Single Mother Looking for Support in Chicago, IL

Concerning the first subject I have nothing to offer but as to the second subject, I am also pregnant with my first child, the doctors the I have spoken to have said the depression is suposed to ease because of hormones but in my case, depression has gotten me so that it is hard to get out of bed sometimes. I am 3 months pregnant and 26 yrs old. Goodluck sweetheart.

are you looking for a professional to speak with? I know of a wonderful therapist who might be able to help with the aspects of depression and she might know of a singles support group.

please be in touch.

Hi R.,

I am not a single mother, but I am a teacher and many of my former students came from single parent homes- many of those parents are great parents. I'm sure you will be a great parent as well and the child's father will be the one who is missing out. I'm sure the depression has to do with hormones and the many things you have on your mind. Please stay strong and I hope that your family will support you. I wish you the very best!

K. (mother of an 8 month old, David)

Hi R., I'm sorry that you feel so alone. I'm not a single mom, but I remember feeling very depressed my first trimester. I cried all of the time. Your OB/GYN might be able to prescribe something for you. Also, there is a single mom's group on Northside Parents Network: http://www.northsideparents.org/templtxt.asp?navbarref=si... It looks like it isn't very active right now b/c the group needs a volunteer to chair it. It is very easy to chair a group! Just plan a trip to the park or something similar. Other co-chairs for other groups can give other suggestions. This would be a good way to meet a lot of people. Hang in there, R.!!

Hi if you need someone to talk to you can talk to me I'm J. I'm 29 years old I'm a single guy I'm a try gentleman. My number is ###-###-#### my email is ____@____.com that is so sad and upsetting that the father of your unborn baby doesn't want either of you. But I was wondering If I can help you raise your unborn baby with you. Can I please be your unborn baby's daddy father to him/her.?

First off, congratulations. Regardless of the circumstances, you will be holding the most beautiful baby in the world in your arms 9 months from now. The feelings of depression should subside as you move further along. Right now, it's easy to think about the downside and forget about the baby, but the first time you feel him or her kick or the first time the doctor lets you hear the heartbeat, your feelings will probably shift. If not, you should ask your doctor for advice.

I am a mom of two beautiful children-an almost 3 yr old daughter and 1 yr old son. My daughter's father and I split just before I learned that I was pregnant and he did not want her at first either. Luckily, that was not his decision. I was lucky enough to have great friends and family who supported my decision, one of which is now my husband. He has been in my daughter's life since two months.

Being alone or with someone, it is still difficult at times, but so much worth it. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me an email or attach your phone number if you need to talk right away. I wish you the best of luck and hang in there, the best is yet to come. =0)

Sincerely,

C.

R.,

Look at the Northside Parents Network. They have several programs for different groups. Their website is: www.northsideparents.org. I hope this helps. Congratulations on your impending arrival, I hope you get all the help you need!

T.

Hi R.,

I'm not a single mom (married with one child) but I just wanted to send you a message. Feelings of depression is not uncommon among expecting moms. It really stinks that the father-to-be is being such a jerk. You don't need him. My sister is a single mother. The father of her child has been in and out of their lives for 6 years. Never really helps out with anything, he just pops in their lives every once in a whle to cause problems. They would both be better off without him. Unfortunatley, I don't know of any support groups you can join. I'd be happy to talk with you anytime. You should try to celebrate your pregnancy. When your belly is large, consider a pregnancy portrait to document this beautiful time. start a journal or scrapbook. It will make a wonderful gift for your child in the future. show him/her how excited and filled with love YOU were about this. I'm a wedding photographer but I'd be more than thrilled to photograph you for free when you're about 7-8 months pregnant. If not, you can always contact me just to talk. When I was pregnant, I took Yoga for Moms at Sweet Pea studio in Ravenswood. Really helped me feel good. I hope everything turns out well for you and your baby. Good luck! L.

While moodiness is often accompanies pregnancy (particularly in the early weeks, depression is not. A woman's seratonin actually raises during pregnancy. The hormone shifts after birth can cause seratonin levels to drop. The "blues" or even depression is more common at this time.

It would seem as though the sad feelings are related to the emotional difficulites you are experiencing. You can talk with you ob/gyn or midwife about a plan of action (counseling, monitoring the intensity of your mood, etc.).

I am a clinician in private practice in the city and the mother of a two year old. Although I primarily work with children and adolescents, I do see adults on occasion, particularly with issues concerning motherhood.

My office # is ###-###-#### ext 9. I hope you find the support you need!
Sincerely,
P. Maddex

Dear R.,

I'm not a single mom but judging from the fact that you are looking for support, I know you have the ability to survive this. It's those who don't seek out what they need that have the hardest time.

I don't know what your situation is; if you still love this guy, if you're financially independant from him, etc. but you have to look after yourself first (and this little baby). As difficult as it may be, try not to be so stressed about the situation. The baby is coming (if that is your chioce) one way or another so stressing it isn't going to change things. A pre-natal yoga class would be a great thing for you (there are zillions around the city)and there you can probably meet other moms, some in your situation possibly as well. Look at park district classes around the city, you don't have to live in the area to go to that park. Once you start diving into the "mommy network" you'll find a lot of support all around.

No matter what happens between you and the father, he is obligated to pay you some support. This is for the baby, it has nothing to do with you and him. Based on the fact that he wants nothing to do with you or the child (which makes him sound like a total jerk) I probably wouldn't mention that to him and just file papers with the State after the baby is born.

I had my first baby at 38 and I didn't feel like I was ready financially, emotionally, mentally, etc. Bottom line: I don't think one ever feels 100% prepared to be a parent. You depression is a lot of dealing with this jerk, worrying what will happen without a father figure in your child's life and the normal stress and anxiety associated with pregnancy. Try, please, try, try, try to push the thoughts about the idiocy of the father out of you mind (easier said than done)and enjoy and look forward to the magnificant like you have inside. Pregnancy doen't have to be scary or bad; not everyone has morning sickness or acne, or even awful and painful births that last 40 hours. It's a really cool wonderful thing that happens and one we don't usually experience more that once or twice in our lives; ENJOY IT!
I'd also like to recommend to you the Midwives at Swedish Covenant Hospital; they are very pro-mommy and baby and would probably be an excellent source of support both emotionally and physically.

Good luck to you R.. If you would like to e-mail me with anything, please don't hesitate.

L.

R., I was in exactly the same position you are in now. Don't let anyone make your decision for you. Single Mothers By Choice is a support group for women who have chosen to become pregnant and raise their children on their own. Although this is not exactly our position, the book of the same name by Jane Mattes is enlightening. Concentrate on yourself right now and what YOU want. Take care of yourself. Your emotions will be all over the place. This is normal even for couples who have planned a child. If you would like to talk, please call me. My daughter just turned two. She is the best thing I ever did. ###-###-####.

Hi R.,

First of all, take three deep breaths and just enjoy the wonderful decision that you have made. You are about to embark on a life you could only imagine where you have the unbelievable unconditional love of another human being who couldnt live without you. That said. I know it sucks...

I am a single mom. I have a 15 month old boy, his father has gone back and fourth on if he wants to be in his life, and we are currently battling over child support. Frankly if I had it to do over again I may have just disapeared and did it all myself. Well, some days, not all days. I tried to start a single moms club/support group a couple of months ago. There are a few of us that still want to do it. You are more than welcome to join us. In the mean time, if you ever need to talk to someone who understands, feel free to email me.

Can I ask how old you are/the father is, and how your friends and family have reacted? Those of us that are involved seem to be mid twenties to early thirties and I think all of us live on the North Side.

Hope to hear from you soon!

J.

Dear R.,
The Northside Parents Network has a singles moms group. The web address is http://www.northsideparents.org/templtxt.asp?navbarref=si.... I hope this helps.

V.

I hello, I want you to know that you are not alone and depression that you might be feeling could be because of your circumstances with the baby father, and that you feel that you are going to be alone. I am not a therapist but someone who has went through having a baby by my self. Even thou the father was in the house, no support at all, but the truth is that we single mother have a strength in us and a man more power that any many on earth. I want you to pray meditate and believe in your strength, that you have. and know that no matter how hard it is, god is carrying you threw. I am doing it my self, and it feels good to be able to be humbling but yet stand strong. God know your worth and you do too. so don't let your mind give in to these lies of depression, when you have something beautiful going on in side of you, just wait and see, there is nothing that will ever hold a greater feeling than that life that need you to survive. Now tell me you can't be strong!! Time heal all pain.

Hi R.:
You are not alone. I am a single mom and have found resources on the web. Choosing single motherhood is a good book. There is also a group , the National association of single mothers or something like that. They have a newsletter and abook, The Complete Single Motherhood Guide or something like that. I jsut googled single motherhood and found stuff. I don't know of any support groups but even a general support group where you could get support would help. Take care-R.

R.,

I am so sorry to hear that the father does not want to share in this really wonderful time.

I did seem some sites for single mothers-hope they help:
http://www.library.wisc.edu/libraries/WomensStudies/fc/fc...
http://singlemothers.org/SMO/index.php
http://www.singlemom.com/aboutus.htm

Do take care of yourself. Someone to help you, even just emotionally is a huge help during this time.

Good luck and God bless.
Susan

Hi R.,

I am a single mother of a three and a half year old boy, and found out i was pregnant two weeks after the father and i broke up (i was 30 at the time). my situation is a bit different, he is very involved in his son's life and pays me child support. even if your child's father does not want to be involved, he is legally responsible to pay child support so make sure you get that ball rolling as soon as your child is born. i did it through an attorney, which is faster than going through a state agency.

i was very depressed for a lot of my pregnancy. i can totally understand that you are, too. are you going to raise the child or are you considering adoption? being a single mom is not easy, but i cannot imagine my life without my precious little boy. he and i have a bond that i feel is deeper because of the fact that it is just he and i most of the time. try and be strong, i know it is tough right now. but also try and look at this as a potentially positive, life changing experience.

i don't know what i can do to help, this is a difficult time for you i'm sure. if you'd like to exchange e-mails let me know and i will give you my address.

R., i have a sister that went through the same thing but she was much younger...she joined an organization called,courage. Located in bridgeview il..its a group that formed from st fabians church...so you probably have to call st fabians to get the contact for courage. Its a great organization..if bridgeview isn't too far to travel, you don't have to live in the area or be a catholic. They were very good to my sister. I hope that you find releif and enjoy this amazing time of your life. I'm now married & a mom of 3 boys, but was a single mom for 10 years with my oldest son...i want you to know you are gaining a best friend for life! Best of luck.

Hi R.,

First of all...CONGRATULATIONS!!! You've got a real, honest-to-goodness miracle goin' on. Always remember that.

Secondly, I know that you've got to have many different emotions and worries going on right now, and I'll be honest...mood swings during pregnancy are VERY powerful. That being said, do not let ANYONE or ANYTHING take one moment's joy from your pregnancy. Cherish this time, it is amazing. My daughter is almost 1, and I am still blown away by the experience.

I was 23 when I became pregnant, I was 24 when I found out, and this past August marked the first b-day I spent as a mom...a SINGLE mom. I was scared and worried that I couldn't do it. I also became overly preoccupied with not having the "family unit" that children are "supposed" to have.

But you know what? It is AMAZING how becoming a mom puts things in perspective. It also puts you in survival mode. Things you thought you weren't capable of handling or dealing with become victories that rest at your feet. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying it can be done.

Now, you inquired about support groups for single parents. I know of two, one is online, the other is in-person.

The online community I am referring to is located on a site called Babycenter.com. This site isn't just for single parents, though. It's for all parents, and I would strongly encourage you to join (it's free). You can see info about what's safe during pregnancy, concerns you may have, and shows the development of your baby, week by week. There are many different bulletin boards on Babycenter (single parents being one of them).

The "in-person" site is located on Meetup.com (the exact site is: http://singleparents.meetup.com/2/boards/ ). This site is also free, and is aimed towards parents that already have children. It lets parents meet up in different places (some outings with kids, others are just the parents getting out to socialize).

I apologize for bombarding you with so much info...:-) I know what it's like to be in your shoes, and I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and that you CAN make it.

Take care,
L.

Hi R.,
I just wanted to offer some words of support. I became unexpectedly pregnant at 28. The father was involved, however, he was in the middle of a separation so we couldn't get married. Times were very difficult because he was going through a lot of other things besides this, which made it hard for me as well. It was a very difficult time and I kept everything to myself.
I commend you on seeking support, this is the best thing. If you have insurance that covers a therapist, I would highly recommend it. There is nothing like going through an unexpected pregnancy without support. You will get through this and realize it is probably the biggest blessing ever. Somehow get to a therapist, I am sure they can help with the depression and then you can move forward. I felt very alone, but now I realize that this happens to many people. When I was pregnant I was always wondering if my feelings were real or from the hormones. The best advice is that they are definitely real (so trust your instincts) only magnified by the hormones.
I would also recommend writing in a journal. I am not sure if I am the right person that you would like support from since my situation was slightly different, but I just wanted to offer some words about my experience on unexpected pregnancy. Hope this is somewhat helpful.

Hi R., I went through a similar situation two years ago - my son is 11 months now. Please feel free to email me at ____@____.com if you want, I would be happy to talk with you.

You will get through this, I promise!

I was 24 when I got pregnant. I did everything myself. I was so depressed. I wanted to be happy..and was so proud of my little baby growing in my tummy …but, when the world around you looks at you like you are going to be a single mom with sympathetic “poor you” eyes… it’s hard. There are going to be times when people will congratulate you and your "husband"...and it sucks to have to correct them. I'm not going to lie, there are going to be a lot of times and situations that you wish you had someone to share this experience with...but... things get so much better. After you have your baby, you will forget anyone else ever existed. I look back now, and regret feeling sorry for myself. Don’t let these tough times get the best of you. Enjoy pregnancy... it’s the best!

I'm 26 now...my daughter, Isabella, is 2yrs old.

Hi R.,

Dont feel like that I was only 17yrs old when I got pregnant with my first Baby. On the first try I was pregnant he was not in the picture at all I went tru allot. My parents were so upset that I had to move out they eventually got over it but it took them 8 1/2 months. I was also in my third year in high school I did not finish but I went on with my life. My son was born very healthy and I love him so much. We both went thru allot but we manage to get over it quickly. I did get very depressed but I would do things to accupied my mind. It is going to be very hard for you specially if you LOVE the guy but be strong. Put your head high up and never look back. Think that you have an Angel in your belly that he needs all off your emotional support right now. If you cry the baby feels it if you sad the baby is sad. Never think what if never the more you think like that the more down you will feel. I am married now but I could off done better for me and my son but I have a 3yrs old little girl and she is also my pride off jow specially beacuse she is just like me and I think its so funny. But I am at work right now so I am not able to talk to you but please call me after 5:00 at ###-###-#### If you want to talk. Everything happens for a reason belive me I have been thru allot and I am only 26yrs old. Also feel free to email me at ____@____.com

I just want to offer my support to you and your wonderful baby. You both will be fine and are better off without someone who cannot take responsibility for themselves. Just remember - in about 8 1/2 months - you are going to fall in love harder than you ever have or ever will again! You not only will survive this - you will be more wonderful for it! The best revenge is to live well - all my thoughts and prayers!!

Hi R.,
I'm sure a LOT of us have been in your shoes, I know I have. I was 19 and single and faced the same thing. The depression could very well be part of the hormonal thing during pregnancy but it *does* go away :) Just keep your chin up, and feel free to email me anytime.

D.

Hi, R.. I'm not responding with any particular advice - just with a big hug. I'm sorry about your situation. Pregnancy and having a baby are hard - I have a five month old - and I had the very best of circumstances. You will need to find yourself a LOT of support, but if you go ahead with this, you will make it through.

I'm not sure if there's much I can do to help - we're not even in Chicago yet. We move down to Lakeview in June. I hope you get some responses from people who can offer more support than me, but I wanted you to at least know that I - and many others - do care about you.

Best of luck,
S.

Hi R.,
My name is D. and I went thru something very similiar, I would love to chat or email with you- let me know what works for you! Things do get better- I promise whether he has a change of heart or not- you will make it through this and a child will bring you more joy than you would ever believe. I have an almost 5month old son, and am always looking for people to talk to!

Hi R.,

I'm not a single mom but I saw your email and felt the need to encourage you to hang in there. I have seen many many other single moms post on this sight and I'm certain you'll find a good group of women to support you through this.

When I found out I was pregnant (and my husband and I were trying) I wasn't nearly prepared for the range and magnitude of emotions I was going to feel...I can tell you the feeling of depression was definitely in that grouping of emotions. Your hormones are out of control adjusting to another living being inside you. I can also tell you that no matter how scared or uncertain you are you can never comprehend the amount of love you will feel for that baby time and time again...and it just magnifies with time.

I'm sorry things aren't working for you in your relationship with the father...I'm sure that's contributing to your feelings...hang in there and focus on that little baby inside you and what an amazing opportunity you have been given...the opportunity to be a mother.

Keep your head up.

N.