Should I Tell My Son About the Father He Will Never Meet?

I think that you should be honest from the get go - the younger you address it the easier it is going to be for him to accept it. The longer you wait, the more he will feel betrayed. You just address it as a non issue and he will feel it is a non issue. That is my advice.

Be VERY careful... My dad left before I was born, and when I found out that the man that was with my mom wasnt my dad, I got pissed. I hated my stepdad from that day on, along with my father.
It would be better to tell him than to find out by you talking about it with friends,husband, ect like I did

I'd tell him but wait til he's old enough to understand, but young enough to accept it without having an identity crisis, definitely before his teens. It's better than him finding out from someone else. It's also hard on friends and family who are supposed to keep the secret. We had to be so careful in my family not to tell my cousin she was adopted as an infant. Everybody knew but her. Someone finally told her about her adoption, but it wasn't her mom. It's simpler to tell the truth, he will probably find out eventually anyway.

Sorry, Page is wrong. You must tell your son. I have a son who is 8 and his dad has absolutely nothing to do with us. He signed over his rights when my son was 2 and doesn't even know his name. He has never seen him, never talked to him, didn't even rub my belly when I was pregnant. He is absolutely nothing to me or my son and never will be, God willing.
My husband has been with me since before my son was born! He went with me to the birthing classes and was in the hospital when I was in labor. He is the only father my son has ever known.
But, I am not a liar. As much as my husband did NOT want to tell my son that he was his adopted father I knew in my heart that that was the right decision. We told him how much we both loved him, how papa didn't help put him IN my belly but loved him even when he was inside me. That papa CHOSE to be his father and that he loves him very much. While someone else very well put the "seed" in mama his papa is the one who is his dad and would love him and teach him how to be a man. I talked with him and let him know that if he ever has any questions to please come and ask me and I would do my best to honestly answer him. He hasn't come to me in the past 3 years. I know, one day he will, and I will just have to be honest!
Listen, your whole family knows that your fiance is not his dad. Your friends know. Your work knows....how many other people know? If you try and keep that from him it WILL backfire on you. He will not only think YOU are a liar but everyone else that kept it from him as well.
Tell the truth. Tell your fiance to suck it up and be a man. I know it's harsh, but he needs to be honest and that takes a little something extra. Your son will be fine, mine is!
L.

I would be 100% honest...start now telling the truth. Secrets all eventually get told and only then bring resentment and a feeling of shame to the person that the secret was kept about.

Your son's biological father wants nothing to do with him now....can you guarantee that will be the case in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years? What if there is a medical issue in the future that this information is needed for?

The truth has a way of eventually getting out. Then what - how will your son feel knowing that he has been lied to for years? Plus making it a secret implies there is some shame to it. Your son's well being needs to come before your fiancee's. It would be so much better for your son to always have known the truth - and not have it be a big deal. And he will know the truth that your fiance loved him so much that he adopted him. You make it a much bigger deal then it is by making it a secret.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

your fiance is his daddy. but he has a different bio father. it's not a big deal if you don't make it a big deal. i'm with you, keeping this from him would be like lying. that's never a good idea.
khairete
S.

I don't think lying to him is a good idea. Just make it apart of life. He is blessed to have a man want to call him his own and raise him but he has a biological father who helped make him. He would feel terrible to find out in 15 years that it is not his real dad. Think how you would feel if someone told you your dad was not really your dad.

You need to tell him at some point but not right now. The one important reason is you will need to insure he has the proper family medical history on file.

What to say may depend on the age at which you decide to tell him. Basically you would say that although your fiancee is his daddy, his biological dad helped make him.

Please tell you son. It's very important to be very honest with him. I am adopted and though my situation is vey different from your son's, it is the honestly that my parents had with me that makes me proud that I am adopted and not sad. I knew so early in life that I don't remember my mother and father tellling me. So ingrained in the story of my life is this fact that we often forget that I am adopted. If you hide it, it becomes something that is shameful when it is not. Your fiancee is an important part and your son's true daddy but hiding this truth cheapens their connection. Tell your child early and treat it as naturally as the sky is blue and your son will grow up proud that he was adopted by your fiancee.

Good luck!

I would absolutely, 100% be completely honest with your son.

Don't keep it a secret and don't make it just one conversation. Just have it be something that is known and not a big deal. I think when he is a couple years old you can slowly explain to him the basics, not that he will totally get it, but it will be out in the open. As he gets older he can understand more. Biologically he is not his child, but that doesn't matter for anything else. He will legally be adopted I am assuming and belong to you and hubby. I don't think hiding it is a good idea, it will come out eventually--it always does--and then you son may feel angry or lied to. Keeping something a secret implies that it is something to be ashamed of and that is not the case here. Your son should know that this man loves him, is his father, and that he chose this path--there is nothing shameful in that. Best!

My cousin found out her dad was not her bio dad at 14. She felt extremely betrayed by not only her mom and dad but also aunts and uncles who said she got her musical talent from her dad's side of the family whom she wasn't't genetically related to. She also said she always new something was off but couldn't put her finger on it until 14 when she slowly figured it out. Had she always known it would have been a non-issue in my cousins opinion. I agree. Your fiancé is marrying you and he wants to adopt your son. Your son was picked to be the son of your husband! This is a beautiful thing and not shameful in the least so why keep it a secret? Congratulations on your marriage and new baby!

I have 3 biological children and my youngest is adopted. He came to live with us when he was 1. He is my sister's grandson. His birth mom has mental health issues and it is a closed adoption. We don't know her and have never met her. That may change someday, who knows. We have told my son since he was 3 or 4 that he was adopted. He has a special book with photo's of his birth mom and her family. Most adoption specialists counsel people to tell their kids about the adoption. When some kids grow up and find out that they are not dad's and or mom's biological child, they go balistic. We choose our son, he is special, he is loved. He gets it totally.
From a practical standpoint, there may be medical issues from dad's side of the family that doctor's need to know about. For example, history of heart disease, cancer, even ADD and other learning disabilities. My son is dsylexic and it is from his birth father's side of the family. Secrets are rarely a good idea. Tell him the truth and treat him no differently than you treat the other kids. Talk to an adoption agency if you need ideas on how to tell him and how much to say. Or check out a book from the library.
B.

You and your fiancee need to agree on the right thing to do for you. My nephew was adopted by his 'dad' and then one day his biological father shows up and wants a relationship. My nephew was confused, angry and hurt - he was 15 when it happened. 4 years later, he is in consistent contact with bio-dad and struggles with 'dad'. There are a lot of good ways to let him know about his past without making it a big deal.

I would let him know at the beginning in a way without out all of the gory details (save that for when he asks). I have two adopted sons, they have ALWAYS known that they were adopted. Told them stories before they could even understand as infants. Not sure why people think that it will be easier when they get older and "understand". It makes it harder when all the sudden you need to be honest. Why not do it from the beginning? With holding truth is NEVER wise for any reason and not for something as big as this in someone's life.
It will buy no means change the relationship he has with his adopted dad :)
Best Regards,
C.

14 months old is way to young to understand the concept of bio Dad and Daddy. If your fiancee is adopting your son leave the entire bio Dad concept alone until your child is much much older. Middle school may be time enough for this conversation. About the only reason to ever have the conversation is to relay needed medical history.

I just don't think you can plan the "right" time to have these conversations - the moment will present itself somewhere down the line. Don't stress over it now - your son is still a baby and now is the time to just enjoy your family.

S., you are blessed to have a fiancee that accepts your son as his own and when the time comes to talk to your son about it that is what you stress - that Val chose to be Landon's father. How cool is that!!!

It would be best to tell your son about his father before he is 10. You owe this to your son over your fiance.

I have an adopted son and he asked one day if he had any other parents and we told him that he did and explained it to him. He has never attempted to find his birth parents. There was no drama. He feels grateful that someone would take him home and bring him up and love him. He is now 37.

My ex-sister in law thought she was doing something smart by stating that he was adopted like it was a big deal or secret. It back fired because he already knew it. This is just another example of someone trying to cause a problem when there was no problem. You must always thing of this situation with your son and arm him so that he has answers about where did I come from. As to his biofather you could state that things didn't work out between you two and that you parted just matter factly with no extra emotion. He will then feel good about what has happened to him and not feel ashamed or that he was lied to.

Good luck on your future marriage and the addition to the family.

The other S.

You never know how these things are going to turn out. Bio dad may decide to show up one day, people do change with time.
When your son is age appropriate you probably should share the news somehow.... being honest would be the best policy.

Who's last name does he have. If he has his fathers last name or your maiden name, at some point he is going to question why his last name is different from you, his siblings and the man he thinks is his father. I'm not sure that he would even understand for several years even if you were willing to tell him. He will need to know at some point. It is probably best to let him know before his teen years. If you wait until his teen years to tell him, it may turn his whole world upside down and in turn make him difficult to deal with. I think if it was my son, I would tell him at about 6 years old.

Tell your son while he is young so it is never a secret. By young I mean by 3 or 4 years old. My son learned all about family relationships and who is related to whom at about age 3 so it isn't too young (just use age appropriate terms).

I would say celebrate and take some pictures on the day of the legal adoption. Display them or put them in an album like you would a wedding picture--it is an important step in building your identity as a family. I say this having spent a year doing adoption counseling. It was easier to work with a younger child and their family close to the time of the adoption that deal with problems that had been developing for years and were ignored only to get worse as the child hit their teens.

Parenthood is about conduct and not biology. As he gets older, you can tell him, not for any other reason than to let him know of the struggles you went through, and make him into someone not like his biological dad. Other than that, I don't think it's an important issue at that point.

Besides, he's 14 months. He'll just gurgle and giggle when you tell him.

When Landon gets older, he will ask about his father. One day, Landon might seek out his father (when he is a teenager), and you will have no control over it.

Congrats on finding a man who wants to adopt your son. Landon - great name! I have a Landen!

I would tell my son when he was school aged. Old enough to understand, but not so old that he felt like he'd been lied to.

There may be a point when it's medically necessary for your son to know the truth and that's a hard time to find it out.

Bring it up now so that it's part of his life story that he always just knows. There is nothing to be ashamed of, these things happen. Be matter-of-fact and accepting about it and it will not be a big deal to him. Don't wait until he's older to tell him because then he'll feel like a) he was lied to and b) everyone was privy to his own life story except him and c) that there is something shameful about this if you went to such great lengths to hide it. If it's something he always knows, it's not a big deal. My oldest son never met his birth father and he calls my husband, who he has known since he was 2 (as long as he can remember) dad and that is dad to him. Other family members and friends were lied to in similar situations and finding out the truth as an older child or adult was shocking and devastating. Kids are great about absorbing things and figuring out complicated situations on their own time line. We have a complicated family (DH and I were single parents and we have two children together) and it's not a big deal to any of our kids that we've got step-parents, step-siblings, half-siblings, etc. To my kids, we're all family, we've just got some different biological parents mixed in there.

Finally re: adoption, it might be a longer and more complex process than you imagine. My husband was never able to adopt my son and it took so long that we just abandoned the idea altogether. Hopefully you've already started the process and have good reason for your optimism, but don't be surprised if you haven't started this that it's not easy. When it goes through, you can really celebrate the wonderful occasion and throw a party and that might be a nice way to get out into the open that when you son was born, he had a different birth father but your husband is his "real dad" now and isn't that wonderful? If you celebrate it, your son will grow up knowing that your husband loves him so much he deliberately chose to make him his son, and your family will know that it's not a hush-hush secret.

Well, he's still too young to be curious about it so I would wait until he's old enough to understand your Fiance is NOT his biological father. I think it's healthy not to confuse him and seeing that he's a toddler, he will likely grow up thinking your fiance is his father. If you want to avoid that confusion then tell him when he can understand. Also, you may want to leave the door open for his biological father to at least poke his head in, that's possible. Hey, he could decide to mature and want to build a relationship with his son. Don't count it out. It's never too late to grow up.

Take it one day at a time. :o)

I think you should tell him as soon as you think he would understand. I have a step-mom who is far more of a mother to me tha my birth mother. Just let you son know that love is thicker than blood, and it sounds like you have a guy who will prove that to him. If you choose not to tell him and he finds out another way, I think there will be a lot of trust issues from that and heartach. All the best.

what kind of man is biodad? if he's toxic, i agree, let new dh be dad, if he's not, then let your son know about him as he asks, but only tell enough to satisfy curiousity

you need to think about "long term results" if you hide him all his life from dad, how will he respond when he finds out through "other sources"?? if you don't, will this man be a healthy relationship for your son to have around??

think about it very carefully, and don't be too quick to answer and act

Monica L is exactly right. He does not need information that's not age appropriate, but there may come a time where he needs to know for medical reasons. Also, it's just the right thing to do. I have a different biological father than my sister, but he adopted me when I was 4 years old. I never did end up meeting or knowing my biological father, which was fine with me, but at least I know my own genetics, why I look different from everyone else in my family, and the fact that heart disease does run on that side.

Yes, he should know. For one, he should have the knowledge to any family history or health benefits and if he ever chooses to seek him out or if his bio father ever does come around... or has other children and they start looking for their half brother... when he is older, he should have that opportunity.

I would probably tell him when he is 5 or 6... but not make a big, awkward deal out of it and be sure you emphasize who his real father is the one who spends time with him.

My little brother is adopted, and it's never a good idea to keep things like that from them.... as eventually, it will come out, and it's better for them to have a basic understanding than to feel lied to and resentment their whole life.

You've gotten a lot of good responses. I too think you should tell him. I don't have any experience with this, so I can't say when or how.

Anything could happen later and your son could find out the hard way that your husband is not his bio dad.

I definitely think he should know as early as possible. If it's done early it doesn't need to be a big deal, like it would be a big announcement when he's older. There may be a time in the future that he would need to know, for medical reasons for instance, it would be much better if it doesn't come as a big shock to him.
He may feel very betrayed if this becomes a big family secret.

I wouldn't worry about it unless the question comes up from your son & that would be the right time to tell him.

This is a very tricky situation - my ex adopted my son, we decided not to tell him ever. We figured it would be best that way, otherwise there could be contention between the siblings, if one thought one was biological and the other wasn't (child favoring, etc. in their minds). Well upon my divorce, my son was so distressed at what an idiot for a father he had - my son was hating to be known that he was 'genetically' a part of him - he loathed him, and I felt at that time to let him know 'the truth' - he was in complete shock initially. After a bit, he was ecstatic and happy to know he had no biological ties to my now ex. I didn't expect to ever mention it, but felt under the circumstances it was necessary for my son's own mental health. He (nor I) have not told his siblings, and don't intend to - don't feel it would be good at all - since my kids already have a lot of sibling rivalry between them, and it would make things worse. So in the end - I don't think there is a wrong or right answer, it totally depends on the situation. I think when in doubt - Don't. At least you can always delay this till a time you feel appropriate to discuss - and that the child is old enough to grasp it all. My son at the time was about 12 years old....

Don't open that can of worms now - especially since your son won't understand anyway. Let him have his daddy (Landon) and if some day he asks (and he's old enough to get it), then tell him.

Please do tell him because it really does matter. I was born when my mother was 18 and unmarried. My biological father was never interested in being involved. My stepfather adopted me when I was 18 months old. I found out on my own that he was not my biological father when I was 12. I found out from a friend whose mother told her. I was just so angry that it caused me some majorly difficult teenage years. Secrets like that just don't stay secrets, and when you keep it a secret, it says to the kid that it is something to be ashamed of. Be honest with him from the start, and he'll deal with it alot more successfully than if it is treated like some big family scandal to hide.

I am a 59 year old father and grandfather that didn't find out until about 23 years old, that I was the product of an extramarital affair. I never got to meet or even see a picture of my bio dad. Based on personal experience, you should tell Landon as soon as he is able to understand. I'm thinking no later than 14. There is within us a meter of sorts that tells us something is different, and it will be persistent. Additionally, his curiosity will be aroused, and he will seek answers. Lastly, there is the scope of access to medical history and potential genetic illnesses that could be inherited!

Updated

For now your fiance is the your son's father if the bio dad is completely out of the pix? Does your fiance plan to adopt him? Even if he isn't he'll be the one to help raise him. When your son is old enough to understand I would certainly share this information as he has a right to know. When he becomes an adult he can do with that information however he wants i.e. try to attempt contact. etc. For now enjoy your newfound family and concentrate on making happy and stable home for the 4 of you.

I would let the conversation start as your son asks questions about fathers and babies and stuff like that. It should be a natural discussion and you will know how to put it in an age appropriate manner. You shouldn't lie but you don't have to keep it in front of his face all the time, either. It's not that big a deal if it happens over time, rather than a big revelation. And emphasize how much his REAL daddy loves him, meaning the one who raised him.

I was 9 years old when I found out that the man I thought was my father wasn't my real father. He adopted me as well at a very young age. I was devastated. Also, I found out from another family memeber that was angry with my Dad so you have to make sure that if you don't tell him about his father and that noone else in your family will tell him. I had to goto counseling for many years to come to terms with it because I was so close with my adopted father. He also had 5 more children and it was hard for me because I didn't have the same daddy as they did. I'm an adult now and from time to time I still do think about it. I do love my adopted father as if he is my real father, but I wish I had been raised knowing that I had known that he wasn't my biological father. I've never met my biological father and never will. Good luck.

Updated

I was 9 years old when I found out that the man I thought was my father wasn't my real father. He adopted me as well at a very young age. I was devastated. Also, I found out from another family memeber that was angry with my Dad so you have to make sure that if you don't tell him about his father and that noone else in your family will tell him. I had to goto counseling for many years to come to terms with it because I was so close with my adopted father. He also had 5 more children and it was hard for me because I didn't have the same daddy as they did. I'm an adult now and from time to time I still do think about it. I do love my adopted father as if he is my real father, but I wish I had been raised knowing that I had known that he wasn't my biological father. I've never met my biological father and never will. Good luck.

Hi--
This happened in my husband's family. The son in question is now 23 and does not know that my BIL is not is bio-dad. However, you can tell that he knows something. When we talk about family resemblances you can see how uncomfortable he gets. There is definitely an unease around the situation. Everyone but him and his younger brother know the truth. So in my opinion, I think you should tell him when he is old enough to understand. Celebrate how wonderful it is that your fiance loved him so much he was willing to marry you just so he could have him :-)
I always wonder what would happen if my nephew found out about the situation because of some health issue. Like finding out that he has a different blood type or something. How awful would it be to find out as an adult that you were lied to your entire life? So I say definitely tell him.
J.

If your fiancee is adopting your son then he will be your sons father. There is no need to say anything until he is much older.

Yes your son needs to know he will grow up & find out else where that wouldn't be good.I would tell Landon that this isn't your father but your daddy start now while he is young,then as he becomes older & asking questions go from ther don't hide the truth from him trust can be broken & takes alot to regain

wait and see if he asks. Also I believe if your fiancee is to adopt your son then the father has to relinquish all rights as the father. Other wise your fiancee can not adopt him legally. I know this because my step dad adopted me when I was young. My dad knew he couldn't give me a good life so he gave up his right as my father so I could have a better life. That was 23 years ago though. You are so young to have two children, I wish you the best of luck and I am glad you are happy now. You make sure you make those kids the happiest kids in the world. You four I am sure have so much to live for. :) Good luck with everything.

I would tell him but not until he is old enough to understand, he might need health information one day. Just tell him he has a bio daddy that just wasn't around, that his "dad" adopted him when he was little. My cousin found out at about 10 that her "dad" wasnt her real dad, my other cousin told her in a fight. Not an easy thing.

I say, you tell him when he asks. If he starts to ask questions, then you tell him. Your fiancee is his "DADDY"! There is a difference between a daddy and a father. Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone really special to be a dad. One day he will ask about it, and you only answer his question, do not elaborate. If you tell him too much, he will be overwhelmed. Just like approaching the birds and the bees, you only answer what they ask. I hope all the advice helps. You will be fine. What is important is that he has 2 parents that love him very much, and he is not missing out on anything. I have a step dad and I call him daddy. I always said God had a reason for me not being around my biological father when I was younger and older too. Good luck and congrats on the new baby!

I guess, as a kid who was adopted by my mom's second husband--who was on the scene even before I was born-- that I am surprised how many people suggest telling a child as early as possible that they have a second father.

I'm coming at this not just from my personal experience, but from an understanding of a child's needs. This is from Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs (worth googling, and the foundation for much of our thinking around early childhood psychology): The very first and foremost is to have one's physical needs met; second is a sense that the world is a safe place; and third (not the last, by the way) is to feel a sense of belonging. Being a "staircase", this third step is a requirement for other 'higher' steps: "being love" (being loved just because the child exists); Compentency, and self-esteem. A lot of important, big stuff hinges on that sense of belonging. And this needs to be as straightforward and simple as possible for your young son, for a long time.

We adults often base our ideas of what our children can understand on our own experiences, and what *we* think a child can understand. For a young child to be told that they have a 'real father' who they will never see is incredibly confusing and hurtful. They do not have the comprehension to cognitively understand this, and may feel terrible that their 'daddy' doesn't want to see them. It would be a horrible thing to put on a young child, in my opinion.

I will speak from my own experience here and say that I figured out something was up when I was 9 or so. (My adoptive father and his family are Filipino; I am as caucasian as they come. I was bound to ask.) It was very good that I'd had all those years to bond with my 'growing-up' dad before receiving this news. It would have been better if my parents had decided to get some counseling for me, as they were divorced and mom was on hubby #3 by this time. All this to say, I was glad my daddy was allowed to be my daddy until I began asking questions.

And children *do* ask questions when they are ready to receive the information/answers they might get.

Your future husband, too, deserves to have his say in this. He is being more of a man than most men would in this situation, and really stepping up to the plate. Consider his feelings in this matter. I would honor his request to let him be Landon's daddy, with no strings for now.

As to when to tell him; I think this is a great discussion to have with a counselor when your son is older. Kids often need help to absorb this information and move through the feelings that may accompany them. I remember myself at that age, and I really needed a lot of support. You will likely benefit from support too.

If you wait until your child is older and cognitively, as well as emotionally, able to really understand all of the pieces of this: that this isn't his fault that his daddy has rejected and abandoned him (because these are very real, hard feelings, no matter if your present daddy is wonderful), that this ISN'T personal (although he might feel at times it was) and that your fiance was not just adopting him along with marrying you, but that he so much wanted to be his daddy-- you are going to give your child the better advantage of having built a strong 'staircase' to support him when a lot of his feelings about his own self are bound to feel challenged. And as I said again, my heart goes out to Val, because he's really doing the best he possibly can within the situation. Waiting will save you all a lot of heartache and let you become a family of your own first, unfettered by the ghost of the father who could care less. He'll get his time, too. But let that be a long, long time from now.

Best,
H.

My mom lied to my brother his whole life about who his father was for the same reasons except my brother was less than 6 mo at the wedding, and she was ashamed. It was okay until he found out on his own, in high school. It has caused sooo many problems from never being able to trust her to years of feeling like he didn't belong without ever being able to explain it. My opinion is that you don't mention it until he is old enough to understand, but be sure to mention it before he is old enough to care. I'd say around 7.

I would almost agree with your fiancee except for one thing. If you don't tell him and he somehow finds out one day (you never know, it could happen) that would be horrible. He would probably be very hurt and feel betrayed. Because of that I think it would be better to tell him. There is a big difference in being a dad and being a father. I would explain it like that, your fiancee is his dad but his biological father is whatever his name is.

Congratulations on your engagement and new baby. Very exciting!