Shower Question

Very easy. Ignore the friend's e-mail, and ignore her request to send a gift. Leave them wondering. But simply ignore it.

wow... send a pretty card to the bride and wish her the best and leave it at that. If she cannot understand that you simply can't send $20 for her honeymoon, then maybe you should reconsider the whole "friend" part.

I just going with a BIG HELL NO on this one.

Looking for cash is tacky as it is but TELLING people to send cash is horrible. Send a nice, EMPTY card saying sorry you can't attend. She really doesn't sound like a friend anyway.

If you aren't attending the shower, you aren't under any obligation to send a gift.

I would just ignore it. You rsvp'd - obligation to shower over and done.

chalk it up to tackiness and let it go.

Just give the bride whatever you want to give her. I assume since you are attending the wedding, you will give some kind of gift, since that's what people usually do who attend a wedding.

If you hold a grudge with her for not being there for you for 5 years, then why are you attending the wedding?

I think you need to decide what place, if any, you want this woman to hold in your life, and then move forward from there. I see no reason for you to have a relationship with her or attend her wedding if you are going to hold a grudge against her.

And I'm not saying you shouldn't hold the grudge, I'm just saying if that's how you feel, maybe you should just drop the friendship, and not go to the wedding. Not everyone is worth being friends with.

UGH, HORRIBLE etiquette. If you decline a shower invite, and you attend the wedding, you take a gift to the wedding. Really tacky in my opinion. The honeymoon is the groom's responsibility typically, if he doesn't have the money, fine they can plan something later when there are more funds available. Plenty of people spend their honeymoon at home relaxing or just go to a nice hotel for a night. I think expecting your guests to fund your honeymoon is so completely tacky. Hope the wedding is fun this would have put a bad taste in my mouth personally.

Send her a nice card.

That is justs plain rude for the new BFF to follow up with those who can't make it to send cash.

She obviously was not raised with proper etiquette.

It sounds as if you have been more than generous towards her son. I'd probably end that generousity as well since it appears that it is not appreciated.

However, you are dealing with BFF here and to give bride the benefit of the doubt, she may not know BFF is sending emails/invoices with the invitations. Still.... send no cash, only a card.

I think its tacky too and if I were you id save my money!

Wow!!! I wouldn't even respond to the email. So rude! If the B and G can't afford a honeymoon, don't go on one.

I know it's hard to control yourself! LOL! This is a shower gift for a shower you're not attending. There's still the wedding gift you'll have to purchase!

Bottom line, I just don't like being told how to spend my money especially when it's for gift.

I received a similar email from my SIL after rsvping that I couldn't attend her daughter's 6th grade grad party. It asked if I could please contribute some cash to the computer they were going to be buying for her. I didn't responsd to her first email, but then received a 2nd email asking for money again!!!!! I told her I'd let her know. I did end up sending a very small gift card to Target, keeping in mind this is a family I never receive "thank yous" from, and when I send something in the mail I never hear if they've even received it anyway.

I think it's a bit tacky to email basically asking for your gift/cash whatever. You don't have any obligation to give her a gift or give her cash.

You rsvp'd that you wouldn't be attending and you are not obligated to send anything. In my personal opinion that is very tacky to be asking and hinting for everyone to send cash. If she is your friend she should be completely understanding of your situation. It sound like you were the one who gave a lot more to the relationship that she has, its time she started to reciprocate.

You may have reunited with this woman, but things are not fine. You should clear the air sometime, just not now.

But regarding the gift, it sounds to me like you already answered your own question....

Don't feel bad about not sending anything if you are watching your money - take her to lunch later when you are in a better financial position and talk. And don't take it out on your "old" friend that you dislike her new one.

If you don't feel it's in your budget, then I wouldn't send anything. It's tacky and rude for them to keep pushing the money thing anyway. Next time you talk to her, just apologize for not being able to come and ask her if she had a good turn out. Maybe suggest you two get together for coffee one morning just to keep things civil and comfortable. By no means, don't let the new BFF make you feel guilty:)

A gift shouldn't be an obligatory thing, It's a GIFT! You owe NOONE an explanation. Give what you want to give taking everything into consideration (how you feel, what you can afford, etc.) If that means a card with a nice note or small token, great. I loved all the cards I got when I married and again when I had my daughter! Ignore the Friend. I feel it is RUDE to mention the money thing more than once. Ignoring the rude jester is the politest thing YOU can do. You obviously know how to get ahold of your friend and get a gift or whatever to her. Tell the friend this last part if she mentions it again, otherwise, ignore her.

I dont believe that you are required to send a shower gift if you are not attending it. I would give a gift at the wedding. This girl sounds like she has no class.

Her friend sounds classless. Either that or she is one of those neurotic goal driven types, like she is throwing the shower and her friend will make more money than she is putting out!

Either is unacceptable mind you.

My second wedding there was no shower and I knew I wasn't going to "bring in" more than I "put out" on my wedding reception. That wasn't the point of getting married though is it? The point is you found happiness and you want to share it.

She may want to consider finding a new best friend, that one sounds icky.

I wouldn't send a gift if you are not attending the shower. If you are going to the wedding then yes bring a gift. Nowhere in the rule book does it say that if you are not attending the shower or wedding that you HAVE to send a gift. That is your decision if you wish to do so. But to send you a email asking that you send her a gift anyway is just rude and tacky. I would just ignore the email.

Just send her a congrats card, if you want to and nothing else. Sometimes friends just drift apart, and that is OK. I would not feel obligated to do anything. Obviously, your friend, or her new best friend, are trying to squeeze as much cash out of everyone as possible, and that is very tacky in my book. I mean, what is the next step? Do you think she'll call and request your Mastercard number? haha that makes me laugh. I would decline the party too.

seems to me like her new friend is pretty rude and pushy. I would just ignore her new friend. I dont think you need to send anything. we are sooooooooo materialistic in this day and age, there is no rule that you HAVE to give a gift or money. I wouldnt worry about it.

Hmm, I'm confused on whether the bride IS your friend or not? Despite the tackiness of the email and such, I would still send a card with 20 bucks in it if I cared. It's better than nothing at all, and 20 bucks is 20 bucks.
"Here's for a couple of umbrella drinks while on your honeymoon, cheers, see ya at the wedding."

Ignore the email and buy her a nice card. You owe no apologies or reasons. You're a good friend and you've moved on and accepted her graciously. I wouldn't even worry about it for a second. Good luck!!

Sounds like her new BF is pushy lol. This being her second wedding, and you attended and gave her a gift for the first, it really shouldn't be expected.

You could buy her something small and personal, or not. As long as your friend isn't being the greedy rude one, don't get mad at her. She can't control what this other girl is doing, who is apparently classless!

I would not send anything.
It sounds like she reconnected with you so she could get something.

If you are planning on attending the wedding I assume you are planning on a gift of some sort.

I would also assume that the person sending out the emails is sending then to numerous people at the same time. Some of the people not attending the shower may have asked the question and a group email was the easier way to communicate to the whole group.

If you are planning on attending and taking a gift at that time then just ignore the emails and expect to keep receiving them. Or send a private one back and let her know that you will be bringing your gift to the ceremony. She really should not have to communicate with her any more.

There was a time when I was invited to a wedding reception and I had no money at all. The person had been a youth I had worked with at church. I went anyway and didn't stay long. After about a month I was able to make a gift and send it to her. It was sort of nicer, it came to their house and she was able to open it without all the hoopla going on and she was able to pay attention and notice the gift a lot more. It is not something I would do to others, not giving a gift before the wedding, but in this case it worked out.

Are you attending the wedding? If so, get a wedding gift or give cash then.
I agree--SOOOOOOOO tacky of the hostess. First the hint for money, then the blatant grab. I don't play that.

I would write her back and say that you can't afford anything right now. Tell her that your husband is the one working and you're having issues making your own bills. You wish you could help send her on a honeymoon, but you just can't make it work.

I would also email the bride and let her know that you're sorry you can't send the money that the best friend is asking for, but you don't have any money right now. I would also tell her that you will be unable to attend her wedding. If she emails back and asks why, just tell her you don't like being told you're expected to send money, you're frustrated with the fact that she hasn't been much of a friend and you're done dealing with it. She doesn't sound like much of a friend and you deserve a good friend.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

*hugs*

Wow! That is not only tacky, but rude! Who could blame you for not liking this new friend! I would ignore the request, and not worry for one second! As for the wedding, only you can decide, but I would give what I wanted. If you don't want to give cash, don't. I guess it depends on how much you value this friendship. Is there a chance she would be offended if you don't give cash? If the answer is yes, I would really wonder about the renewed friendship. I also, would not be extravagant in that situation. Gifts are ment to be given AND excepted freely. No strings or expectations. Good luck! :)

It sounds like what happened with my friend. At my wedding she sang so when her and her sister took me aside before the wedding they asked me if it was ok that they didn't give me a present right away since they heard u have a year. I told her don't worry about it your singing at my wedding that's a gift enough. She said oh no we want to give you something. Well a year came and went and not so much as a card from both of them. And she new when my year went by because she had my anniversary cake. So when she got married she did up the whole thing and I didn't know whether to give her cash or not because cash was the real issue she really didn't like giving it but she liked getting it. And it's not that she didn't have the money she would get her nails done the fanciest car and have a hundred pairs of shoes for herself(shop aholic). So I finally decided to give the minimum gift cash at the wedding for the sake of the groom because he didn't know what happened. It was also fun to attend the wedding because it was on that show four weddings. The moral of the story attend the event and give the minimum and she should get the hint.

Rude and tacky to ask for cash. A shower isn't supposed to be for cash, and even for the wedding, it's rude to do so. It's also rude to tell people who have declined where to send their cash. It's also questionable about having a shower and inviting people to a gift occasion when she has had a shower for the previous wedding to which you gave a gift. Only send a gift (whether cash or a present) if you would have sent her a gift as a non-attendee and for a second wedding. Try to ignore the friend, she is ot the bride and you are not obligated to send a gift when you are not attending. You don't need to give excuses or justifications, do what you would typically do and what you want to do for this bride and don't let the new best friend influence your decisions. Good luck

I would actually reply to the email with a page out of and etiquette book, letting her know that what she did is in fact inappropriate.

turn it into a small lession for her!!

I would not send anything. Tacky really.

I have to agree with the new friend being tacky. If you aren't going to the shower ignore the hints. If you go to the wedding and you want to give a gift there is nothing wrong with picking out something thoughtful that is in your budget. If you have been friends a long time you can probably pick something she would like. A registry is nice if it isn't someone you know well but you can pick on your own.

DO not give anything if you are not attending the shower. Give her a toast rack for her wedding, not cash, just to piss her off. It's your choice, not her's.