Should I Let Son Go to Birthday Party

I like Verna's suggestion. Having him go and explain why he can't come makes it so that he has to own up to what he's done. Letting him go to the party will just teach him that even when he's in trouble, he can get out of it for big things.

Call the other boys mom and explain the situation. Send a gift since you already said you'd be there and stand firm on the grounding.

Best of luck,

C.

I would definately make him miss the party. Until he has something that is a memorable punishment he will continue with the bad behavior. Yes, it will be sad he can't go but the other boy will certainly have other friends attending his party.

I would stick to your guns. Also, if you call the other mother, I am sure that she would understand. We are all in this together and understand everyone elses issues!

Honestly, I believe that is how we, as parents, fail our children. I think that we don't stand by our punishments as much as we should. I am very guilty of it myself. I feel bad if my kids are super upset about not being able to do something, so I let them go. Then I feel guilty and realize it will make them better kids if they know that I will follow through with the punishments. We are in the "I want it now" stage with my 2 year old and it feels like an uphill battle, but I have noticed that if I stick to the punishments, she behaves better later in the day.

Good luck!

Hey J.,
I would not let him go if I were you. You need to teach him a lesson.

Gosh - that's a tough one. I'm really interested to see what the other moms say about this one. But, I'll be brave and go first here - ha ha!!

I'm pretty tough about discipline, but I think you should let him go to the party...even if it's just for an hour to make an appearance. I completely agree that kids need to learn that there are consequences for poor behavior. However, in this case, the consequences reach beyond your son, and affect the birthday boy.

If you decide to let him go, I would suggest you explain your reasoning (that you don't want to punish the birthday boy). Let him know that your decision had nothing to do with not wanting him to miss out. I would also add a new consequence (or extend his grounding one day) in exchange for letting him go to the party.

Don't forget to let us know what you decided!!

This is just a thought but make him take the gift over to the friend the day of the party and make him explain to his friend why he can't stay. ALso do not let him get the party favors or cake from them since he is grounded, that is a reward. But you might also want to call the parents of the little boy just so you can give them a heads up and that they can support you on what you are doing. But I would definately not let him go to the party.

If it were my child, I would go to the party, give the gift to his friend, and then make him explain to his friend that he's not allowed to stay because he got in trouble and is grounded, but that he wanted to give him his gift. Kids mainly care about the gifts, so as long as he got that, I don't think he'll be too disappointed. Plus, it would teach your son a lesson, since he'd see first hand what he was missing out on.

Don't let your son go to the party. If you do he will look at it as him getting off. It doesn't matter who came to the party and what the bought. Your son has done something he should've and he does need to be punished. Buy a gift and you go to the party and explain to the parents the situation. If they don't understand then thats their problem.

Send a gift and a card saying that you are sorry your son can't attent but he doesn't deserve a great party right now. Have a great birthday and party. Then keep the son home. The birthday boy will have enough other friends to keep him entertained. You can't let your son go because then he would get a mixed message. When you punish him keep to it!!!

Explain to the parents that even though you rsvp'd you can no longer attend bc your son is grounded and thats that. I would send a gift though. It's not like your son would be the only child at the party. The other kids may ask about him, but chances are it won't matter bc there will be so much going on.

I would say you should go to the birthday party since you already RSVPd that you would. I value honoring commitments and you are showing this to your son.

Honestly, I don't think punishment does much to correct the behavior. Kids who are angry usually have a very limited ability to think about consequences before they act. I like the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" to help with this matter.

Another thing that really helped us is to let the victim decide on the length of time the attacker is punished. I have 2 girls who used to beat on each other quite frequently. I was sick of dealing with it, so I said that whoever gets hurt sends the other to her room until she says her sister can come out. If they hit each other, they both go to their room and have to let each other out. It sounds funny, but they end up working together by saying "If you let me out, I'll let you out." After trying a lot of other things, this is one thing that actually lead to less hitting and hurting.

I agree with the ladies that are advising you to talk ot the little boy about wht he can't come to the party and let the boy still get the present. If you let him go then you are reinforcing the neg behavior and encouraging him hurting his sister. If you let him go then he'll know there are no real consequences.

I'm of 2 frames of mind: 1, you've already RSVP'd that you were coming. The mother is already planning on you guys being there and taken it into account with food prep, games, goody bags, etc.

On the other hand, letting him go will likely send a mixed message that you may not follow through with punishment every time he punches his sister.

I liked the idea someone had about going over there shortly before the party starts, have him drop off the gift and explain that he can't stay because he's grounded, nor can he accept any 'goody bags", and then take off. It would certainly "drive home" the message you're trying to get across - that if you choose the behavior, you choose the consequence. (He's grounded because his behavior was unacceptable towards his sister.) When he chooses to be nice to her, he can do the things he wants to do (like go to the party and have fun with his friends).

Whether or not the other boy is upset is really not the issue - your responsibility is to making sure your son understands it is not okay to hurt his sister through kicking, pushing, hitting, her. He needs to know it is okay for him to be frustrated or mad about something, but it is not okay to take it out on his sister. We let our daughter know that - she'll get upset and not even want to look at us, and will say, "I'm not happy with you." And we say, "That's okay. You don't have to be happy with me." She used to scream and yell, but I've told her, "Mommy doesn't do yelling or screaming. You need to use your words, like you know how."

She's finally realizing she'll get a lot further with us if she tries to stay calm and use her words.

I would say let him go to the Party. You already said he could go. Maybe that's just what he needs, away from his siblings! But explain to him that his grounding still stands... no video games etc. It's not the other little boys fault, the one who's having the party, y punish him from seeing your son :)
Good Luck

I wouldn't let him go...and I'd have him tell the birthday boy why. You have to stay firm and stick to your original plan. My preteen daughter had to miss out on the last dance of the year because of her behaviour and she had to tell her girlfriends why she wasn't going with them and why her sleepover was cancelled for that night. I wouldn't back down, and yes, I did feel bad that she missed the last big hurrah of the year, but she has to learn that there are consequences to her actions.

I'd call the mom and let her know what was going on. If you called me and told me why he wasn't coming I'd say "Right on sister! Soldier on!"

Maybe you can make him earn his way to the party. Tell him that he is grounded, but if he does something special (or not do something - whatever you think fits), then he can go. I have had this issue where I have told my son he couldn't go to a party, but then I didn't want him to miss out. So, I made him clean up ALL his toys before he could go. My son is younger, but it still made the point that if he wanted to go, then he had to earn it.

I hope that helps!

I would not let him attend. If you do he may feel he can get ungrounded with out doing the right things. It's so hard. Send the gift and explain to the mother. I am sure she will understand and make her son understand too.

No, but what you can do is take your son the this boys house the day before the party and have your son hand him the gift, have your son apologize that he can't come to the party, but also have your son explain to the little boy that he's not allowed to attend the party because he is being punished for acting up. Sometimes when they have to explain something they've done wrong, they don't like it and are not apt to do it again. Have you considered counseling to help him with his anger issues?

Have him do the apologizing, after all, it's his own fault that he can't attend. It wouldn't be good to let him go when you have explained that he's not allowed to attend special events, then let him go to the party, this will only confuse him. Consistency is key when disciplining, besides he will give you hack about it the next time he's in trouble and another special event like this comes up. You're going to hear, "I was in trouble before but you let me go to so and so's party".

So don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't do anything wrong, but if you aren't consistant with discipline and consequences to actions, they will be totally confused as to why you give in one time and not another.

Hope this helps. Have a wonderful day:-)

I think that if you give in now you will erase all the work you are trying to acccomplish. if you start to give in now he will learn when he can and cannot guilt you into things. Call the mom of the other little boy and explain that your son has been grounded, and you are sorry that he cannot attend the party. Make arrangements to meet after your sons grounding so that he can give him the gift himself. That way you can stick to your guns and teach the lesson and the other little boy is not made to feel bad.

I would let him go. As others said you are putting out the other child's family by canceling. Plus you made a commitment to go. What if the child's birthday party is very small and your son not being there really upsets the birthday child. That is so unfair and happened to my nephew. He was really upset his friend didn't come especially considering that he came to your party. I would make your son do chores to go and extend the punishment one extra day after the party. Down the road when your son joins sports leagues etc whenever he doesnt want to practice or go to a a game he will just get into trouble thinking yeah they will ground me oh darn I will have to miss it. You made an obligation in my opinion. Hope it all works out for you!

If I were in your shoes.....I'd not just send the gift. I'd make your son give him the gift and tell him WHY he can't attend! Kind of like telling a store owner you stole a piece of candy. TRUST ME! He'll remember this for the REST OF HIS LIFE!

If you let him go.......what about next time? He'll think the behavior doesn't have consequences? DONT give in! AND..STOP FEELING GUILTY! Think long term......This is part of parenting!

Hello J.. I think your son missing his friend's b-day party might be a bennifit to your cause. You must follow through with his punishment or else you shoot yourself in the foot for the future. Just call the other boy's mom and explain that your little on is grounded for continually assualting his sister and cannot attend. Personally, instead of sending the boy a present, I would invite him over to play the following weekend and give him his present then. Your son will have a week of hearing what fun the party was which is a naturall consiquence to his mis-behaivor and the friend will get an extra birthday. Seems like a win-win in my book. However, I understand that your son might re-act unappropriately when first finding out that he doesn't get to go to the party, which when he does that I would just inform him that if he doesn't start behaiving he will be likely to miss something else fun the following weekend. My 12 yo lives for his video games and when he hits his sister, who is 9, he looses the priveldge of his games and tv for 2-3 hours and I generally make him clean the kitchen and stuff during his 'electronic time out'. I am not strong enough to go a whole week like you are, I hope the week grounding curves his mis-behaivor. Also, I would explain to your little one that he does NOT get to go because of his mis-behaivor and that if he wants to go to special events in the future, he needs to behaive himself. If he is hitting his sister b.c he is mad, he might need you to teach him ways to express his anger appropriately.

Let him take the present to his friend early, before the party starts, and let him explain to his friend why he can't come to his party and the reason why.
Teach him some ways to release his anger, rather then kicking his sister, or hiting. Give him a pillow and let him punch the pillow, or go out side and run around the house, or ride his bike to vent the anger.
And what is sister doing to get him so upset. because it does take two to tango, so to speak, and you never mentioned that?.

We had the same problem only with our daughters birthday party. She got in big trouble so my husband called up the people who were supposed to come (most were family - it was a family party planned at a buffet she likes) and told them that it was cancelled. I think if you talk to this child's parents they will understand more than you think. They can explain to the boy that your son was not able to attend. Your son will know you mean business and believe me, he will think twice about doing it again. I know it sounds harsh and it's very difficult to do, but he will respect you more in the long run. It is working for us. Good luck and I'll be praying for you!

I do not think you should let your son go. I think you should explain to him that when he misbehaves he will be punished and the punishment is not abated if a "special" event happens to come up. He needs to learn to think about consequences. When he is good, he gets to do fun things. When he is bad he might miss out a fun events. As for the feelings of the other boy, hopefully he has so many people at his party that your child is not missed. I think I would call the parents of the birthday boy and let them know why you can't attend and maybe when your son is ungrounded you can take the present to the child then. This way the birthday boy still feels special because you made the extra effort to bring him a present, but your son doesn't get to enjoy the party atmosphere.

If you let him go, any threats for missing stuff in the future will not be all that much of a threat. He is old enough to start understanding and feeling the consequences for his actions, both good and bad. That being said...would you feel the other boy would feel punished if your son couldn't go to the party because he had the flu? Of course not. He might be disappointed, but stuff happens. My suggestion is to take your son to the party. Let him give his gift to the birthday boy. Then take him home. He won't like it, but consequences hurt sometimes. Then the next time he makes bad choices, let him know ahead of time what will happen if he doesn't turn it around. Then carry it out. Then it is his choice to miss out or not.

I would explain to the friends parents the situation and just send the gift. Not letting your son go maybe the best punishment you can give him and hopefully the other parents will explain why your son couldnt make it.

Absolutely do not let your son attend. Call the friend's mother and explain the situation and send a gift. She can explain to her son why your son is not there. I think you are being overly sensaative to think that the other child will feel like he is being punished too. He will have so many friends around that while he might miss your son being there, he will still have a good time.

C.

Hi J.,

Discipline is often harder on us than for our kids, doubt they'd believe that!

Yes, still send a gift and to avoid repetition the other advice sounds GREAT that your son should offer an apology. He'll then see how his actions have a ripple effect outside his home.

I remember yrs back before my friend's son's bday party at a restaurant: she was already stressed at trying to help him get over an infection but he'd refuse the meds (spit or throw them up) therefore necessatating trip to ER for injection ($$) she warned him she'd cancel his party if he wouldn't comply. Well, she did have to cancel, knowing she wouldn't get her deposit back, plus all the wasted postage for invites, and the tremendous guilt at not having this fun party afterall. But she got to remind him that his actions diappointed his parents, doctor, and all the friends. I admired my friend so much, I know other moms would have erased the line and still went through w/ the party.

Now he's 10, and I can see quite a difference in his maturity and respect for others, compared to his peers. He will thank his mom someday, I already have for the example she set for me!

Peace,
K. Ohio

I would let him go to the party but I would extend his grounding and extra day. It is not fair to the other child especially since you have already said you were coming.

I would agree with those who say to not let your son go to the party. If you have grounded him from all special activities then this is one of those. It might help your son see that you are sticking to your guns and will not put up with bad behavior. Call and explain to the parents why your son is not attending and send a gift. Good Luck.

J.,

Let him go. You don' want to punish the other boy. It can be devastating when people don't come to your party. Just explain to your son that you're letting him go for his friend's sake and that you absolutely expect good behavior (explicitly define that for him--again).

J.,
I think that you should let the little boys mother know what is going on and not allow your son to attend. He needs to learn. And if you let him go this time what will happen the next time. Maybe this will teach him a lesson and know that the consequences are serious due to his actions.

That's a toughy! In my personal opinion, take it with a grain of salt.........I wouldn't let him go. Especially if it's a daily issue! Had he gotten into trouble once and that was the end of it, then I could see letting him go. But you you seem to have an ongoing problem with his behavior right now and I agree, letting him go will not help your situation at all! I would call the parents back and explain your situation and I guarantee they will understand. Have them explain it to their son, just that he's in trouble and can't come. It would be nice to send a gift still. I truly wouldn't let him go since he continuously misbehaves. Good luck to you!! Hopefully it's just a stage, as are most things kids go through.

Boy, this is a tough one. I know most ladies have said to let him go to the party. Here is what I would do: I would not let him go to the party. Instead, I would call the other mom and explain the situation. I think it's better to be consequent with your own son in this matter. Then I would ask the other mom if you could have her son over for a little private birthday party. You could make a few cup cakes and your son can give the gift to his friend then. And they would have time to play together. I would not say a word to your son about it. When his grounding is over, you can tell him of your plans and he'll (and the other boy) will have something to look forward to. I believe that the other mom would completely understand.

I wouldn't let my kid go, but I would send the gift. I would also consider inviting the other boy over for a sleepover or hanging out (AFTER punishment) and let them both know why my son wasn't able to attend the party.

The point of discipline is to teach our own children about right and wrong, so I wouldn't worry so much about punishing the other kid. He's going to have his other friends there, and I'm sure they'll have a great time. He may be sad that your son can't attend, which is why I suggested inviting him over and explaining what happened to both of them.

I just think that if you let your son go, you would be sending the wrong message. Good luck! This was really a good question! The fact that you're so concerned about this shows that you are truly a mom who thinks about doing what's best not only for her children but for all parties involved. In this case, though, I think you worry about how your actions will effect your son first.

You are not punishing the other child by going over to the house with your son in hand, giving the gift to the other child and explaining to him and his parents why your child is not allowed to attend the party. The Birthday boy has other children attending the party, it isn't as if he will be alone. What if your child had become ill, you wouldn't send him then, would you?
The embarassment to your son will also help him understand the idea of consequences for actions.
Been in that position in the past, a punishment for bad behavior is just that, a punishment. If you back down once you are setting a tend. Hold to your guns, make him a believer.

I do not think you should allow him to go. I have a friend who had this situation with her son and she let him go. Now they are in a pattern of him not taking his punishments seriously. Your son has got to know that you mean business. What you say goes and if he doesn't listen than he will be punished. I think if you let him go than he will continue to hurt his sister because even though he may get in some trouble it won't be as bad as you say. Plus...speaking from experience...there will ALWAYS be something going on that your child will have to miss out on. It could be a party, the fair, a night at Grandma's, or even a nice day out. In my opinion that is kind of the point...if I can't trust you to behave (at home) than I can't trust you to behave somewhere else. I would still buy a gift for the other child. I would have your son take it over the day of the party (before it starts) and apologize to his friend that he can't come but he is grounded. I also want to give you some encouragement. You are a good mom it sounds like. You care about your childrens behaviour and how it affects others. If you stay consitent with your kids they will grow up to be the same way! Good luck and God bless.

Maybe send the gift along with a note explaining why your son can't attend? No details, obviously, just that he's grounded and though he hates to miss out...etc.? I can totally sympathize with you on this problem - my 4 yo has got some anger issues that we're dealing with that manifest in some hitting and throwing. We're trying diet changes as well as behavior mod, so good luck finding a solution - it's tough, but hang in there!

I know how you feel. We went through the same thing with our oldest. He is now 26, sister is 24, brother 17. We grounded him all the time for hitting his sister and his little brother, but it never did much good. When I think back now, I wish I had punished them both every time it happened b/c I know she was saying things to provoke him. It takes two to fight. Eventually they outgrew it.
As for the party, you can tell him that you don't want to punish his friend so you are letting him go, but he will have to do something to make up for it. That something could be stay in his room the next day, or do an extra big chore like clean the bathroom, mop floors, etc.

Part of me would say keep him home but that is so hard to do, we have 4 and we deal with this all the time, one kid will act out and deserve to be punished only to have it interfere with an event we had already planned to do as a family, so how do you punish them without punishing yourselves and everyone else at the same time?! generally we give in, the kids are geenuinlely good kids and everyone makes bad choices even us parents, we can't punish them forever for things, all to soon they forget what they are even in trouble for, and no matter what you take away they generally find otehr things to do to ocupy themselves much easier than you would have thought therefor not even thinking about what they did or that they are in trouble. and while is till find myself doing just what you've done, taking away the favorite things for a week or so, i have found that if i send them to their room and then THINK of a punishment that is of shorter duration, (and possilby more severe or at least to them) we generally don't have to go back and change it to accomadte plans and such. next time send him to his room to sit on his bed and call DH and talk about what should be done, get creative, my oldest, almost 9 hits his brother, so we've come up with a standing rule if he hits he becomes his slave for a day, he does all his chores, plays whatever he wants to play, ect and so on. it works, he hates it, his brother loves it, and it's short lived and we can still go do wahtever we ahd planned. this time around you might just have to feel guilty or chalk it up to a learning experience for both of you and just let him go. good luck

We had this exact same situation last summer. My girls were grounded for lying when the birthday party invite came. I made them earn the party back by behaving well for 3 days before the party. They did wonderfully. They went to the party. The very next weekend they were lying again and stole gum from a store. I would definetly not allow him to go. Stick to your guns. Learn from my mistakes. I like the idea of having him take the gift and explain to the other boy why he can't stay, but be prepared for the tears and scene that may ensue. You will be the meanest mommy in the world that day, but he will learn the lesson. That is probably something he will remember forever. Someday he will tell his children, "do you know what your grandma did to me once, but boy did I learn my lesson!"

My suggestion is that you buy a gift, tell your son he can't go and he will have to explain to his friend on why he couldn't attend. Let him sit and think about what he did and him missing this party may be the best punishment. On your own explain to the parents why he couldn't attend but make your son explain it to his friend when he gives the gift to his friend. May be a bigger lesson than you expect.

You've already rsvp'd and not sending him will send your son 2 messages, in my opinion. 1) that you don't keep your word because you already told him he could go and 2) he doesn't need to keep his word to his friends. I know that he might need to be punished, but you've already restricted him. Not the most popular advice, I'm sure. Check out this book "Unconditional Parenting".

My thoughts are to go back to what you said about the grounding...when you said special activities, what were you referring to? If you meant no trips out for ice cream, etc., that's something different. Also, he was already apparent;y told he could go to the party so I wouldn't take that away as an "extra" with the punishment. It sounds like being grounded was mostly no TV, no video games...stuff like that. I wouldn't "add on" that he can't go to the party. Being parents sure can be tough sometimes, huh?!