Should I Take My Cheating Husband Back?

Nope, and do everything Julie F said. He's a selfish bastard and only "wants you back" for selfish reasons. Be polite for the sake of the kids, but protect the three of you as much as you can in legal and emotional ways.

No. He cannot even commit to himself, how will he commit to you? I am shocked actually by his attitude about the kids. If he cannot stay in the house then he won't bother to see them? That is cold and callous.

All the answers are in your own post and they’re pretty clear:

“He said he wouldn't drive out to see his kids if he couldn't be in his own house and refused to see them. So instead of driving 30 min to see his kids he drove out to the beaches to spend a day with the other woman.”

He chose her over his own children, and he used his children as pawns to try to get what he wanted from YOU. If you don’t do what he says, he’ll withdraw his attention—from the kids, not from you. He is perfectly willing to hurt your children (though he will deny and deny that, forever) to get his petulant way. Do you want to be married to someone who will use your kids like this? End it.

He writes, “"I think for me, being around you and being able to touch you will help me. "

He is making YOU responsible for HIS problem and for “fixing “ him. If you don’t give him what he wants and let him return, then he can throw it all on you being so mean and cold and wrong for not helping him. He will dish out the guilt because you didn’t “save” him, or, if you do take him back, he will tell you again and again how much he needs, needs, needs you. That’s not taking responsibility. It’s manipulative. Do you want your kids growing up with this man around, demonstrating how to manipulate others and showing that adults can be profoundly immature and self-centered? Of course not.

“He never stopped being with her all these months. She even posted a profile pic of them two at the beach on FB. Should I just end this once and for all?” He has already left this marriage, long ago.

And watch out. If he is petty enough to use your kids, he might try to fight for custody or otherwise manipulate the custody or financial arrangements. Get a very good lawyer. His serial cheating might be something that an experienced lawyer can use in your favor when it comes to custody. Like others say -- KEEP screen shots of girlfriend's FB page posts and keep every e-mail, make a note of every phone call, everything. And don't figure on staying with him for the kids. He's a horrible role model for manipulative behavior.

Do not let him tell you that it's your fault that he's not "better" - that's what he's trying to tell you when he says living with you would help him. This is not your fault. Sure, we all could be better spouses if we went to counseling, but you're doing that and he's not. He's continuing to show disrespect by putting things on Facebook for the world (and you) to see.

And what he's doing with the kids is reprehensible. Refusing to see them unless he can stay with you? He talks about "his own house" but this isn't his house. He left it.

Moreover, you have the added responsibility of the kids, 2 of whom have special needs. But he wouldn't help you with this - he would be one more special needs individual you would need to care for. And if he's drinking, you can't even allow him to drive the kids to an activity - it's not safe. Not to mention, they shouldn't see someone disrespecting their mother like this.

Julie F. gave you some excellent advice. I would take screen shots of those Facebook pages, save the emails, and save any phone messages. Anything he says to you that's ridiculous, any visitation he doesn't show up for, you write it down - date, time, location, what occurred.

Get a lawyer. Get temporary orders that include child support. Put in restrictions about visitation - he doesn't drive them, and he doesn't take them to hang out with any of his women.

See a doctor. If he's had unprotected sex with multiple women, you are at risk. You need a clean bill of health, and you need to have documentation that you had to see treatment because of the health risk.

I know it will be very hard to manage 3 kids on your own. But you are a very strong person, you know when you are being disrespected, and you know his lying is a huge problem. You are new to Mamapedia, but even without know you, I have a feeling you are strong enough to get through this. Your kids need you.

No, you should not take him back. He is NOWHERE NEAR remotely capable of beginning to comprehend the first step toward being a nominally adequate husband. Nope. Life is way too short to take on a project like that. Nope.

My ex was pretty much as bad as it gets with the cheating and the lying but yours is WAY WORSE!! I never thought I'd hear of anyone worse. And alcoholism? And thinking getting back together (this soon) has anything at all to do with what will "help him", like touching you ? He's delusional and selfish to a scary extreme. Nope. Walk away do not look back.

The ONLY WAY cheaters can save a marriage is to 1) Understand they did something wrong repeatedly and that they have major issues to fix and 2) be willing to change and 3)work to completely transform themselves and make up for what they did with all their heart and sincerity under the close watch of their spouse with complete transparency for as long as it takes. It's hard hard hard work. Your husband will never do that work. And there will always be lower than scum women out there who are attracted to married scumbags, so the issue will never go away. Don't waste any more of your own precious life on him. What a terrible influence on the kids if he were to stay.

Sorry you are going through this. I've been there (somewhat-cheater and three kids who I now parent alone). Your life will be so much better without him.

I guess I don't understand why you asked the question "Should I take my cheating spouse back?" after reading your post. A lying alcoholic, who won't see the children and is angry instead of sorry? Who still sees other women?

Get a really good lawyer and take him to the cleaners. He's just going to drink what you leave him with, so don't feel a moment of guilt for trying to get every penny from him.

Separation might be a start but it's not enough.
Never EVER take him back.
You'll never be able to trust him again.
His drinking and womanizing are things you just don't need to live with - plus this behavior of his really eats away at your self esteem.
You CERTAINLY don't want the kids thinking that what he does is acceptable and/or normal (else they'll learn the behavior, grow up and imitate it).
File for divorce and get it done.
From that point forward - celebrate your divorce date instead of your wedding date (that's what my Mom did).
Drop him like a hot potato asap!

Additional:
If your family is not likely to be supportive - then don't tell them your business.
They might pull you down and guilt you - and you don't need that.
You don't ask their permission and you don't look for their approval.
You do what YOU need to do and tell them about it way after the fact.
Any family members that want you to take this lying drunken womanizer back is NOT thinking about what's best for you and your kids.

Why would you take him back? He has done nothing but hurt you and the children, continues to lie and cheat, and he's an active alcoholic.

While it is hard to let go of the hopes and dreams you've had, it's even more damaging to keep doing this to yourself and your children. From everything you've written here, this man has no intention of being a faithful spouse, a decent role model, or an involved parent.

Document everything. Find the best divorce attorney to protect your share of the assets. Don't wait on this.

You'll still have to co-parent with him, of course, but document everything. Like the times he is supposed to come and get the kids but goes to the beach with the girlfriend instead. Save all of his emails. Don't write anything back that you don't want to end up in court. If he's drinking that much, I'd want the court to know in case there are concerns that he may be intoxicated when he's responsible for the children.

Your heart will heal in time, but you've got to rip off the scab first and let the healing begin.

Best to you and your children.

J. F.

I'm not really sure why you would consider taking him back, to be honest. You said he's done nothing to win you back, or to prove that he's changed. He is afraid to be alone, plain and simple. He has you to fall back on if he's between girlfriends and he doesn't want to give up that security. The only person you'll be helping by letting him come back, is him. It's not good for the kids to have a lying drunk around the house and it certainly isn't good for you.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I truly do feel bad that you are going through this and I hope that you get counseling on your own to help you through what must be a terrible time. You will come out stronger on the other side.

Move on, so you can truly be happy.

Should you take him back? Nope, he has too many problems. Not a chance.

Yes.
He's likely realizing that it's "cheaper to keep her."
Get yours girl.

Glad to hear you have gone to a few meetings. It is important to understand his problem, to better understand him. It is not about you, it is about him. You said it, he doesn't know how to be alone. Without help, alcoholism is a lonely place and the alcoholic become extremely self centered.

The other woman is immature and self centered as well. She is trying to tear down your marriage through you. She hasn't considered his children, but neither has he.

Keep going to meetings (or read) so that you clearly understand what you are dealing with. That will help you to make your very important future decisions.

Best wishes.

Hello
I think instead of looking to him to win you back... I think you need to win YOU back.... Where there is an alcohol, there is always a co-dependent enabler.. I know, I come from a family of them, I myself being a or was a HUGE co-dependent....
My first suggestion is that although he is the one the physical addiction problem, addiction is a family problem.. in which case, I think it's best that instead of trying to figure him out, you begin with you.. begin trying to figure out , apart from the kids, why you would stay with a man who acts this way.. I don't mean this in a judgmental way, I just mean to say that if you focus on fixing him, you won't focus on you.. and the journey for you has to begin with you..
I personally would considering getting into Alanon (because there are many people who can relate to your situation) and can offer support... many have made it through to the other side and have created a better life for themselves. additionally, they have alanon for younger people too...so consider getting the children into a group..
if not alanon, then some counseling... true, your husband has a ton of work to do not just for the family but if he is an alcoholic, that in and of itself needs to be dealt with...
however, you can't work on him... you must work on you.... you will go crazy tracking down FB posts or wondering what your husband did and how many times... if your husband can't admit to his wrongdoings, then he is in denial and really only lying to himself... also.. don't expect truth from a liar.. they don't have it to give... same goes with anything... if he has no self-respect of love for himself in that he drinks his problems away, then he has no love to give to you.... in essence, you are barking up the wrong tree........ people simply can't give what they themselves don't have.. as the saying goes, hurt people... hurt people...
he's hurt you deeply... but you can put an end to this hurt by getting yourself into program.. now you might say, why am I the one who has to go to a 12 step.. well, you don't.. BUT.. you have and are affected by someone's drinking and their dysfunctional behavior.. therefore, do yourself a favor and the kids and find a group..
again, this isn't judgmental.. it's just that I come from a family of addicts.. and the addiction runs deep.... it will take time to unwind all the stinkin thinkin.. start now.. your husband isn't going to make the change.. so let it begin with you.... think of helping yourself as helping your children....
in terms of ending it... yes.. .end it.. I am not saying the marriage.. but this way of life for yourself.. who needs a rollercoaster ride like this..
but ending it would also mean that something deep down inside of you thinks you deserve better.... once you truly believe that... you ll begin the process of change... that change has to begin with you...

so now he's cheating AND descended into alcoholism AND being a crappy father.
oh yes. absolutely take him back.
what could go wrong?
khairete
S.

Not no, but OH HELL NO!

Would you want your daughter to be married to a man like this?

Sweetie if he wanted his marriage to work he wouldn't have had multiple affairs. H wouldn't pick his girlfriend over his kids. You know he's a louse so move on.

Consult an attorney and see where you go. Not sure about your state but if he wanted, he could move back into the marital home. Protect you and the kids.

I haven't read the responses below yet, but I just want to say in response to your SWH that it's awesome you realize you deserve more. You sound like a wonderful person (and wise) and although I'm sure there once was something of value you saw in your husband, you haven't mentioned anything here. So of course you deserve better :)

I think for yourself and your children, you need to move on and you sound strong enough to - so good luck to you and keep us posted :)

Now I have to say, I pulled this post up intending to say "Every situation is different and people CAN change" (despite my experience being the opposite) - but honey, this is not the action of a man who is capable of change. If he was going to, it would have been when you kicked him out. That's number one. Number two, since then he has turned into a crappy dad AND started drinking? Unequivocally, undeniably, unrepentantly, a piece of garbage. And nowhere NEAR even attempting to make it up to you OR his kids. I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to be mean and trust me, I have been in the cycle of trying to work things out, not knowing when "enough" was "enough" - you got the hard part over, he's out. DON'T undo everything you've done so far. Hang in there. It WILL all work out, I promise. I don't normally just flat out say LEAVE HIM - because I have been there and I know how hard it is and how no one can really tell you, unless you're ready - but girl - LEAVE HIM. SO FAR BEHIND that he doesn't even see the trail of dust.

Are you better off with or without him? Are your children better off with him in the house or without him around every day? Your feelings are what matters not his. If he admits to 6 yrs of cheating out of 15 I'm going o guess that he's been cheating a lot longer and just didn't get caught. You deserve much more than what he's bring to the table but only you can answer the question of taking him back of cutting your losses and throwing in the towel.

Read your post as if it was someone else. What advice would you give you?