Should I Punish My 15 Yo Daughter for Having Sex with Her Boyfriend of 5 Mos?

Welcome to mamapedia, M. -

Just how do you intend on "punishing" her? She had sex. I pray it was PROTECTED sex.
The more you push - the more she's going to do it.

Your daughter needs to learn consequences for her actions. Hopefully he doesn't have any STDs. She needs a thorough OB/GYN exam. I'd find some friends who JUST had a baby and have her watch that baby for 12 hours - taking care of it for TWELVE hours - crying, peeing, pooping, etc. and she needs to learn that THIS is what can happen with unprotected sex.

Then walk them BOTH down the diaper and formula isle at the grocery store and ask them if they can afford the diapers and formula (if she chooses NOT to breast feed) and then take them to the store for clothes - and ask them if they can afford the clothing for the child. Then show them medical costs and ask them if they can afford that. Let them know that their behavior is ADULT behavior that has consequences. These are the consequences....and they come at a COST. IF she gets pregnant - does she expect YOU to take care of the baby? If not? Can they afford child care costs for an INFANT???

You need to talk with HIS parents too - and let them know what is going on. What is THEIR take on this!!

You can't close the barn door once it's opened. However, you CAN teach her to be responsible. Get her condoms and on birth control. NOW. Tell her that this is NOT behavior that you condone but since she feels she is INVINCIBLE and sooo in love that he will ALWAYS stand by her - that yeah - she needs to be prepared.

What is the age of consent in North Carolina - IF you are in NC is 16 - you technically you could mess up this boys life - IF HE IS 16 - and file charges against him. Does HE realize this?? Does your daughter realize this?? Yeah - if you do this - it could make her fall EVEN MORE in love with him. you need to get to know this boy - he's NOT A MAN - and guess what? the more you gush on him? The more you might turn your daughter off on him as right now? She's REBELLING - she is pushing your buttons - she has broken your rules and has NO CONSEQUENCES for her actions.

Good luck. You might be a grandma soon!

apparently you didn't explain 'all the consequences' if now you're looking for advice on what punishment to give her.

is your goal to punish her or educate her?

khairete
S.

I'm not sure how you punish a child for having sex. Hopefully, she's not pregnant nor and STDs, although an STD would be a great punishment! (not) just a great learning lesson.

You need to talk with her and find out WHY she felt the need to have sex with him. Does she feel like if she didn't, she was going to lose him? WHAT is the reason for sex at 15?

What do HIS parents think of all of this? Are they prepared to become grandparents next year?

My now college sophomore had a lot of issues when we moved from California to Georgia. We really had to buckle down as parents and ensure the rules and consequences for breaking the rules was the same for all 4 boys. We also had to get to the root issue that was causing him to hang with the wrong crowd. It could have turned out so much worse. Luckily, the police intervened at the right time and while I would not say he was "scared straight", he was scared straight. My husband and I had a lot to do and a lot of parenting to do. All of this led to family counseling and one-on-one counseling. You really need to KNOW your child.

I like the idea of having them care for an infant and walking through the costs of babies. Maybe that will help them understand they are not invincible.

I saw helpful advice. Perhaps you will only accept advise based on punishment. I know from personal and professional education and experience that punishing instead of teaching rarely causes a teen to improve their behaviour. Often punishment results in anger which plays out as rebellion or secrecy. Punishment interferes
with Communication. She is likely to refuse any advice you give resulting in her continuing and/or increasing the behaviour you expect from her. Teens should be learning how to be independent. When they don't have information about why they should refrain from or to do, they're on their own to figure it out. I suggest that teaching is much more likely to change the way she acts more likely.

As ti treating you as a dummy, how is asking questions to help give you an answer that applies to your question? We don't know you or your relationship with your daughter.

You didn't know you could write paragraphs. Giving you information is not being critical of you. Once you know you can write more why not add information to your question? Perhaps you don't know how to add on to your first question. I suggest you'll get more useful information when we have more information.

If all you want is a yes or no to question, this site will not be helpful. So my answer to your question is no, you should not punish her.

I suggest going back to the homepage to learn how this site is run. Or ask us to help you. If you read other questions and answers you could have a better idea about how to ask a question that will be more helpful to you.

If you punish her she will not talk to you in the future when she may really need your help and advice. Support her and teach her how to be safe, ask her how she is feeling about what happened. Don't judge her, help her navigate this difficult period of development.

ETA: You've added a few details, and that will help subsequent answers be more on target. Earlier answers will still be less helpful, unless some people go back and edit their answers for you. You'll have to check on your own though, because Mamapedia doesn't alert you when someone edits, only when there's something new. I understand that you are new so here are a few hints. You can post as much as you like - search some other questions to get an idea. If you didn't know you could search, go back to the info you saw when you signed up. Also, you cannot flame people - that's not allowed, will be reported and your question will be removed unless you edit it. That's in the original info too. I know there's a lot there, but it's helpful in making the Mamapedia experience relevant and safe for all.

Original: There's a whole lot of info left out of this post.

You explained the consequences to her - how often? Over how many years? Was this a one-time lecture when she got this boyfriend? Or have you been doing this since age 10? Or did she date him for 4 months, 28 days, and then you gave her a lecture, and then she went and had sex? (Which means she probably already was doing this.) Did you think "abstinence" was a reliable thing? Big difference.

Is she on birth control? Has she been to the doctor or clinic with a chance to talk to a counselor alone, without you there, to make her grow up? Does she know how to use condoms? (Because you should not assume that he does. There is a technique to this. And what about sexually transmitted infections?)

How do you know she had sex? Did she tell you? Did his parents contact you? Did you walk in on her? Big difference.

Define "punish" please. What do you mean? Ground her? Forbid her from seeing him? Stop giving her rides and allowance? Big difference.

I have no idea what to tell you without more details.

When I caught my then 15 year old at my house with his 16 year old girlfriend they where no longer allowed to see or talk to each other outside of school. To my knowledge they did not even have sex. But being alone in my house was one of the rules that was set from the beginning. We already had issues with them dating this was just the icing that topped the cake. She was very aggressive and had no respect for authority. I don't know what we would have done if this was a girl that we liked. And after my friend's 15 year old this past year had a baby makes me really glad that my youngest son is homeschooled.