My second child was born at home, and it was a great experience. My plan for this baby (18 weeks) is to have the same set-up. But I have a few sticking points surrounding the issue of help, both for care of my older two during the birth, and help with the kids and baby afterwards.
Just before baby #2 was born, we paid for my mom to fly out so that she could take care of my older son during the homebirth, and help out after the birth. I really didn't want my dad there, I guess because I knew I'd be birthing at home, and I felt weird about the idea of him seeing me in labor. Long story short, baby #2 was TEN days late! When I was just a few days overdue, my mom informed me that my dad was driving out the next day, with their dog in tow. I wasn't happy about this, and let her know, but they didn't seem to care what I wanted, so my dad came out. It drove me crazy having them around when I was so overdue, I felt like a watched pot, and I was stressed out. My midwife and doula even suggested that maybe having my parents there was hindering my going into labor. I sat my mom down to tell her that she and my dad should probably go to a hotel for a few days, because there was talk of possible induction, which I didn't want. She argued that she didn't think they were the problem. It wasn't until I told her that of course we would pay for their hotel room, that she changed her tune. So it was decided that they would go to a hotel the next day--but then I ended up going into labor that night, in the middle of the night. Once I was in serious labor, my parents took our son out of the house, which is what I wanted. After the birth, however, my parents were not so helpful. They would ask what was for dinner each night (because they knew I had friends bringing meals, and they eagerly awaited them). They would complain to me that my son (then 2 1/2) was running around downstairs slamming doors, climbing furniture, etc. I tried to talk with them, tell them it was a gorgeous May day, he's little, needs to get outside and get his energy out, etc. They seemed to be content with having him "watch" tv while they read the paper, surfed the internet, etc. I had a talk with my dad, specifically. He said he didn't have money to take my son out. But, I reminded him that I had given him a complete list of FREE activities (the park, library story time, etc.) ahead of time. It was clear that my dad hadn't even bothered to check the info I'd given him. Finally, they agreed, after much aggravation, to take my son out of the house each day. Even then, they didn't take him anywhere but the local cafe once a day, so that they could get a cup of coffee. They basically bought him a cookie and then brought him home. I felt, although they were helpful with some things, they gave me a lot of added grief that I just didn't need. I was very stressed, and in need of help that I felt I wasn't getting.
My question is, what do I do for this third birth? I am already stressing about it. My mom is already talking about her and my dad coming out here in February. I need help, but I'm not sure it's a good idea for them to come, given what happened last time. They are a 7 hour drive away, so it's not like I can just call when I'm in labor. I feel like my choices are to have them come out, or have them come out but be very specific about what I need, or to not have them come out. With the last option, I need to have a backup. If a friend asked you if you would be willing to take her two kids, possibly even in the middle of the night, while she had a homebirth, would you do it? I really hate to ask anyone, and don't want to put anyone out. What would you do in my situation??? P.S. My husband is planning on taking a week's paternity leave, but in my experience, newborn days around here are particularly chaotic, complete with multiple breastfeeding problems, etc. so I'll need all the help I can get.
Thanks everyone so much for all the ideas and encouragement! I now feel so much better about not having my parents come, and about asking a friend or two to be on call when I'm in labor. So I've started a list of people I could potentially ask, and the next step will be to ask! As for after the birth, I think I will just have my freezer stocked, and maybe try to find a sitter or even a doula to help out for a few weeks, for at least a few hours a day. Thanks again--you moms are great!!!
Hell no, don't let them come out to "help"! Sounds like they caused more trouble than they helped the last time. Please let them visit later rather than have their kind of help. You don't need the extra stress that they seem to bring.... Hire someone so that you can spell out exactly what you need...
Sounds like it's more trouble than it's worth. I'd see about some post partum help with a doula or something.
I think a post partum doula is a good idea if you can afford it. I'm in Bergen county and found lots of good people in the North Jersey area when I was looking for a birth doula.
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I would consider hiring a postpartum doula. You can hire them to come out day or night and they help with the baby, with you and with your other children. Sounds much better than your parents in this situation. Instead of spending money on a hotel for them spend it on a doula.
Have the come out after the baby is born and don't let them stay with you. They have some time to save so it's not your burden.
Best of luck and congratulations on your expanding family!
If I were your friend, I would take your 2 kids anytime with no notice so you could RELAX. I would not even need to hear more than you wrote here.
Seriously. And I NEVER want to babysit. But for this, I would be happy to.
I would just have your parents visit AFTER baby. Sounds like they aren't helpful anyhow. I am expecting my third and have the same dilemma. I plan to invite my in-laws to help ONLY if all other ideas are exhausted. If I was your friend, I would be willing to help watch your kids when you went into labor, but it would be hard to help more than a day or two. Doesn't hurt to ask and see what they say. I like the ideas below about hiring a Doula. Question is, do you want a stranger to help or are a couple of helpless grandparents safer?
If it were a close friend, I would be honored to help. Even in the middle of the night. It would be exciting! :) That being said, not sure how great of a help I'd be long term, or more than a few days. I'm a SAHM, but that means I have 2 little ones to care for. So, if the person you'd ask has little ones, just take into consideration that her kids may become sick, etc., so you'd need another back up. I don't know if I'd ask your parents again. Sounds stressful! But I know you need help! Sorry, I probably didnt give much advice! :/
my vote is to have your parents come after the birth, let them stay just a few days, & then send them on their way. During the birth, rely on a close friend or IL for those 1st 24 hours & that's it.
With my daycare, I have been that "friend" for many of my families. Whether it's the middle of the night, a wkend, or a holiday....the moms know they can call me. In all instances, the moms have been pretty self-sufficient & did not require assistance beyond that 1st day.
I've seen a little bit of everything: I've kept the older child forever....& I've had the older child for just an hour or two (until Gma could do a pickup). The most interesting case was when Mom delivered early on a Tues a.m., came home from the hospital 24 hours later, & then brought the toddler to me & delivered the other kids to school! OMG....I wanted to slap her silly! She should have been at home resting with the baby! Dad was at home with the newborn.... (insert eye roll here, please!)
A little bit of everything makes the world go round!
My vote is to have your parents come after the baby is born. It seems they add to stress rather than alleviating it, even if it's unintentional.
Your story is actually very similar to mine, except the "helpful" parents were my in-laws. My husband and I were on the fence about having them over before baby #2 was born, but we did so anyway. Huge mistake. (I no longer speak to the in-laws!)
Regarding your 2nd question, I'd be happy to help out a friend who was having a baby and would take 2 kids for the night. I understand your hesitation to ask (I've felt the same way), but for a momentous occasion like this I'm guessing people will be happy to help.
Congratulations on the new baby, best of luck!
I would try to have a pool of people (friends, hired babysitters, etc.) that you can call upon to help out, and then that way it's not that much work for any one person. Even if you have to pay someone to watch the older kids or take them out somewhere, it will probably be less money (and less aggravation) then paying for your parents to fly out and stay in a hotel and then have to practically beg them to actually help you out. If your mom gets bent out of shape, remind her of all that went down last time and how it really was not very helpful to you - then if they really want to help, they need to be willing to step it up more and do more of what you need and specifically ask them to do (as in pick up some groceries at the store and cook some dinner or take child to the park after the coffee shop, not just the coffee shop). If they are not up for that, then they can come out after baby is born for a few days and if necessary, pay for their own hotel and travel expenses.
A friend of mine had an au pair living with them for a few years after she had twins. Sometimes she let friends "borrow" her au pair for a few hours or a few days to watch and help with their kids and pay the girl extra for her time.
Dont call M. and dad till after the baby is born. Invite them to drive up the next weekend and visit for a couple days to meet the new grandchild. Dont expect any help from them, and be prepared to cater to them as if they are on vacation. Thats what they sound like they expect.
I had toyed with the idea of becoming a midwife years ago, and never did anything about it. I see now after 27 yrs of daycare what I should have done was team up with midwives and be the "older sibling distractor" instead! I would have been there to help during the birth just for the older kids. My job would have been to play with, take care, of, feed, and get out of the house or to school when needed. I have had a few neighbors have babies and was more than willing to stay with the kids when M. and dad went off to the hospital. My neighbor had a baby last year and was hoping for a home birth and I was more than willing to get that call anytime, day or night, and would be there when they wanted. She ended up having him late afternoon at a hospital and I was at her house with her other 3 kids and prepared to spend the night but dad came home instead. I took 1 child to school and picked up 2 that day. We had planned for me to bring all 3 kids to the hospital to meet thier baby brother but dad took them and she came home early enough to skip that. No problem. Id do it for you too and I bet you can find a friend who will. We stick together in times of need and whats more fun than to be the biggest help for precious children when they are getting their sibling? I wish Id thought of it years ago and made it a side job to help when moms need. I could have made business cards that read :
"HAVE MIDWIFE
WILL TRAVEL"
definitely ask a friend about taking the older kids. I don't think it matters that it is a homebirth because if you were going into the hospital you would need a friend to take the kids anyway. almost everyone asks another person to watch their kids when they are in labor, so don't feel like you are putting anyone out. Just make sure if you know you are in labor and it is getting late, have your kids go to the friends earlier rather than later just to make it easier on everyone.
Regarding your parents,sounds like you should expect them to be visitors not helpers and it will go better.
They are not helping. Ask them to come out when the newborn is about 2 weeks to a month old.
I would ask the same friends who brought in food last time to take the two older kids out daily, taking turns. You should have a least one friend who can and will drop everything once your labor starts and come pick up the kids and keep them overnight or few days. I would rather have my kids with a friend and know they are being taken care of than have people bring in food.
Love Dawn B's suggestion!!
If you were able to pay for them to fly out and even willing to pay for a hotel room for them, perhaps you could instead pay for a postpartum doula who would come and help you after the baby is born. You could possibly negotiate with her to come during the labor, but I am not sure if that is a possibility. Otherwise, I do have friends who I have been "on-call" for during their labors and have been glad to do it! I have had friends do the same for me with my fifth, meaning they took my FOUR children :) It was a back up plan, but ended up happening, and they were very gracious and happy about it. It sounds like you could even offer to pay for activites that they might take your kiddos to engage in. I think there are many better options than the stress of your parents as you described :) Good Luck!!
My Mom is similar to what you described. They seem to forget the purpose of helping, alwaaaays around and it becomes about them! I had to laugh when you said they were asking what was for dinner, LOL... again sounds like my mom.
If I were you, I would not plan to have them come out at a specific time, but rather AFTER the birth since your husband will be around. I would not hesitate to ask a best friend to take my kids during the birth. You should go with your gut, sounds like you have a plan :) Congrats and good luck to you. xo
Based on your prior experience I would not expect help from your parents.
In answer to your question, if I were your friend I would take your two children for as long and as often as you wanted me too. A friend could be much more help than your parents.
Sounds like, even if you were to be very direct with them about what you wanted they would do as they pleased anyway. I suggest that you tell them you'd appreciate a visit from them post birth by a couple of weeks or so instead of the time of birth.
My daughter had a home birth and I was pleased that the midwives made sure that everything was done as my daughter wanted it done. Even tho I'm her mother, I followed their lead. Did your midwife direct the "action" or did your mother just do what she wanted? Will you have the same team? IF so, they might be able to help you with this decision.
My daughter's friends were helpful. One did manage the children without even being asked to do so. They were old enough, 7 and 9, to be present which helped. My daughter did nothing but labor.
IF you want your mother there, would she come by herself and would she follow your directions? If you think that you could be more assertive and tell her specifically what to do and mom would do it then do have her come. But it sounds like she didn't listen last time. Could it be because you were "too nice" and offered suggestions/requests instead of saying this is how it will be? This is your birth and you should have it go the way you want it to go. Based only on your description here, I would ask them not to come or I would suggest that they could come once you started into labor and they stayed in a motel. A 7 hour drive would get them near to the birth and you'd have your Mom's support knowing she was coming but on your terms.
I suggest that you ask friends to help with the children. I suspect they would be honored to do so.
Have hubby take the paternity leave for three weeks, take vacation/personal time if need be, if he can. That way he can take the kids out as needed for those first few weeks, instead of you having to relay on grandparents or others. I've been on the call list as backup for a friend who was due to go into labor, I wouldn't have minded. Ask around. Do you belong to a church or some other groups? Ask playdate moms, moms of classmates your kids are friends with, ect.
With your parents.. Talk to them. Tell them that you simply want them there after the baby is born. If they protest remind them that that you expected certain things and that you felt that they didn't come through. They can come and visit for a couple days at first, but that's it. Honestly, even with as much work as having two little kids and a baby is, sometimes its not worth having other adults around who aren't helping you out.
Secondly, plan activities and outtings for your older two with specific people. Grandparents outing to the park one day and then to chuck e cheese/mcdonalds another day. Out with playdate buddies four days after baby is born, Over to the neighbors for a few hours on day 6. Have a specific plan in mind with some leeway in case plans need to be changed.
best of luck! and grats on your newest one.
How about a temporary nanny?
I'm certain that there is a lady out there, or even a fellow mommy, who would be pleased to take the money you would have used for your parent's hotel and food to care for your little ones! Ask your doula, she/he might even know someone!
In this day and age Most people do not have relatives who live close enough to be there when labor starts, they must rely on friends. Everyone in my immediate family had over due babies, we never thought about having my mom come before delivery. So line up more than one friend to help, do not let your parents come, tell them you will enjoy their visit more later when you have your strength back.
I'd ask the midwife about helping you find a doula who can work with you during and after the birth.
I would do it for a friend any time just ask and return the favor in the future then husband wiil be home a week then have parent start driving when husband is due back to work and they can be around to help out I think It would help for them to be there a few days (can they do wash or take kids to school or park or mall for a few hr that would help) if not you will manage I did you dont need them you will get a schedule going good luck
If I were you, I would skip on having the parents out, ask a friend to be on notice to take the kids for a couple days and put hubby on active daddy duty. You are an experienced mom already and frankly, you and hubby could do this on your own. My mom came and stayed with us for our first born and we had the same experience. She was supposed to "help" but ended up telling us we had to do everything so we could "learn" to be a family. So sometimes its just not worth it. Congrats and good luck!
It sounds like they want to come to visit. That's different than helping. If they are looking to be served meals and simply sit in the room with your son rather than actually do the kids' daily routines with them, then you need other help. I found that when my husband took two weeks off after the (home)birth of our second child, that was very helpful. If you can afford it or someone wants to give you a generous gift, postpartum doula services can be a very helpful luxury. Also, see if you could get a high school student to help out later in the day for a couple of hours. That may be a cheaper option, and they should do what you want them to - take the kids out to play in the yard, empty the dishwasher, run the vacuum, tidy up the toys with the kids, etc.
I'd suggest having your parents visit for a short time after the chaotic newborn days. Even if you have to pay for it, have them stay at a hotel and come over during the day so they are not there at all hours. Good luck!
