Single Dad, Daughter Asking Questions..

I would tell her that her mother is/was not able to take care of her.
Do not feel that you must have an explanation or an answer for her everytime she brings up the subject of her mother.
It would probably be better if she would not see her perhaps until she is an adult, if even then.
Later on you might be able to say that her mother has a mental illness that prevents her from being a good mother.
If you say, "You will..." you are only reminding her to ask you again and again.
It is ok for you to say "No, not at this time..." and keep repeating it as necessary.
Best wishes.

In my opinion I think that you send wait to tell her the truth about her mother. That's good that you do not portray her mother in a negative light verbally to the child. But if she's asking about her mother then keep telling her that she will one day see her again but tell her that she abanded her.

There is nothing wrong or deceitful about telling her that she is SICK.....SHE IS. You can just explain that you want her mommy to get better so that they both will enjoy the time they spend together. Nothing wrong with that answer.

You could always tell her the truth, or at least a 3 year old version of it. Telling her that she will see her mom when in reality that isn't going to happen right now just gets her hopes up and at 3 she has no concept of eventually, you say she's going to get to see mommy then you mean right now not in a few months or years. I would suggest that you tell her that for whatever reason you are comfortable with that she can't see mommy right now but once mommy gets better or whatever she'll get to see her. She can understand that her mom is sick, and she can understand that her mom is seeing a doctor to get better, and she should be, and that once her mom is better she'll get to see her, and as she gets older and starts asking more questions ou can elaborate on what you've already told her, the most important thing you can ever give your child is good open and honest communication it's the only way you'll ever get it back from them when they are older. good luck.

My sons dad, although no health issues, is in the reserves army. Just recently joined. Until then, he would see my son on a regular basis and then not see him for a few weeks and then see him again. He often blamed work, his fiance, or me not reminding him that he was suppose to get his son. My son is now 5, but questioned often even at 3. I too, did not want to put dad in a bad light. I believe that he would make up his own mind, and had seen way too many people get older and be upset they didn't get to know their "missing" parent b/c the parent that was present was too "selfish". I didn't want my son to have that opinion. I would either say, well sweet heart, Daddy didn't answer his phone. Or Daddy is very busy with work again. We all have to make money ya know. Honesty, without full disclosure, has worked best. Best of luck! Hang in there, 5 isn't that bad ;)

I too am a single parent, and I remember when my daughter began asking me to see her other parent. I would calmly explain again and again that they couldnt come right now, that they were not feeling well. He too was sick often, but it was of his own doing, not a genetic disease (thankfully) I also let her try and call her missing parent, and often she would leave a message that would go unanswered. I would reassure her that she has done all he can do and then it was his turn (kind of like tag) to get in touch with her. She would often become impatient, as little kids do, but I made sure to never bring him up in the conversations, or discuss him unless she initaiated the conversation. Now, being older she can understand what is wrong with him and is glad we handled it the way we did. She still doesnt completely understand the complexity of his illness, but that will come with time and age. Good luck!

R., bless your heart for being a great daddy. You are doing what a lot of men might not. Good job finding a resource such as this! You have asked a REALLY difficult question, to which there might not be a 'right' answer. Emma will be infinitely curious about her mommy. I guess I feel as though honesty is usually the best policy with our kids, no matter how difficult. And i am sure it is even more difficult for you because you dislike her mother so much. Difficult to suspend your judgement when speaking of her to your daughter...maybe you could come up with a statement and stick to it, like, "your mommy loves you very much but is sick and does not know how to be a good mommy to you." The important thing is for her to have some god experiences with women, so she doesn't grow up being a woman who hates other women (I know plenty of them). On the bright side, she will naturally have good relationships with men because of your positive influence. I am sure it is REALLY hard not to say "well, your mommy is a total screw-up and I wouldn't leave you alone with her for all the tea in China" but try to resist! hey, have you seen www.americandaddy.net? It is a wonderful resource for men who see the importance of being "daddies." You might really find some support with it! Good luck to you and raising your sweet daughter.....
Cheers
P.

R.,
The position you are in just sucks. I was there, but my daughter's father doesn't have any medical reason for not being there for her. Well, that depends on if you classify alcoholism as a medical illness. :-( At any rate, my daughter would cry for him, ask why he didn't come see her, etc. from the age of 2. When she asked why he didn't come see her when she was very little I used to say I didn't know, because honestly I didn't. When she asked when she could see him I answered that I didn't know. When she was 7 he started having visits with her again, until she was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Then he stopped again. She was so upset, she wanted me to call him and ask him why he stopped calling her. It broke my heart but I told her that I couldn't make that phone call. She needed to call him herself. She did and she left a better message on his answering machine than I ever could have. He still didn't call. That was when I finally told her that I thought he loved her but I didn't think he knew how to be a dad so he just didn't. I think that actually helped her at that age, she was very mature so you will have to figure out the right age for your daughter. My daughter is now 14 & I have further explained that her father is an alcoholic & the effect that can have on people. I still make it clear that I think he loves her, he just doesn't know how to be a dad. :-( It still breaks my heart, but there is nothing more that I can do other than protect her from his alcoholism. I have no idea if I made the correct choices, but I did the best I could with the information that I had.

Good luck!
J.

This is a tough road to walk, but it is so worth it!

This is so hard. My husband has custody of his 2 teenage daughters and has had one of them from birth and te other from 4, they have the same mom. The only thing you can do is tell your daughter that her mother loves her and has some issues that she needs to work out and unfortunately it might be a long time before she can see her again. I know from expreience that this is so hard. It is important that she feels comfortable speaking with you as well as your mother about her mom whenever she has questions. I am speaking from a step moms point of view. I raised my husbands children as my own for 12 yrs and now the mom has decided to come into the picture. My husband also despises his ex and doesn't like to talk about her. I always talked to the girls about their mom if they felt like it. As they got older I would tell them more about her situation and what the issues were and why it was not possible for them to see her. however, as soon as she wanted to see them we all sat down tegether came to an agreement about how things were going to be and now after 12 yrs she sees them every other Sat and it is going fine. We have also decided that the girls will have to form an opinion of their mom on their own. Even though I have done the raising, I think it is very important that she be a part of their lives. I can't imagine what it must feel like for a child to be rejected by a parent, especially a little girl by her mother.
Just keep in mind in another couple of yrs it is going to get very dificult, however it will be even more difficult when or if the mom comes around and wants to be a part of your daugthers life. Even though I feel it is important for the mother to be a part of the lives of my step children, the hardest thing I have ever done is let them go with her. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I had yrs that she will never get back. I went to school concerts, packed lunches, rocked to sleep, stayed up all night when they were sick, they crawled in my lap and told me they loved me.
You are in for a long, hard road ahead of you, however it is worth it.
I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers!
Good Luck
Jenn.......

R., first of all, a huge "Atta Boy" for stepping up to the
plate. We all know how hard this must be. I suggest not
saying "you will" because she will wonder when. Try repeating
her question: You want to see mommy. I know you want to
see mommy. Often they just need to hear that you heard and
understand. Then say "Right now mommy can't be here so you
and daddy are taking care of each other. It may have to be
repeated many times but alwasy say the same thing and re-
assure her that you will always be there with her. Try to
take her around other children as much as possible--library
story hours, play dates, zoos, etc. It will give her some
stimulation and something to think and talk about. Good
luck and hang in there. She will be fine!

Congrats to you for being such a good daddy! That is tough. As to what to tell her, I'd give her a 3 year old version of the truth. When she asks when she will see mommy tell her that it's mommy's decision. You could also tell her that mommy is sick (a 3 year old won't understand what bi-polar is) and so mommy can't see her. I think it's wonderful that you are able to not criticize Emma's mother to her and you are right that someday she will figure out the truth. Good luck! Emma is a lucky little girl to have you.

Dear R.,

My younger sister and I were "left "by our mother at the age of 5 and 3 and a half. We saw here a few times a year, mostly with supervision up until the age of 10 and 12 when she disappeared all together. The next time I actually saw her was on her death bed in the hospital. She was 46 years old! Now alot of S***t happened with her, drugs and alcohol were her ruin. MY father was the one who raised us alone, and help from his mother too. I can remember me and my sister asking why we did not see "Mommy" Why doesn't Mommy come see us. My father would tell us that Mommy loves us in her special way. He would also be honest in a gentle way that Mommy was having a difficult time in her life and it was agreed that she wanted us to have the best home possible, that Daddy would be taking care of us for a while. That while lasted until her death.
I always felt loved by my Dad and Grandma. Emma will always feel a open space where her Mother should have been- but her development and the way she will interact with woman and men in the future falls on your ability to give her the self esteem, confidence and love she obviously deserves.
Listen to the others who write, especially since I was older and you may need a point of view from someone who has a younger child.. Your daughter is still young and I don't know what her mind is actually able to process. All I know is that if you give her all your love, she will be alright. There will be rough patches. The older she gets the more "real" you can be. If her Mom never enters her life again, she will heal and move on. If she does re-enter, then you need to be prepared what approach you will take. There is no easy answer.
I will talk more with my Dad to get more insight and get back with you if I can.
You seem like one awesome Dad. Keep positive.
N.

First, it's wonderful that you're obviously so concerned about doing what's best for your daughter. Your daughter is lucky to have a dad who loves her so much.

Your job at that age is protect your daughter, so if her mother is not a good influence, I would keep her away from her. You don't want to talk bad about her mom, but maybe explaining that her mom has trouble making good choices and that your daughter can't see her mom while she's making bad choices wil help your daughter undrstand a little better. "Making good choices and bad choices" is the language that most preschools use to explain behavoir to preschoolers, so it may make the most sense to use those words to explain her mom's behavior to your daughter. 3yr olds are big into right and wrong, so maybe it might help her understand a little. (They are big into rules, especially in terms of other people, though they often don't follow them themselves!)

Hi R.,
My hat goes off to you. Raising a daughter isn't easy. It's nice to see a father caring so much about his child. You're probably doing the right thing. Maybe you could tell her that her mother has some mental illness problems and you don't want to see her get hurt or that you think mom isn't capable of having a relationship with her just yet. It's not easy explain such complicated adult issues to a three year old. Does the mother have anyone in her life that cares enough to help her to seek help? God Bless and good luck. N. L.

Tell Emma the truth now so you will not have to change your story later. Tell her that her mommy is sick and she is trying to get well. Her mother is sick. Bi polar is a nasty thing and some people will get treatment and some will not. It is better that Emma knows the truth told to her in a very simple way. Tell Emma that you will tell her when her mommy is well enough to come and see her.

this is a terrible situation. I have a 14 year old stepson and his mom is also bipolar. My husband has been dealing with the situation longer than I, but I can give a little insight. Our son is now at the point where he totally gets how his mom is and is not angry at us anymore. In the past though it has been rough going because he sort of blamed his dad for not seeing his mother some because I think he just needed someone to blame and also his mom would of course make up things too because it made her feel better. It is hard to be the one to try to keep your child from feeling so sad about not having their mother around like other mothers. At first we did what you are doing because we did not feel like jake was capable of understanding her disease. But at his age now my husband has told him all about it with the help of a psychologist. He now is also not fighting me helping him out. I take care of all the things a mother would normally do but I also have explained that I would never try to replace his mom. I think you will be fine and eventually your little girl will understand. Our psychologist has helped a ton cuz we were so unsure of what to say and not say cuz we did not want to " bad mouth" his mom. Give yourself credit too. You sound like a very caring father.

Bipolar Disorder is a terrible affliction - try not to hate the mother - hate the disease that has caused the situation. Children are quite bright - although you do not portray her mother in a negative light, your daughter is bound to pick up on your feelings. Point out the positives when your child asks - there must be some good ones or you would not have had a child with her. As far as what to tell your child - consider telling her that her mother is not well, that in her mother's heart she is very loved, but due to her illness she is unable to see her at this time. Every child wants to know that they are loved by both their mother and father, regardless of the circumstances.

First I just want to say that I have a lot of respect for you. You are a bigger person than a lot of others out there. Congrats to you on that! I agree to let her make up her own mind about the mother. As for what to tell your little lady, you could tell her that her Mommy is sick right now and when she gets better she will come and see her. Or she had to go on a trip or something. When my daughter (she's 8) asks me questions that require "delicate" answers I try to keep it close to the truth of the matter but keep it child oriented at the same time. I wish you the best of luck on this one. And good luck to you. Your daughter is lucky to have a father like you in her life. Keep your head up!

I have not been in your position, but I think that you should tell your daughter the truth, something like her mother has a medical condition and needs to be away from her for a little while to try to get better. Also an important thing is to talk to your mother to ask her advice and be sure that you both say the same thing. And finally, there may be some books at the library written for children to help you figure out how to explain it to your daughter. Best wishes!

Your daughters Mother is ill , but bi polar is very treatable.Tell her that her Mommy is ill and maybe when she gets better she can see her. Children don't undersatnd mental illness as we do.They love people regardless of what they have done to them on purpose or other wise.
I would also inform her Mother that the child would like to see her.Maybe you could meet her for lunch at a restraunt or something so you know Emma is SAFE.

Dear Single Dad - R.,

I really felt my heart go out to you and your situation with your little girl and while I don't have anything profound to answer you with, I thought I would share my thoughts.

At this age, your daughter is looking to see who she is connected with (knowing there should be a mommy and a daddy) and expects trust and honesty from you. I think if you were to sit down with your daughter and gently explain that right now "mommy" is having a hard time with "being" a mommy, that she has an illness that makes it hard for her to be there for your little girl. Let her ask questions and be as honest as you can without overloading her with too much detail.

A simple, yet truthful explanation will satisfy her curiosity and later on as she grows up, make more detailed explanations easier for you both to handle. At the same time, I think that she will become even more comfortable with asking you anything she may need to know and trust in your answers to her.

Let her know that there are many kinds of "families". Not all of them have a mother and a father together. Some children are raised by grandparents, others by aunts and uncles but the main thing is that there is a great love for her from her father (and her grandmother). That you will be there to take care of her.

My two sons are now grown and I raised them since they were 7 and 6 years old as a single mom because of divorce. I always reminded them that while they may have come from a "broken home" they don't have "broken lives" because they knew they were loved, cared for, and had many family members (on both sides)that they could go to for advice or answers to questions that they may be uncomfortable asking "mom". (Boys, you know!)

I don't know if this helps or not but I will pray for you both and ask for you to receive the wisdom you need to help your daughter through this difficult time.

Best wishes,
T. C.

Telling her she will see her mother might give her hope she will see her tomorrow. A three year olds mind works that way a bit. You will means you will now. Maybe try saying she is sick and that hopefully someday she will see her, but not soon. Good luck to you and God bless.

I think Teresa and Karen N are correct. Angie W obviously isn't too familiar with bi-polar. Your responsibility is to protect your daughter and raise her the best you know how. Sounds like you have a lot of love for your daughter. I really respect you for not bad mouthing her mom to her. Bi-polar is a horrible thing to deal with so I'm sure you are doing what needs to be done. Sounds like you are a great dad. Good luck!

R., First let me say how happy I am to see a man that has taken on his responsiblities as a father. Good for you! Second, your duahgter is young, but she will get more than you think. You don't have to go into detail about her mother, but you should be honest with her (at her level). Since you don't know if/when her mom may show up, just be honest. Tell her "Mommy loves you very much and she will come see you as soon as she is ready. But I am not sure when that may be. But I am always here for you." And let her ask ?s if she has any. Keep the answers lite and simple. Good luck to both of you!

I give you all the credit in the world! There are alot of fathers out there that are much better at parenting then given credit for. I strongly believe in fathers rights. when your daughter asks to see her mother, sometimes being a little honest is good. I would say that "Mommy isn't feeling good enough right now and maybe someday you will get to see her, but right now is not a good time" Eventually, when Emma is a little older, maybe have her mother see her on supervised visits, but not alone. When your daughter is older, she will appreciate all that you do for her. right now she just doesnt realize and maybe feels that you are keeping her away from her mother (albiet-for her own good) everything will work out in the long run. good luck!!!

Dear R.,
My heart goes out to you!
At least you are raising your daughter.
Does the mother ask to see her?
If not then don't worry about it,,but if she does then maybe you might want to set a time when you can be there with your daughter to see her mom.
You see i speak from experence i have raised my 3 grandchildren because the parents didn't want to step up to the plate!
These children are now 21, 19 and 18..they hardly ever see their mom..(my daughter) it hasn't been easy but they love me!
When your daughter gets older she may or may not want anything to do with her, that will be her choice.
Bless you for not saying anything negtive about the mother.
N.
Indiana

I would suggest if she dose want more of an answer then "Mommy is sick" and keeps asking questions as to how she is sick (may not be now but the question will be asked eventually) to again be up front with her but on a three year olds level. Tell her Mommy is sick but not like you get a cold, she may say or do things that aren't good for her (Emma) at times and you just want the best for her and are taking care of her because you love her so much.
I commend you on being such a good father. My prayers are with you.
S.

Sounds like you are doing a lot of right things already. I think that it is great that you don't say anything negative about the mother....what would that say about you as well...you chose her to have your baby. Let your daughter know that mommy is sick and when she does feel good that she will visit. Kids, at a very young age, want to know that things are not their fault. Who knows what she is thinking. Talk with her. If you do it naturally know it will be easier as she gets older. Let her know mommy is sick maybe that she was not always that way. let her know why you feel in love with her. Don't make excuses for the mom but tell the truth...the mom may not be able to help how she is or acts. It's never bad to know your parents....your daughter can use the mom as a counter role model and well as a role model. She can see how not to be for her kids. The important thing is that you are there for her and love her and help her through this....and your mom too. Be sure you are showing her how much help she is being. Best of luck to you.

Wow, R., I am just so impressed with what you do. I was single parent for a long time and it is hard because you feel like you are doing the job of two people. You are providing, teaching, nurturing for two. That doesn't even include dishes and bath time. I agree with the sick thing. Tell her that mommy is sick right now and when she is well she will be able to have visiting time.

One thing I would suggest is that you and your mom come up with a plan where she (your mom) and any other positive female role models you have in her life invest time in her. She will need them throughout her growing up years. My kids' dad didn't see them for really no good reason and lived seven miles away. I filled their lives with good men. My dad, men in my church children's group, husbands of my friends. That way they got some male input that was good and took care of at least some of those needs. I cannot, after all, be a man.

Hi R., I am truly sorry you are going through a hard time deciding what to do. I have hit that same spot one time before, except my girls' father has no problems with bi-polar. He is more a Compulsive. My youngest at the time was only 2 and I had to go through the seperation anxiety for the 3 of us at the time. Sad and Hard. I had to go through counceling to figure out what I CAN do to help myself and my kids. And slowly worked them into the whole counceling thing. I think the hardest thing is to hear is, "DOES HE LOVE ME?" "Why don't my Daddy want me around?" All I can say is explain that YOU LOVE HER and You LOVE SEEING HER! See right now I was kind of like You shouldn't keep her away from her mother, due to the fact she needs to know her no matter the good the bad the ugly. Yet, I can truly understand why you wouldn't want to EXPOSE her to the mother. My kids dad left me to be with a 16year old at the time he was 22, and yet lied about his age, because he could get away with that...any how they had a son (now 3 kids) he never even tried to be a dad to the 2 we have. I did let him take the girls one time Kinda forced him to so they would get to know him, and I found out that he would make them watch their son while they go have sex, smoke dope or even sleep. So I kinda quit calling him and asking him to take his kids. He has never contacted them and its been well over 7years. Every time my kids would call him or I would have to. Sad. But I want my kids to know their dad and they are kind of finding out alone how much of a DEAD BEAT he is.And the 3 kids he has with that other chick got taken from the both of them due to sleeping and letting their kids run wild, which they are just babies and the oldest got outside and was running the streets, he was only 3 at the time this happened. Mothers too can be DEAD BEATS. But I'm not one to really judge anyone. I know at one time he was a really good dad to them, I really don't know what happened. And I sure hope you get some answers to what to do for your daughter. Am truly sorry to hear such sad things like that. I don't know if anything I said helped, but I know someone will. Good Luck.

Hi R., I too, was married to a man who suffered from bipolar. I am now divorced and I have three chidren, ages 10, 9 and almost 8.( I have been raising them on my own since they were 6, 5 and 4) I placed my children in therapy right away and the therapist helps with thoes questions. Also, NAMI(National Association for Mentally Ill) has a wonderful family to family support group that I now attend. It helps me learn more about the illness and ways that I can explain it to my kids. My son says that daddy has a sick conscious and the other two believe that daddy's brain is sick. We talk about it all the time so that will understand the illness, separate the illness from thier dad, and be able to grieve the loss of him right now in their lives. I hope this is helpful.

R.,

Well, I am also a single parent of a precious 6 year old girl. Her father also abandoned her. He lives in the city. When my daughter asks about her "daddy", I tell her that he loves her very much, but just isn't very good at being a daddy right now.

In your case, if your daughter doesn't see her mother at all, I might say something similar to what I tell mine. But if there is some visitation every couple of years or whatever, I might tell her that momma is a little sick and not able to be a very active mommy right now, but does love her very much.

The thing is, the child identifies whatever is being said about the missing parent, to be said about themselves. It is a very delicate matter. So I guess what is most important here is to emphasize the love that her mommy feels for her, and that she is unable to be available at this point in her life (mommys life). Of course, your daughter will say "when will she come?" and you must say that you aren't sure, but that she loves her very much.

Pretty much stay as basic and honest as you can....and always going back to hhow much she is loved and how mommy is really missing out on all of the wonderful things that you get to expreience!

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. It angers me as well. I cannot understand how a woman can continue to get pregnant, give birth, but never experience MATERNAL LOVE. In my opinion, she should have her tubes tied to stop the birth of innocent lives of children being traumitized and abondoned. It is complete selfishness that I will never understand. I can only say so much on a site like this without getting hatefully bombarded by others. But I do feel for you. Keep on creating the wondeful memories that your daughter will remember. You are both mommy and daddy to her. A big job....that can be done. There are lots of single parents out there doing the best possible job. And there you are too! Good luck and God Bless!

A.

Because she is three she is going to take you on your word and when you give your more than you will she will stop asking as much. But when you say, you will, you will; that leaves the question of when. Therefore the repeated asking. I was in a similar situation with my son and daughter when they were younger when their dad would not come and pick them up when he said he would. I would always answer the same thing, I am not sure why daddy is not here yet. He must have had something very important to do. Or if the weather was bad I would use that as the excuse. But I would also tell them that daddy may not be able to make it today or tomarrow. But he will be here when he can because I know he loves you very much. This way I am answering their question, and not making either parent look bad in their little eyes. If the still was restless, I would say "Hey lets go play hide and seek. Because my children were 7, 3 and 1 we would play in the house and the kids loved that!!! Hope this helps. If you feel her mothers Bipolar affects the care she is giving Emma, then I, myself would consider not letting her see her mom or have it with supervised visitation. At one point I had to go that route, his mother was the one to supervise the visitations, and I trusted her. She is a down to earth, no BS woman. But I did not ever take the opprotunity for their dad to see them. No matter what I thought or felt about him, he was still their father and they would come to their own assumptions of their dad when they got old enough to see through his lies. Good Luck and You Are a good man to be willing to raise a girl all by yourself. A little humor...if these questions are putting you through the ringer of frustration...think ahead about 9 years and puberty hits!!! Really good luck. Hey I know, I was raising two boys by myself and the oldest one is Severly Bipolar and the younges is Learning Disabled. My oldest started puberty at age 8. I got us a book to read together; What Every Boy Wants To Know About His Changing Body.

Hi R.,
I've seen first hand that being a single Daddy is not easy. My brother is a single Daddy to a wonderful 5 year old girl. I would start looking for some books that might be able to help her understand that her Mother is having a hard time taking care of herself let alone your daughter. You might also call some child care centers and ask them how to handle your situation. I hope things workout for you and your little girl. Good Luck!

M.

Be as honest as you can without sounding too negative and as honest as you can be that is age appropriate....because as she gets older and older she will ask you more questions and you can be "more" honest with her as she gets older. You are in a really tough position because Emma is so young.....no matter what you tell her she really isn't going to understand...and you want to make sure you don't say something that will make Emma feel like her mom doesn't love her....because to a child that could do some damage..... Just reinforce the love you have for her.....and I'm sure it will all work out.....Thank God she has you in her life! I'm sure as she gets older and is able to understand it will get easier.......just hang in there and keep on doing what you are doing!
Good luck!

R.,
Thats a very difficult situation :( I have been dealing with that same situation for 7 yrs now. Only its the opposite my sons Biological father is Bipolor schzphreniac (sp) He's never been in my sons life. He has seen my son 3 times in the past 7 yrs. The way I have explained to my son is that his father is sick. Now that he is 7 I explain more without the negativity. I have pictures of his father as well. Maybe you can put some pictures in a small album for your daughter. In your situation its a bit different.. my son never got a connection with his father.
Have you ever thought of having her go to counseling? or go to groups? I think the biggest thing is to continue to reassure your daughter that she is safe and with you and that you will always love and protect her. A child no matter how little of a time spent with the Mom will always have a unique bond with the mom even in cases that the mom didnt provide quality care to the child.... Safe Harbor has a lot of wonderful therapists and groups available. Mental illness is very scarey situation especially if theyre not medicated and being seen by a dr.
Youre lucky to have that support from your Mom and hopefully that connection between your mom and your daughter will also grow and she wont feel so much loss of her mom. There might be some books as well that you could read to Emma regarding the situation... I cannot think of the titles right off the top of my head right now...
Also read up on Bipolar and make sure you are aware of the risk factors. Definately have a safety plan in effect for your daughter. Unsure of the contact that you keep with the mom but sometimes they will do things without thinking of the concern of the child.
Good luck and hats off to you.. there isnt very many Dads out there that would take on such a role :) I have been a single mom now for several yrs and definately learn how to balance life and work and kids :) Just remember though its important to take some time out for yourself as well :)
C.

If you are divorced you should get remarried to a woman that would make a wonderful wife for you and a great mother for your daughter. I realize that it is hard to find a good wife and it isn't like you just go to the grocery store to get one! She needs a mommy and a daddy. Sounds like you are a wonderful dad. When she asks about her mommy, tell her that she is sick because she is. We both know that her mother has made terrible choices, but right now I think that would be the best way to go. God Bless.

Dear R.,

It sounds like you are a wonderful father. I agree with Barb E, I believe her name was. Bi Polar is a terrible disease, as I too suffer from it. By the grace of God, the help of my husband a great councelor and some medications, I am able to be a good mom. I am very active in my children's lives, I am a PTO mom and a volunteer at both of my children's schools.

Keeping giving Emma all the love you can AND always be honest with her. I believe if you decieve her, it will turn around on you when she gets older. Prepare ahead of time for the questions she will ask you about hedr mother and about becoming a woman herself. She will need positive women role models in her life.

As a mom, I totally get what you mean about not wanting your princess to grow up. I am crying already about my children. My oldest (daughter) is turning 13 this May, while I have a 10 yer old (son) and a 4 year old (daughter). Time flies so enjoy her while you can.

A little MORE about me: I am a married mommy of 3 beautiful children that has bi polar and anxiety disorders.

Hi R.!

I see that you have received some wonderful advice. I only want to add that yes, you are right that she will develop her own opinion of Mom when she gets older. I was raised by a divorced mom after being thrown away by Dad. Since I didn't know any better, I used to ask to see him too. Mom did what you aer doing...she explained that it was OK to miss him but that it just wasn't possible to see him, etc. As I grew up I realized the truth and basically threw him away back. My mom and I are best friends, and I am blessed to have been raised by such a hard-working and sacrificing parent. GOD BLESS YOU, R., for doing what you do. Your daughter is very lucky to have you.

I am sorry to hear about the mother of your child. I have worked in the social service system for 20 years and a lot of my work has been with kids who are in abandonment situations. I think you need to tell your daughter that her mommy is sick and cannot see or take care of her. At this age, you obviously can't go into details as she wouldn't understand. You shouldn't give her hopes of "someday" as this might not happen. She needs to be reassured that you will always be there for her. Children can do quite well with just one loving parent, so hang in there. When she is older she will understand and appreciate what you have done for her.

Hi R.,
Children respond really well to honesty and I think you've done a good job of keeping things age appropriate so far. You'll need to communicate with your mom and figure out the best way to keep your daughter informed and content about the unfortunate details of her mother. She is obviously sick and needs psychological assistance (not to mention birth control) so that one day she will come to see the error of her ways and the disservice she has done to her own children. Best of Luck, keep your chin up-you're doing the right thing!

I wouldn't keep offering empty promises that will eventually make you look bad to her. Tell her her mom's not able to see her right now. If she really persists, try to find out why this seems so important to her. When she's "old enough" explain that mommy is sick & unable to take care of her. I am raising my alcoholic brother's kid. She's 16 now & I've had her 8 years. She stopped asking about seeing him years ago. When he would question her about visiting him {500} miles away} I've had to explain she's not safe with him because of people he associates with. He is with a very low class of people. They lie & steal from him. It's sad, but you can't force an adult to get help. You can only help the children in danger. I also have a niece that's bi-polar with 3 kids that my sister & mom are practically raising. Some people really aren't capable of raising kids. God Bless!

HI I have a friend that is a single mom with three kids.The two oldest have the same dad who has been in and out of their lives from day 1. At first they saw him when she called him, then she started taking them to see him herself. After a couple years of that she stopped cause he didn't seem to care anymore. Now the girls are 9,8 and hasn't seen "dad" in 2 years. My friend was always making excuses for him, he's sick, he's working, he loves you. but now the girls are turning to my friend and taking their anger out on her, wanting to know why. And in this process he final had to tell them that their dad lives down the road and she has no clue why he don't see them. ( He has mental problems or made up mental probs.) I am just saying that she tried to stay pos and give him the time and chance to become a "dad" but now the girls are questioning all that pos and wanting to know whats wrong with them if "dad" is ok. So finally my friend had to tell them the truth and actually they are so much better knowing it's not them with the prob.
It's a rough road and you'll always be beating around the bush with your daughter till she's old enough to take the truth, that won't be able to be hid from her later. Good luck with you and your daughter!!!

Oh my heart just breaks for your little girl. How wonderful that Emma has a father and grandmother who love her so much!
I guess I would be a little leary about telling her that she will see her mother if the reality is that she won't see her. My daughter is three also. I think she would comprehend if you told her honestly that her mother is sick and you don't know when she will see her. This may be upsetting to Emma as she thinks she will get to see her mother. But it may be more upsetting in the long run to tell her something that isn't going to happen.

It is very honorable of you to not speak of her mother negatively. It's probably going to be heartwrenching for her to know her mother abandoned her. It may be harder as she gets older and understands more. But she knows that you will never leave her and that you will always love her. The foundation and the strength of your love for her will help carry her through the hard times.

So many children do not have a loving and caring father in their lives. Emma is so lucky to have you. By your message, it sounds like you are doing a great job with her.

Thank you for sharing your question with us. I know I'm going to go give my children a big hug right now.

Best to you both!
K.

You've gotten a lot of good advise. I just wanted to tell you what a wonderful person and father you are for guarding your personal feelings towards Emma's mother, and being mature and responsible about letting her form her own opinion when she gets older. Your daughter will love you dearly for putting her first and keeping your own feelings in check. God bless you!

R.,

I am a mother of a 4 year old and 3 year olds understand more then we give them credit for. I would say sit down and explain to your daughter why she is not able to see mommy at this time (in childlike terms). Tell her that when the time is right you will make sure that she will see her mommy. Let her know that your main goal is to love and protect her. She will still ask to see mommy because this is what children do but reassure her that when it's a good time mommy will see her. You are doing the right thing of not giving her any negative influences of her mother because children love thier parents unconditionally (at least until they are teenagers) so no matter what you said anyway she would still want to see her mommy. Good luck to you and I hope it all works out.

There should be more dad's like you!!!!! I am not in the situation, however my neighbor has that exact same thing going on with her xhusband. He suffers from PTSD and bi-polar. All her daughter asks is when does she get to see daddy next. When is around, he is completely out of control with his language and actions. This is what she did...
She explained to her daughter that daddy is not coming around anymore. Not to plan on it until daddy gets help. Her daughter now asks if he is getting help more than "Can I see him." All she says is not yet, but lets hope so because I know you miss him. It doesn't explain that you don't want to see her ever or want her around your child, it just explains that you are open to them seeing each other, but mommy is sick. The best of luck to you!

Unless the mother is physically abusive to this child she deserves the right to see her mother, and if you are keeping her from seeing her your daughter will eventually find it out and resent you for it. You never said whether you were married to this woman or what your relationship is. Take the child to see her mother.

Since you don't know whether or not she will see her mom anytime soon, instead of telling her you will, I would simply state that mommy is either sick or having some problems and will try to see her as soon as she can. She doesn't need much information about what is wrong, but to keep putting her off that she will see her mom someday is making her worse. Let her know that when mommy is better, you are sure that she will come to see her. Just make sure at this age, she doesn't feel like she did something wrong to make mommy go away.

Despite your feelings for her, it sounds as though you handle this positively. Could you tell her that mom is sick right now and will come to see her when she gets better? As she gets older you could delve into her bi polar situation more and then it would make more sense. I have a three year old and I am sure he would understand someone is sick and cant come by versus bi polar. Then you arent saying to her that she will see her mom and her hopes wont get raised high and then crash when she doesnt.
Just curiously does your daughter get to see her other siblings that your wife has? That might help to have some connection to her without having direct contact with her but I dont know the circumstance so............
good luck!!

R., I would be honest with Emma and tell her that her mother is sick. Explain that some people are sick in their bodies and some in their minds. As Emma's understanding grows, you can expand on the explanation. What a blessing Emma has a loving and involved dad. May you both be blessed beyond measure.

Hi R.,
A three year-old is beginning to understand about time, so when you say , "You will" she is frustrated, I think. Since you want no contact with her birth mother, i would suggest that you say something along the lines of ,"Your mommy is sick , and she doesn't't feel up to playing with you right now. If Mommy gets better, maybe you could see her. "Then I'd change the subject and get her interested in something fun she likes to do.
I am a former foster parent, and one thing they taught us in training was to see the removal of the child from her parent in as positive a light as you can. You want to do this because every child identifies with her parent, no matter how poor a job they do. If you speak negatively about her birth mother, she will grow up feeling not quite good enough since she is the child of a "rotten person. Even though it's hard you need to keep on doing your best to put her birth mother in a good light. And who knows what the future may bring. People can change, and new meds can work wonders, so there's always hope that the mom can cope better, and maybe play a part, however small, in her kids' lives. I'll keep you in my prayers. Hope this helps, A.. P.S. I dreaded the teen years with my three kids (who are now raised )because of all the horror stories about teens I'd heard.
Turns out the teen years were pretty fun! I enjoyed the more adult conversations and hearing their take on the world, and meeting their friends, going to school activities, vacations etc.
I had some really good advice on raising teens. When your teen comes into the room, stop what you're doing, sit down and smile. This somehow connects with the teen as "Dad is here ready if I have anything on my mind I'd like to share... My poor hubby has a favorite chair that he likes to read in. Whenever the poor guy sits down with a book, chances are good that one of us will come in and say, Um, Dad? Can I talk to you for a minute? It actually became a private joke at our house.
My third child who had seen me do the stop, sit, smile thing for YEARS with her two brothers finally told me as we were driving her to college," You know Mommy, whenever I come home, you stop what you're doing and sit down. I finally figured it out!!! Its to get us to talk to you!!! " LOL. A..

R.,
I'am very proud of you for raising your daugther by yourself so your doing a great job in raising her keep up the good work and i'm not a mother but i thought i'd leave a message saying keep up the great work with raising your daugther alone ok. C.
P.S. So when she asks qusetions in reguards of her mother just change the subject talk about something else to her or some such but she will understand when she gets older about her mother and how she isn't a very good mother.

Hi R.! Although I'm not the same gender, I am in the same boat as you. I am a single mother of 3 - my younger 2, their Dad lives about 25 miles away and does see them every other weekend. My 4 year old son however has NEVER met his father because he left me when I was just a few months pregnant and never came back. My son asks from time to time where his Daddy is and I don't want to be negative and tell him that his "Daddy" is a bad man, although that's all I want to shout to the rooftops! I just have to explain that I'm both Mommy AND Daddy and even though he may not completely understand, I tell him that he can always talk to me and tell me anything. I take him to do "macho" things (ball games, dirt biking, etc.) but luckily like you, my Dad is active in his life and as a grandpa, he's wonderful and a perfect "father figure" for my son. You have that with your daughter's grandma, so you just have to explain even that grandma is LIKE his Mommy... but his Mommy is a very busy lady but that Daddy has plenty of love to give. <3 I know this isn't the best answer, but just know that you are not the only one in this boat - I feel your pain and there is no RIGHT answer unfortunately. :(

I just wanted to say I agree whole heartly with what Kari N had to say!! Be honest as you can be with a child at this age. Then when the time is right and the age is right you can go into more detail of what is going on with her mom.

I am so proud of you for not wanting to put negative light on Emma's mother, letting her make that decision on her own!! Wow you are a wonderful dad to step up to the plate and be a Mr. Mom also!!! It is good to hear that you have a wonderful mother yourself that helps you with Emma during the day. This is a wonderful thing for her. Emma will have a mother figure in her life as long as you put good respectful women in her life. (That you trust) She will need a female figure in her life when she gets older. This way she will have a female to talk about other adventures that us ladies travel down in life.

Just explain to her that mommy does not live that close to us (depends on what you think is close i guess.) and she is seeing doctors to get better and once she is better she might be able to see her. Until then she will have to wait. Let her make her mom some cards or color a picture for her and mail it out. (to send it will be your choice) And make sure that any other family member uderstands what you are telling Emma as well. So the story stays the same and as honest as possible. :o) This way she will not be upset with you in the future over not seeing her mom.

I really hope that you and Emma have a wonderful life adventure together!!

R.,
I believe that you need to encourage your daughter to love her mother, as she is the only one that she will ever have. Even though you may not think she is a good role model it is important that she has the ability to have a relationship with her mom and since she is so young you are the one that has to help make that possilbe. No matter what your feelings are towards her mom now, you choose her to be your child's mother and are stuck with doing the right thing. If you make every effort to allow your daughter to have a relationship with her mom your daughter will realize that and you will not be resented in the end by being the one in that stood in her way, later on when she is older she will come to realize who did what for her. As for now when she asks when she can see her, I would allow her to call her mom and talk to her and maybe that would satisfy her for now.

GOOD LUCK!
____@____.com

ps.. my husband had custody of his daughter when she was 3 as well.