Should I Talk to the Parents or Stay Out?

She is telling you she needs help, she needs you to help her. She's at an age where she is overwhelmed with so much stuff. I think this is a critical time for young teens. They're really still mentally kids but growing their adult bodies and get treated like they're older sometimes.

When a kid asks for help they need to know mom or dad or whomever they ask is there for them. Take care of this but help her to learn how to do it herself by making the plan with her.

She can unfriend her.
When you know better, you do better.
This is not her friend.
Telling her parents will not do anything for the dynamic between them.
She can report the post to FB as well.

How is this a school issue? Is she on Facebook at school?

Have her unfriend this trouble-maker. If you can, inform the troubled girls family.

I HATE Facebook!

Talking with parents does not usually work. They deny that their precious child could do any wrong.

We went through a bout with some mean girls when my daughter was younger that got really bad. Police were involved. The parents denied the girl's involvement even when police presented evidence.

Print out the FB messages and save anything printed for your documentation. Have her BLOCK, not just unfriend but BLOCK anyone sending these messages to her.

My daughter had no issues with blocking anyone who said anything to her that crossed the lines. If your daughter does not want to block someone, figure out the root of the issue and see how involved she is with these so called friends.

Around age 13 girls can be enemies one day and best friends the next. My daughter a was bit older when her issue happened and she is not friends with the girls to this day.

First, she doesn't need to unfriend her, she needs to block her. Blocking makes her invisible to that user on the site. Also, you may want to report this activity to Facebook. There's an option to do this on the comment itself.
Get a snapshot of the comment and save it to your computer. You need to document this kind of behavior and have something to show the parents. She could delete the comment at any time and the trace is gone once that happens.
Finally, let her calm down. If she still wants you to pursue this issue after she is calm, do it.

I can't believe the responses that say go to the school. Unreal. People need to raise their children. Education is slipping because we want the schools to raise our kids. In regards to your question, yes I would go to the other girls parents. If they are decent people at all they will be upset by their daughters behavior and they will dole out a punishment they see as necessary.

Ditto Doris Day... I am not sure why other adults would expect a young person to 'handle' this completely on her own... adult guidance is necessary and your daughter is asking for that. Step up!

I'm still waiting to see a post on facebook and teens where the social media is actually a good thing.... And teach your daughter how to have good relationships with her friends. She may need some more support and guidance if she's always dealing with 'drama' as you say.

A thousand flowers, Doris. Really!!!

Excuse me, but who the heck are your friends? Do THEY have 13 year olds whose friends are calling their daughters ugly motherf****s?

I don't mean to offend you, but you act like you have absolutely no gumption, and you need to get some. You are an adult and need to find that backbone of yours. You call and ask the mother to please go read her daughter's facebook messages, specifically in regards to what she has said to your daughter. Tell her that you would appreciate it if she would talk to her daughter about online bullying. Tell her that there have been teens who have committed suicide from this, and it's a serious thing. You say thank you, and end the conversation.

Hopefully that mother will look at her daughter's words, have a talk with her and make her remove the offending words. The only reason you don't have your daughter unfriend her is so you can see if she continues this stuff. If she doesn't, go to the school counselor and talk to her about it.

Your daughter is 13, not 21. I'm sure that all the parents who have had to BURY their children because they didn't try hard enough to go to bat for their kids wish to God that they'd stood up to the parents of the mean girl's clubs. Do it, and stop listening to your friends who aren't the ones with THEIR daughters crying all day.

I would print it out and show it to the parents. They need to see what their daughter is saying on Facebook.

Then I would talk with the school counselor. Show them the posting and let them know there are problems to look for. If she can say these things on a public forum? What will she say or do at school?

Then have your daughter block her. This girl is NOT a friend. You should see the messages I got on facebook from an ADULT who I thought was a friend!! There are times when mean girls NEVER grow up.

Did this person's words hurt? No. I guess it should have - but you'd have to care about the person to let their words hurt you like. I can see at 13 your daughter wanting to be friends with everyone - I get it. It's the age.

You need to make sure your daughter has the tools to deal with conflict and people not liking her. I would say the girl is jealous and TRYING to get in her head - tell your daughter NOT to give this piece of trash (that's really what she is) free rent in her head.

Thirteen is a hard age - well - 13 to 16 - are the hard years. You're trying to fit in. You want friends. You want to please. Tell her she doesn't need to please anyone. Tell her that her REAL friends will stick by her and not be dissuaded by the trash. She'll try and stink up the place....but she can keep brooming her to the curb!! :)

Help her get through it. Don't let your daughter play helpless victim. She's NOT helpless. Give her the tools to deal. Make sure she likes herself - her confidence is key.

Hope this helps!!

call your school and ask what the online bullying policy is. some schools have programs set up to handle this. My sons school does. I would definitly handle it. don't leave it to her.

Tell her to "unfriend" this girl. If she can't read the girl's posts, the girl can't bully her online.

If the girl bullies her at school, then you and she need to talk to the administration.

Give your daughter a big hug, tell her you know it feels bad when kids are mean, but that she has a choice to not read the girl's posts.

She needs to unfriend the girl, right now.

Girls like that don't usually have reasonable parents, so I don't know if there's any point in talking to the parents.

p.s. -- The teen years are tough and 13 year old daughters can be really annoying, but you still need to give your daughter lots of love. You shouldn't be saying, "Handle it yourself." I hope you're a more loving mother than your sound in your post, or your daughter is going to get in a lot of trouble during her teen years.

If she wants you to handle it then she shouldn't be on FB. Part of being mature enough for online activity and social media is being mature enough to deal with people who say mean things about you.
I would have her get off of FB until she is more mature and confident. Why should she have to deal with this at such a young age? Isn't it hard enough being a young teen without adding FB into the mix?

I believe you have to find a balance. There are pieces of it she should handle and pieces of it you should handle.

Have her print (screenshot) the post. Have her block the person. Talk to her about handling her reaction to others who are being dramatic. And about online safety in general. She needs to be able to handle nasty people and have confidence in herself and her choices.

You should let the school know, since if this person escalates with her or turns on another target, they will have some documentation and can do something. Don't expect the school to handle it; they will probably not be able to do much at this stage but they need the information for the future.

I would talk to the other parents but probably ask a mediator to be present (possibly the school can set this up). You will need evidence for this stage too. Don't expect the parents to handle it either. It will be great if they do (I would) but not all parents are open to hearing bad things about their child. Some would even encourage such behavior.

The only thing that you can actually control is your behavior and protecting your daughter and helping her learn how to navigate the world. This is hard. I have one who was on the receiving end of mean girl behavior and helped her through. I have a son who got into a fight because his "friends" were egging him on and came down on him like a ton of bricks. As a parent I want to know. I spoke to the other parents on the phone and we all worked it out (us, other parents, school, the boys, and to some extent the boys who were egging them on).

Good luck. This will get better.

Take your child off facebook and let the other kids parents see the post "cussing your child out" ... I would also talk and show the school....this is a bullying situation...how long it's been going on, is something YOU need to get to the bottom of and also get the other parents and school officials involved.

Your friends advice sounds like they are in junior high....protect you child and give her a strong foundation to stand up for herself without becoming a mean girl/person.

Again....take her off the computer for a while (except for school work) and when she get back on, make sure there is NO computer in her room and you monitor what's going on.

Please keep us posted.

No..... this is too much for a child to handle... she asked you to handle it.

But.... I'm not sure I would go to the parents? I would go to the school..... I'm assuming they are in the same school?

If you knew the parents, and had a decent relationship with them, I might go to them... but I'm assuming you don't really know them? (They are probably like her, and will take her side....)

Get screen shots/printouts of the facebook messages and take it to the school... they've probably had to deal with this kind of thing. If they don't handle it, go to the police. Cyberbullying is nothing to mess with.

Kids can handle the situations that they are taught how to handle. You can't simply be hands-off and say "you do it yourself" - they need teaching.

Your teen daughter asked you for help which means she is in a situation that the CAN'T handle alone. Not helping her means letting her down and showing that you can't be counted on or trusted.

Updated

Kids can handle the situations that they are taught how to handle. You can't simply be hands-off and say "you do it yourself" - they need teaching.

Your teen daughter asked you for help which means she is in a situation that the CAN'T handle alone. Not helping her means letting her down and showing that you can't be counted on or trusted.

Do you know the parents? Do you know if talking to them will have any positive effect (meaning, will they put a stop to it or does the daughter get it from them and this would just make things worse for your daughter?)?

If you don't know them and/or don't know what effect talking to them would have, I don't think I'd go to them. I'd have your daughter unfriend this girl (take screen shots and print out everything first, so you have proof if it's needed) and leave it at that until you see what happens. If the behavior continues into real life, at school, go to the school and demand they put a stop to it. If they won't, or they try and aren't successful, then I'd go to the parents with a one shot "either you resolve this or I'm involving the police." And then follow through: if it continues even one time after you've talked to the parents at that point, call the police.

I would suggest that your daughter needs to handle this. She can do so with your help and support and direction, but she needs to handle it.

My first suggestion would be that she may want to scale back or severely limit her social media time. Set everything as private as she can. Or delete it altogether. Certainly block this "friend".

If she is old enough to have a FB page, then she needs to learn how to manage it. Otherwise, delete her account. This won't be the last time someone hurts her feelings via social media. Kids can be very cruel.
Teach her to be wise about how she posts, what she views, and how she chooses friends.
My daughter doesn't even HAVE a FB. She is 12, 7th grade. Son is 15, and does, and has since it was "legal" for him (age 13). He was told from day one, that if we find anything inappropriate by him OR his friends the account will be gone. To NEVER post anything unkind about anyone and not to get down in the dirt when others do. If they post like that on his stuff, to delete it immediately and possibly removed them from his list of friends. He knows (and can tell them) that if inappropriate things are posted, they will be removed, per his parents. And I do check his account. I have the password info.

She is just starting out with it (I assume) so maybe she may want to rethink it. She may not be ready for it if she is already wrapped up in drama. My son is pretty non-drama oriented. Daughter is the same. I don't expect a lot of stuff from them, but what their friends' post could end up being another matter.
If your daughter is really hurt, talk with her. Let her talk to you and you LISTEN. Offer thought provoking comments to help her figure out what her options are and how she wants to handle it. But let her do it.

If you KNOW the parents, and by that I mean you have their phone number and can call them up and speak with them on a first name basis... then perhaps just giving them an FYI that they might want to check in on their daughter's FB account, because she might be posting things they wouldn't approve of... that MIGHT be ok. But I certainly wouldn't call them up and tattle and say "Your Janie called my Betsy a ____ on FB!" And if I didn't already KNOW them and have their number already in my contacts list, I wouldn't call them at all.

I'd delete her account on facebook. There's no reason a 13yo should have a fb account, it invites drama. Kids that age are not mature enough to handle social media. In fact, my own kids won't join, they see it as a place that is too distracting and, frankly, trouble-causing. They know enough to stay out of it, and one of my teens is a moderator at Reddit, he understands the difference in the "atmospheres" of the two places.

First, why did the friend cuss her out? Not to condone this girls behavior, but what did your daughter do to make this friend do this?

I would go to the parents first. If they didn't care, then I would go to the school. I hope you printed out this post.

You should always tell the parents-how they handle may be another story, but your responsibility is to protect your child not the bully. Print the section of FB with the damaging remark and call the parents and tell them you have proof that their child verbally attacked your daughter-see what they say. It sends a message to your daughter that you do not agree with the girl who hurt her and that you are going to protect her-always.

Agree with others who said it is cyber-bullying. You should start with the parents. If nothing happens, ask the school if they have a policy against cyber-bullying, even if the incident doesn't happen at school. They might be able to help as well and may have automatic discipline. As a last resort - and only if it continues, not if it's just the one time - you can involve local police.

this is bullying, and it's illegal as far as i know. feel free to step in. but talk to her first. you don't want to make the situation worse for her. come up with a plan, together.

good luck, mama. i'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this!

Absolutely! Talk with the parents and the school. My dd's elementary just had an assembly on cyberbullying. This would fit in that category. Obviously you have written proof.

I suggest that you help your dauughter by being sympathetic and also reminding her that what this girl said is so ludicrous she should laugh about it. There is no truth in it and why would what one girl said matter enough to cry all day. Then get her started doing something else. These words just aren't worth the effort of even calling the other mother.

This is an opportunity to learn how to treat oneself and the mean girl. Know that the girl is mean and not speaking the truth. Stand up for yourself by completely ignoring her. By speaking to her or her mother you are telling them this girl has power over your daughter. Stand tall. Don't respond in any way. Respect yourself by staying away from her. Block her on Facebook. We do not need to be with someone who disrespects us.

My experiences with talking to parents are fairly 'iffy'. But you can try. Depends on how it is handled. Some parents take even the slightest criticism of little Muffy or Buffy as if you personally attacked their parenting and therefore don't react nicely themselves. So broach it carefully. However, if she isn't unfriending her herself immediately I'd wonder what's up. This age is so hard to read.On again off again friendships. I stuck up for one girl last week when she was picking on another one and the next week they were best friends. I had no idea.

I know this is late, but I would like to say a couple of things. I am glad that you are trying to help her by doing the right thing for her - that means you are trying to be a good mother. Thank you! I think you should talk to her about what that means to her and what should be done. I think I would offer to go to the parents and ask what she thinks. Ask her what would help to do. Then help her to do it with you, if she can't do it alone. Remind her to be patient and not lose her temper, but to let that girl know that she (your daughter) is a good person and she doesn't want her (the other girl's) opinion. Definitely unfriend her. Try to help your daughter understand why someone would do that to her... maybe the other girl has low self esteem or she has had someone else do that to her and thinks it will make her feel better. Help your daughter to see that the other girl has a problem - that your daughter's friends know that she is not like that - and that you know what a wonderful girl she is. Thank you, again, for trying to do what is best. :)