Single Mom, Seeking Advice on Visitation Issues

I would never take a chance when it comes to my child's safety and well-being. I understand the desire for your child to know his father...but i think it would be more damaging for him to be arond an abusive father. There are other people (male friends, family members) where he can get that "positive father figure" - a better role model. As long as you see that his dad is not controlling his anger (and just as bad - not paying child support!) - i wouldn't allow him access (if the courts allow that). Good luck...sounds like your son has a very loving mom...he's a lucky boy!

Hi L.,
I haven't ever been faced with this so I have nothing but an opinion to give. In my opinion your child's safety and health emotionally is the key issue. If you can't trust his dad with him, then by all means keep them separated. Also if the dad doesn't pay child support and realize the needs of his son, then he doesn't deserve any visitation. Yes every kid deserves two parents, I will agree with that, but then when you have a parent that doesn't show or demonstrate parenthood, that is not a parent. So the parenting has to be done by you. Which includes keeping him safe above all else. Emotionally as well as physically! Its just my opinion, but some dad's should be glad I'm not a judge in a court system,,LOL

Hi there,
I'm a single mom and I was in the EXACT same situation as you.

I was all about "I want to be nice to the dad and a kid should have 2 parents, even though he doesn't pay" thing...EVEN though I had these HUGE misgivings, just like you.

It went on for 5 years, and even though the father was not physically abusive, he was emotional abusive in other ways that makes one cringe to hear. By the time she was 5 yrs old and ready to go into kindergarten, I was a nervous wreck and so was she, BUT WE DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT.

At that time, he abducted her. That was my turning point. When I got her back, 48 hours later, I refused to let him see her unless he stopped doing (the various sicko things he was doing), and [he would have to] agree to my various requests.

Note: He also had refused to sign the birth certificate and NEVER made a single payment (except to pitch in for medical, as his reasoning was that parents who share equally shouldn't have to pitch in -- ie, he'll pay for her stuff when HE has her and vice versa). Needless to say, I was bearing the brunt of the whole kit and kaboodle

Needless to say, he had me HIGHLY confused, at the time. When I finally put my foot down, he couldn't take my assertiveness (compared to my passiveness prior) and dropped ALL interest in my daughter like a ROCKET. He disappeared and we never heard from him again.

Lastly, 2 WEEKS after I "stopped" being a complete idiot, my daughter & I RELAXED so much, we actually blinked our eyes in surprise. I HAD NO IDEA how stressed I was, and how WONDERFUL it was not having to WORRY about a seriously mentally-strained persone in our..."field".

To this day, I deeply regret that time I left her with him, as some awful things were done. IT'S ALL MY FAULT. Don't make the same mistake I did!

Best,
C., RN

Hi L.,

I am now 43, but when I was in my early 20's I was a single mom of a boy and had left an abussive relationship when our son was 2months old. Well, when my son was about 4 he told me that his father had slapped him across the face. I was really shocked and worried. I made some calls and then asked my ex husband if he would attend parenting classes with me and he agreed. It really was a positive shift in the whole parenting dynamic. However, your situation may be more complex. If your son's father doesn't want to see his son in a committed way, then it's best to leave that door shut and help your son deal with his feelings and get some really great male role models. If your ex is really a loving and committed father, then perhaps you can leverage him into anger management and parenting workshops/classes. First and foremost, make sure you and your son are safe. I an now remarried (to a real good guy) and have two more young sons -doing it all over again!!!

If you can't be sure he is safe, then I would say no way to visitation. You do not sound hateful or ugly about your ex, so I do not see that you would be hurting the long term. You are just safe guarding your son. If his dad wants a healthy relationship with him - great. But if you are not sure ...

I would plan a special place time and place for him to visit his Son. He needs to know He cannot get away with hurting your Son or you. Have special people to be there when he visit. He then will have to behave around his son. Do this for awhile. Then when he starts to change his attitude things could get better.
It sounds to me he wants the title of being a father. But not the responsibility of being a carring daddy.
You must do something before he really hurts that child or you.

Hi L.,
I know you are torn about this, and it is hard to be a good parent, to say the least, much less having to worry about this type thing. I have not personnally experienced this but I do have friends and family members who have, and I can tell you this. No matter how much you try to protect your son, not letting him see his father will be a mistake. Usually when the children get older and realize the absence of a parent in their life, the good parent gets the blame for it. It is not important to the child at that time, that it was for his own good, all they know is, he was kept from his dad/mother, which ever may be the case. Also, the state does not recognize child support as a drawback for visitaton with a parent. They say one isssue has nothing to do with the other. I would seek out the advice of a GOOD attorney and certainly stay on your knees and in touch God about this. He is the GREAT physician and He knows all.
You're in my prayers. Good luck and God Bless!
R.

I agree with Diana D. IF you son's Dad is not man enough to pay child support and AGREE to go to anger management classes he does not deserve to be around you son. They will have plenty of time to build a relationship; IF, there is ever going to be one. It sounds like to me that the Dad is very immature and NOT willing to hold down a full time job, or does he) in order to help you support your son. REMEMBER, when or if he does pay child support he will have visiting rights! Maybe the Dad just needs a place to stay and you sound as if you are responsible enough to take care of yourself and your son at the same time. HOWEVER, you can go to Legal Aid Services, if you don't have the money to hire an attorney. It is based on your income and they will represent you; GO there before your son's Dad has a chance to! Make sure your final decision is NOT based on you and your ex just getting back together; because, it sounds like you made a wise decision to protect your son and yourself in the beginning. The most solid advice I think I can give you is, YOUR EX probably will NOT change! KEEP working! Taking care of your son's welfare and protection is your MOST important thing in this matter. IF you get legal help the courts will supervise things for a while; and, it sounds like supervised visits are the correct way to go. Most of all you DO NOT want to put your son in danger! Having "Both" parents is not always the best situation! I pray that God will send someone into your life who will love you and your son like a father should. I had a wonderful Step-Father who loved my Mother very much; and, he treated me as if I were his own child. Blessings to YOU!

L., don't let this guy into your son's life until he earns it. My 7 year old has not seen her father since she was a baby, mainly because he wasn't a good influence. I felt the same as you at first but after he threatened my life in front of my daughter I realized that neither of us needed that nonsense, especially a young child. She is not bothered that she doesn't have two parents. She has more love in her life than any other child in this world, and she lives without the constant drama that came with allowing her father to come around. Trust me, you and your son will BOTH be better off if you put your foot down. If this man really wanted to be with your son he would put your son's needs first and pay you some child support. I know it's hard, but you can do it!!!

L.,

You are right to put your son and his security first. As a single mother with a non-participating father I know how hard it can be. But know this, no influence is better than a bad influence any day. I never spoke a deragatory word about his father and always encouraged his dad to at least spend time with him even if he wasn't willing or able to pay child support. I have always tried to nurture a relationship between the two of them, even going as far to plan outings or arrange play dates. Although his father was not abusive I did not allow him to have unsupervised visits. I strongly suggest you do the same. Never allow others to bad mouth your child's father, even if it's the truth, in front of your son. Just allow your son to come to his own conclusions about his dad and be there to support him in every way. No doubt, every child needs and deserves two parents but sometimes this simply is not possible. Love your child enough for two parents and he will still become a well-adjusted, successful young man. We will never know how not having a father will impact their lives but I am committed to giving him every opportunity to live a full and happy life. You must encourage him to be his very best. Believe me, children are stronger than we think. Hopefully, his dad will get the help he needs to deal with his anger. Otherwise, it is your job to protect and love your son. Plenty of children are successfully raised in single parent homes. Yours does not have be a bad experience for you or your son. You may email me at ____@____.com wishes to you and your son.

Maybe you could allow visits in public places (monitored visits). This way the potential risk for harm is minimized- Dad may be less likely to lose his cool when there is an audience. i hope things work out- there should be more research done on whether the presence of two parents is better in all situations-especially when there is an unstable parent?!?!? best wishes, God Bless!

Mornin L. !!!

I would say...go talk to a lawyer and see where you stand, telling him/her of course, the whole entire situation, see where and how you stand legaly...the saftey of your son is first and foremost...sounds like to me your son's father needs to go and complete anger management classes before there is visitation with his son...to me him not paying child support sounds like he doesn't care about his son...the $$$ is not for you...it is to help raise your son in the best way possible...went through this with my daughter and her twins...years ago...see a lawyer L. !!!

Let your ex have supervised visits that are maybe an hour long. They can be supervised by a family member that you trust. I had to do that with my ex.

My ex has always been in and out of my daughters life - where he shows up and will be with her for a couple months. Then he'd disappear for 6 months. So this inconsistency was really bothering my daughter. So I put a stop to his 'visits'.

L.- I'm feeling compelled to answer. My ex was abusive to me and has major anger issues too and other things. He left me when my son was 5 months old for another woman. We have joint custody with me having primary residence. I have had the same thoughts that you are having and worry that my son (he is 3 now) will be in therapy for the rest of his life b/c he is even around that idiot. The only thing that helps me is that on the other hand if you don't let him see him your son could feel rejected by his Dad and have major rejection issues about that too. I pray that God will watch over him and keep him safe while he is gone. Since I legally have to send him that is what I have to do. Trust me I use to hope that the world really was flat and he would walk off the end of it. But you don't want your son to feel rejected and trouble with relationships in the future b/c of it. Hang in there I know how you feel and there is a really great book called "Joint Custody with a Jerk" it is realy good.

I personally would put a parenting plan into effect which states he has to seek counseling and show proof on a regular basis, then I would seek out Child Support Services to have child support drawn thru the court, they may also be able to help with the plan to get him into counseling. He needs to be responsible financially and emotionally.

Hi L.,

My name is A. and I am a 32 year old divorced single mother going through the same thing as you. I dont know what to do in the situation as far as a relationship, but your first priority is to protect your child. I would suggest bringing this information up in court and maybe asking the court to make him take parenting classes. All God, time and maturity will take care of the rest. Until then, you can let them have phone calls between each other while you monitor the calls. I have had to do that with my daughter. As she is getting older, she is seeing that her father is not what she expected him to be. She can clearly put 2 and 2 together. It hurts, but I just let her know that I am there for her and the 2 of us together have more love for each other than most large families. That and I also remind her she does have a father who truly loves and cares for her. He is in heaven protecting her and watching her every move.. his name is GOD. Get your faith where it belongs, with HIM and everything else will fall into place. I am new to being a christian, a few months back I would never have thought that I would be saying this to anyone.. But GOD really does work.. especially for us single moms.

I personally would NOT let this man have any one on one contact with your son. If he has a safe place, around other people (his parents, maybe?) where he can visit with him, fine. The thing to remember is, DNA does NOT make him a father, being a good parent does. And it's not true that ANY dad is better than a BAD dad. Having a parent who is angry and violent is much worse than having a parent who is absent. And the other thing to consider is this - what if something were to happen to your son, wouldn't you feel responsible? And even worse than that, DFAC might consider you responsible to the point that you could loose custody of your son. Let this man PROVE that he wants to be a father - by paying child support, making phone calls and visiting with him in a supervised place - and if he can't do that, then he doesn't REALLY want to be a parent. You don't have to tell your son that his father doesn't want to see him, just tell him that right now he isn't able. Who knows, things may change, or your son may be able to develop a relationship with him as he gets older. The important thing right now is your child's safety. Good luck!

I would advise seeking supervised visitations. Perhaps have the father come on one of your days off from work to visit, staying for about an hour at first. If all goes well, the time can increase. Remember it is not always the amount of time they spend together, but the quality of the time. If he really wants to spend time with his son, he will do so in a way that makes you, the mother and his son comfortable ... and asking him to start off with supervised visitation is not unreasonable. (Supervised simply means you are there in the house, but not actively engaged in the visitation). It would build trust between all of you as well as provide your young son the opportunity to be reintroduced to his father while remaining in a familar and comforting space (his home).

If what you want for child is to grow up believing that his father's behavior is okay then, by all means let them visit. If you want your child to learn better behavior then keep him away from his father. Unfortunately, you may have to seek council on this matter depending on what your ex does. I hope that you are keeping a journal of all that happens during these visits and converstions with your ex. You will want to be very prepared if he should decide to go the court route... or worse!!! Unless your child's father is getting the proper help for his abusive behavior he is NOT going to change no matter what he SAYS. Your child's and your wellbeing is the most important thing here. I wish you the best with this bad situation.

I am also a single mom with a four year old daughter - and am dealing with some of the same issues you are. I think everyone who has responded telling you to protect your child is right. BUT ... do it in a way that you won't suffer repercussions from a rebellious teenage son (no matter how wonderful he is now - those hormones will come into play).

I don't live in Wake County - but there is a program called Project Enlightenment that is FREE and wonderful - use it if you can. If you aren't a Wake county resident - get advice via the phone (they don't ask where you are from).

I am currently in counseling (both professional and through my church) - so that I will be able to answer my daughter's questions - in a way that shows her I love her and gives her a good feeling about herself. And when my daughter reaches her rebellious years, I will be able to tell her I did everything in her best interest - and be able to back it up.

At four years old - children are trying to figure out who they are and where they come from. Do NOT say anything bad about your son's father, your son will internalize it and feel that he too, is in some way bad.

Sorry, it's hard to vocalize two months of counseling - but it has made a world of difference for me. And I feel so much better having an arsenol of answers ready on the tip of my tongue should my daughter start asking really hard questions.

Stay strong
H.

L.,

You sure are very mature for your age!!This is a tough one, but here is my opinion: I am concerned about the anger issue and your son being exposed to it and learning from it. Is there another male figure in your life (his grandfather, an uncle)? These people may help to fill the void. I do not think that you need to stress when he is with his Dad wondering whether or not it is a healthy environment. What about supervised visits? Maybe the 3 of you go out and have a nice time and then you go home with your son (if that can be done without his anger getting in the middle of it). I have an 11 year old boy who means the world to me. His Dad and I are divoreced, but he is a great Dad. If I hade anger management issues to deal with, I do not think I would be able to let my son be with him. I hope this helps and has not confused you more. D.

Do not let the father be with the child until he goes to anger management courses...No child deserves to be with anyone who is abusevie physically or mentally!You are who he depends on,If the father refuses to get help do not allow him to see the child....Also it is his responsibility to pay and help raise the child if he dosent he is not really interested,He just wants to have that hold over you...

In my personal opinion I would tell his dad to take anger management classes and start pay child-support. Even though you have left your husband, by letting him keep haveing contact with your son it is teaching your son that this kind of behavior is acceptable. I know how bad you want a father for your son. I was a single mother of 3 and would have loved to have had a father for them (he took off with another woman and I never saw him after the divorce). I would also get consueling for you and your son to help you through this. I wish you the best of luck and pray that your son and his father can have a healthy, normal relationship. Take care and God bless.

Merely having two parents in a child's life is not necessarily better than having one good parent. My 1st husband and I divorced when our daughter was 2. He moved back to his hometown four states away from us to take care of his ailing father. Circumstances caused him to rarely see her. She grew up with me as a positive role model. My father was also a good male figure in her life. She thought it was normal to have only one parent in her family.
Children of single parents grow into perfectly healthy adults all the time. As long as YOU teach him and nurture him like he should be I don't think it's really necessary that his father be part of his life. Who knows, in the years to come you may meet a wonderful man, remarry and your son will have a positive male role model instead of the negative one your ex seems to be. You certainly don't want him to grow up to be an abusive adult like his dad is. Children do model what they see.

L.,
The BEST way for you son's father to show he wants to be responsible is for him to seek help for his anger management. If he TRULY wants to be involved in you son's life then he should recognize that being a positive influence to a child is CRITICAL AND MANDATORY!! Personally, that would be the only way I would let him be involved. The last thing you need is for your son to grow up learning those same bad habits. How does your son feel about the situation?

I would limit the visits. Don't let your son be around someone that is so angry all the time. He doesn't need that. He is going to have enough of his dna as it is. you need to try and sway your son to the other side of anger not to the side of anger. I would just do what you are doing now.... occassional visits and then tell the dad to go get help and then you will talk about it.

i would consult a lawyer on the issue. if he really wants to see his son, the courts can order him to pay child support and take anger management classes. also, you can seek supervised visitations, at least until he gets his anger under controll.

L.,
I was a single mom for 3 years now I am happily married. I am familiar with the worry of my child with the father. You really need to make sure that you keep up with documentation. Unless you have a restraining order or something legal you really cannot refuse for your child to see his father. I know that sounds horrible. I am just recently going through a child support battle with my daughters father. My lawyer told me that if I ever tried to keep her from going to his house for his visitation it would be grounds for him to be able to obtain custody. With him having violant tendancies the judge may not rule in his favor if it ever came to that. I never thought that I would be standing in front of a judge with my situation and when I had to I was glad that I had all my past documentation to support my side. Good luck and I will be praying for you.
C.

L.,

Ask your ex to get help. Do not take any chances. He has to proof that he is getting anger management-classes Keep him under strict supervison. Otherwise say no! Your son only has you to think for him!

M.

Hey girl, I am no expert but I am a mother of 3. I was a single mother of 2 for a few years and it is a very tough job! I also understand where you are coming from on the visitation thing. I have issues with the things that my 2 oldest children are exposed to at thier dads house. I am considering supervised visitation. I do not want to completely take thier dad out of thier lives so this was the only other alternative for me. Im not sure how it would work for you but it may be something to consider! Good luck and God bless you for raising a wonderful young man on your own!! I will keep you in my prayers!

T. K.

You are right when you say your son comes 1st in this situation. Do not give him any visitation. His safety and yours are important. If you fell threatened then you will have to take further action.You do not want your son imitating his Dad. Find a family memeber or church member to be a good example for your son, be careful though when you are as vonerable as your self at this time.Stay strong L. and seek higher guidance.

Hi L.,
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. Here are my thoughts on this issue. Until your ex has therapy for his anger issues and is working on some kind of steady payment arrangement for child support, I would not recommend he have unsupervised visits with your son. You are right to put your son first and clearly his dad is not. At this young age, your son is very vulnerable to the behavior exhibited by your ex and he will, most likely, internalize it and somehow believe he is the cause. Unbelievable as that sounds. The issue of child support is also important for the reason you stated, that it shows your ex is showing responsibility for his son. Bottom line, your ex needs to step up to the plate and show he has what it takes to be a good dad to your son first before he can spend time with him without supervision. Good luck!

You cannot, and the courts will not, equate paying child support with visitation. So many parents, especially moms, won't let their kids see their dads because of that issue. It's a felony in some states to deny parenting time.

Does he have anger control issues with your son? If yes, then supervised vistation should be in place. There are visitation centers in almost any community. If no, then what's the problem? If you can't handle seeing your ex, exchange him at a supervised exchange location, or at a police station or social services center. Whatever you do, don't be confrontational during the exchange, like asking about child support, etc. It's inappropriate. If there are questions about your son, then have a notebook or something you can exchange with your son, where you can write down questions, comments, etc., about parenting.

Dads get frustrated and angry when they are not allowed to parent their children. Wouldn't you? They miss them. You must put yourself in his shoes to try and understand his point of view. Lots of luck!

L.,
What a good mom you are, and a strong, courageous woman! It cannot be easy to raise a child on your own, without child support, nor can it have been easy to edure, then exit, an abusive relationship!! Your concern for your son's emotional and physical well-being cannot be derailed by any guilt over not having a Dad in his life at this time. Your first and only priority is to stay safe and free of an abuser. As a Guardian Ad Litem for many years, I can say with absolute candor that I have NEVER seen an abusive spouse simply stop being absusive long-term. They ALWAYS become abusive again. Your son has an incredible, strong woman (you!) in his life. He doesn't "need" a Dad who hurts his mom. If he wants to see his son, you should go about this very carefully, thinking it through. Request proof he is attending/ completing ager-management classes, and is making up his unpaid child-support BEFORE you agree to any supervised visitation, if you must. (He must go to court to request these supervised visits, not you.) You are under NO OBLIGATION to this man. Your son will be fine w/o him in his life, as long as you remain such a strong, dedicated mom. If you truly feel he needs a male role-model, you can request one thru Big Brothers, or thru participation in church/school/sports activities when age-appropriate.
Stick to your convictions, and do not allow manipulation thru guilt to weaken your resolve. Your safety, your son's safety is all that matters. This man gave you the only good part of himself already,... your son!
Stay strong!
Warmly,
C. S.

Hey L.,
You seem like such a lovely young woman and mother. I know your son deserves 2 parents, but the truth is he has only one....you. So, your instincts about keeping visitations from his father are right. What your son deserves is protection from his hostile father. Why expose him to this negativity? It sounds like it would only hurt your son, damage him in many ways. So, being the strong woman you seem to be....keep protecting your son from the damage that would occur with his father. Being a father means support in every way. Sounds like he doesn't support anything in anyway. Your son doesn't need such a hostile person in his life, just so he can have 2 parents. Good job L......keep your boy safe.

Have you talked to an attorney? He/She might recommend a court ordered anger-management class for your ex or supervised visitation or both. Regardless, he is likely to become angry at the mere mention of this. OR depending on how sincere he is about having a relationship with his son, he might be willing to do anything. Very delicate situation. The priority here is the safety of you and your son. I pray you have lots of family/close friends nearby. You and your son will be in my prayers.

K.

Hello Single Mom:

Has there been court involvement regarding custody and set visitation through the courts? If not you may want to check into petitioning the court. You can request scheduled and monitored visitation for the child and dad. This gives clear boundaries for the dad to follow and allows for a safety factor for everyone involved. I would recommend drop off and pick up in public or at local law enforcement complex. There are also advocates in some agencies (courts, sheriff office) that can help you with these types of situations. Follow your instinct and do what you feel is best for your child. If the child is old enough ask him/her their feelings about visiting the dad. May God give you strength and courage as you go through this challanging time. Love and prayers B.

I can't imagine how torn you feel and I agree the best thing for a child is 2 parents taking part in his/her life. However, when one parent has repeatedly shown irresponsibility and immaturity by exposing his child to inappropriate or hurtful behavior, he loses that parental right. Your child's safety and well-being come before any obligation to strengthen and support the father-child relationship. NEVER leave your child with anyone, not anyone, whom you suspect could harm your child, even inadvertantly. I would not leave your child unsupervised with your husband until he's had counseling or some other intervention and has proven he can control himself and keep his child safe. I hope this situation works out in the best interest of your child!
M. D.