Sibling Rivalry, Any Advice? I Need to Get a Handle on This Now...

The more attention they get FOR causing a fuss, the more they'll do it. If children can't get noticed for being good, they'll act up to get noticed.

Boy, I know the disharmony caused by bickering, fighting siblings can be nerve-racking!
I found the book, "Siblings WithOut Rivalry" to be extremely helpful in building healthier relationships among my children as well as for effectively responding to conflicts.
Hope that helps!

S.

I was told this by a doctor that my kids see so I hope it helps you out. My doctor told me that when they start doing this turn everything off especially the tv and start humming really loud. do not make any motion toward the children and do not talk. Take one child by the hand and put in a confined area and then tell that child that you are fixing your problems today and when she or he can fix theirs they can rejoin the family. then get the other child that was involved in the conflict and do the same thing. I have seen a big difference in my two girls when I do this so I hope you have the same luck. It does take some time but when the see that you mean business they stop. Good luck!

Perhaps you can get them to work out their own squabbles--learn to negotiate (without you having to step in as judge). "You can play with Princess Barbie for 10 minutes, and then I'll get her for 10 minutes." That sort of thing. It'll take work--like everything else from potty-training to making them clean their room, but you will reap the rewards.

Hi S.!
For my girls ages 11 & 8,and my son (6) I emphasize how special they are to each other. That God picked them to be each other's sibling and how precious that is. This is a hard thing and one that will only be won by perseverance. Somehow, you have to pick and choose your battles. They are learning important life lessons about dealing with others. They need leadership and guidance from you as how to best achieve that goal. Of course, they don't know that's what they're doing, but you do. For me, I let them work it out as much as possible. But, if ugly words are involved or violence of any sort, momma steps in. That is just unacceptable. I am also teaching them about grace and mercy. They have yet to grasp the true concept of the golden rule. I have tried lots of tactics-but what works best for me is to separate them, and tell them to think of the good things about their sis/bro. Then they have to tell them. They always have to apologize, then the hurt party has to say they forgive the other. This teaches them respect. Which is the real issue your momma heart senses. Let them know that it hurts your heart that they would be ugly to each other and that you need an apology as well. Then, life goes on and we handle another one another hour, another day. Keep in mind, they are sometimes fighting for position and individually remind them how special they are to you and your husband. It's also okay to celebrate each one's uniqueness from time to time. Keep the faith, Mom! Ask for God's grace and persevere! You can do it! God Bless.

I just read a great book called Siblings Without Rivelry. I HIGHLY recommend it!

Don't allow it, Turn everything off. make them stop and punish them. No tolerance for fighting, they are family and have to be good to each other. It only gets worse if you let it go.

I have twin boys who are 4 and a 2 year old girl. The boys this past year seem to be fighting with each other a whole lot more. I even had one of their teachers tell me that Spencer had told Eric that he was tired of being together all of the time. I got pretty tired of yelling at them and separating them so often too. In our case we think that they are trying to get our attention since my husband and I both work a lot. We finally decided to try giving them a little more control by assigning them "days". Hence, Spencer has a day and Eric has a day. On Spencer's day, he gets to pick which cup he wants, where he wants to sit in the car, what book to read, etc. On Eric's day he gets to do the same. It has helped us tremendously in that they don't fight about the little things that much anymore. They know that they'll get a chance to go first the next day. It also seems to help them talk it through more for some reason when they get mad at each other. I think this way they feel "special" on their day. They know that they still have to work through things because obviously them having a "day" doesn't carry through to school or anything. We have also talked about trying to spend some one-on-one time with them individually. On Saturday mornings I might take Eric out to breakfast and then the next weekend Spencer will come with me. We haven't actually done this yet, but I think that will help them feel more like an individual. When they start to fight/pick/bicker with each other constantly, I will take away their days and I will make all of their decisions because they "aren't acting as though they can handle making simple decisions". This helps a lot too. When I have to make their decisions for them, I tend to pick their least favorite cup/book/movie etc. We still will also separate them sometimes into different rooms and they have to use nice words/voices in order to get a toy from the other room or something. They always need to apologize and explain to each other what they did that wasn't appropriate. It has helped all a little bit with some of the smaller things (at least until Sarah gets old enough to want a "day" too). :)

I am the mother of two young boys, who thankfully haven't started the rivalry too much yet.

However, I grew up with two younger sisters and we were all pretty close in age. Whenever we would begin bickering or picking fights my mom would send us into a room together. We were allowed to play, talk, ignore each other...do whatever--the only rule was we weren't allowed to come out until we could get along.

Our experience, and we still laugh about it now, is that we would eventually come around and rather than being in the room mad at each other it would give us a common ground and we would begin to play and talk about things. Of course, this method only works if you're confident things won't turn violent.

Hopefully this helps, it really allows the girls to work things out themselves and takes the pressure off of you to resolve their conflicts for them. It also doesn't give nonsense bickering the attention that it often is looking for, which helps to discourage attention seeking behaviors in the first place.

Good luck!

I think thats about normal. My older siblings are 8 yrs and 4 years ahead of me and I have a twin. When we fought, my parents made us hug each other for "a long time", I cant tell you how many minutes because I was little and 15 minutes felt like a year! or we would have to stand nose to nose and not say anything. After said amt of minutes, we had to apologize and say something nice about one another. It cut down on the fighting quite a bit as you could imagine. I hope I gave you some ideas. Good Luck!

Hugs!!! LOL I make my kids hug each other until they calm down. At first I have to take their arms and put them around each other, and I make them stand like that for a few minutes until they start giggling and laughing, and then they have to apologize to each other. With twin boys that are constantly fighting, and a sister that's 1 yr older and claims they "get more attention", well... things can get pretty loud and crazy around here. hehe I consider myself lucky that so far we have only had 2 stitches and one broken elbow with all the fighting that goes on around here. Often ties i have to remind myself... "This too shall pass". Sibling rivalry will ALWAYS be there, but eventually they will learn to appreciate each other.

hey, have you tried taking the girls to an outdoor actuvity where they need eachother in order to get thru. something like rock climbing for little ones. something where if they don't do it together with no help from mom and dad, maybe a stranger then they would have felt that they accomplished something together and realize that they need one another. will the fighting stop? no their sisters. they're gonna constantly argue, but let a thrid party come in and mess with one of them, you'll see the sisterhood bond in a second. hope it works out well. isay this because i have a 10 and 2 year old and the 10 yearold was hating on the baby so i started taking them places where they needed to watch each other. i started with monkey joes and told the 10 she had to go with her in the bounce houses, as soon as someone started jumping too close to the baby sisterhood kicked in. stand back and let the baby watch..

I feel your pain. I have a 6 yr old son and a 4 yr old daughter and they fight all the time. My sister and I fought a lot (we are 4 years apart) but I though it would be easier with different sex kids. I figured they wouldn't fight over clothes and stuff. They find other stuff instead. I send them to their rooms to give me a little peace and quiet. I would love some tips in this area too.

hi S. i have 2 boys 2/4 i know when my brother and i were younger and fought like that my mom would make us sit on the couch for hours on end and hold hands everytime we fought.. well needless to say we got tired of sitting on the couch all the time so we learned to get along surer we still fought but we always appligized and seperated ourselfs from one another. also try telling your oldest 2 that there little sister looks up to them and everything they do shes going to do and there may be a time when she does somthin shes seen them do and get very hurt , they might give it a second thought bout what they do and even might cut back on the fighting..well i hope this helps

J. k

There is a wonderful chart out there that we used with our children called the If Then Chart...http://www.doorposts.net/if_then.asp With this you list the negative behavior, a Bible verse that discusses it, and then the punishment. That way you are not trying to come up with something off the top of your head and it helps with consistency. There is also a Blessing Chart that is extremely helpful. It focuses on the good behavior http://www.doorposts.net/blessing.asp instead of always the not so good behavior.

I also agree with one of the moms that said to put limits on what you allow to be said. No hateful talk, no physical responses, try & focus on the positive.

Best of luck to you!

Hi!
I have three girls that are just about the same age as yours 8/6/2(in a couple of weeks)- and a four year old boy.
Talk about drama queens!!! Anyway, here is what we do to help curb their attitudes (aside from the most obvious forms of discipline): We do not allow hateful talk (i.e."I hate you", and "stupid", etc), we do not allow a jealous attitude to stew, we do not dwell on negatives, and we do not talk to them like one is better than the other. Also, we do not allow fighting and stop it QUICKLY. We did this with our older two children, and even though they still have some likes and dislikes about each other, they generally help each other out, are loving, kind and thoughtful to others.
I can, generally, pick up on when one is tired or hungry because they tend to complain, and whine more. Thus, we divert a lot of potential negative attitudes.
Our little one's need constant guidance so nothing is a "quick fix". It's training. Always training.
Have fun and hug them TONS!!!

I also have three daughters & understand your frustration. I am in the middle of a study called Creative Correction by Lisa Welchel (Blair from the Facts of Life). It has been very helpful for our family. She has both a book and a study by the same title. I highly recommend it as a resource for any kind of discipline/parenting issues that arise.

God Bless!
K.

My kids are too young to start fighting yet (I don't look forward to it!). But, I think the book "Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is excellent. It is readily available at the library and they even have an audio version.

Good luck!

S., my kids are 12 and 7. They bicker and pick at each other alot. I've found that time apart works great. Scheduling one of the older girls to sleep over at a friend's house should do the trick. You can spend quality time with the others or have dad take one so each gets 1 on 1 time with a parent. Doing something they're interested in will work wonders for them as well as break the tension in the household. We pulled it off just this weekend! My husband and I watched old baby/toddler videos with our son and told him how precious he is to us and important he is to our family. We also took the opportunity to tell him what we've always loved about him...his good heart, friendly disposition, and his cuteness, of course! He wanted to hug himself! It gave us all a chance to slow down and recharge. Hope this helps!