Should I Keep My Mouth Shut About My Mother in Law?

You didn't say what husband's reaction is. I am waiting for more, but so far she sounds like she is definitely taking advantage. The fifteen year old doesn't need a babysitter anymore. Does she make dinners? Is there anything she does that makes it appear that she helps at all? My thoughts are that she should hit the road or carry her weight. She sounds like a teenager instead of a mother in law. I think I'd like her to move out. She sounds very thoughtless.

you need to find some sort of middle ground. letting her live there without contributing, trash your house and especially to undermine your parenting is completely unacceptable. but just kicking her out is pretty extreme.
you and your husband need to decide what boundaries you need to have this work, and then discuss them with your MIL. you don't know if she would be willing to abide by them because it sounds as if you have been sparing her feelings for far too long now. you can assert yourself without being mean.
do it.
khairete
S.

If your husband won't do it, I think you're going to have to talk to her.
Make a list of the household bills. The rent, the power, the water, the groceries, cell phone bills INCLUDING hers, cable, toilet paper, laundry soap, shampoo. Add up what you are paying out every month. Now, she's not there all the time, which is true, but she is there and for heaven's sake....she should be paying her own cell phone bill.
She needed help at one time, but it doesn't sound like that's the case anymore and she certainly can't turn it around to sound as though she's helping you. Cleaning a 15 year old's room isn't helping. He should be doing that for himself.
As for sleeping on the couch, if I were you, I'd be asleep on it one night when she comes home. Or several nights. She can go to her own room or turn right back around and go to her daughter's house.

It's a long story, but I knew a lady who was a live-in care giver for an elderly woman who lived across the street. She'd been there a long time. Well, the woman, being elderly, began thinking that everyone, even her own kids, were trying to poison her and she would throw fits and start throwing all the groceries away. Even canned goods. It was a mess. Anyway, the caregiver found herself without a job and without anywhere to stay. We had been friendly and she asked if she could stay with me and my kids until she found somewhere else to go. A week or two, tops. Well, she didn't leave and she wasn't really trying to find another job or place to live. She used our water, shampoo, toilet paper....I was a single mom. I couldn't afford to support her. I went out one night and without even thinking took my car keys in my purse. When I got back, she was LIVID and jumped all over me because she wanted to go somewhere and couldn't find my keys.
That was the end of that.
I called my landlords and basically told on myself for having someone staying there that wasn't on the rental agreement. They were friends and would have been cool with it, but I told them I needed help.
They sent a letter saying that it had come to their attention that I had someone not authorized living in my home and under the rules of the agreement, the person had to vacate or I had to be out in 30 days. I showed her the letter and told her there was NO WAY my kids and I were losing our house over trying to help her and she had to go. She was gone within 3 days.
I don't feel bad about it. Me telling her that I couldn't support her went in one ear and out the other. She had her own room with TV and watched soap operas all day. She didn't even help me clean.
Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.
Your situation is different because you don't want badness between you and your MIL, but it's on the horizon anyway with her there.
You need to find a compromise where she contributes financially and otherwise by cleaning up after herself or she finds a place of her own where she can come and go as she pleases, have all the stuff she wants around.
She might be able to find a nice studio apartment somewhere cheaper than what it would cost her to pay a fair portion of the bills of your household.
She'll never think of it that way on her own.
Stress that you DO love her very much. Heaven knows you want to try to keep it that way.

I hope you get some great responses. This is a tough one.

You are all family. I would suggest a family meeting. I tore my acl (COMPLETELY) and shredded 2 miniscis ligaments. I had surgery, got blood clots from it, went through the ringer with that. Went through therapy and am working now on strengthening my "new" acl (donated) and losing weight. She doesn't "need" help still.
You need to discuss and set boundaries. Does she still have her own house? As we would do with our boys, and my parents did with us: once a member of the family becomes 16, they get a part time job and pay for insurance and gas, if not car payments and entertainment also. Once a member of family is out of highschool, they get to pay rent and a portion of bills is included in the set rent. It's cheaper than living in your own apartment, but you have the "house rules" to follow (everyone in the family included in these rules so you're not picking on one person). If someone doesn't like the house rules, they are free to leave the house and pay more for an apartment elsewhere. I'm sure your mil is over 18 now....that's what I'd suggest. She can't be a hoarder and trash the place, just as you will keep your rooms clean and the children will keep their rooms clean. She is grandma, and grandma is a beloved title of honor. But she is not a parent and needs to understand and respect that you need to know about your teen son's discipline issues at school, etc. You don't want people sleeping in the general rooms, on furniture for all. That's why you bought a bigger home with space for her. That's how I would handle it at least.
My mil, I WANT to live with us. But she would not be a drain on us financially or anything like that (she doesn't spend money or use stuff...ever, lol). My issue with her is that she has the beginning of alzheimers and I want her safe and settled, not alone another country. She wouldn't really have "rules" but that's because she is just like us anyway (eat at the table, don't leave junk everywhere, sleep in bed or in her case, her own chair...etc). If someone isn't showing common sense though, and is taking advantage of a situation, then rules / options can be set. Not in a confrontational manner, but just as family talking to family. You could even blame it on your son, saying he's 15 and getting older now, and we need to have certain rules in place because it's a lifestyle you want.

Im on your side. Its so sad that a grown woman is taking advantage of a young family. I think its time for her to grow up and be on her own now. Sorry you are going through this. I hope you guys can work it out. Sounds very stressful to you.

I don't know how you stand it! I would be sooo frustrated my husband would get his butt in gear to resolve it just to have a nicer wife!! OMG!
Talk to your husband when he is in a good mood and tell him how unhappy you are with this situation. Tell him how mucih you love his mom. Decide in your head before your conversation what you can live with. Do you want her out in __ months. Are you okay with her living with you if she helps out financially? How much do you feel is reasonable? What else do you expect if she stays? By all means, no matter what, she needs to pay for her cell phone. Have a plan in mind or on paper. Ultimately, HE should lead when you have the conversation with her.

she would have to go or start contributing! why in the world are you paying her phone bill? I would sit her and my husband down and get them in order YESTERDAY! i can't really say much more because i would get booted from the site! all i can say is handle your business! good luck.

Simple...you sit her down and say basically that she moved in because she needed help because of her knee. Her knee is better, she's working, you guys have taken a cut in pay and are struggling to pay for everything, you're still a "young" married couple and want time to yourselves. She can move in with her daughter since she's over there most of the time anyway. I would just be honest and don't let her push you over...stand firm. You are not going to ask her IF she wants to move, you are going to TELL her. And give her a move out by date so everyone knows how long she has. Good luck!!!

You were kind to let her recuperate with you. She's a healthy, grown adult and what you've laid out here is a free-loader who has been disrespecting your parenting and your home. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but she's taking advantage of you, family or not. And you've basically let her. Please don't think I'm being rude, I'm really not. It's hard to establish boundaries w/ family -- because they ARE our family. But each family member contributes. She is not contributing to the family dynamics, and definitely not to the family finances. I would want her to move out, as well. But maybe first you want to give her the opportunity to be a contributing member and for that you're going to have to come up with a family plan of what her financial contribution will be, her dedicated chores around the house ... and by all means, the going behind your back w/ your son MUST stop immediately. That would be a deal-breaker for me. Good luck, you are in a really difficult situation. Handle it with grace, tact and love and hopefully you will come to a solution together.

Edit: sorry, I just read about the hoarding situation. YIKES. No, she really must go. But it's all in how you frame it to her, you know?

Tell her if she is going to continue to live with you, she needs to abide by your rules, get a real "big girl" bed (sorry-sarcasm never quite eludes me) and contribute to the household expenses.

This woman appears to be fairly self-sufficient to me. By that I mean that she no longer needs your help. The accident was over three years ago and she seems to be getting along just fine- she can drive and shop on her own, so why is she still living with you?

I'm glad that you get along well with your MIL, and I think you have been wonderfully patient with her, but it's time for her to go and it's time for you and your husband to be a married couple (it looks like you never really had that time together).

Time for a talk. Give her choices: she can remain, but needs to help out financially. Proportion the finances so that she can help, but still have money to call her own, but there is no reason for her to go shopping and you are paying her phone bill. She can pay that herself.

Or, she can go, and you will help her find a place to stay and help her establish a budget. Have a standing date once a week for her to come over for dinner if that will help soften the blow of asking her to leave.

Quite honestly, she sounds like a very selfish woman. My concern is that you will come to resent her in time if something isn't done. Good luck- you are in a tough position, and I hope it all works out well for you. Please keep us posted!

Yikes!!! You're a saint. Normally my advice is to be tolerant of MILs - I see so many posts here of young mom's who are just psycho about their MIL. But in this situation you have been more than patient.

1 - No way should she be sleeping on your couches for 3 1/2 years. WHAT? That's just crazy. How about a talk like this: Mom, thank God you've gotten healthy after that nasty fall and since the kids are all getting bigger this houses just seems to be getting smaller. By now you've probably been able to set up a little nest egg which should be more than enough as a deposit on a nice apartment. When do you want to go looking? If you meet tears, resistence, etc then try this approach - Mom it's been more than 3 years - we need to formalize this situation. If you want to stay here we need to set you up in a bedroom of your own where all your stuff belongs. If you'd rather sleep on a couch you must buy one for your bedroom. (I think some people prefer the feeling of the couch - I don't understand it - but whatever...) And as you know "John" is no longer working as many hours as before and we are on a budget so we think that $500 (I think that's a minimum for someone who works full time - but I'd really suggest $750) a month is reasonable as your share of the costs. With any luck she'll think it's outrageous and will move out. At the very least, you'll get her out of your living room and into a back room.

2 - What's the story with her daughter and MIL going to her house every day? Can she be enjoying having her mom there EVERY stinking day until bed-time? Maybe the two of you can join forces - not to gang up on her - but to be speaking the same truths to her from different places. She needs to get some other interests - find some senior programs, church activities, etc.

3 - From the things you're saying here it sounds like she has some kind of mental illness - even though she's at a high-functioning level. She should see a counsleor - but people like her usually won't even consider counseling - but you should definitely go with your husband to figure out how best to deal with her. We have a family member with a mental illness - she's very high-functioning - but we still go for counseling once in a while to get a reality check, ideas, answers for questions, etc. It's good for our marriage and our family overall.

4 - You also need to tell her that in no uncertain terms is she to undermine your parenting. Tell her that you're the one who will have to stand before God one day and answer for how you raised your kids - and if she's intervening she'll have to do so as well. Obviously, she does this to manipulate her grandson for his favoritism and so he'll be her ally. She's very insecure - and probably has a hard time making & keeping friends. Talk with your stepson as well and make sure he understands that although what she's doing might make his life easier in the short term it can affect him in the long run. Have your husband call the school and ask that all contact regarding detentions, etc. be done to his personal cell phone or that they talk to you in person. Cut out the middle man.

You have your hands full mama. I hope your husband realizes what a good woman he has in you. Patience is not something *you* need to learn - seems that you live it every day!!!

Yes... I can see why you would want to make your husband decide you or Mom... but why not offer an alternative?

EX: MIL must pay a set amount each month to contribute to the family's expenses which she helps incur, she must pay for her own cell phone, she must cook dinner twice a week and do household chores twice a week.

If your husband and MIL do not agree to said terms, you let them know you will be looking for another place to live - without them both. That way it is YOU making the choice to leave and not your husband having to choose.

wow 3 1/2 years? That's too much for a healthy older woman. It really ought to be your husbands job to tell her to leave. Why should you look like the bad one?Why doesn't her daughter take her in? This sounds like some sort of planning on both sides. Sorry, but it's too similar with my MIL's situation. My MIL took care of her MIL for 12 years before her death. Her three daughters wouldn't hear of taking her in. Just a quesion, but do you have a finished basement where she could live until her final move out?

Your MIL behaves this way in your home because your husband allows her to. But the tricky part here is that it's also her home because you both made it so.

I think that you need to lay it on the line first for your husband. Let him know just how strongly you feel about this. Suggest to him that you both present to his mother a choice: Either A.) she can start paying fair market value rent AND help with chores AND pay for her own cell phone AND whatever else you calculate is her fair share including chores you have to do for her or B.) she can move out into her own place within a certain time frame. If she decides to stay, write up a contract ASAP and have her sign it. Make copies and lock it up in a fire proof safe.

I have a feeling that if she sees that you're serious about having to pay rent with a contract that she has to sign and the first month comes around and she has to pay or move out, she'll choose to move out.

my best advice.. is to give this woman a DEADLINE of six months, no exceptions, i once knew an older woman who coddled and covered for
her grandson, because she decided that he was being "picked on", he is now wanted in TEN states.no, i am not making it up, he is living courtesy of fredricksburg lock up as we speak. circle the date you have decided she will be out of your house, so she cant "forget", stop paying her bills, all of them, she wants dinner, tell her mickey ds is just down the street. she gets huffy, tell her,how about next week instead ?? if you dont strong arm her out of your house, you will end up with a freeloading mil and a seriously disturbed teen age boy, who will bully anyone who doesnt give "grandma" her way.
K. h.

You need your own space and you need to make your husband understand this and put your foot down. let him know it is affecting your relationship. It is not a healthy situation. She needs to move out on her own and if need be put her in an assited care facility. They are so great these days where she can have her own space and they have transportation if she wants to go anywhere. You need to be able to parent your kids and live your lives without her interference. She can have a relationship with her grandchildren without having to live in your house.. that's how most people do it.

No your not wrong in your feelings. You do however have to take the lead, since your husband won't. You have to have a talk with her, tell her that she must contribute financially. You may love her very much but sometimes that will give a person a reason to use you. Good luck

Wow. You have a lot going on. I don't understand why you're paying for anything of hers if she works full time--she should be paying you. And why would she WANT to sleep on couches? That is weird to me. Doesn't her back hurt? She's got to go. She's messy and she seems like she causes a lot of stress. I'm stressed from her! Time to sit down with The Hubs and have a long talk. I'm sure he feels the same way as you do. Time for her to go and he needs to be the one to tell her. Maybe she can go live with her daughter? She's there enough anyway...

Well, the first thing I'd do is stop paying her cell phone bill. That really is her responsibility. She has her own job so she can certainly afford it. If she chooses not to pay herself, she doesn't want it that bad. I'm big about helping family but they have to help in return. If she actually has her own room, you need to find a way to keep her off the couch. Have you asked her why she prefers the couch to the bed? Also, for the other bills, she should help with those even if it's just 1/4 (such as utilities & rent). It's only fair. She's an adult and she can handle it. As for the hoarding issue, that's a real tough one though. My mother's an extreme hoarder and she won't listen. If you could confine her stuff to only her room (throw out the obvious garbage but just put everything else in her space), that may help for a bit until she can find her own place.

Now that you have taken a hit in your finances, it's her turn to step up and help you guys. If she refuses to do so, she needs to move out. I really hope it doesn't come to the point that it forces you to choose between them. Your husband really needs to start thinking for himself and what's best for his family, not his mother. She's an adult and can take care of herself. Good luck and big hugs.

I completely agree with Suz T.
As an aside, it may be that she spends all her "awake" time at her daughter's because that way she doesn't feel like (or have to acknowledge?) that she is any sort of burden on your household, and therefore she doesn't feel any obligation to contribute to it. I'd be surprised if she weren't helping her daughter financially and preparing meals over there for her and her daughter. Seriously.

You and hubby need to talk and figure out some options that he (or you and he together) can sit down and discuss with MIL. It doesn't sound like you can really ask her to move out, since you said you really cannot afford the house you are in due to pay cuts. So she needs to start contributing financially.
My first item would be for hubby to let her know that you can no longer afford to furnish her with a cell phone. So if she wants to keep it, she needs to pay for it or it will be going away (I'm assuming that she has a line on your "family plan"?).
Also, she needs to contribute something towards the household utilities: electricity/gas, water, cable/satellite bill, etc. You can figure out an average for all of these and suggest a percentage of that average that she should give you guys monthly. She IS in fact using all these services, right? She bathes. She uses the bathroom. She watches TV. Her clothes are laundered. Right? (So for example: electric bill is $230/m, water bill is $40/m, TV is $50/m, so the total is $320/m. She could pay 15%, so about $50/month toward these household expenses).
You guys can similarly suggest an appropriate amount for her to contribute toward the household "grocery" bill. Her clothes are laundered there right? That uses laundry soap. Surely she uses shampoo and soap and toilet paper in the bathroom, right? Does she eat ANYTHING there? Breakfast? Her morning coffee? She creates trash that uses trash bags, right? I know some of this sounds petty, but it does all add up. And the point is more that her being there DOES have an impact on you and your family. That is what she doesn't see and your husband ignores.

That doesn't even touch on the fact that someone (you) has to go behind her to clean up (it's your house and you don't want it a mess, so SOMEONE has to do it). Suggest she pick one day a week to prepare dinner for the family. And suggest she choose one day/night a week that she runs a few loads of laundry and folds it, to help out.

Implement a household rule that no one sleeps on the sofa. That's the rule at our house (sort of). I do not allow guests who bunk here to sleep on the sofa. Period. My husband (due to weird work schedule) often doesn't sleep well at night. He will wake up and be unable to go back to sleep without the background TV noise, which he can't turn on in the bedroom without waking ME up. So he takes his pillow to the sofa at 3 a.m., on average, 3 nights out of 5. So I don't want anyone on it, in case he needs it.

And you and hubby really need to come to an agreement about the parenting of the 15 year old. Grandma needs to understand that while you know she loves him and are trying to "help" him, what the result is, is that she is ENABLING him to be irresponsible. That she needs to check with you guys before she unilaterally decides to do things "for" him (cleaning his room, taking him to school, buying him anything over $15, or whatever). In a few short years he will be a legal adult, so time is running out to "grow him up". It's time to back off of "helping" so much.
Say all this with love. You DO love her. But she is impacting your household in unintended ways. So your hubby needs to have a family meeting and discuss the reality so that you guys can all work toward an agreeable solution.

I would let your husband know "I'm speaking with your mother today, whether you like it or not" tell her that you are not HER mother and will no longer clean up after her (except to throw away things she hoards :) ) let he know that it is not okay for her to handle any disciplinary actions the school imposes on your son behind your back. You are the parents and she is not. Let her know that times are tough, if she wants to continue to reside in your house she has to start paying rent, it's not personal you have to keep a roof over you and your kids heads and she's directly effecting your ability to do so. You have made great sacrifices to help her out in a difficult time and this charity is starting to cost you. You are OBVIOUSLY the head of this household so take that title, get on your box and let the rest of the family know how it is. Worst case scenario: she gets pissed and moves out. But really.. it's a win-win situation either way. These are the times when I'm so glad I'm stubborn and outspoken, I had a confrontation with my MIL (not too huge) and we came out stronger and happier than ever. Not to mention she loves and respects me a million times more than she ever would have! Good luck mama, you can do it!

Added: And since you said you moved to a bigger house so she could have her own space I would let her know that sleeping on the couch is no longer acceptable. Sleeping on a couch wears it out faster than anything (this was drilled into my head by my ever-wise daddy when I was little), Not to mention how strange it must be to wander into the kitchen at night for a snack only to have to tiptoe by MIL.

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