Sibling Jealousy with New Infant

My son was a little younger than yours when his sister was born, but we made sure he got one on one time with both parents every day. Most of the time with mom it was just playing candyland while sister napped, or reading extra books together before bed. With dad, it was lots of cuddling in the evenings and some extra rough-housing too. We really went overboard with the positive attention, and anytime he helped out with sister (without being asked) or was gentle with her we doled out the praise and sometimes even a special treat like ice cream. We also tried hard not to ask him to do things for her (like going and getting stuff etc). During the day when it was just mom and the kids, I would try to get him set up with an activity (coloring, play dough, or something he doesn't get to do all the time) before sitting down to nurse or bathe or put to sleep etc. Lucky for us little sister was pretty good natured and pretty content to just hang out too, so we were even able to play outside with sister in a bouncy seat just watching. As much as possible I tried to give him my full attention (much to the demise of my house). It seemed to work well for us. Things got much easier when she started walking, then he felt he really could play with her. We do have a special place that big brother can play with certain toys too that aren't sister appropriate, or with things that he doesn't want her messing up. We found that helped with his aggressiveness to her, since it mostly came out when she interrupted something he was playing with. My daughter is now almost 2 and my son and her play together really well, and he is fiercely protective of her. (He doesn't even like it when I put her in time out). Oh yeah, we also make sure at dinner each night we ask him about his day, even though I know everything he did that day since I spend the whole day with him:) We ask questions and engage him in conversation for much of the meal so he feels important. (Also gives him opportunity to discuss something if he is upset etc.) Hope this helps.

My daughter was 4 when her sister was born and I know what you are going through. I think 4 year olds have a hard time recognizing that the baby is a person and not a doll. (Actually that is a problem for a few years yet.) So really emphasize to your son that the baby has feelings. ("Hear how she is crying? She is sad because she needs help." "What do you think she is trying to tell you when she screams like that? Do you think you are hugging her too hard?") I know someone said not to ask him to do things, but 4 year olds like to be helpful (my "baby" is now 4, and it is true for her too). So ask for his help and let him participate as much as possible (even if it doesn't seem like that much help, i.e. holding something for you when you could just as easily put it down). Just don't turn it into a chore he has to do, but something you really appreciate. Also really emphasize how much the baby loves him and looks up to him and thinks he is the greatest. ("Wow, you really know how to make her laugh!" "See how she is looking at you? She thinks everything you do is so interesting.") My daughter also did some of the things you describe, and she and her sister have a great relationship.
Good luck!

Hi!
it is really tough! My boy is 3.5 and my daughter is 16 months. It is actually going much better now, but it has been tough for a while. My son has gotten a lot of time outs, and we always tell him if he is too rough and she cries. If not, we try to ignore it, remember that he does this to get your attention and because he is jealous of course. But also remember that this how life is, you are supposed to get siblings and get some "distance" to your parents. It is natural and it is tough. Also try to encourage him when he does great and tell him he is a great big brother when ever you can! And try to take turns, you are with him, and your husband takes the little one, and vice versa, so that he doesn't always have to hang with his sister. Hang in there!

Dear N.,
Jealousy is such a strong emotion that even as adults we s deal with. I am a mother of three girls. Ten, six and two years of age. I don't feel children understand that emotion yet it's more of dealing with a sudden change in their daily routine. It's so normal for your boy to react in this way. Your new baby has taken your full attention from him and though he may be wonderful to his new sister it's at those times when he acts aggresivily he needs reassurance from you that he is still special too. Praise him when he is being a wonderful big brother but then let him know and show him how and when to be gentle. Try and instill pride in him that he can help with her daily routine and when she goes down for a nap, that is when he should get his one on one. Just remember your doing the best you can.

Yes! My oldest son was exactly this age when he had these same issues. In every way you can you MUST try to give your boy special attention. Have hours/days/times when it is just you and/or your husband and him, without the baby. Lots and lots of verbal attention.

I was too tired, had no support, and many other excuses, but I did not make sure to give my son the extra attention he needed to reassure him about the new baby. It caused me SO MUCH EXTRA WORK, over the years, dealing with the sibling rivalry that lasted until he left home. I could go on and on with a million examples, trying to get you to see how important this is. Just save yourself a TON of work, aggravation and exhaustion later. Give that boy special attention, in every way, as often as possible, go overboard if you have to. I cannot express this strongly enough.

I have heard and read from several sources that a great way to handle these kinds of sibling jealousy issues is to encourage your son to make him feel special about the importance and honor of his big brother role--by "letting" him have special jobs related to his sister. Tasks might include unfolding and holding her new diaper while you change her; helping pick out her clothes; picking out music to play while she nurses; being the one to tell you when she's crying...or any other task that can be solely "his". That way he doesn't feel left out when you pay attention to her, but starts to feel useful and important to her comfort. Also, re: breakfast--he may be really hungry in the morning, so maybe you can give him a little something to chew on while you change her diaper (a little breakfast bar or piece of toast or something) so he'll be better able to wait.