Our 8th grade son, who is almost 14 years old, has become very difficult to be around at home. He is our last child (the older two are in college or working after graduating college), so we are now left with just my husband, myself (the mom), and my son. We have been to two counselors within the past year, and they said that he likely has borderline Aspergers syndrome. We also sent him to a program in Social Thinking last summer for four weeks. It does not seem to have helped him much. The worrisome things are that he is awful at meals ~ will rarely converse and is very critical and sensitive to any mealtime noises, by his dad especially. He also often refuses to communicate about important things such as what classes he was going to take for high school ~ I found this out by logging into his account. He complains about many things he does not like ~ whether it is tonight's vegetable, or a picture I took that he did not like, but does not thank me for anything. On the positive side, he has excellent grades, he is taking part in his school musical and also playing in the school band and going on a tour to southern CA in May. He has a couple of friends that did a science project with him and even invited him to their birthday parties and to their homes over winter break. So, I know that he is going through puberty and this brings out the negative side in most kids in terms of parent/child relationships. I had wanted to get him evaluated to confirm if he has Aspergers, and my husband keeps asking that we get him more therapy. But my son feels he has had enough of therapists and says he will not go. Has anyone had a situation like this, in which your child had a rough patch like this but matured out of it? I am trying to keep him busy with positive activities, minimize mealtime interactions at home for the time being, and take a break from therapy since it did not do much good before. But sometimes his behavior is so bad I think we should still pursue it. What advice do others have, especially if you have or had a child like mine?
Thanks for all of the advice, everyone! For the present, we are holding off on the evaluation. For those who suggested we all get therapy together, that is what we did initially. We definitely need advice ourselves. Thank you for the book suggestions. I have read a lot about teens and about Aspergers and will refer to the book titles you have suggested.
I can't help much but I wonder if he has a snack at a reasonable time before meal time so he isn't starved and can handle the distractions better, something healthy though so there is no sugar spike.
If it were me, I would take a break on sending him to therapy and instead approach it this way:
WE as a family need to work on our communication and WE are all going to counseling. Together. And you can have your own counselor if you want one to talk to alone, son.
Tell, don't ask. Make it clear that *he* is not being worked on, that the family as a whole can improve. This will let him know that you and your husband are willing to be just as 'changeable' as you wish him to be.
At a young age, kids can get to a point where they sense 'they' are the perceived problem. Always being 'worked on' is horrible. I had parents who regularly perceived me as the problem-- the whole family had a problem. Not just me.
To be focused on in this way can be damaging. You have to take into account things like "what might I be doing which makes him clam up?" or "what sorts of things can I do to encourage communication?" If you are only focusing on HIM, everyone loses an opportunity to make things better.
So, that's my advice-- go to counseling as a family. He's not an isolated island of behavior-- give him a chance and a safe place to open up, discuss what's upsetting him and then let the counselor direct him to be more solution-oriented, with all of you working as a team. If you make him go alone just to fix him, you are putting ALL of the responsibility for family interactions on him and it isn't fair.
For what it's worth, a therapist I know told me last week that many therapists have stopped seeing kids, simply because the parents feel only the 'kid' needs fixing, not their entire dynamic. When we treat our kids like the *only* part of the problem that needs to be addressed, we send a very powerful message. And we fail them. Big time.
My older son went through a tough time last year (he's almost 14 now), so this is fresh in my mind. This is going to sound REALLY out of the box but we went on a vacation. Somewhere he wanted, real adventure oriented where we had to team up to "beat the elements". :) Honestly, it was great, we had to work as a team, laughed, talked, shared strategies for working through the problems we encountered etc. It was very much a bonding experience. Do you think something like this would help? It sure changed the dynamics of our home life. Maybe it would help you as well. I wish you the best...
"Has anyone had a situation like this, in which your child had a rough patch like this but matured out of it?"
Um, YEAH. It's called: most teenagers.
Give him consequences for rudeness and pick your battles. Don't try to communicate with him if he doesn't want to. In things that matter, like what classes he is taking, he HAS to communicate. If he refuses, set the consequence in place until he tells you what you need to know.
Choose something that matters to him, usually his social life or technology, and use that as a consequence for rudeness. Once he has his driver's license, the car keys are a good motivator.
It is highly common for teens to act this way. Now you and dad need to set your boundaries and be firm with them. He's allowed to distance himself from you to an extent, but he is not allowed to be rude or combative.
He has friends, does well in school and is active. It doesn't sound like he needs therapy to me. Just some firm boundaries. And yes, he will mature out of it.
p.s. If he complains about the food, send him away from the table and he can eat again at the next meal.
Sounds like a normal 14 year old boy. Why is a counselor trying to label him. Good God he is A 14 year old boy. They are just weird by virtue of their age. Just be there for him. Let him find his way. He will be fine. Tough age. Trust me, I know lol. He is I. The musical, plays I. The band, has good grades. I mean, really, what more do you want from him. Sounds like a great kid to me.
He sounds exactly like my 16-year old son. We have great patches and then we go through periods where I keep reminding myself that this is nature's way of making me let go of him.
I would concentrate on the positive things going on in your son's life, both to yourself and to him. He needs to see that you see that he's doing good stuff, and that you don't just see him through the train wreck that is teenage hormones and confusion. Which isn't to say that you should let him be disrespectful - just pick your battles.
I have to say, there are two things that have significantly improved my relationship with my son. The first is texting (!!). He definitely feels more free to be positive with me in his texts. The other thing that has worked for me with all 3 of my teenagers is to have regular car rides with them (to activities, errands, etc.). Something about being in the car makes it easier for my kids to have good conversations with me.
Good luck!
If he has a biological illness that can be treated with medications where he'll feel better then he needs a mom and dad who will scoop him up and take him to an evaluation so he can get a diagnosis.
With a medical diagnosis he'll be able to get special consideration during test time, if he has trouble paying attention during class-time due to noise or people or even if the lights in that classroom are bothering him.
With an official disability he gets a lot of stuff he won't get as a regular student. With my math disability a professor couldn't really flunk me in a math class. That would mean they didn't work hard enough with me or help me enough. So they would spend the time and try to explain it in a way I could get it. It didn't mean a free ride, it meant the teacher and the school had to put forth the effort to assure my success.
He needs a mom and dad that are on the same page. Find a way to get there with dad. Kiddo is acting like a normal teen in some of the behaviors you've mentioned. He sounds like a good kid actually.
Therapy may not do him any good. For instance, if a teen had diabetes then therapy wouldn't fix his issues or make him "better", it would only help him accept or work through his anger at having something that made him different.
He needs medical intervention and evaluations done by a psychologist that is professionally licensed to do this sort of thing. Not many of them are. For instance, let's say I have my master's degree in psychology and do a reasonable evaluation on your son. I determine he has Asperger's. So you go to the school system and request he have either a 504 plan or an IEP developed so he can get any services they offer or special accommodations such as a separate room for him to eat lunch in if he needs a quieter situation.
They look at my evaluation and it is all professional and detailed with lots of big words and it has "Diagnosis: Asperger's.
They don't see the right letters after my name or the right credentials after my name they don't have to recognize it as an official diagnosis so they don't have to give him anything. SO you have to start over with a real professional that has the training to do this.
Then you get the official diagnosis and set up his program with his team at school. Which would be the teacher, principle, psychologist, special needs teacher if he falls in her jurisdiction, mom and dad, other family that works with him, and anyone that is needed.
At this age I don't think he has a say in whether he goes to therapy or not.
In a few more years you won't be able to force him.
I'm for getting him all the help you can get him now so try a different therapist.
Once he's an adult you can't force him to do anything unless you have him declared incompetent.
Our son is 15 and he can be a bit moody every once in awhile (it's not even once a week) but puberty is never an excuse for bad behavior.
You can force him into the car, drive him to the therapist's office, and force him to sit with the therapist for an hour. But you cannot force him to talk, nor will he benefit from forced therapy.
Honestly, he doesn't sound all that diferent from my daughter at that age, and she is now grown, and a perfectly normal, sociable, responsible young woman.
Yes. But, you as parents are going to need it, too. I teach many students on the spectrum. The ones who are navigating adolescence the best are the ones in which the entire family is participating in therapy.
Even if your son is not on the spectrum, he may be developing poor coping skills (including hypercontrol over diet or withholding information from you to avoid dealing with unpleasant or stressful situations). A therapist can help him to find alternatives.
Get him evaluated, then go from there!
I would check to see if there is a meet-up group in your area for moms of autistics. You should be able to get a lot of helpful imformation through the group. You could also check out autisimspeaks.org for information.
What kind of therapy are you thinking about? Are you thinking autism/asperbers therapy or talking to a psycholigist/psychristist?
There is a new book out called "Brainstorm" that is about how the teenage brain functions. You might want to get it and read it before you make a move either toward more therapy or away from it. It could give you a good gauge on whether your son's behavior is "typical teenage" brain at work or something more.
The borderline-Asperger's diagnosis does complicate things. It seems it's not even a confirmed diagnosis yet. I would want to get confirmation because only then will you start getting help in terms of what to do to make his life better. I would wager that his resistance to any more "therapy" is at least partly resistance to getting a full-on diagnosis that would trigger meds or ongoing therapy, etc. -- In his mind, if you don't .KNOW he's got Asperger's, then no one can try to tie him down to some kind of treatment he doesn't want, and he won't be labeled. But as the adults here, you and your husband can't let him dictate that he will or won't see a doctor -- that's not his call. (You also mention that therapy "did not do much good before" but did he have it long enough for it to have any chance to work? It takes time, lots of it; it also takes the right therapist; was he seeing one with whom he clicked?)
I'd get "Brainstorm" and really read it before moving on, but I'd also schedule whatever you need to finish getting a diagnosis if there is one.
And it is very positive that he has friends, participates in activities, is doing the musical, goes to other kids' homes etc. Those are all good, and be sure to keep encouraging them.
My son is on the autism spectrum, so I've been doing a LOT of research to try to understand how his brain works differently from mine. Based on your question I'm going to make some assumptions.
If he has had undiagnosed aspergers for 14 years, I'm assuming that he's had a tough time in so,e areas for quite a while and they've gotten worse since puberty. This is typical. He has probably felt just a bit more different than most kids for most of his life, and now he's going to therapists, which proves to him that something is wrong with him.
Has he always been chatty at dinner and now he isn't, or is this normal but more noticeable? Has he always had challenges with sounds or textures being irritating and now they're worse?
What are some examples of "bad" behavior?
I know of several blogs by people with aspergers, so click my name and PM me if you like and I will get the info to you so you can both get more of a handle on what he's experiencing.
