Single Mom's and New Relationships

S.,

You first need to understand that you are an amazing woman and mother! I am a single mother of three; 13 yr old boy and 9 yr old twins. I was married for 12 yrs when my oldest son told me that his Dad had a girlfriend. Needless to say its hard to hear that your husband has a girlfriend but then to be clued in by your oldest old son is a tough one. I realized after some time on my own and focusing on my kids that I had to find me again. I had been so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else that I seemed to lose me along the way. I ended up running into my high school crush when I was out with some friends and we've been together ever since. Its been over a year now and my kids truely love him though my oldest son has given me a hard time when he gets mad at me. He tends to throw stuff in my face that he thinks will hurt when he is mad at me or frustrated...I have informed my son though that he needs to understand that he is the child and Im the adult. Im not asking permission...and he needed to understand that he will respect me and that was the end of it. Your daughter needs to respect you, your relationship as well as the man you are dating regardless of what her opinion is of it. Her behavior can weigh on your relationship if she doesnt stop. You are more than just a person...you are one that deserves a companion because before you were your daughter's mother, you were a woman that deserves a good life. Your daughter is being selfish and immature and at this time you need to think of yourself. You have lived your life for the past 15 yrs soley for her....now its time for you!!! Good luck with this....I wish you the best!

Wow. I can't pretend to understand why you chose to put yourself on hold for 15 years. Since when does being a single mom (widowed or otherwise) mean you only live for your child(ren)? I always felt that if I was a happy person, then I would be a better mother.

I was a single mom for most of the first 15 years of my sons life, and he's about to turn 19. He very rarely stayed with babysitters, and never had "weekends at dads" so he was with me 99% of the time. He would stay with my mother (in another state) over summer vacations for a few weeks, and he stayed with my dad (locally) for overnights sometimes, but that was it. And I still managed to date when I was so inclined. And I never believed in running a parade of men through my house, in his view, so he was not aware of my social activities in that way, unless it was going somewhere long term. When it became more than dating, then he was introduced to them. He seemed okay with that. I was always careful to not be too overly affectionate at first, it was more like an introduction to a friend of mine, that he got comfortable with and then we would introduce the "couple-ness" in his presence.

That being said, I've always told him that he was allowed to have his own opinions of people, but he was not allowed to be disrespectful - not to them, not to me. I never allowed any of my boyfriends to parent him, as that was not their place, but he had to be polite and respectful.

I think your daughter is having this issue because she's only ever known you to live for her. If it never occurred to her that you might want to have a life outside of her, then she has probably become a very selfish, self-involved person (not uncommon for teenagers anyway) and is not going to handle well the "abandonment" caused by your sudden interest in yourself.

But this is an "adult" we're talking about. I would say a firm discussion is in order. Explain that you chose to focus on her while she was growing up and you put your own needs as a woman and an individual on hold all that time. That now that she is "of age" it is time for you to start living your life for you, since she will be moving on with hers in the near future. If she loves you, she should want you to be happy and find a companion to spend your time with, hopefully someone you can spend your life with. That love is not finite, and just because someone else is in your heart, that does not mean there isn't still room for her. She's your daughter, she will always have a place with you, but just as she is moving on with her life, now you need to do the same with yours. I would also have a heavy bit of conversation about how no amount of adulthood gives her the right to speak to you the way that she has and that needs to come to an abrupt halt, just as the rude behavior and disrespect she is showing your friend. Tell her she is free to have her opinions and you'll listen to them, but you will make your own choices (just as she will), and then it's not up for a vote. Your choice is the choice that matters. And, as always, if you don't like the rules of the house, feel free to leave it.

Good Luck, and let us know what happens.

Sounds like she has not really dealt with the death of her dad. Also, by not dating while she was growing you made her the priority and she is now used to that... not easy to let go of the spotlight. It is apparent that she feels like she needs your attention still. Sit down and talk with her calmly. She will get upset, but it sounds like you are skirting the issue by throwing her out because of her language. Let her know that you focused on her happiness for the last 18 years and now that she is an adult you want to focus on yours whether it be friends or dating.

She has NO right to speak to you with anything other than respect. Her father's death isn't your fault. I would ask her outright if she expects you to be alone and lonely for the rest of your life. I'd bet she never looked at life from that perspective before. As an 18-year old, she is totally "me" centered and needs to start seeing you as someone with needs and who calls the shots. Out of respect for her, however, I wouldn't bring anyone around her until you are really really sure he's going to be around for a long time.

well, it may not be the same, but my brother and I decided when we were younger, of course, to live with my dad and his new wife. She had never been exposed to kids before. My brother was like 16 and was caught growing pot in our backyard and my step mom put it down the garbage disposal, which made my brother cry. My brothers grades went down, so she took away his pager... or maybe it was a cell phone? anyway, my brother said that she couldn't do that and tried to slap her but she caught his hand and my dad body slammed him onto his bed and made him get out. That's a bit extreme and soap opera-like but my dad kicked my brother out when he was a minor for being disrespectful... and... illegal... but anyway, I think you're doing the right thing. She's old enough to be on her own. And it's time you did your own thing. She needs to stop being so selfish. She'll come around you'll see. :) My brother did.

I would assume she jealous that she doesn't have you 100 percent attention anymore. You revolved your life around her for 15 years, what has she done on her own? What has she accomplished on her own without you? I was married for 19 years before I finally got the courage up to divorce their Dad. Yes it was hard on my children and they kind of know now why? Yes it was hard on them when I started dating, because they still pictured their Dad with me not somebody else. My youngest daughter actually was stepping up to get his attention over me. It's like look at me not my Mom. He handled it well. Just give it time!