Should I Have Expectations of My Friend?

Sometimes people grow apart. It's not a reflection on you... or on her. We struggle with the same situation, only it's with my husband's closest friend. Sad, but neither of them is a bad guy.

Sometimes people just drift apart. She might feel that you two just don't have anything in common anymore. Or maybe she's just busy or doesn't know what to talk about anymore.

I think you should just look for new friends.

I've learned not to have expectations of anyone. Because eventually, you will be let down.

I would personally let it go. You can still be friends and not talk to someone for years. Life happens.

Let it go. Don't make or break a long term friendship over how long it takes her to call you back. You haven't spoken to her in a year.... maybe she is out of town. Maybe she is out of the country. Maybe she is in the hospital or ... or.. or....

It's not a big deal. Maybe she just was busy the day she got your message and it slipped her mind amongst all the other stuff she has going on. She'll remember it at some point, and may even feel sad/guilty for taking so long to call back. So no need to wait for HER to return the call. When a month or two has gone by, give her a call. She has probably been up to all sorts of interesting things to tell you about...

FWIW, I too have friends like that. (I am a SAHM, they remained childless and live the "glamourous" working/social life).. and we don't talk nor see each other often. Sometimes it approaches a year. Sometimes not. But it is no big deal. It's just life. I love her like the sister I never had, and she I (she's actually an only child)... but we don't have much in common these days and unless we actually manage to physically get together and do something, some conversations are a little on the awkward side. But it doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter if long periods of time go by.
Don't be so quick to think a phone call is worth dropping a long time friend.

She hasn't called me back......yet....

I just added another word to the end of your sentence, as that is how I would emotionally look at the return phone call dance.

Are you sure she's even in the country right now to call you back? You know, being a career women and all???

I've been on business trips with my hubs that last 3 weeks or longer. And I do not call friends back when I'm traveling, and probably don't get around to it until a good week or two after returning home...so that could be up to a month before returning old friend phone calls.

Let me add my old age advice. I gleaned this insight from older friends who my hubs and I used to have a fabulous time with..but we moved. They told us that when they were younger and getting to know other couples and maintaining friendships, they allowed little, annoying, relationship differences to end both old and new friendships. And now looking back, they regret having acted so. They felt rather lonely in their old age not having those old friends to commiserate with and laugh with.

Life is too short to keep tabs on just phone calls. A 3 hours difference is substantial....maybe she doesn't want to wake you at night, or interrupt dinner, the timing alone can be tough. Do you have her email?

I would not cut ties over just an inability to return a phone call. There would have to be serious relationship difficulties and differences in lifestyles and choices, etc.

If I were you, I'd let it go. If she doesn't return your call, it's her loss. She won't have the opportunity to talk to a great person like you.

I have a college friend (I won't tell you how long ago college was) whom I see only every few years. We live over a thousand miles away from one another. We don't phone or e-mail one other often, unless there's an emergency. But when we do talk, it's as if we live next door to one another. We just aren't moving in the same circles at all any more, but she's still my friend and I'm hers and we know it!

urgh!!! i call people back...i don't think it's wrong to expect a call back..however, she's single and in New York......

if she doesn't call back - then just shrug it off, keep her in your thoughts and prayers and send her a note to let her know you are thinking of her. otherwise - don't push or stress.

One other point that I'd like to make is that New York City, in particular, is INSANE. It's really really hard to get to the grocery store because you have to carry everything (no car), and no one has a place to cook because your $3,000/month apartment has no kitchen. It's impossible to get laundry done because you're competing with the whole building for two machines, and if she's dating in NYC, her life is in constant upheaval because there are almost no normal men in the entire city. (Don't I sound like someone who has been through this?) I think you are justifiably hurt that she hasn't gotten back to you, but I would like to say that life in NYC is a little like life on another planet, and the pace is so, so crazy it takes several months of being away to even realize that you were actually living like that every day. I'm sure she doesn't realize that she's been hurtful, because I bet she doesn't have a moment of real downtime. (Martinis in the meatpacking district doesn't count as real downtime. ) Hopefully soon she'll take a break from there and come back and realize that she's been a bad friend, but from my experience, it's probably accidental.

no you're not wrong to expect that. i'm more similar to your friend than i am to you unfortunately. i'm horrible at calling people back. it's not b/c i don't care. it's not b/c i don't love them, miss them, & think about them. it has a lot to do with good intentions..."I meant to call them back, but...I forgot, I got too busy w/something, I didn't know what to say"
I haven't talked in one of my friends like that in awhile either and at this point, i feel SO guilty for having not talked to her that i honestly don't know what i'd say to her. :( but that's ME. when it goes by too long i get a little embarassed, as if they're mad at me or something. but really, i'm a huge scatter brained goof & i listen to the msg, smile, WANT to call back, then i just...don't. :(
you're making me want to call people back now. :) thanks.
good luck w/your friend. she still loves you & misses you too :)

let it go for now. she could be very busy. if she doesnt call back in a few days try again and if she still doesnt answer or call back maybe she got a new number. either way its nothing to fret about.

I have only one friend that I have kept "through sick & sin" since we were 11 years old. Even though we hardly ever see each other more often than once or twice a year, if that (and can go for ages without any kind of communication between us) I still consider her my friend. She owns her own business and has 2 small kids while my children are 18 and 15 years old respectively and I only work when we absolutely need the extra income! Like most relationships, friendship is rarely (if ever) 50/50. I usually let a bit of time go by and then try again to get in touch with her again. Invariably when we DO manage to get together we have a great time catching up on each other's lives! I believe that quality trumps quantity every time. I hope you hear from your friend soon! :)

No you have no right....time goes on, things change, you went one way your friend went another. If she did not return you call, she chose not to. I would send a card at Christmas and see what happens....If you get nothing (no response)...move on...your friend has.

Blessings...

She's single and the career girl, who knows where she could be for work or what she has going on. I recently started a new job and a couple of weeks ago it took me to Philadelphia for 12 days. We worked 12-15 hours per day, I'm lucky I was able to reach my almost 18 year old daughter...thank goodness for texting. I have a work blackberry and my own droid, I didn't realize until about nine days in that I hadn't checked my home office voicemail.

So your friend may be busy or couldn't talk. It has been a long time so you don't know her situation. Try again in a couple of weeks. Good luck!

As several people have posted below, try not to stress about it. She's still your friend. And hopefully, you feel like you're still her friend. I'm also a "career woman," but have a DH and young son. There are times when I don't get back to my single friends immediately, and then I feel a bit guilty about it. Similarly, there have been plenty of times when my friends who are SAHMs don't call me back -- but for some reason, I automatically give them a break and tell myself that they're just too busy with the kids, family, etc. So, why don't we do the same for our single friends? There really seem to be an unfair prejudice against singletons (both in personal life and workplace), where many people seem to think that unmarried/no kids adults don't have better things to do than cater to the rest of us and our schedules. I would recommend just letting it go for now and send her an email message or quick birthday/holiday/occasion card to let her know you're thinking of her. Best wishes.

Sometimes setting up expectations can result in getting let down. The only common thread you had was living near each other & that's been gone for a year. Sometimes just liking someone isn't enough to keep a friendship going, unfortunately. Sounds like "she's just not that into" the friendship anymore, I'm sorry to say. I would try to contact her once more, and if she doesn't respond, move on. A one sided friendship isn't really a friendship, anyway.

I mean, seriously... NO ONE is too busy to pick up the phone & have a 5, or even 3 or 2 minute conversation at some point during the hours they're awake.

She may just be away on a trip or has had a very busy few days.

I think you can probably still consider her a friend... but people naturally tend to spend most of their time w/ people in the same situation as they are in.

My best friend from childhood and I grew to be very opposite people. We have more in common now that she got married and has a baby, but I was in hers shoes nearly 12 years ago. Our conversations were mostly "remember when's", and laughing about the things we remember.

I certainly didn't want to bore her with the stories about how I'd had 2 or 3 hours of broken sleep a night for a week because of being up with a newborn with reflux or when I came home from the hospital with my 4th, and a few days later, my kids all had a stomach bug. Not that she wouldn't politely listen and offer words of comfort- but I just new she wouldn't really get it- it just felt more natural to talk to other moms about those things.

Likewise I didn't particularly get the things going on in her career, but was happy to listen if she wanted to talk about it.

Anyway, let it go. If she doesn't call back, try again in another week or so, but try not to feel hurt by it. Things just change. Doesn't mean you're not friends, IMO-

Blessings :0)

I have lived many places in my life, so I have friends from all over as well as my local friends. I learned a long time ago not to "keep score" in the friendship department and instead to enjoy what I have with a friend when I have it. So, if your friend calls back, enjoy the conversation. Then when you talk again, enjoy the conversation. You don't know why she hasn't called back, but it can be any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you. Don't keep score. If you feel like calling her again sometime, do so. Personally, I am a bigger fan of email for my long distance friends because it let's them respond at a time that may be better for them. Sometimes, phone calls just show up at the wrong time. And yes, we can have expectations for our friends, but they should not be too rigid.

I let it go and try again in a few weeks ... and then again a few weeks later, if by then you have not heard back I think it is safe to say she has moved on. My three best friends are not in the same state as I and it often takes a few rounds of "phone tag" to get each other on the phone. Three of us are all eachother's best friends and sometimes when we need to talk to the other but have not heard back (bad voice mail checkers all three of us) we call the other to help get a hold of them ... it is what happens when you live in diff states and have busy very diff lifestyles. I am in a commited relationship with baby ... One is not looking for anyone but works nights and is a great hair dresser that makes house calls ... Another is a newlywed who just got a new job/title trying to figure it all out ... the Last but not least is single (called off her wedding last year date was yesterday!) working her way back into the dating life and that is time consuming! This friend is a best friend I share with my man so if I do not hear from her sometimes it's b/c she called him on her last phone opportunity :) ... Plus, she just got a huge promotion with her job. So, we catch up when we can and the best part about it is we can go for months w/out actually talking and it's like we were having lunch yesterday! Sometimes we go to the same food chain, like Chili's and skype in a lunch/dinner date.

If you are positive she got your message and has your contact info, she'll probably call you back within a reasonable time frame. Leaving messages is never 100% accurate. I get calls lots of times and can't understand the message and can't call people back. Are you even sure you had her current phone number even? Todays technology whacks things out once in awhile.

She may be out of town or especially busy. The message could've been accidentally erased, even. I'd wait a few days and call again.

One of my best friends was a mother with 2 children when I had none. I'm now a mother and grandmother. She's retired and moved. We haven't seen each other for years but yet I suspect we would still be good friends.

I would still consider her a friend give her one more call and leave your phone number and wait for her to call you and if she does not well you are no longer friends but perhaps acquaintances with different lives.

I agree that people drift apart. I wouldn't worry about it too much. I have a close friend from college that I now talk to a few times a year, but we think about each other often, and we both know that if one of us called the other in the middle of the night and need to talk, there's no doubt we'd be there for each other. It's just a fact of life.

she's moved on in her life so should you! I was always the only one making the first move in all my friendships and it got so tiring and I finally said enough they know how to pick up a phone as well. YES it does hurt at first and you will always think of your friend but move on with your life.

Let it go. I have friends that I was very close with too that have moved to other states with their husbands for work. It is a gradual thing and it is just part of life. The realization that you may never speak to her again is hard but in reality, she didn't call you back excited to hear from you and wanting to catch up. Plus you are the one keeping the contact up.

I say just let it go and be glad you had the time together. Take with it the memories, things you learned from her, tell your kids stories about her that make you smile, and make new friends and enjoy the time you have with them too.

Do you do Facebook? That may be an easier way to stay in touch. She has a 3 hour time difference, and I remember being single and working, life is very different.

The cool thing about long time friends is the allowance for being busy and trying to understand that. You have the right to have your feelings hurt or disappointed for sure but don't hurt yourself by not still considering her your friend. She is a business woman and knowing that you haven;t spoken for a while, one would expect that it would be a fun and lengthy conversation of catch up...she may be quite busy and may want to call when she knows she will be completely free to talk. I would go ahead and call her again this weekend and leave another message just saying hi and maybe sharing a little of your recent "stuff" just to get the ball rolling. Let her know that you just wanted to catch up and really would love to hear about how she is when she gets a free moment. :)

Friends forever...

I think it is really rude not to call someone back BUT.....i am horrible about calling friends back quickly. Work is crazy, trying to spend time with DD, keep house and deal with life too. I was like that even before I had DD though - work consumed me 24/7 and I had no time for anything else. I would not take it personally (even though it is rude of her). There have been times it has taken me a month to finally call or respond back and I always feel so guilty and the longer it goes, the harder i have making the call hence i put it off longer. I would try another method: email, text, facebook etc and just say "hey - did you get my call? just wanted to make sure. I know you're busy but I want to catch up. When is good?". Keep trying - she needs you more than you think!