Should I Feel Guilty? - State College,PA

not enough info. it's easy enough to say 'you play you pay' but we don't know the circumstances. for all we know, you deliberately used him as an impregnator and have been stalking him ever since.
when the rubber meets the road, if the DNA matches he'll still be required to pay child support. and i can't imagine why it's taken you all this time to get around to filing for it.
so, he may well be a rat. but methinks i smell more than one.
khairete
S.

I don't know why you feel guilty, but you shouldn't. You did the right thing. Hopefully they track him down, get an order in place, and actually collect on it. I've received about $600 in payments in 16 years so sometimes it's all for naught but I think it's at least worth trying.

No.
As to why you feel guilty? I have no idea. Do you harbor some guilt or unhappiness over the way the baby was conceived? Were you still a couple when you found out you were pregnant and he wanted you to have an abortion? I really don't know what you are feeling guilty over exactly... so I can't explain why you are.

Well...

What were the circumstances surrounding your pregnancy? Were you in a loving relationship? Did he ever tell you that he would not want to be a parent to your child? Did you ever discuss this before you got pregnant? During pregnancy, was he available to you? Did he express a desire for you NOT to carry the pregnancy to term?

Are you a little bitter about the fact that he married her and not you (if that is a fact), that he has moved on with a future that does not look to include you or your child? (Timing--why now?)

Of course, I don't know you, so I have nothing invested here and don't mean any insult to you. I just want to offer as an option that your feelings of guilt could be coming from knowing that you did not do all that you could have done to make this "right".

I do believe that children should be supported by the ones that made 'em. I also believe that women need to listen when men express their views on parenting. Women who decide on their own to parent children against the wishes of the men involved should expect to do so without the assistance of those men. If it's a "woman's choice", then she should be prepared to follow it through by herself.

One of my favorite quotes is this one from The Cider House Rules: "If you want people to be responsible for their children, you have to give them the right to decide whether or not they have children." Being a parent isn't just about being physically present or spending money, as you know. The very first decision that we make for our children is who the parents will be, and everything else hinges on that choice.

Your guilt may lie in your motives. Did you choose this time to file for support because you found out he was married or because you really need the financial help?

Resolve your feelings with some counseling. Your daughter needs you to be the best mom you can be while also needing you to NEVER bad mouth her father. It's a delicate balancing act.

In and of itself you shouldn't feel guilty about taking him to court for support but be prepared with an attorney. It could open a can of worms like visitation and custody. Two matters you may have not considered. If you go before a certain kind of judge you could find yourself paying childsupport and loosing custody (rare but could happen). Almost happened with my son.

If every decision you make is completely based on what is in your daughter's best interest. Sometimes that will conflict with what you feel but when you do what is best for her it all works out in the end. This is what I've done with my son who is now 19 years old and has a beautiful relationship with his father and that side of his family. Trust me the way things happened isn't the way I wanted things often but it was what was best for him.

Your child has a RIGHT to be financially supported by both of her parents.

I'd only think guilt was reasonable if he had begged you to abort and you wouldn't and told him you would take sole responsibility and now are looking to him. I do have an issue that fathers have no rights over whether a baby is born or not while the mother totally does. Just seems a bit unfair. Otherwise of course don't feel guilty!

I would feel scared he would want partial custody once he starts paying child support.

I guess I would figure my kids would be better off not knowing a man who had little to no interest in the first 2 years of their lives.

Good luck!

I know quite a few people who feel guilty any time they think that their actions or feelings will upset someone. They're afraid of being unliked or judged. That's not actual "guilt." What guilt is SUPPOSED to do, and mean, is that you recognize that you did something wrong. So, rename this feeling to regret. You regret that things are not friendly. You regret that this info will hurt or anger his wife. You regret that legal action had to be taken.

But as far as actual guilt - let it go! Did you do something morally wrong by asking for support? No. Did you try to fix it without it escalating to involving authorities, wage garnishment etc.? Yes.

Regret is inevitable, because life isn't perfect. Should you feel that you are "the bad guy"? NO!

The court will probably need proof of paternity. A simple blood test or cheek swab will take away ANY chance to be mistaken about whose child she is.

Hang in there.

Just be ready that once you file for c/s he may return the favor and want visitation with her. The more time she spends with him, the less he pays you. So you may think it's a great idea, but it may not be in the long run. Good luck.

You shouldn't feel guilty. My bet is you feel guilty for 1 (or a combination of) the following reasons (humor, but some seriousness, intended):

1. You have been raised to be a people pleaser (probably since you were little - take a look at your family dynamic and your history of past relationships); which means that you avoid conflict, you take on more accountability than you are entitled to, and you probably have some co-dependency traits. So you feel that by taking his money it means you aren't doing "enough" to provide for your child. So, in your mind, it makes you a "not good enough" mom.

2. Ex is a loser; bordering on (or actually is) abusive. Abusers like to make their victims feel like they are simultaneously undeserving and responsible at the same time, while going great lengths to get off scot-free themselves. (review the traits of #1 - these go together like ramalamadama).

3. You trapped him into impregnating you even though he brought condoms and faithfully used them every time (but you poked had a million holes into them and made sure you had sex when you would conceive) in addition to you lying and telling him you were on the pill and didn't want to get pregnant. Your relationship was bad and he was ready to break up with you, when you convinced him to have sex with you in order to trap him. So the guilt is actually something you should feel.

4. As a society we have ingrained into women that we are the caretakers of our children. We routinely let dad (not all - I am NOT dad bashing... my hubby is FANTASTIC with our kids) get off with doing "less" and we accept dads that don't pay child support or actively engage with their kids. This is because historically their "job" was to provide an income and so we tend to still see them in this role. We *take on* more child rearing tasks than we should which doesn't give dads an opportunity to dad-up and get involved.

5. Society has historically painted women as "gold-diggers". So you don't want to be seen as "going after his money". If it makes you feel better.... open a 2nd checking account where ONLY the child support goes. Then use the child support to pay for things only for your daughter. Buy her clothes from that account. Any extracuricular activities, school supplies etc. First of all you will soon see that you are spending more than that account on your daughter. 2nd you can "justify" (if even only to yourself) what you are spending "his" money on.... although you don't HAVE to justify. To ANYONE.

Just a few thoughts on a Tuesday evening.

For what it's worth- you are really going to have to stay on top of Domestic Relations. they can move at a SNAIL's pace if you aren't calling them and checking in. You are the advocate for you. You are the advocate for your daughter.

FWIW#2 - guilt and fairness are the evil twins of justice and equality. OF COURSE he should pay child support. It's extra crappy of him that he MADE you take legal action.

Did you have a paternity test to confirm that he is the father of your child? You will need to do that in order to be awarded child support. Perhaps they will require him to provide a sample for the paternity test. Maybe you are feeling guilty because you know that this news (if he is the dad) may blow up his new marriage. You should not feel guilty to get the financial support to raise your child. However, if he assumes financial support, he may become interested in having visitation with your child.

He doesn't acknowledge his daughters existence, he doesn't support his daughter and his new bride probably doesn't know about his daughter. Why do you feel guilty? He doesn't sound like a good guy. This was obviously an accident and I'm sure that is the biggest part of your guilt, let the guilt go but get support for your daughter.

Are you sure he's the father?
Has there been a paternity test to prove it?
I'd imagine he'll want proof.
Whether he likes it or not he sired this child.
He has a responsibility to help support her for the next 16 or so years.

I'm a big believer in men supporting the kids that they make.
Let go of the guilt.
If he was any kind of a decent man is new wife would know about this little girl.

If you are sure he's the father then no you should not feel guilty. I am sure if he wants he can demand a pateriaty test but that would be up to him.

You have nothing to feel guilty for.

It's normal. You are making him man up. He will say he's not her father then they'll order you and your child to show up to be swabbed. He'll be ordered to show up too. Once he's found to match her DNA they'll have the hearing. They'll take him for back support plus they'll start deducting his child support from his wages before he gets paid. It's so easy and you never have to talk to him again.

I don't even know my grand kids dads. I have met a couple of them but aren't friends with them in any way. I don't even know where they work or for sure what towns they live in. I'm grateful for the child support enforcement offices.

I think this is perfectly normal. His life is going to change forever once this is done. That's hard to do to someone else. He will have legal rights too, once this is set up. He'll be able to file for visitation and have a relationship with her if he chooses to.

You have to pay to play. Stop feeling guilty. Loser dads need swift kicks.

dont feel guilty. he should man up! even offer a dna test so he knows for sure as well then theres no denying it. the only thing maybe to feel guilty about is waiting 2 years but even then not a big deal.
though with this filing also be prepared for him to then was visitation and such. i put this only to make you also think about that possibility. he also could choose to sign away his rights to the child. theres no telling which way this will go. i hope for the best for your little ones sake.

Your daughter deserves to be supported. You would only need to feel guilty if you did not try to get support from her dad.

You should not feel guilty at all. He helped to create her and he needs to help raise her, even if it is only financially. You can't force him to act like a father, but the courts can force him to pay for his responsibilities, and they should.

Maybe being forced to admit she exists will encourage him to attempt to be more a part of her life. If his new wife is nice she may even encourage him to be more fatherly and attempt to get to know his child. But, if not, at least he will still be helping in some way to care for her.

Sounds like you have your emotions confused, like maybe you feel bad you might mess up his life.

If you want him to pay support payments don't be surprised if he wants visits and such. You don't really know what that will be like and how it will affect your child. You don't know his wife. It will mess up your two year olds life that's for sure. She'll be going off with a stranger.

Don't waste your time on guilt. Your daughter's father helped make a child and has since acted like she doesn't exist. Whether or not he is up to the duty of being a father is not your concern... he still needs to support his child. Even if he doesn't want to see her.. it is not like a person can raise a child on sunshine and air alone. Money is an undisputed necessity.

Think of it this way: if he'd done the adult thing, he would have been an adult and responded to your efforts to contact him. Since he's acting like a-- well, let's politely say that since he's acting in a patently UNadult manner, someone had to go be the big, bad grown up in that situation, which is what you are asking the government to do. This is WHY the government DOES have these options for parents who are not receiving child support from exes... because they know that sometimes, people need to be forced to do what is right as they won't choose to do it themselves.

Look at it this way, S.. He CHOSE to lie to his new wife. You didn't make him do this. You didn't put a gun to his head and tell him to do something which could very likely send his marriage into a tailspin... HE made those decisions. It sounds like you have given him every reasonable chance to do the honorable thing and be an adult, support the child he made.

If anyone should be feeling guilty, it really should be him.

I can think of two possibilities why there would be guilt.

1) Is the guilt coming from you trying to protect him because you still care about him? Perhaps you are not being honest with yourself??? If you are putting your baby first and above your feelings and above him, then there should not be any room for guilt.

2) Are you absolutely certain it's his baby? Not because, to you, the baby "looks like the daddy" but because you were not with anyone else at the time of conception and/or you've had a test to prove it.

I wish the best for you and your baby! Good luck!

Of course you should not feel guilty! However, the only thing you should feel guilty about is not filing for child support 2 years ago.

NO! If he is the father, then he should be paying support, end of story. You can't expect him to come live with you in a "happily ever after" situation, but you can expect him to pay for clothing, food and education.
HE is the one who should be feeling guilty, NOT you. Remember that, push those feelings aside, and move forward to give your daughter the best life you can.

I am not sure why you are feeling guilty. This is his daughter. He HAS to support her. He's already not there for her physically and emotionally and deep down inside that hurts her. My dad was not there for us, and also refused to pay child support until my mom finally took him to court when I was 16 or 17. I had a lot of issues, anger, sadness and low self esteem that stemmed from my dad's non-role in my life. It took a good long time to work through that. The least your ex can do is contribute financially. Why are so many guys such JERKS.

I don't know why you'd feel guilty. He should have gotten a paternity test and started supporting his daughter 2 yrs ago. He didn't and left it up to you to do everything while he decided to carry on with his life like nothing happened.

You should be proud of yourself for putting your daughter's needs ahead of any bad feelings this will cause. After all he is equally as responsible for her as you are. Don't back down even if he contacts you and wants to do this without the state being involved.

Are you feeling guilty about filing for child support, or about doing it through Domestic Relations? I don't think you need to feel guilty about either. Going through Domestic Relations is a reasonable (and, I hope, effective) way to get this piece of business done. If your daughter's father's new wife is surprised and asks questions about it, that's her problem - no, wait, it's his problem.