I am trying to figure out what's going on with my little boy (age 4). Last year in preschool, his teachers raised some concerns that he wasn't fully engaged in class. He tended to hang out by himself or the teachers and seemed a little anxious around other kids. We had him tested by the local Early Intervention and a developmental pediatrician. All the formal ASD tests came out negative but we were given an IEP for delays in social development.
Now, I can't put my finger on it but I still wonder if something is indeed going on with him. He's generally very happy in school but isn't very social, to the extent the other kids are. He'll walk into class every morning but instead of heading straight to the free play area, will tend to hang around where he doesn't have to interact with his classmates. He'll occasionally try and chat them up -- "I came by scooter today. Do you have a scooter too?" or some such thing. But usually he'll never get any answers and he'll give up. He does express an interest in other kids. For instance, he knew the names of all his classmates the first day of school, knew who was sad to leave Mommy etc. But very rarely do I see him engaged in spontaneous play with a lot of conversation with other kids. He'll play tag or chase or build something but that's it.
He does really well with structured activities, even if they involve a lot of sharing and back and forth. There are no behavior issues at home or elsewhere. He is very verbal but his language is not very emotionally mature. So he rarely says he's sad or angry. He just seems happy all the time. Oh, and he's really good with numbers, is already reading and has an exceptional memory.
Does this sound like something we should be concerned about or just wait and see. The social issues worry us. We didn't grow up here, so we have no idea what school is like. Sorry for the long post.
Are you an extrovert? If so maybe you just don't understand an introvert (which is what he sounds like).
Does he have lots of opportunities to play with other children outside of school? Try setting up playdates and see how he does. Maybe he will feel more comfortable playing one on one. Or join a playgroup so he will have more opportunities to interact in a group setting, but with you there to support him. Some kids just need to develop one close friendship, others will be friends with everyone.
Just want to second all the suggestions that your son is probably just an introvert. There's a huge difference between being an introvert and having AS (which I have, so I'll try to comfort you a bit.)
AS people, in general, have NO interest in being around other people. I mean, I could REALLY care less. I spend time with my husband and my children, and I go to church for my own reasons...and that's really it. On the rare occasion that someone DOES invite me somewhere, I tend to avoid it.
AS is also a lot about having no empathy. I'm not sure how else to put it. Theoretically, I don't feel "bad" for people, or "sad" when I see something I know is supposed to make me sad, etc...I've spent many years learning the appropriate responses to social situations so that I don't seem like a total jerk. I have a friend with AS who was homeschooled and whose mother didn't bother to teach her any social graces, and she says really offensive things...they're usually the truth...but that's the difference. I learned when not to say what's on my mind.
Really, though...your son sounds fine. :) Just a quiet guy! For him to notice which children were sad to leave their mothers, alone, tells me he doesn't have AS.
It sounds like your son is highly intelligent and knows how to interact in the world in a way that suits him just fine. We need to be very careful as parents about creating a picture of how we think our children should be. If there aren't any clear and obvious issues: severe acting out, depression, crying a lot, lack of any emotion, obsessive attachment to things, failure to thrive, etc. then allow for the space for your son to figure out how he best fits in the world.
As the other moms have mentioned, he may just be more introverted. That is not a disorder or a lack of any kind. It also sounds like he is really intelligent. I have very intelligent and creative children also and they often didn't hang around the average kids because they were just not interested in that way of being.
Instead of focusing on fear/worry that something might be wrong, shift to focusing on all the incredible things he does. Even if he has some social deficits (but don't we all if you really stop to think about it) it doesn't mean there is something wrong. It simply means that is a place that he gets to learn how to problem solve and be creative. Instead of trying to fit him into the box of how others are, allow him to find those that are like him.
Your son sounds rather intelligent and observant. Emotionally, he sounds secure and loved.
Not everyone needs to be playing with someone at all times. I ditto that he's more introverted at this point in his life and it is a pattern that might or might not change.
Socially, his scooter question is extremely mature in that he asked another person about themselves. That focus on others takes some time to learn. Generally, at this age, kids are focused on just themselves. So the common question of "Do you want to play with me?' Really turns into will you play what I want to play, and if not, I'll find someone else.
Sounds to me like your son is a classical introvert - more comfortable interacting with one person or a small group at a time than with the joyful chaos that is a preschool class in full swing. It's not that he is unaware of social situations or unable to empathize (the kind of problem that requires a diagnosis) - he is easily overwhelmed by large groups and finds that the kinds of interactions that happen in these settings take a lot of energy from him. Also, he is trying to interact with his peers in conversation, while they are still interacting mainly through active play. I'd say it's they who are not sufficiently developed to handle his type of interaction, rather than the other way around. His personal style is not a syndrome! It is, however, relatively rare in his age group.
A child who is on the spectrum often has trouble recognizing the importance of social interactions or identifying the emotional cues of others. Based on what you've said, this is NOT your son.
Ask his teacher what she can do to help your introverted little guy more comfortable in his class and more willing to engage in group play. Treat it as a skill to be learned rather than as a deficiency to be made up for. And do not push him - introversion is not an illness. It is, however, a personality trait that is undervalued in our society.
It also sounds like you and your husband probably aren't introverts, which is why your son's behavior seems odd to you. Please stop worrying about this. I'm an over-the-top extrovert married to an introvert, and also mother of one, and around that same age, I did need to remind myself that my son being different from me in the way he handled other people was just that - a difference. Nothing more.
He.seems.fine.
When a kid is more shy, people tend to over worry and flip out. Because, people generally "expect" kids to be all extroverted. But they are not.
And its okay.
Your son seems fine.
I have 2 kids who are now 6 and 10. They have done things that your son does. Because, when younger, my kids were on the shy side. Not all kids HAVE TO go to the free-play ares at school. My kids didn't. They did what they wanted to do. Fine. Kids are not robots. Each child is different. Shy or gregarious. Introvert or extrovert. Fine. But know, your child for who he, is.
But if he is needing help with social development, is he really delayed or just a tad? Is it just his maturity or just his age? He is only 4. Kids that age are not rocket scientists about socialization.
Most kids, when young, do like structured activities. That is why "schools" have schedules & routines etc.
You said he has no problems or behavioral issues but just seems immature. And he is really good at math and reading.
And his assessments for ASD, came out negative.
And he was not diagnosed as anything else. Nor Asperger's nor, PDD nor PDD-NOS.
So your son seems fine but may be a bit immature. Socially. MANY kids are.
And he doesn't engage in spontaneous play... with other kids, like you expect. Well, he seems fine. Not all kids are spontaneous. I know lots of kids like that. But they are "normal" and not anything per diagnosis. They just have, a different personality, than most more common kids.
Try teaching your son to be himself. He seems fine to me.
My kids did things like that when younger. And nothing is "wrong" with them. Their teachers would always tell me my kids are "shy..." etc. but there is nothing wrong with being shy. And I would TELL THEIR Teachers, that.
My kids were shy when younger, but are not now. And they are very "wise" socially and they are observers. Unlike most, kids.
AND my kids... are really good at knowing themselves. Not all kids are. They know themselves, they are not followers, they have friends and choose wisely and are normal kids. They just have their OWN personality. Kids are not all the same.
Your son does interact with other kids. Just not in the way that you think he should.
Not all kids, make a lot of "conversation" with other kids.
Kids this age do NOT have conversational skills nor like adults.
I really think, your son is just being himself. And he is not gregarious nor extremely extroverted nor so "impulsive" as other kids his age or as you expect him to be. Looked at in another way: you say he does not play "spontaneously" with other kids. BUT... at the same time, your son is NOT IMPULSIVE nor has Impulse Problems... like most kids.
So, I would be happy.
Let him be himself.
Teach him to be himself and to know himself and be proud, of himself.
That will make him self-assured.
My kids, though shy when younger and similar to your son, they are VERY self-assured kids. And really are secure with themselves.
I also have a Cousin, that was a LOT like your son, as a child. But his parents always believed in him and nurtured their son per HIS individuality and talents and proclivities, and his parents always saw his talents, not his inabilities. And you know what? There was never ever anything "wrong" with him. And today, he is a highly intelligent, successful Director and Producer in theater. And he has LOTS of friends, has LOTS of success, and has a family & kids too. He is such a well adjusted person and so socially successful, you'd never know... that at a child, he was JUST like your son. And most importantly, he is a very self-assured adult. And well adjusted.
To me, your son is just FINE and he does not have worrisome social issues.
Teach your son to be himself and to know, himself.
That is one of the greatest gifts, a child can have.
I'm an introvert. I was the only kid, I think, that didn't like free-play time. I did great with structured activities and "real school" things. I've struggled with some aspects of interpersonal skills and making friends over the years. I wish my parents and teachers had been more aware of this and known more about personality types. Back then, I was just labeled "shy" and that was that.
His personality doesn't sound like something to be concerned about, but to be aware of. He may benefit from some instruction about how to interact, some help understanding how other kids are, and some practice through play time outside of school with one other kids or a small group.
That's his personality...embrace and accept it. That is what he needs. He sounds like a fabulous little boy who just isn't very outgoing. That is ok! He is happy, he is learning and thriving.
On a side note, there is a little G. in my daughter's class that has not spoken ONE word all year. You know what, that's just who she is. She has connected with my daughter and her mother asked if we could get them together. The first two times she didn't utter a sound but they managed to have a great time. My daughter is very accepting of who people are and I think this G. was drawn to her. She still hasn't spoken at class but she sure does when we have our weekly outings to the farmer's market.
Maybe try asking your son who likes some of the same things as him ans connect with that parent. Not everyone needs or wants lots of social interaction. I'm one of them, my husband ans daughter are definitely not. It takes all kinds to make the world go round.
You sound like a wonderful, attentive mama...keep up the good work!
An extrovert talks in paragraphs, if you're not an extrovert you won't have any idea how to follow their conversations because they keep changing topics during their long 100 word sentences.
It's often an extrovert who is a bad witness on the stand in court. They talk and talk and talk then the last sentence or two they say everything they meant, it's almost like summarizing what they said for the last 5 minutes in one short concise sentence.
An introvert likes being alone while doing activities, they don't want to "be" alone, they just enjoy spending time not engaging in incessant chatter.
"Is Your Child an Introvert? A Quiz":
http://www.justmommies.com/articles/introverted-child.shtml
"Raising An Introvert in an Extrovert World":
http://www.parents.com/kids/development/shy/raising-an-in...
More for an older child but some good common sense information:
http://tweenparenting.about.com/od/relatingtoyourtween/a/...
I don't necessarily agree with all their advice but a couple of the suggestions are something I would try. I don't think there is anything wrong with being an introvert, hubby is one to the extreme and I am an extrovert to the other extreme, but if one of the grand kids were having what "I" thought was a hard time I do think that team sports and a performance art might be something I would sort of force on them just so they'd be better at being in front of people when they got older.
http://www.magforwomen.com/5-tips-to-help-introverted-chi...
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A native american friend told me once that she believed each of us are born with one of two personality styles. One is a warrior and one is meek.
My friend told me she is a warrior inside and that her hubby tends to be a meek. She also said that didn't mean he was a doormat. That he just had a different way of getting what he wanted.
This past week hubby and I showed how we are different in our styles about getting what we want too.
We need to purchase something and have been waiting nearly 2 weeks for a man to get back from a funeral. I think he lost a parent so of course it was hard and he had to be gone for a while. BUT! This is a business, what if the man himself had been in an accident or incapacitated. They had no idea if the item I needed was even available. I kept calling every 3-4 days trying to find out if they had found ANYONE that might know the answer. The office person had called the Corp of Engineers for our county, no one knew anything, she had called other Board members, NO ONE had any idea. ONLY this one man knows anything about this item.
I got the answering machine the last time "I" called and I had just about had enough. (I talk to answering machines like they are people so the person I am calling knows what I am calling about). Anyway, I told her that they were running a business and that more than one person in the whole business needed to know about this item, they manage one of the largest counties in the state and they should have each of the items on a computer log somewhere and anyone should be able to access this information that works there. I also told the answering machine that they needed to rearrange how they did business so this didn't happen again.
I told hubby I was not calling back because I didn't want to burn any bridges since we really really really needed that item. I didn't want to make them so mad they said no even if they had one just so I couldn't have it.
He made time the next day to go to the office and visit with her in person.
We got a call the next day that we did indeed get the item we needed for over 3 weeks.
He handled it in a nice meek way and did apologize for me. She was very understanding and was not upset with me. BUT it could have gone very differently.
That's how being a warrior or a meek can be advantageous if each person is allowed to use their communication style to the best of their ability.
From what you describe I wouldn't be concerned personally. Every one is different. Some kids want to be the center of attention, some prefer to observe. Both are normal. As long as he is happy (yes) and has the ability to communicate and join in appropriately (yes) I think it's okay. Maybe the class isn't the best place for him to connect. Maybe he does better 1-1. Ask who he likes best from class and see if you can have a playdate with that child. Other than that, he does have an IEP, so what does that say? I would go by what the specialists who assessed him thought.
He sounds fine to me. I do think that he might benefit from a social skills playgroup at a psychologists office though. Is he an only child? He reading at 4...wow!
Sometimes... sometimes... the problem is not with the person... the person who thinks deeply, is highly intelligent, is compassionate, but is not gregarious... but rather, the problem really is with the rest of us - children in the child's world - adults in the adult world - who do not accept and celebrate the other person for the person he/she is. We ignore the quiet ones, dismiss the awkward ones, ridicule the ones who aren't "hip".
I am not saying we should ignore our gut instinct that something is wrong. It is just that what you have described sounds like such an awesome little boy who is just not that gregarious. He sounds serious, polite, understands social give and take, intelligent on multiple levels. Such serious, intelligent, kind young children sometimes really do have issues with the more physical, aggressive, other children. My little girl was that way. She was eventually evaluated at the school for possible social immaturity, in situ, and actually found to be MORE socially mature than her peers!
That is not to say my little one didn't have problems. Unlike your happy son, my daughter often wasn't. Like your son, she was very verbal, but could not really articulate what she was feeling. Turns out, I think an adults would have been hard-pressed to articulate it. We did put her into Expressive Arts Therapy which did help that. But her initial problem was not "psychological" nor "emotional". We spent years in the "mental health" world, but her problem was NOT lack of "mental health." (for more, see: http://goo.gl/oSIsq)
Oh my gosh, he sounds like my 8 year old. I had ALL of the same concerns and wondered what I could do different to make him more outgoing and play with other kids more. I always questioned his actions, reactions, etc, etc. and lost so much sleep over it. Long story short, we ended up having him evaluated and he didn't have any neurological issues, but ended up being gifted. There is a long list of personality traits that go along with giftedness. Look up "gifted personality traits"... He sounds VERY gifted. Remember that he can pick up on what you're feeling and questioning. Hang in there and embrace your non cookie cutter kid :)
Just sounds shy to me.
It sounds like wait and see to me. The way kids act in preschool is not a blueprint for how they will act the rest of their life. I remember being pretty shy and preferring solo play at that age, then actually making a friend in first grade (A friend, one!) And not really being fully outgoing til about 3rd grade. Not all kids are going to be extremely outgoing and boisterous and social (thank goodness!) If he likes structured activities he is probably less comfortable with free time which is why he hangs back.
My 5 year old is not one to go out and I try to engage with others either at this point. Too shy. What helps is making play dates. Get your kid one-on-one with some of the boys from class for an hour or two at your home or the park (be ready to provide an activity) and that should help him feel more connected to kids in his class.
You can take your son to a pediatric neurologist; developmental-behavioral pediatrician; child psychologist or psychiatrist for a neuro-psychological evaluation. It's the same eval done by the schools BUT it's done by specialists and they also will do physicals and in-depth face-to-face interviews and they're much more specialized. Plus if they do discover something, enough to form a diagnosis or diagnoses, it will trump whatever evaluation the school did. So be sure to get an independent evaluation. Your insurance should cover it, or cover most of it.
Hi, T.:
He's 4 years old!
You are very observant of your child.
Enjoy learning about your child and appreciate his
uniqueness. What are your expectations for your child?
Do you want to have label for him?
Enjoy him.
Good luck.
D.
Sounds like he doesn't have a lot in common with the other kids. I suspect he is quite intelligent and may already feel "different" from the typical 4 year old. Try getting an IQ assessment. It is unfortunately common for exceptionally bright children to be misdiagnosed with ASD because they don't "click" with their age-mates. You can find some interesting information along those lines at www.sengifted.org . Don't be surprised if the teachers and Early Intervention team don't quite understand. Good luck to both of you!
If anything he might be delayed in language expression. However, I don't think he has anything to worry about. If you are concerned, I woud have the school test him to see if he would require an IEP for language and social development.
Is he enrolled in any outside activities or playdates with other kids?
I found that to be helpful with my own son. He has a speech and language delay, and had some difficulties socializing with other kids at that age. He has a learning disability and utilizes an IEP to help with weaker areas in school.
At almost 9, his social skills and speech are in the average/normal range. Language is still a little behind, but much better. Your son sounds alot like mine was at 4. Time and some school support will help.
No, I don't believe your son has Asberger's. I know for me, I was worried about all kinds of things when my son was younger. Especially his speech and language. If he has an IEP, I would talk with his teachers about your concern for his language, and ask them what they could do to help him make progress in this area.
