Single Mom Moving Family Out of State.

I disagree. I think the parent comes first (some mama says she feels children come first). I say if you are not happy the kids will not be happy. Good luck.

If you can get work, it's not that tricky to move out of state. I've done it many times in my life. Are your sons' fathers the same person? If so, move near him as you which is your nothern option I think. Then hopefully he can help care for your/his sons and you can travel to see your daughter probably more often than you do now. That way your sons get a father and extended family and hopefully your daughter gets her mother more often. If you can afford it, I'd put your stuff in storage, drive up and rent a furnished apt for a month. Search for corporate housing. That'll give you time to check things out. Or can't your sons's father help you at all in terms of picking the best actual town? I'd also join local mothers' clubs. They are usually super cheap and you can start asking advice before you get there.

I would go where you can see your daughter and your sons can see their dad. Kids come first in my book.

I suggest that you make lists. First list all the advantages moving to place 1 would have and then list all the disadvantages. Do the same for place 2. Then compare all the lists.

I think looking at housing as well as career opportunities in both places would be a good way to start.

I moved, as a single mother to a teen girl, from Oregon to Arizona. The move worked out well for my daughter. I agree that you don't need to necessarily be concerned about how the move will affect your sons in regards to just the move. However, being close to the boy(s) father could be good for him/them. Being close to your daughter would also be good for her. Knowing which place would be best is difficult. I suggest that lists of positives and negatives may help.

I would move if I were in your shoes.

I would suggest spending a few weekends in each area and see what the low down is. I'd find the job before moving. For the sake of the kids if the father is involved I would not move 12 hours away from their family. If the father is not that involved then I would consider a farther connection. I'm a city suburbanite myself. Love the city but its hard on the kids who will have more smog, more crazy people early on and less parks etc. I'd look for an area that will afford my kids a park to go play at and have like minded kids.

...Wherever you move--just be able to visit your daughter monthly.

What about your daughter? How far away would you be if she lives with her father full-time? And what about your sons' father(s)? Have you considered all these other relationships that your kids have with the non-custodial parents?

Good for you. Move now while your sons are young so they can make friends and connections where YOU want to end up living. Once they are involved in school and activities, it will be harder to make a change.

I see you are already 6 hours away from your daughter so it's not like you get to see her every weekend where you live now. How old is she? Every time I fly, there are at least one or two unaccompanied minors on board, children flying between their parents' homes. It's not perfect but doable. You might want to choose a location with easy access to an airport to facilitate your daughter's visits.

You are important: your job, your support system and your living environment. Yes, your children are important and your boys are going with you. Unfortunately, you cannot live near your daughter's and your sons' fathers at the same time. It sounds like the N location is a good fit for the you and your boys. If it is a good location for work, it could provide future career or college opportunities for your daughter when she is older.

I think the reason that the thought of moving can be daunting is that we think about it as one huge project and get lost in all the details and get overwhelmed. The biggest decision is where are you moving. From reading your post, you've already answered that, you are moving to the North city.

Next, find a way to break down the details and tasks of your move. What method has worked/not worked for you before? Are you a list maker, a calendar maker, or do you have a method of breaking down projects to manageable chunks. Pick a method and use it.

If I were doing this move, I'd start with housing - city, specific area of city, neighborhood, type of housing - research and find housing. Deal with dispatching current housing. Then I'd pick a date. One thing at a time. Huge projects get done by doing one small task at a time.

Good luck! It sounds to me from reading your post that a move has the potential to rejuvenate your life.

I have been a divorced mom since my daughter was four, she is 19 now. In our minds we committed to being extremely readily available to the other parent (like one mile apart readily available). The quality of my daughter's growth and development was also very dependent on having both parents there even if we were not working hard enough at staying married. That trumped my global career opportunities.

You don't want "parenting" advice but to me that was of the highest importance. To me the only options would be convincing the joint custody ex to move closer to your daughter with you or to stay put until the baby is grown.

It was just posted here recently but YOU may be able to move anywhere, your joint custodial children...not so much.

I don't want to anger you, this is huge to me and has worked out beautifully for our daughter.

A., generally, "up north" is a lot more expensive than down south. Taxes are very high (specifically property taxes). You may be giving up a lot of your salary. If you choose to rent rather than purchase, your rent will still be a lot higher too. Car insurance will probably be higher as well.

I will also tell you that you also have to consider having to live in a more expensive place to find a good school. If you are living in the city, you have to work through urban schools, which are far different than the schools your children attend. That's the first thing you must figure out. We have always lived in neighborhoods because of the schools - always. Usually, the better the school, the more expensive the neighborhood.

Real estate agents are not allowed to tell you if schools are good or not. You will have to determine it some other way.

Hope this helps.
Dawn

how exciting! it sounds like this will be a wonderful thing for you and your boys, although i suppose it will be hard as far as your daughter is concerned.
start with the good ol' internet and do some research on each place you're considering. look at work opportunities, housing prices, schools, crime rates and leisure activities. this will help you weed out places that are less likely to work.
if possible, visit and try to spend a few days in each potential place. the feel and energy of any place are the best indicators of how they'll jive with you.
enjoy the process! and good luck.
:) khairete
S.

I A. a city girl through and through. When I was in college I moved from OKC to Norman, hated OU so I transferred to OSU in Stillwater. That was the boonies as far as I was concerned. I was scared spit-less to make the move to say the least. Silly 45 mile move but to me it was the ends of the earth because I had never had to travel to go anywhere. I was in my 20's and had a daughter but she didn't play into my decision at all. I had to go to school so moving was just what I did to do that.

I know through many adventures with my friends who have to move often due to hubby's work that moving is one of those things that reflects the person's personality.

If you are an organized person who has everything down to a science then it will be an easy thing. If you're like me then moving is a chore that is best done over several months. The packing, putting stuff in storage, cleaning, sorting, culling, etc...all take time and effort. Working and spending that time going through everything is a wonderful opportunity to make change in what you own too.

I think that my friend who, at her 25th wedding anniversary party, said "I think in 25 years we've moved over 50 times for his work" had moving down to a science. When they found out they were being transferred or having to find a new job due to layoffs then they would have the biggest garage sale and sell everything they could. Dishes, TV's, pictures off the walls, lamps, end tables, all the stuff that really has no personal attachment. They would just get rid of those excess things. When they got to the new house they'd look around and find them some place cheap.

This way they could rent the moving truck to do the move themselves or pay the movers to do the moving for them.

I see that you currently live 6 hours from your daughter and 12 hours from your ex's family. If you move closer to your daughter it won't make much difference unless you are right in her neighborhood because you already see her, correct? You have a schedule that you keep and you get to see her as often as allowed?

The other thing is that son is 8 and may not be seeing his dad's side of the family very much.

If son could have a closer relationship with people from dad's side that are good influences and that are desirable connections then I think I would move closer to them.

I also wonder if you moved 6 hours north but not so much to the east would it make it better to be equal distance from both sides of the family?

Making changes is a lot of fun if you're prepared. Moving to a place like NYC would be crazy to me. Why in the world would anyone want to move to a place where real estate is so expensive is beyond any reasoning to me. Moving to some place like the country is beyond normal to me too.

I long for the city life, traffic, malls, theatre, movie premieres that are not already on showtime, life in general. So finding the right place is so important.

Take some time this spring and travel...go to see ex's family and check out the cost of housing, the feel for the "perfect" neighborhood, what it would be like to be around those people all the time, day after day, then think about how involved with daughter's day to day life would be like. Going to school pageants, teacher's meetings, school activities, dealing with ex and his wife daily, all the "joy" of being around "family" all the time and making plans around what they want.

Any place you move is temporary. You most likely won't live there the rest of your life. BUT living somewhere should be pleasant and fulfilling. If it's not then it's time to look elsewhere.

Are you able to move out of state per your custody agreement?

If you are unhappy living there and see better possibilities somewhere else and the courts are okay with the move ---- GO FOR IT!!!!

Go to the place where you will be happy.