Sister Acts like a "Second Mama"

Sounds awesome to me. One of the things I was worried about before I had my first child was that I might get jealous if other people loved my children, and they loved them right back. When it actually happened, I felt nothing but joy, and gratitude that the love was being shared, and my children had other loving people around. My children were forming wonderful relationships, and it was great.

Share the love, and let it shine through!

I always let aunties--good friends--- take over when they come over. The kids want them to give them baths, take them to the toilet, etc.

If my sister offered to take care of my 3 year old, I'd plop on the couch and watch mindless TV programs.

Maybe she is trying to give you a break.

I would ask yourself why does this bother you so much? From my point of view it seems wonderful that your daughter gets a doting aunt who loves her like a mama. What a win-win situation. Your sister probably would not mind babysitting so you and your husband can get some time together alone. She might be able to help out in the future if ever you need it. I'm jealous! How often is she over at your house? Maybe you are having her over too often for your taste?

Here are my thoughts on this. You have a "mother's helper" in your midst who has no idea how to mother, but wants to be an aunt. While children are very little, being an aunt is "hands on". Giving baths and dressing them and playing with them is what is best for an aunt to do. She doesn't have to have kids to do this, mom. Please open your heart and stop being jealous of this. I promise you that the dynamics of having more than one child will change A LOT and you cannot believe how much work two kids will be. If she went away for 6 months, you would MISS her.

What will not be okay is if she tries to discipline your children. THAT is when you should say "Sis, I love ya but you may not discipline my kids. That's my job and not one I'll allow from auntie." Also, if she lets them do things that you don't allow, you must put the kabosh on that too.

If twice a week visits are too much for you, ask her to come once a week. Allowing her to babysit so that you and hubby can go out together would be a good idea too.

One thing you need to remember is that your children will benefit from having a beloved aunt. You will always be their mother. Let them have an aunt too, without being a pouting, jealous mother. Baths and clothes changes and kisses are SO not things to take away from the kids and their aunt.

If I were you I would be grateful,for the break and thrilled that my sister wants to be involved with her niece! Your daughter is very lucky! Don't ruin it for either of them.

Oh my, I wish I had this problem.

I think your sister just wants to be involved - since she doesn't have kids of her own, and it's a nice outlet, since your daughter knows that her aunt loves her and wants to do things with/for her. Lots of kids don't have that. I wouldn't ruin it. Shes not trying to take over. Shes trying to be involved.

I LOVE when someone wants to come over and take over with the kids. They enjoy it, the kids enjoy it, and I enjoy a rare 5 minutes of peace.

Your sister sounds like an awesome aunt and the bond they will form should be similar to what my kids have with my siblings - there is nothing better!

My sisters are the same way with our girls. I am the youngest sister, my middle sister lives out of state therefore we only see her once or twice a year. When she is here, she is all over the girls and they love it :) Her children are all grown now and so all that experience and insight is extremely helpful to me.

My oldest sister, Aunt ReRe to the girls, lives an hour away and visits at least one weekend a month. She and her husband were unable to have children for medical reasons. Sadly, when my oldest daughter was being born, my sister was recovering from a total hysterectomy. I was overjoyed with the birth of my child but my heart hurt for my sister's loss if that makes sense.

We all know when Aunt ReRe comes to visit, she will be doing bath time, crafts, reading books, playing games, and even has sleep overs in the family room with the girls. Poor Uncle Frank is banished from the sleep overs and alas has to sleep in our oldest daughter's disney princess room...lol. It's a girl's only sleepover so Daddy and Uncle Frank are not included :)

Uncle Frank also does a lot of special things with the girls as well, like reading and playing games, but he also makes them special dvd's with their favorite shows from WETA Kids and Disney Channel. They watch old classic cartoons together on his laptop and they sing and dance too. Many Royal Balls and tea parties have been held when Aunt ReRe and Uncle Frank come to visit. Bless his heart, the man even wears the feather boa's and tiara's if the girls ask him too.

My parents both died before my girls were born. Aunt ReRe and Uncle Frank assumed that role for the girls and we are so very grateful for them. They never miss a birthday or holiday with the girls. They take off work to attend Grandparent's day at school so my daughter will not feel left out. They come over every year to dye Easter Eggs. They spend the night every Christmas Eve to partake in the family traditions of baking cookies for Santa, sprinkling magic reindeer food on the lawn, going to Mass, opening one present on Christmas Eve from Mommy and Daddy. In the morning we skype my other sister's family and we all enjoy a relaxing day in our Christmas jammies together watching the kids open presents.

They do not overstep their boundaries as far as attempting to discipline the girls when we are in the room. They take the girls out to movies and to eat ice cream...yummy.

In short, they are in fact a backup "parental unit" to my girls. The girls have an amazing bond with them. God forbid anything ever happen to us, we know our girls will be well loved and they already have that family bond with Aunt ReRe and Uncle Frank.

I am not jealous of that relationship, in fact I encourage it. The girls will need other confidants as they grow and mature.

Try to look at it as she is not trying to assume your role in your child's life. Nobody will ever be able to do that. However she can certainly be a backup to you. Allow them to form this beautiful unbreakable bond. I promise you, you will not be sorry you did.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

Accept the break when she's around and remember you'll always be your little girl's mama. Sounds like she's a loving aunt ....

She sounds like a good auntie. Why do you have a problem with it?

Wow! Can your sister come to my house? Seriously! I'm looking for a break from some of those things you just described.

Is there some other issue that's been present with your sister, something unresolved? I mean, I have a girlfriend, one of my son's honorary aunties, who loves to help out with Kiddo when she's at our house. She won't jump up to brush his teeth or anything like that, but she likes spending time with him and he enjoys her company. In fact, she often gives us a night out and puts Kiddo to bed.

She does these helpful things to be kind, to give us a break, not to be our son's second mom.

I also did the same for many of the families I nannied for. It's part of care-giving, not necessarily tasks exclusive to a parent only.

It sounds like you are feeling insecure in your relationship with sis. What do you think will happen, really? "I'm the mama around here" sounds like a statement meant to put her in her place.

Think of all the people on this forum who would LOVE for family to be involved. What's the REAL deal?

I would soooooo let my sisters do that, so I could be free for myself. There are so many things I pass up, so I can tend to my children I would love to have someone tend to them and love them as I do. Try not to see her helping you as her trying to play the M., but a very loving aunt bonding with her niece.

Awww, I think its sweet. I do know the feeling though. When I first had kids, I felt the same way about my MIL always wanting to step in and prepare themeals without asking, changing diapers, just horning in all the time doing the parent thing. One time we were all out to dinner and she was talking about what she thought SHE should bring for the baby on a group camping trip we were going on, and my FIL goes "you know hon, she has parents. And they are not us". It was classic.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and another kid later and I am no longer bothered by it. She's backed off a bit and has enough grandkids to spread the love. And I love that I can trust her and allow her to do these personal things for the kids when I need her to.

Most importantly, with time, I realized NO ONE, and I mean no one, replaces momma. No matter how involved another relative, or caregiver is, there will always be only one mommy as far as the little one is concerned.

What I wouldn't give for someone to help me bathe my kids :( ! Unless there are other behaviors bothering you, like she's criticizing your parenting or something, I'd let it go. If you're ever just DYING to be the one to give the bath that night, you can kindly say, "Oh please, let me tonight, I've been dying to all day". That way, you're not saying she can never do it. Having someone so hands-on will be a huge gift to you one day (probably on many days) when you really need it. But do keep her in check if she ever gets not-so-nice about things.

She sounds wonderful. Really, enjoy the help! She's not overstepping her boundaries, she's being helpful.

OK, is she asking to give her baths and help change her, etc? And are you saying yes? If you are, then you can't blame her. Is she acting like a babysitter or mother's helper? Why not use this time to spend time with your hubby, or to take time for yourself? Especially since you're newly pregnant.

She loves your daughter and is acting like an aunt. Now, if she were actively parenting your child that would be different - if she were pushing you out of the way or blocking you from doing stuff. But if she's just interacting and being loving because that's how she is, then you need to relax about this. Being jealous of relationships your child forms that are separate from you is not healthy. Just enjoy the fact that they love each other. That means you're doing a good job.

I would be glad for the help of my family. Let her help you. It's not doing any harm.

Enjoy the time to yourself. :)

My sister did that with my one and only and I loved it and still do!!!! You are still mom. Let her be the super helpful, cool auntie and enjoy!

My sister and I are like that by choice, in fact for a while I was raising them while she handled her husband (broken back) and the kids still think of me like a second mom. We are happy and blessed to have this relationship.

However if you are bothered by it then you need to ask your sister to step back politely. I am sure you can have a conversation with her about it like adults. OR you can step back and enjoy the few nights off. Your perspective, your choice.

Hi, AZmom,

I understand how you feel completely. With your first child you really want to do everything for your child. For my husband and I, when we decided to become parents, we were READY! :) We didn't want our child to be raised by the babysitter (we do both work, so obviously that's going to happen some). We didn't hire a babysitter to come watch our child so that we could go out... We were (and really still are) content to spend time with our child.

When we had baby number two, our love doubled. We still love spending our time with our children, and we still rarely get a babysitter for a night out. We are fortunate to have family who live in the same town so that we can call on them every once in a great while when we need help with something. However, as our family grows (baby #3 due in Nov), we are starting to see more and more how challenging it can be to have multiple children and feel like you're always meeting their needs on your own.

Your sister sounds like she is doing things that can be genuinely helpful. You're just still in that stage of wanting to do everything on your own. I promise that there will come a time when you are tapped out on your energy/patience/etc. and your sister will be a godsend at that point. Hang in there until then and know that your child(ren) are going to have another person in their lives who you can trust and who loves them. Our world is full of scary people, and the more trustworthy adult role models your children have, the better. :)

In the 6 1/2 years I have been a parent, my sister has babysat for me exactly one time. It would never occur her to offer to bathe or dress my children. She begs out of holidays, birthday parties, and family gatherings whenever she can. My kids see her maybe three or four times a year, even though she doesn't live that far and also has no children. Wanna trade?

aw, she sounds like a sweet auntie! why NOT let her bathe and change a beloved niece? it's not like you don't still get to!
if she's going against how you want it done (using water too warm, or putting her in clothes other than the ones you want) then you should courteously and lovingly be firm about your boundaries. but don't be territorial about your kids. adoring relatives are a wonderful thing for any little person to have.
khairete
S.

I'm in the camp of being jealous. And to consider for later, if you like and trust your sister, she can be invaluable someday of your daughter is really close to her. She may tell her things she won't tell you and will be getting good advice. Your sister will be another trusted adult. That's priceless.

I can see why you're bothered, but it's good for your daughter to have close bonds with other adults in her life. What if, in the future, you became unavailable? Your daughter would then have your sister as a "back-up" person she can go to and depend on.

I used to feel the way you did when my daughter was first born and my mom got really involved, but now I try to make opportunities for my daughter to form close bonds with other adults in her life.

Be happy she has an aunt that loves her so much and wants to be involved in her life. Not everyone is that lucky. Trust me, she knows that you are the mama, she just wants to bond with her niece. I don't get what 11 days pregnant (days?? When did we stop measuring in weeks?) has to do with anything.

As long as she is not undermining your rules, I would let her. If you are giving a bath and she pushes you out of the way or after telling your child that she cannot have something or do something and she tells the child it's okay, then there is a problem. I think it would be great to have someone that can be close to the kids.