Single Momma Growing My Family by Adding a Husband and Kiddos - Advice Please

I, too, left/ divorced when I was 3 months pregnant. I, too, found a wonderful man. I married him and we had children together and he adopted mine and we have been married 33 wonderful years!

You don't say whether or not the love of your life is bringing kids into this, buth either way, I found aloot of really helpful information in "Successful Step-Families". Step families are difficult in the best of circumstances, so after my divorce from a horribly destructive stepfamily (I have 2 kids) I decided to figure out exactly what I wanted and not settle for anything different. I made a list of all the things I want in a partner and another list of all the things I am not willing to put up with at all. Over time both lists changed as I figured myself out. I have now been married to the love of MY life for a year and a half. It's better than I ever expected it to be and I believe it's because we both want it to be a forever thing and we really like each other. He has one child and neither one of us wanted any more and that's something we settled very early on in the relationship. So I guess the short answer is talk with him about EVERYTHING, read the book and then talk to him about the things you didn't think of before you decide to take the plunge. Divorce is so hard on kids, regardless of their age.

Howdy A.

My thoughts on your question would be to check the local library for books on extended families and step-families. Or maybe speak to a relationship counsellor in order to get an idea on the best kind of transition?

Just a few suggestions, I haven't had the same experiences as yourself, but am happy for you that you have found the love of your life and are taking a big challenge.

J.

Mother of the X Factor!

Dear A.-
Yes, you are right about the 'ifs'. Your first responsibility is to your child, to make sure he is safe and loved by everyone in your proposed family. If there is any doubt at all about that, you need to stop seeing the love of your life immediately.

To check on this issue, the two of you and your children need to spend lots of time together over the next year, if you have not already done so. It even needs to be a routine. All sorts of things will surface. In this adventure/ investigation, be very careful that you do not delude yourself about the words and actions you observe. We all think, 'well that would change if we were married and living together', or 'I can deal with that', or, 'That's just a little thing; it's not so bad'. Whatever worries you will get worse and worse. That is true of both the children and the man. Your doubts are your warning signal. Look carefully at his friends, his habits, and his history. Those things are always repeated. Sorry, gotta say it again, what you see is what you get (or worse, once they think they've got you), so be very, very careful. Due to these kinds of issues, I did not remarry until my son was a teenager- even then, it was too fast, and I separated in less than a year.

Hope it helps - S.

Hi A., it sounds like your son was 2 when you started dating the 'love of your life', right? so he's basically his father anyway and probably doesn't know any different. Blended families are tough, I have 2 kids and my finace has 1 and we moved in together last may, engaged on 10/10. It's adjustments for everyone, but our kids are older. One thing I did was to know in my heart of hearts what was important to me and what I would/would not accept in a partner, if I were to find one again. My finace now is NOTHING like my ex. He was and is a wonderful father and right from the get-go we said that divorce was not an option for us. There is no way in heck we are putting our kids thru that again! And we are older (I'm almost 42 and he's 35) so because of my age and the kids ages, we decided not to have any kids together. I think you should google "step families or blended families" and see what articles there are. Ulitmately, life is short and its nice to spend it with someone who is wonderful to you and your children and if you are lucky enough to find that, do everything possible to keep it! I wish you the best!!!

Hi A.,

I have been in a very similar situation. I was in a disastrous relationship for three years when I finally managed to get him to move out of the house and leave - only to find out a month later that I was pregnant. Tried to talk to him, but that didn't work out and at three months into my pregnancy I spoke with him for the last time.

Shortly after that, I met an absolutely wonderful man and have been with him for a year and a half. We are talking about marriage now and he really wants a child of his own. Despite being in the bad relationship before, it has all worked out.

Wish you the best of luck.
-A.

My situation is a little different because my husband was the one in a bad relationship which produce a son a month before their divorce. Two years later, he is my husband, the love of my life and giving him another son which couldn't make us happier.

Hey A.,

I was in the same boat. I was 6 months pregnant when we divorced. My son was about 2yrs when I met and began dating my husband. We dated a good two years before we got engaged. We lived together for a year in the same house before we decided to take the next step to make sure there wasn't anything to surprise us and to be sure it would last. We have been married now for almost nine years. He adopted my son and we legally changed my son's name to match mine and my husband's. We have a little girl together who is 2yrs and are expecting our next child this April. There were a lot of questions, but I followed my instincts. I new my husband to be the love of my life, and he was great with my son. He never treated him differently he treated him like his own child. It wasn't until after we married that my son starting calling him daddy. You would never know that he wasn't my husband's child unless I told you. They are just great together and my son treats his little sister with such love and he is the little protector to her. Now that we are expecting our next child my son has been involved in everything so that he doesn't feel left out of the family and doesn't think of it has a difference. My son's biological father has not been in his life so that makes it less complicated. However, I would recommend that you include your son with the new plans. My son loved that he was the ring bearer for the wedding and that he was in charge of the most important job - the rings. Then when we found out that I was pregnant with my daughter, we included him at the doctor appts to hear the heartbeat and sonogram so that he was part of the family. Then when she was born he was given special gifts as the big brother. Granted there is a 10 year gap in age between the two. But that is when we were blessed with my daughter. Sorry for rambling but I think if you feel in your heart that this is the one, then it most likely is. You wouldn't be thinking about the next step if you didn't treat your son properly. Just communicate with your guy about your thoughts. My husband definitely wanted more kids, it just took some time before we were blessed. Now I couldn't be any happier. Good Luck!