I have a 5 year old daughter who is very sensitive and shy. I dont want her to be a push-over, but recently during playgroups or out at public places a similar situation has occurred.
Another mom will come up and reprimand my daughter that its not ok to hit/yell at their child (which is true, we do not condone hitting or yelling). I would rush over to the situation, find my daughter in tears for being "yelled at" and she would tell me that the reason she did it was because she or her little brother was being bitten or physically hurt by the other child, and on occasions I can see marks where I know she is telling the truth.
I feel so bad for her, if someone was doing that to me I would also yell at them to get away or shove them. But she is getting the message from adults that defending herself is not ok (I am assuming the adult only catches her offending behavior and not their own child's). I cant say I want her to be hurting other kids, but she needs to feel like its ok to stand up for yourself! What should I teach her?
Thanks everyone for all the comments, very helpful. I was not an assertive child at all when I was younger, so its still difficult for me to try to teach what I wasnt good at during that age. I think the role play suggestions are great, we have some practice to do. I think also next time, I will try to figure it out with the parent if it happens again instead of letting MY emotions about my child getting hurt get the best of me. Thanks all!
I would start by modeling behavior for her. If someone did that to my child I would take my child to the other parent and explain what happened so that my child could see that *I* would stand up for her. Then, I would teach her how to use her words with other children and adults.
Yes. In circumstances where an adult is reprimanding them for hitting their child - she has EVERY RIGHT to say - I am defending my brother - HE bit him..and point to the child in question and say so and so bit, hit or did whatever to my brother...the adult that reprimands another's child without getting the WHY for it - needs to be reprimanded themselves.
Enroll her in Tae Kwon Do...she will learn voice, control soooo many things!!
Number 1: I do NOT teach my children to be aggressive! But being ASSERTIVE is a very necessary skill for living a happy and successful life, and it is very ok to assert yourself and let your feelings, needs, and wishes be known!
Number 2: I teach my (just turned 5 today!) son that he needs to look for a way out of things. He can make people laugh (because he's naturally a clown if he feels comfortable, but I've also witnessed him in situations where he's not comfortable, where he acts more sensitive and shy), or he can redirect (yes, I teach that) attention or I guess the normal phrase would be "change the subject". But if someone is not being nice on a normal basis, I want him to walk away. If someone puts their hands on him, he needs to look for an adult to assist, or walk away. But if he feels threatened and "that feeling" in his stomach or throat, then do what he needs to do if there are no adults to help. He is an orange belt in kung fu and we also do a little boxing with him. We talk, practice, role play with him when he mentions that he felt sad or that people were teasing him on the playground. One thing that we've had to teach though is that sometimes children don't know HOW to be friendly and what seems like teasing is them asking to play.
An example of that was when a kid was singing "You can't catch me, you're not fast enough" but I whispered (he WANTS you to chase him) and they had a grand time. Another time, he said a big boy yelled "Hey boy" at him and ran towards him to beat him up, and he ran away. I didn't really like that he "ran away" so we discussed it. I was like "Where was I? How come you told me after we left? Is "Hey boy" all he said? Well...MAYBE he wanted to play and just didn't know your name, I don't know". But the next time we went, I was standing there when the "big boy" came charging up. Joseph was like "Mom! That's him!" and since I had my 1 year old with me, I just used the 1 year old as an excuse and said "Hey guys! Y'all play nicely, but don't squish the baby ok?" The big boy nodded, and Joseph said "You want to play?" and they played for a solid hour. (Midway through, he ran over to me, gave me a fast hug and said "thanks mom" and ran away again). What we're learning to navigate (we meaning my son) is the social cues and when someone wants to be left alone, when someone is being mean, when someone is just wanting to play. (Some children can be hyper, excited, a little bigger, maybe a little awkward, but just wanting to run and play). Trying to show him little ways to figure out what's going on...a new ocean to navigate for us!
However, sometimes, bad things happen and YES a child needs to defend himself, and how to do so! Once we were at a play center and there was a little bounce house type thing and a "big kid" (like 8) was going around pushing ALL the kids down. He pushed Joe and he just said "Hey!" but then he started walking towards my 1 year old. I jumped up and started going towards the entrance, watching everything as I was going around it, when I saw my 4 yr old step in front of the baby and said "Don't touch my brother". The kid stepped around him to push the baby, and Joe stepped in front again and said "Hey! Don't touch my brother". The kid went to hit him and Joseph jumped into his stance that he learned from kung fu and blocked every hit perfectly. PERFECTLY! He had perfect posture, it looked lovely and easy, but the big kid tried to hit him 8 times and was blocked everytime and got mad and walked away. Joseph not only defended himself but his little brother too, without yelling, crying, or hitting. It was PERFECT. (In the meantime, I had stopped to watch and see what would happen because while he was facing the big kid, the baby had cluelessly wandered off and was safe). An employee saw the whole thing and had the big kid go out to his father. I let the boys play, but when he came out on his own, I had a talk with him about how awesome it was, and how proud I was. We talked to his dad and sifu about it as well, which made him happy and built his confidence. I also love martial arts (if you go to a good school with a good, responsible teacher) for this reason: defense, respect for others, self respect and confidence all go hand in hand with martial arts, and I'd suggest it to anyone even remotely interested.
First, I would tell the mother that HER child instigated the situation, and politely ask her, if there is an issue, come to ME and not to yell at my child so we can figure it out.
There isn't anything wrong in my opinion in breaking up fighting children and reminding them to behave, but to discipline another child without finding out the whole story like that is out of line.
That said, I think it is not only important for your daughter to learn to discipline herself, but it is MORE important to teach her to get help from an adult and to leave the situation when something like that occurs. She needs to learn to stand up for herself and explain what happened as well, to tell the adult, "I hit Johnny defending my little brother because Johnny was biting him." This is coming from a black belt, this is what we teach the children studying martial arts as well.
I don't understand why you didn't speak to the other mother? I have rarely reprimanded a stranger's child in public but if there was some sort of altercation ending in tears and one kid saying the other one started it, then this is a teachable moment. Find out exactly what happened, and make sure your daughter is aware of how to better handle it next time. Learning to hit back teaches her nothing, just to react to violence with violence, and she'll probably end up getting hurt AND getting in trouble (especially if she does it at school.) She needs self confidence, a big voice and the ability to walk away and find an adult if a child is hurting or bullying. My kids never did martial arts but I know that is an excellent way to learn those skills.
If another mom yells at your child, take her over to the mom that yelled and explain that it was her little angel that bit/hit/pushed your daughter or son. Then tell her you want an apology for your child. and then turn around and leave to go back where you were in the first place.
The yelling mom will probably be indignant and I doubt she will apologize, but you will have made your point.
If she talks about you, explain to all that will listen what her little angel did and what the mom did.
In days long past, the other mom would have investigated the acts of both children and disciplined BOTH of them. But today too many people don't believe in spanking and we end up with parents that behave like the mom who yelled at your child and the woman on the other post that said she didn't want any coconut on anything served at her farewell luncheon because SHE didn't LIKE coconut. The entitlement generation.
How far we have fallen from the generation that fought and sacrificed to keep us free from the Nazi's and Japanese.
Good luck to you and yours.
I taught my daughter that she was never to be the first to get physical, but that if someone else took it there, she was to fight back and fight dirty. And yes, I showed her how to fight dirty.
I have more of a problem with the mother that spoke to your child without knowing the whole story or speaking to you first.
Generally I try to find the owner of the child and if I can't I ask each person what happened.
There should be no need for a child to defend themselves against an adult.
If you can rush over to her when she is being corrected by another parent, why can't you rush over to her when she or your other child is in an altercation with another child so you can see what is REALLY happening?
Blessings....
I can't say enough positive about taekwondo! My dd is about to test for her red belt, my son recently received his brown. The values and confidence are worth it all! and it doesn't hurt to know my 13 yo could beat the !@#$ out of someone if she had to.
This is a tough one because she does need to stand up for herself. Maybe teach her to stand up, put her hands on her hips and tell them loudly DO NOT BITE/HIT/Scratch me! If you can intervene sooner, hard I know, but now that you know what happens be ready. Don't let the other Mom yell at her, you can ask FIRST why she did it so can reiterate the action you decide she should take AND make sure the other child learns not to instigate this.
Most important, make sure you are standing up for her with these adults who have no business disciplining your child without getting the whole story first. As for defending her self, teach her that her first course of action should be a very loud "No! Stop that!", and if the child does not stop, than she should seek an adult. The only reason to hit would be if she was being hurt and could not get away or get an adults attention.
Here's my house rule (literally, word for word, this is what I teach)
"When is it okay to attack someone else? When you're defending yourself, someone else, or learning how to fight."
The learning to fight bit, is because my son is VERY literal. AKA if he's in a martial arts class it wouldn't be okay to attack someone if that bit WASN'T added in there.
And by attack I mean in every which way. It started out as "hit" when we first made the rule (but then there's kicking, biting, scratching, pulling hair, eye gouging, headbutting, etc. AND yelling, screaming, rudeness, etc. / aka physical and verbal).
Similarly....
When is it okay to yell? When there's danger, or you're far away.
Each time something like the above happens (another parent repremands her for defending herself, you say the following);
"You did the RIGHT THING. We defend ourselves when someone attacks us."
A person, does not have to "yell" in order to defend themselves.
Teach her different tones of voice... to use. Along with facial expressions and body language. Teach her actual words... to use. ie: "Stop it, you are hurting me..", "Stop it, that was mean...", Stop it... I don't like that..., Stop it, that wasn't fair..." , "NO, I don't like that... ", "Don't do that... ", etc. And teach her HOW to go and tell the Teacher or you or the person in charge.
Also, standing up for oneself, means knowing right from wrong, and saying it. That means, speaking up. To a child or an adult.
She can also, instead of 'hitting' another child/person... she can just hold up her hand and say "STOP it..." that is using body language, to stop an offending child.
My kids are 5 and 8 and they will speak up for themselves and even for other kids that are being picked on. I as a Mom, will also do this and I teach them how, telling them to watch me as I do it.
You need to role-play, with your child... so that they learn. From you.
And if another child is hurting or causing trouble to your child, then RIGHT there, correct the child, speak up for yourself and your child, and if marks are on your child from that other child... I would have, gone to the other kid's parent and told them and shown them, that.
I teach my 5 yo son to defend himself. The rule is to never start the conflict. If he does, then he's in trouble. But if someone touches/hits/slaps him in a bad way to first to tell the teacher. If that kid does it again, then he has my permission to do whatever he needs to do to get that other kid off of him. I think it's ok to teach them to defend themselves when appropriate.
My daughter finds the parent and tells on them. Of course we also have problems with tattling on things that happened weeks ago and have been dealt with!
I have taught my daughter that is it ok to take care of it herself if the parent tell her to "figure it out" but to tell me so I can talk to the other parent to be sure if that is REALLY what they want!
The one thing you left out is what do you do? If you did not have her back and go tell the other mother, hey, you have a problem with my child you come to me, and if you don't know who her mother was, then you should have asked her, who's your mother so you could address me.
Yes, I do feel you should teach your child to respect others, but if you have to defend yourself, do it. Sounds like she was defending herself, she just needed to let the other mother know what she was doing, however, I would be in tears too if I was 5 and some adult yelled at me. I don't think kids are as assertive to adults as they are to their own peers.
I would really call out the other mother for her bad behavior if that happened to my daughter. I would have went up to her and say, I've raised my daughter to know the difference between right and wrong. You child bit my daughter or whatever be the case, and my daughter let your child know it's not right. Then you as an adult have the audacity to yell at a child and make them cry for standing up for themselves when you allow your own child to bite other, or tease others. You are promoting bullying!
Well, something like that...
Teach her to be strong, from your post she has that, but she needs the confidence that she does make the right choices, and you have her back.
The child who hits back is always the one who gets caught.
I think you should confront the Mom who is speaking to your child and show her the marks on your child. Explain that you do not condon hitting or biting but your child will defend herself. Maybe she needs to have a talk with her child about hitting and biting.
Signing her up for Tae Kwon Do is always an excellent idea. Any Martial Arts training involves self control and self esteem. The student is taught to defend themsevles but often with attitude not kicks or punches. The way you carry yourself tells people not to mess with you.
I personally perfer TKD over Karate. TKD is the Art of Hand and Foot fighting and consentrates on kicking, a person doesn' not have to be as close to an attacker to defend themselves. Karate is the Art of Empty Hand fighting, focuses on punches so you have to be much closer to an opponant. Either method teaches walking away if possible.
She needs to speak up to those adults. Teach her how, and give her permission. I feel like whenever a skirmish breaks out, and I approach kids and say, "Hey, whats going on?" or something, they all shout about who did what, and I never just assume the one currently lashing out is to blame for stuff. You should speak up to those parents too and ask what happened, not just let them yell at your daughter if you can help it. They sound pretty out of line to yell at her like that without getting the full story first. If she truly didn't start it, just reassure her that those parents were wrong.
Teach her those two words that will serve her well for the rest of her life: Speak Up!
She has every right to respond to these adults.
The rule for your son is: If someone is bugging you with words or actions, ignore them. If anyone touches/hits/hurts you, punch them O. time...hard...in the face.
can you keep a closer eye on her and nip it before someone else says something? step in if you have to, and correct the other kid (nicely) and redirect yours to doing something else? not saying you're not watching her, but maybe just stay a little closer. it might be more beneficial to stopping the behavior, if you stop the other kids from hitting/biting/whatever in the first place. and of course, teach her to use her words instead of doing it back. there's nothing wrong with her saying, "THAT'S NOT NICE" and going to play somewhere else. we do need to teach them not to do it back. good luck!
