so attached to each other and very shy around others. Could this be why?
Can anyone give me advice on how I can talk with my son about making new friends? I feel his attachment has become too much and it’s causing him too much sadness when his friend is absent that it will start affecting him at school. If he has other friends he wouldn’t feel “alone” per se on the days he’s at school, and his best buddy isn’t. I want to help him!
A little about my son – he is very affectionate, loves to cuddle and we’re always holding hands. We’re always hugging and he gets so much love at home. He is very shy around people he doesn’t know.
Any words of advice? What is your take on this?
Thank you so much lovely ladies for helping me feel better. I know I can’t fix everything for my little man but gosh I wish I could! My heart breaks when I see him cry. I’m sure you all know what I mean.
We talked about it last night and I mentioned to him that next time his Mom will call me if he will not be at school and then we can make him a card. My son liked that idea.
I would never tell my son that his feelings are wrong. He feels safe expressing them and it's wonderful. He has learned from his Dad and I that's it's o.k. to be sad, frustrated or whatever. He's really a wonderful boy with a BIG heart =-)
Oh and my son plays baseball and does Karate.
If my best friend suddenly went away, I would be very sad. It could be that he's just grieving from a loss. I know how much you just want to take away all his pain, but this just may be one of those things he needs to learn on his own.
He sounds a bit like my daughter. She tended to revolve her whole social world around one friend. And if things went bad between them she was crushed. As she has gotten older she has broadened her friend circle. Looking back, I wish I had gotten her involved in team sports and also in karate. I think both things would have busted her confidence.
If it were me, I wouldn't talk to your son about it at all. It will only make him more anxious. If you seem disapproving of his attachment, he's going to be very confused. You need to let him have this friendship, and here's what I'd do:
Talk to his teacher, and ask him if she could invite the pair of them to join other small groups of children in a group game or activity. She will likely have to take their hands and lead them into it, and then keep an eye out to make sure they stay there. Hopefully, when they begin to pair off and leave the activity (back to their comfort zone), she'll lead them back to the small group. They'll have each other, and will also get the benefit of getting contact with other children. (My son is being stretched like this too... PM me if you want to know what his teachers are doing. They're wonderful!)
Remember, this is your son's challenge, and he'll have to come to terms with it on his own, in his own time. He's doing a lot of growing this year, and believe me, this isn't a 'forever' thing. Have confidence that he's going to do just fine. He's just still learning a lot. Kids have to learn how to play in groups, and that requires developing some complex social skills. Have heart--he's just learning this one as he goes along. NO Comments to your little boy!:)
H.
I think he found a similar soul and just misses him when he's not there. I don't think you need to *do* anything.
Just encourage him to be a friend to all of his classmates. Ask questions about them. Ask him who he thinks is funny, who he thinks is smart, talk about the other kids, etc.
I wouldn't do anything, I think it's great your son has such a great friend. I like what one mother wrote about having a picture of his buddy so he can carry it around. They both are good friends to each other. That's hard to find, and I think it's great it happened for your son, especially at such a young age.
As much as we'd like, we just can't fix all the problems our children will have, especially the emotional ones. I strongly recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book shows how parents can support a child in addressing a conundrum himself. We don't usually think about young children in these terms, but they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.
My grandson is a sensitive 5yo, and this approach tends to work very well for him. I sure do wish you and your little guy well.
It is growing pains.... per the emotions.
He will adjust.
Just don't make him feel that anything is 'wrong' with him.
Because there is nothing wrong with him.
Just teach him to express his feelings... which is VERY important for boys.
And that it is okay. That any feelings, are normal and okay.
Teach him that he can talk to you about it... and his feelings and any concerns. In time, he will become more articulate in talking about it and in handling it.
Many times, for a child to be able to talk about it.... without being 'judged' is very, helpful.
It is venting.. .like how we all need that too.
He has just bonded with that friend. It is his best friend.
And now he has feelings of 'missing' that friend. All normal emotional development in a child.... but at this young age, they do not yet have 'automatic' "coping-skills."
Not even some adults, have coping skills for those feelings.
So see it that way....
NOTHING is wrong with your son.
But he is having growing pains and 'new' feelings arising in him.
All natural and normal.
It is a learning curve.
How you help him to manage... however, will affect how HE handles his emotions.... ie: if he will become articulate in expressing himself and feeling safe and confident in that... OR, keeping feelings bottled-up in him because others judge him for it and tell him to keep a stiff upper lip.
This is all about the formation... and development of a child's emotional 'intelligence' and how they then... form themselves. Expressing things healthily or not.... per how adults react to him about it.
Help him, just by talking about it, and letting him know he is OKAY.
Validate him.
Don't try and 'convince' him that his feelings are 'wrong' or that it does not exist. Acknowledge it... and help him how to think about it.... so that he learns to think positively and in a self-assured manner.
These things are all 'learned' in a child, by them being taught it.
all the best,
Susan
My take is that's your son's personality. Don't try to fix or change it. Your son is going to have to learn to deal with his friend being gone occasionally.
It sounds like the teacher handles it well; all you need to do is hug him and cuddle him and say, "yes, it is sad when little Billy isn't at school."
You could try inviting other kids over for playdates, but if your son is the type of boy who only bonds with a select few others, then he might never become overly social.
Also, he's only 5. Don't worry, kids do change as they grow.
This may sound silly but there was a recent episode of Ni-hao Ki-lan where the one character had to leave his toy behind and he was very sad. You might try to explain to your son that while it's hard when his friend isn't there, his friend will be back (but only if you know the kid hasn't moved or something). I wonder if it would help to get a picture of the two of them and then make keychain buttons for each to put on his belt or backpack so that they are "there" when they are not. I would also ask him to remember all the things he likes about school and try to focus on the fun things that he can tell his friend about later.
Im sure your son was sad about his friend not being there and having that comfort. I would also say he was probably upset about having change when it wasnt expected. Is there some way this mom can let you know when he isnt going to be there. Then you can prepare him and give him other options about who he can be friends with. Maybe the teacher can direct him to play with other kids or the two of them together can play in groups. I think it is great that he has such a great friend so early in life.
I think it's awesome that he has such a close friend! Other relationships will come in due time. don't worry. I just had two close friends when I was very young. We did everything together and really didn't go outside our small group. As I grewup my social skills grew naturally on their own. Don't start to worry now. He's only 5. Just relax and let him choose whatever friend he wants.
As far as missing his friend. I think the saddness has something to do with his control of seeing his friend being taken away. Give him more control over the situation by helping him make a craft for his friend. Let him draw a get well card or "i miss you" card. It may help him express his feelings in a productive way and make him feel better that he is able to help his best buddy!
Honestly, if this were my child, I wouldn't worry too much about it. It sounds like a normal stage of a child. It sounds like this is his issue and he needs to find ways to overcome it. I would not have cried, I would have said something "realistic" that he would have to go to school anyways, that he wasn't at school for his friend but to learn. Id mention that it is nice he has a friend, but he needs to be strong on his own. He needs to learn and grow at school.
Then Id try to soften things by saying his friend can come over every now and then to our house, but Id reiterate, that he is not to be sad that his friend isn't at school. teach him strength. praise him for the things he does on his own without his friend. of course he is young- but he will definitely learn from this.
Having another child over to play at your house is a good idea, too- but you don't want to give him the impression that his confidence comes from others- but that it comes from himself. so, that being said, I wouldn't worry about outright talking to him about making new friends- it may give him the impression that is where his confidence comes from.
I would have a light conversation with him about how nice it is to have many friends bc you enjoy each of them in different ways. You can point out the friends that you and your husband have. Then instead of leaving it up to him, I would host a playdate every week for your son and another child. Try to make this happen every week! You can meet at a park or play at your home or go take the boys to do something fun. You can even invite other families over for dinner. I think it would help your son to start getting to know other kids better and feeling comfortable around them.
I agree with Sandy L. Ask your son who else in the class he would like to play with, and if he says no-one, then ask the teacher for her advice on who would be a compatible playmate. Then call up the parent of the other child and see if you can meet them at a playground for a first playdate and see what happens. If that goes well, invite the new friend over after school, then see if you can add another friend to the mix.
I happen to work from home on the days my youngest son is in pre-school so this year, he has been able to invite friends over or go to someone's house when the day ends and they have a blast. He regularly hangs out with 3 other boys and it makes such a difference in how much he enjoys his time at pre-school. On the other days, I work in the office and he goes to daycare and he hates it there. He has one friend there, but that boy is only there in the afternoon. They are the oldest in the class and he just has no use for the teacher or the other kids so when his buddy isn't there, he's disappointed for the day. Unfortunately because it's a daycare the other kids aren't available for playdates but if they were, I would probably have tried harder to help him make friends with some of the other kids. As it stands, he's only there 2 days a week until May so he'll get over it lol.
Invite another child from his class over to play.
Some kids just have that shy personality! I do not consider myself a shy person, not as a teen, young adult, or now. But I was pretty shy up to about 4th grade. In kindergarten, once a week we shared the playground with another kindergarten class. I hated that day. I would cling to my teachers skirt even though the other days I would happily play with my own classmates who were familiar. I hated having all those new kids I didn't know running around with us, and my friends all running off too like it made no difference!
When I moved to a new school in 2nd grade, I made fast friends with the girl up the street, who was in my class (still friends with her to this day!) and we always played together 2nd and 3rd grade. I remember feeling terrible dread about recess if she were to be sick one day. I would sit on the benches or FORCE myself to play with other girls we were friendly with. I have a clear memory of the distress I felt one day approaching the goup of girls by myself and asking if I could play (of course they said yes and included me, it was just my own shyness holding me back).
It wasn't til 4th grade, when they put me and my BFF in separate classes, that I finally came out of my shell.
It's just stages of development, I guess. I think kids grow out of their shyness eventually, or it just morphs into a wonderful, sensitive, introverted personality.
