Single Mom Attempting to Date a Single Dad and the Associated Struggles

I would stay open to spending time with him, but with things being so new and him having so little time, I would not be ready to date him exclusively. Talk with him and let him know that you want to get to know him better, but you hope he is okay with you both seeing other people as well unless feelings get more intense or change, and that you will talk about that if the time comes.

Give it some time - like a few years.
There's nothing wrong with having a good friend (or several) you can go to dinner with every once in awhile.
You are both in busy child rearing times of your lives and you both have careers that you need to support yourselves with.
What you have now is 'friends with benefits' - it's a rebound thing of convenience - and it sounds mostly convenient for him.
It's really kind of selfish on his part - not a good sign for any sort of long term relationship.
Back off and slow it WAY down.
See other people (him too).
Take time to REALLY recover emotionally from your failed marriage.
And THEN you'll be ready to find someone who'll make a true partnership/marriage.
If he's not happy cooling it off then break it off and toss him back.
This guy is not a good match for you.

Bless your heart. You are new at this, aren't you.

Sweetie, you're a booty call. That's it pure and simple. Middle of the night. Always physical. The only difference is that you two include the kids. Well, that's because the kids are present and as you said, neither of you have done this before.

Maybe he doesn't know this is a booty call. Doesn't matter. Even if you two DO end up living together or married, is a 10 hour a day job til midnight what you want to contend with forever? You would be his maid and his kid's babysitter, on top of your own kids. And you would STILL not have time together. Plus, you wouldn't get to meet other people.

Step back. Tell him that you have decided not to be exclusive. Tell him that it doesn't mean that you are actually going to date others, but you reserve the right to. Stop letting him come over in the middle of the night. You know what that's going to lead to.

There are a lot of males out there who are FRIEND MATERIAL. Funny, easy to be around, etc, etc, etc. That's what this guy is, but you are sleeping with him, which makes you feel something more. But this guy's life just doesn't mesh with yours and it WON'T. You will never have time together except between the sheets and saying hello and goodbye, and YOU WILL BE THE ONE DOING ALL THE WORK with his kids, his schedule, his shopping, his cleaning, ALL of it. You don't owe this to him. You shouldn't give it. You'll end up lonely and sorry.

I don't understand what seems to be an all or nothing attitude. Your choice sounds like I either see more of him or not see him at all. Actually this sounds like a good arrangement since you know it's better to wait to start dating until more time has passed. By not spending lots of time with him you can work at keeping this as a friendship.

I suggest that you make better boundaries. Stop with the middle of night visits. I suggest doing a good job at work Is much more important than a sexual relationship. You want more companionship so set it up for that. Ihaven't talked with him about finding a way to do that, do so now.

I've dated many men over the years and worked in a predominantly male profession. I suggest that the reason he's busy or has other plans during the day or early evening may be that he wants a predominantly sexual relationship. I suggest that he could make more time for you if he had an incentive to do so. When you go along with seeing him mostly in the middle of the night he is telling you sex is more important than other activities.

Or it may be that he hasn't thought this thru. I suggest you take the initiative to start a conversation about meeting each other's needs. Tell him you want more companionship and plan together to make that happen. If he's not willing to find a way to do that, I suggest that being fun to be with him is not enough. You want a more balanced relationship and that's good.

I have dated men with children although none had primary custody. Do his children live full time with him? If so, when do they have time with their mom? Could he have someone, such as parents, sibs, or male friends who have their children some of the time? If you don't have the same days off, could one of you change days off? Sounds like he works an evening shift from which he's free during the middle of the night? Or does he have other plans during the evening on his days off?

I suggest that you have at least the "weekend" days to be together in the evenings. Either.one of you could have a babysitter. Or perhaps the espouses would be willing to have the kids an extra night once in awhile.

If you're expecting to see him more often than once a week it is unreasonable. When I was single and dated single men without children we mostly only got together an average of once a week until we decided to be exclusive. Even then it wasn't much more than twice a week unless we worked the same shift with the same days off.

I suggest that you are in charge of your life. It's your responsibility to find a way that is satisfactory for you. You can say no to the nights starting at midnight and ask for more daytime/evening time. It may be that you cannot change this pattern. In which case you have to decide to either accept it without hard feelings or move on.

I did accept a couple of my relationships as they were but continued to want more and they ended because I became resentful. Not worth it.

I, again, suggest that getting enough sleep is of high priority because of your job and your children. I've gone without sleep so that I could be with a boyfriend and it took a toll on my work and the rest of my personal life.

Why do you have to put "all your eggs in one basket"? You're both adults, just take it for what it is and don't project so much. Dating can mean anything from casual friendship to long term committed relationship.

Keeping it casual would be good for you but not so much for your kids so you might put a stop to them spending time with him. Personally I would not introduce my children to anyone unless I was certain it was going to last and I'd been in a monogamous relationship for some time.

You start bringing your kids on dates and it might end up looking to them like you're bringing trail of men through their lives. Not a healthy childhood in my opinion.

Well - it's either a kids included date or a middle of the night romp ... I get why you are frustrated! Hard to get to know a guy that way.

You can say you'd rather have one date a week (or every second) and get to know him - like not in the middle of the night. Have him hire a sitter ... if he really wants to get to know you, he'll make the effort. If he's not willing to ... that's kind of your answer.

You're a hard working mom - say no to him coming over after his shifts. Set some limits. He will respect them (and again, if he doesn't - there's your answer).

I would keep your options open. If this guy isn't the best *fit* for you and your life (with your child), then why not keep some time available to meet someone who would fit it better?

It's still early ... I wouldn't settle.

Really think Marda's insight is bang on. And B's "friends with benefits" comment sort of sums things up (or so it appears from your post).

Good luck :) Remember - you deserve someone who will make time to get to know and your child! Don't rush it :)

I like Marda and B's answers. I will give my two cents as well. I think this is a hook up for him. How convenient that the time together is usually late at night, at the expense of your sleep. If he wants to have more time for you during the day, he will make time. Saying he's too busy is an excuse. Men make time for the things that matter to them.

If you really like him and want to see if there can be more there, continue to see him, but on your terms - No more late nights. Daytime activities, one or both of you can occasionally get a babysitter if need be. If he doesn't make the time for you that you need, move on. Why go through all of the hardships that a divorce entails just to stick yourself with another unhappy situation?

And don't close the book on other men. Don't be exclusive so soon after a divorce. Allow yourself the option of meeting other men who may be better fits or just to allow yourself to rediscover who you are as a dating woman and what you want in a partner at this time in your life. I'm sure it's much different than when you got married years ago. Have fun exploring your options.

I also agree with K-Bell that it's too early to be bringing a man around your kid(s). Wait until you are in a longterm, monogomous relationship before you allow them to become attached to a man your are dating.

You are recently divorced. Why are you already so emotionally involved with someone who doesn't fit with the schedule, etc?

Your children should be #1 right now, not your sex life and moving on. I'm sorry but really.. You should know and I think you do. Does "booty call" ring a bell? I hope it does. Because that's what you are.

You see actions by this new boy toy who schedules his time with you when it's best for him. He's got your goods when he wants them!

Please back off, give it time and remember... Your children should be your priority. They don't get a do over with childhood.

Brilliant comments below so I won't repeat endlessly. But here's what I see - you are either with your children, or you are in bed. I think it's great to feel that these are areas that are satisfying - because of course we want someone who likes and enjoys our kids, trips to the park, etc., and of course we enjoy the physical release as well as the reassurance that we are, in fact, attractive and desirable post divorce.

But here's the thing - you aren't having a relationship. You aren't dating. You aren't spending time getting to know each other.

So I think you should take the confidence boost that someone finds you attractive, and build on it. That means you trust that you are equally attractive to other men. It also means the thou value yourself enough to know you need some sleep before work. It also means that you don't introduce your child to a new man who might not be the only one you wind up dating. Don't ask her to have affection for people who might not be in it for the long haul.

It's completely and totally okay to get a babysitter! It's okay to have adult time when your daughter is with you and not with her father.

If this man values you, he will take "no midnight sex date" we, and respect you for it. If he has a lot of child care duties, then you should understand and value that. If his job situation will stabilize soon and he will be on the same hours/shift that you are, great. If this relationship has a future, a few scheduling glitches won't derail it. If saying "no" deters him, you have your answer now that he's not "the one" - and hooray for early notification on that!

But right now, neither one of you knows if the other one is "it"! You already feel "cheap" on this schedule. So draw a line in the sand, don't rush it, and trust that you are a desirable woman who will find someone someday if only you hold on to some standards. Maybe he feels the same way - a little afraid to do this right for fear of losing you.

Do it right. Most of us who've been divorced would, ultimately, rather know up front if there's a big problem. So go ahead and have some standards. If he's the right guy, he will welcome it. And I also think both of you should date others - if you later become exclusive with others, you will always know that it was a full decision and not just "settling" for what showed up at the front door.

C.,

Your own gut is telling you something, and you hit on this in your own words here about not putting "all of my eggs in one basket for a guy I am still getting to know."

Step back, if you can, and get some perspective on this. You're just newly divorced. Why the rush for a "relationship?" Why would you even want to get serious with anyone right now? Let yourself and your children catch your collective breaths from all of the other big changes you've just gone through.

Are you afraid if you let this relationship go, you'll never have another shot? That's false thinking, and you should rid yourself of that notion. There's a lot of life out there for you to discover, but you'll never even see it if you try to force a situation that just isn't right for you at this point in time.

When people (divorced or not) have young children, most of their time revolves around the children and their activities and schedules. That's just the way it is. Trying to force your schedules to match is futile because they won't at this point.

Stop with the 3 and 4 hours of sleep just to get time with this guy. It'll end up being harmful to you in many ways. Same with the events where you include kids. You've only been divorced a short time and only dating a couple of months. Seems a bit premature to start introducing kids into mix.

Instead, take the difference in your schedules as a gift, a message from the universe telling you to slow down. Take it easy. If all you can do is have dinner and a movie once a month with this guy, then take that for what it is: the reality of your current lives. Take this time to get to know him, truly, but don't discount being open to meeting others. It's way too soon to be thinking about selecting your next life partner.

J. F.

Take your time. It's only been 8 months. If it's going to work out, it will work out. If it's not, then maybe this is rebound guy to get you feeling more positive but not Mr. Forever and Ever. If your relationship is mostly physical and not a lot more, maybe that's what this relationship is and you need to decide if long-term this is going to work for you. It is OK if it isn't. I didn't date my husband for a year after we met because our schedules didn't work. He was my friend...but not my boyfriend. Also, if you invite him over late, then that kind of signals "booty call" vs date and if you really want to be wooed and dated, then you need to figure out ways to get a date. Like find a good sitter or a guy with a better schedule.

maybe if you just scaled back any expectations or parameters to 'will this work for me today?' and don't get too caught up in the long-term you'll be better able to enjoy it for what it is. you acknowledge that it's soon to be 'putting all your eggs in one basket' but that's fun when it works, so i'd just go with that.
one day at a time.
khairete
S.

Sounds to me like you need to scale it back a bit. I love what Marda and B said. If this is constantly in your mind and you're anxious and not sure what to do and going through all of these emotions....it's not ripe yet. I suggest you take some time off from this situation to focus on yourself, your kids, job, and sleep. Get yourself in check. Be open to seeing this guy and others, but don't put so much energy into it that you spin out of control. Slow it down. No more late night visits especially..he's getting the goods too early and that's why he says he'll "make time." Good luck. It's a weird time in your life, but your kids deserve to regroup and you deserve to figure out who you are. Even if it takes a few years. :)

With his schedule, you could easily take this slower and do an actual date every now and then and not be available for the late night visits. At the same time I'd be open to dating other people too. This current arrangement seems to take all the romance out of the most romantic time during a relationship. I wouldn't be into that. You can call the shots here and decide what you want to do.

Dating is for figuring out whether someone is a 'match' for you. Don't overthink this, just do it if you want to, and don't if you don't. The truth is, when kids are little, most of us don't have much time for ANYTHING we want to do for ourselves, and dating certainly falls under that category.

If you want to date, i.e. 'try out' other people, while you're dating this guy, then do so. Realistically you shouldn't commit to this guy for a few years anyway, since you both have little kids, and you will need a long time to figure out whether the two of you make a good team.

Relax and do what feels good (as long as your kids come first).

Hey sweetie, Girrl I feel your pain. My boyfriend and I are both full time single working parents. Thankfully both sets of our kids are gone at the same time...so I know I get to see him every other wknd, just adult time, and we normally have a midweek dinner. That was at my suggestion bc our extremely limited time was a huge turn off, like not worth it yknow. This wknd we have bn together a year. Not engaged, not living together and no set plans to do that. We've had to move very slow obviously bc of the kids. In fact we were just talking today that us being together a year is like most ppl being together six months. Bc on my weekends when my boy is gone, other stuff has to be done, we can't literally hang out the whole time. It is so much more challenging than I thought it'd be!! I'm so thankful I didn't throw in the towel just bc it felt weird...bc now we have a pretty good schedule. We're committed. But we dated "not committed" for about three months. And as far as sex, it had to taper off for us to really do anything else or hv quality time...plus, we're tired hell, lol. We're in our mid and late thirties though...my advice for what it's worth..enjoy the space you have, ensure he's still initiating hanging out or doing things with you not just you initiating, know that this relationship and type of dating is not something most ppl can relate to, and unless you're completely unhappy with it or it's hurting you, enjoy what you can out of it. The type of relationship I have right now is the most I can give bc I don't wanna progress until I'm *sure* as I can be bc we don't wanna hurt the kids. It used to be really hard for me to just accept things the way they are, but I'm thankful I have somebody (him) to talk to, spend my time with aaand of course the sex part. But it's pretty infrequent bc of our limited time together....anyway, I'm sorry for this being so long but I can completely relate and there's never posts about this on here. Very hard to find ANYONE I can talk to that really gets it.
That's all I got for now, good luck. In the end it'll all be ok regardless of the outcome. :)

I have been through this exactly. I met my now husband soon after my divorce was final, 3 months actually, and I did not plan to date, let alone marry again but here we are. He lived about 40 minutes from me so we talked on the phone...a lot, and late into the night. I lived with my mom so sometimes he would come over and pick me up for a late movie or dinner after work. Hes in sales so he doesn't have set hours, just appointments. I was home during the day running a business from home so he would come over if he had some time between appointments. But it was hard. My ex was flexible with our parenting time and since he had our kids every other weekend, we switched so our kids were on the same weekend schedule so we either had the kids or not kids at all. THAT was the key to us getting together. We spend Friday thru Sunday at 6pm when we got the kids back. Then the next weekend we would all hang out and him and I during the week when we could. So try to get the kids all on the same schedule and that will help. But don't stress about it, if it's meant to be, it will work out how it should. Good luck.