I just want to know if others think it is unreasonable to expect their parents to pack up over 30 years of belongings in one week and move to an apartment. My parents have been talking about moving and have looked into several places and were just told yesterday that they have been excepted in a retirement apartment complex. They will get the keys on Friday and my brother has said he is available only this Saturday to get them moved. When I stated that it seems a bit soon, he stated that I could just do it all then. The offer is only good for this weekend. I am 1500 miles away and my sister had already helped a little a couple months ago. My brother had insisted they should start packing as soon as they started talking about moving 8 months ago and since they hadn't had any definate plans and were told it could take up to 1 1/2 years to get an apartment, they didn't feel any need to hurry. Now both of my siblings are saying that I'm wrong because I haven't done anything. I was planning to go next week even if they had not heard from the place, but that is not good enough. I'm feeling like just staying home, but realize that will only hurt my parents. I just really don't want to make a long trip only to have stupid arguments with my siblings. Anyone else have a crazy family like this?
Thanks for the advice everyone. It's nice to know others go through this too. My brother is the only one close and he has always done next to nothing for my parents. (That is part of the reason they are moving.) My sister is also over 1000 miles away and spent about 5 days with them this summer and my mom was not feeling well while she was visiting, so they did not get much done. For the most part they are in pretty good health and in their 70's so they are not really moving for health reasons. Having just made a major move 3 years ago, I think I am the most understanding about not wanting to live out of boxes while waiting to see what happens.
More than I ever realized until recently :-)
I think you should go, stay positive, do what you can and try to have a good time with people you don't often get to see ... whether you think they're being ridiculous or not.
Any chance you could hire movers to help them? Probably pricey, but something to think about. That would get the job done fast.
We have stress in our family, too, with some people feeling more responsible for aging relatives than other members of the family.
My best advice is to ignore your siblings and go with a gracious heart for your parents, and go when it works for your folks if you can. Just because they got the keys doesn't mean everything has to be moved in one day or one weekend, does it? Let your brother do what he's offered to do-- this is what works for him. Go, enjoy your time with your parents, and if you get any comments from siblings, you can reply "well, I'm here now and helping. I'd sure like to keep this pleasant." Do what you can and remember, in situations like this, there always seems to be the person who moved away a while ago to lead their own life who isn't 'doing enough'.
This is pretty common in situations like this, J.. In a neutral moment with your siblings, it may help to ask if they are feeling overwhelmed by requests for help from your parents. You don't say how old they are, however, I know from some situations that aging relatives can ask a LOT of their adult kids and think nothing of it. I don't know if that is a part of it for them, but I do know in my family it has created some animosity between the adult children who stayed to care for the parents/grandparents and those who chose to move. Just some perspective.
I'd look at it this way. If your parents are fairly young and capable, the move should be mainly their problem and they have had plenty of time to prepare. A year and a half was a possibility and sounds like the longest. Eight months is about half that. Not like it was a month. My parents were in their mid and late 70's when they moved but still capable and handled their move themselves for the most part. If your parents are older and not very capable, I'd bet your brother and maybe sister are called upon to help fairly often while you're excused bc you're far away. And now you're criticizing. I moved far while my sister is very close to my parents which means she has to deal with their needs and I don't. So I don't question anything she does or doesn't do for them. I bet she would get resentful and mad if I did. Also, as people have said, the move very likely doesn't need to be done in one or even two days. Let your brother help when he can. That's nice of him. Then you go help when you can.
Have your brother do as much as he can on Saturday. Go out to help with the rest. Hire movers - they can pack for you too.
Sounds like your brother and sister live close so maybe they do a fair amount for your parents and you can't do much? 8 months is pretty long I think. Have your parents done any purging or they ignored your siblings and now your siblings have to rescue them? You do t say how old your parents are. Have they not been capable of preparing? Either way, can't your brother help,with the big stuff and necessities this weekend and then you go back to their current place later and get the rest, throw stuff out etc? Unless they also have to be completely out of their current home this weekend, not everything has to be done in one day. Or hire movers so your brother doesn't have to do it. Not sure it should be all on him. Why not tell him to skip it, hire movers in a couple of weeks when they've had time to prepare and you fly out then to help the day of the move and next day.
No it's not reasonable to expect your parents to pack up over 30 yrs of belongings and move in a week. Communicate with your siblings and let them know that your brother move as much as possible of the essentials on Saturday and then you'll go next week and help your parents with the rest.
It's crazy right now because everyone is feeling stressed by your parent's move. Since no one really helps on a regular basis you are all looking at each other to step up and do more right this minute.Knowing that you are all feeling this way for a reason is the first step at seeing why everyone is lashing out. Don't make it more than it is by taking it so personally. One day your parents won't be around and you don't want your relationship with your siblings to be horrid.
I can see both sides.
No, it's not reasonable to expect anyone to pack up 30 years worth of stuff and move in one week. That's alot of work, especially given their ages.
BUT if they've been looking to move, they really should have started packing long ago. You don't have to live out of boxes, but I would bet that there is a TON of stuff they don't use on a regular basis that could have, and should have been packed up over the last several months.
Your brother does not want this to take up weekend after weekend while they slowly pack up one box at a time. I can understand that. He's saying either sh(( or get off the pot. They've been "on the pot" much too long.
I suggest your parents plan on taking the basics while brother is available.. and next week you pack up whatever else they want to take to the new place. Anything left over, your parents can pack up as they can.
This another service I help people with in my new business. Clearing out homes, helping people downsize.. ect.
Usually I go in and tag the items the people are going to keep and take with them to their new place. I tell them to "treat their home like a store where everything is free". To pick their favorite items and their best.
The best bed, the best set of mattresses, the best pieces of furniture (that will fit) their favorite art The best set of pans.. etc.. Their clothing that they know for sure they will wear for the next year..
The rest is up for grabs.. Anyone in the family is free to help themselves and the rest can be donated. Remember all of the donated items can be written off of their taxes. There are some charities that will send a crew to pack up all of the stuff and haul it away.. Here in Austin we have a group called the Settlement home.. They will do this.
Some people will hold a Whole House Garage sale and sell everything left over.. And then donate the rest. It is a great way for people to pay YOU to haul it away. Remember you are trying to get rid of it.. not make a bunch of money off of it. It is cheaper than hiring a crew.
Plan to go out next week. I can guarantee there will still be tons of work for you to do.
So they get the keys to the new place. I find it hard to believe the current place needs to be vacant the same time. In other words, your parents will have an overlap.
The big stuff is easy for strong guys. The time consuming stuff is packing all the little odds and ends and emptying the current home completely.
I can see both sides, so there's no reason to argue about it. Also, my only sibling died from cancer at only 39 years old, so I'd give anything to be fighting with him about how to handle my parents aging, vs. going it alone...
Perhaps your brother is annoyed that your parents have done nothing in all this time (not packing per se, but purging stuff or passing it on to other family members so there was less to pack now when it's needed), or maybe he just doesn't like feeling that he HAS to deal with everything, since he's the only one who lives close. Whatever it is, acknowledge his feelings and work out a solution, or just move on without his help. No hard feelings.
I agree it's hard to imagine packing over 30 years of belongings in one week, but that's what movers are for. Hire a crew to pack their belongings for them and it will be done in ONE DAY. Seriously, I've moved several times and I'll never pack myself again. You can add packing and un-packing to the cost of a move for less than $600 (this includes the boxes, all sized to fit a moving truck), or hire out a crew to just pack your parents stuff and have your brother move them for even less. These crews that pack your goods do an amazing job too. They're liable for anything that breaks so they're more careful with your stuff than you can imagine.
My last thought is this, just because they take possession doesn't mean they have to move in this weekend. You could help them pack everything next week, hire a crew to pack up the moving truck and unload on the other end. Or hire the packers to pack everything, take your brother's offer of help to pack the truck and then you can help them unpack and purge next week when you arrive.
Take your brother out of the equation if you want to, just don't hold a grudge if this is what you decide to do. It won't help anything... If he tries to pick a fight about when/how/why, just say you've worked it out with mom and dad, and there are no hard feelings. Let him know what you're doing and if he's able to help in your timetable, that's great, you'd welcome some help.
Good luck!
Your very last sentence… Yep. Just because they get the keys on Friday do they have to move so quick? I could see another week to pack, then move. And if the move is a short distance, hiring movers wouldn't be an extreme expense.
Sorry if I repeated anybody else's thoughts, I didn't read down.
Families are difficult. Everyone has their own ideas about the way things should be done. Since you seem like the compassionate one, go and help your parents as soon as you can. Try to be supportive, be there for them and don't worry about your siblings, parents are gone too soon.
