Single Mom and New Relationships

Hi S.,
YEARS ago, I was in a very similar situation to yours with my daughter who is now 15. We were divorced when she was the same age and I quickly rekindled a high school friendship post-divorce that turned into a 3 year romantic relationship.

When that ended, I made the decision that I would only date when my daughter was on visitation with her father - which was every other weekend. I was working full-time back then so I cherished the weekends my daughter was home to be with her.

Here's how I thought of it: I wasn't about to put her in a babysitter to go out with some guy who, most likely, wasn't going to be there when my daughter was a teenager and we really needed to have a good relationship. And, with a "built-in" babysitter (her dad) 2 weekends a month, it was plenty of time to go out.

These boundaries made it super easy to weed out the guys I wasn't interested in pursuing relationships with. Plus, since my daughter didn't even know I was going out, she never got the revolving door effect. Guys would beg to meet my daughter - only because they wanted to see me more than twice a month in some cases but I never allowed it.

I made one mistake after dating a guy for 4 months. We had breakfast with my daughter and when the check came, he refused to pay for her $1.99 breakfast because she wasn't his responsibility. Well, OK. You can imagine that we weren't out of the parking lot before that relationship was over :)!

The Happy Ending: When I met the man who is now my WONDERFUL husband, he never whined or questioned me about my boundaries. Instead, he asked, "can I come and take you out to lunch" (when my daughter was in school). I knew that he respected me as a mother in addition to a woman. We've been married for over 8 years and he should write a book on being a stepdad because he's AWESOME at it.

The Surprise Ending: My ex-husband (who I can't say I really get a long with and who, didn't think of his child first before picking a spouse) actually has told me that he highly respects how I handled my single- parenting life with such integrity. I can't think of another nice thing he has said to me in the past 15 years. AND, best of all, my daughter is now in a dating relationship and she is handling it remarkably.

You have a wonderful opportunity to bond with your daughter and show her how a woman can be strong and independant and self-sufficient and happy. My daughter looks back at those times we spent together (ages 1-7) as great times because it was just the two of us. We had NO money but we had each other and it was truly a sweet, sweet time.

When she asks you when you are going to get remarried, you can tell her that you are enjoying this time with her alone for awhile and when the right guy comes along, you will get remarried. When I got engaged, people would ask me if my daughter liked my fiance. I could not imagine ever getting to the engagement part if your child didn't like the fiance. You must NEVER, NEVER, NEVER choose a man over your child. Another one will come along but that sweet child is unique.

Good luck to you. I'm over a decade down the line from you and I can tell you that it's SO worth it.

You are right to be cautious. If she continues to ask, you can tell her that when the time is right, and when God brings the right person into your life, then it will happen. If you make it up to God, and God's decision, then she may not ask you anymore.
I did that with my children and you will never guess what heppened! They prayed for the "right" person for us, and we ended up reuniting with their father!
It's in God's hands, not yours. he will bring in the right person for you and your children.
Good luck
M.

I agree with the other moms. And, I think that it is smart for you to be cautious. You don't want her too get attached to someone and then if things don't work out she may feel abandoned and confused. Good luck. V.

Hi S.!
I COMPLETELY agree with what Tracy said. A friend of mine was in the same situation with her son and only dated when he was with his dad. It worked out well for her and she avoided those questions and confusion for her son. Now, she's been in a committed relationship for 4 years and is on her way to the altar! Best of Luck to you.

I agree with the people that say to date when she isn't there. A guy that is worth being with, will understand that. That is what I wish I could do with my son, but his father chooses not to see him, so I have him 100% of the time (except when I'm working). I had a boyfriend a year ago, and we spent all of our time together, and Connor got really close to him and his parents (he was 14 months when we left, a couple months away from 2 when we broke up). I was ok with the break-up, it was something we decided together and were still friends (for a little while). What really bugged me, was that he stopped caring about Connor the day we broke up, but was very involved before then. His mom offered to babysit all the time, and got very close to him, and has not seen him since we broke up on Jan 28th. She called on his birthday in April to see how he was doing, but I think it was horrible of them to just separate from him like that. He was young and didn't seem too affected by it, but I hope that never happens to him again. It's bad enough that his own father made that choice, along with his family, Connor doesn't need to deal with that again. Make sure you truly know the person and are really sure about your relationship when she meets them, and make sure she knows that her opinion is as important as hers, because after the wedding, she has to live with him too, and share her mom. Don't rush it, when the time is right, the right guy will show up! Good luck!

J.

Hi S.,

I don't know if you agreed with my advice on baby baptism earlier or not; but there are Bible principles that help when someone is considering/desiring marriage whether for the first time, 2nd, or 3rd. Ephesians 5 in the New Testament lays out the "role descriptions" for a husband and a wife. Certainly our Creator ought to know what He intended better than friends down the street for the union of marriage that He created (the State sure didn't--why must they license it? revenue?) When I as a mother of ten, married 26.5 years try to avoid or weary of my role as described there....our home is heading the wrong way. When I humble & my hubby humbles himself to obeying that passage especially...we work in harmony. "Only by pride comes contention" - until people agree to that principle...another divorce is inevitable. So I would search your heart and ask yourself if you're ready for your role in Ephesians 5, if not, then explain that to your daughter. This will begin to teach her the "fear of the Lord" which is the beginning of wisdom it says in Proverbs.

I'm here to help all along the way of such "soul searching" - achieving a possible goal of another marriage, whatever.
"There's wisdom in a multitude of counselors" scripture says too.

B. in WI