Ok Mammas, I need some help and guidance with this one. My older sister is finally pregnant with her first child! Yeah!!! We're so excited for her. Naturally my other sister and I asked to host a baby shower for her. She said said "great, yes, go for it!" The 3 of us sat down together and picked out a date in July to have the shower that would a time that all the family could attend. My other sister and I have found a couple of places to host the shower (all reasonably priced and centrally located), but the prego sister doesn't like any of them. She gave us a place where she would like to have it...it costs $350 to rent the place. Now maybe this is not a lot of money to some, but it is to my other sister and I. We could get any of the other places for 50-100 each. Money is just tight right now. We tried to explain to her that that amount of money would just be too much (considering there are 50-60 people coming to the shower and the other sister and I are paying for everything ourselves). She got really mad at us and said that we were being inconsiderate to her feelings, and then didn't talk to us for a week. Okay, so other sister and I let that pass and things got better. Then prego sister calls and asked if we could change the shower to June so that one of her friends can come to the shower before she moves to another state. If we had the shower in July, the friend could not fly back for the shower AND the birth of the baby. My other sister and I are just stunned. We sat down and picked the original date so that all the family could come and plan ahead. We have all planned family vacations around the shower date. My family and I even scheduled my son's surgery in June so that he and we will all be recovered in time for shower/ birth of baby/etc. We asked our sister to think again about changing the date bc so much of our large family planned around the original date. She again got mad and told us to forget doing the shower for her bc we "weren't thinking about her and that we would probably embarass her anyways" with the shower we were planning. And that the family would understand the date change bc this time was all about her and th baby. I am truly upset here. I have never fought with my sister and I just don't know what to say or do. We are still not speaking and I feel horrible! Please give me advice on what to do or say! I want to make her happy bc I love her but I just feel she is being unreasonable.
Thank you every one for your responses. I like the idea of letting her having a family shower and then letting her friend throw her a friend shower that she wants. For us no to throw her a shower at all...well that would cause more drama throughout the whole family! I could just imagine it now!!
I will stick up for my sister and say that she has not always been like this. I guess maybe the change has happened in the past two years...ever since she bacame friends with a certain woman (the friend moving). I won't go more into that...that's just more drama and hurt.
I talked to my other sister and we will have a family shower and do it our way. I will admit that I am not Martha Stewart or a profession caterer, but heck, I've been to showers and thrown showers before. So I know I will not embarass her (I think this statement is what hurts the most.) Again, thanks everyone for your advice and support. I will try to be the bigger person here. :)
Ok- why don't you ask her if her friends could host her a shower for them, and then keep the family shower going as planned. I've been to a shower in a fire dept, and one in a bank meeting room. It is about the celebrating the baby, not where it is. If she cannot see this generous event you are planning for HER baby, then, yes, cancel it. She does not seem very grateful at all. :(
You feel she is being unreasonable? That's because she is!
It's ridiculous to have her dictate the place, date etc of her own shower.
Seriously, I'd tell her this place, this date...can you make it or not?
Otherwise, I'd be OUT. Completely.
.
When I got to the last part where you said she thought you would embaress her anyway I actually yelled "WHAT???" at the computer and my son came running! Wow-your sis is an ungrateful beatch! Honestly-I would not have this shower for her now. How can you? After she said that you and your other sister need to be FIRM with her-sounds like she is a bit of a bully and has gotten away with it b/c she is the oldest. So, calmly and with no emotion you sit her down and say the following:
"Look, NOBODY is happier for you than us that you are pregnant. We love you very much and really wanted to have a shower for you to celebrate this baby. But you know what? We just cannot do that anymore because we know now that you don't want us to. It really hurts us that you think that we will embaress you. And since we thougth that you really wanted our whole family there we went with a July date. The June date simply doesn't work at this point. Vacations and even surgeries have been re-arranged for this. And lastly, we have set a budget in the realm of what we can personally afford and so therefore it would have had to been at one of the places that you did not like. So we are really sorry....maybe your friend moving out of state can hold one?"
And don't back down or let her bully you into feeling bad. She is 100% in the wrong and there is no excuse in the world to treat you like this. I am all for the fact that hormones can change your personality but if she has not called back after these attacks to apologize and rescind then you cannot blame the hormones. It is her bad manners that you blame.
Say Fine... her friend can plan and pay for the shower and if you and your family can come - you will.
She's not being considerate or happy that her family are trying to deo a fun celebration for her and if her ONE friend is more important than her sisters and majority of family - so be it. Don't fight it, just drop it and the plans for the shower.
Just go ahead with the shower as planned. Tell her that if you are to throw her a shower you will continues as planned with your other sister. If she isn't happy, tell her you aren't able to accommodate her on another date. I'm so sorry she's acting this way! As for the excuse of pregnancy hormones, I HATE that excuse. That's like saying alcohol made me do it. She is still an adult and should act as such. I'm pregnant with #3 and even my husband will say I've never acted "hormonal." Your sister is unfortunately acting like a spoiled brat.
I would tell her that she has three options, to go ahead with the date you have already planned and have a great attendance, change the date and have poor attendance (maybe even you won't be able to go), or three have a separate shower that you will not be paying for, strictly for friends. Let her choose which one if she chooses to change the date I would also let her field all the phone calls (and complaints) as to why it's changing. She is being a brat. Hope you get it settled!
Ditto what Mommy L said. You know she's got the prego crazzy feelings going on but WOW! She's gonna need to grow up lots before that baby is born (sorry not really meant to offend) but this is not how one is to carry themselves in the adult world. Agree how about her friends giving her a shower? many people have more then one. My sister had her co-workers that gave her one, my family and her hubby's family. Honest it can be broke up it not need be everyone at one time it's very costly. It sounds way more reasonable to me, that's how most everyone else in my corner of the world seems to do it the past 20 years I know of.
best wishes
To keep peace, I do feel that she should have two showers and because of that, can't get the expensive place she wants.
It is the most difficult thing to plan a shower of any kind and try to please everyone.
And that is what I would sit down and talk to her about. Is who are we trying to please here. We can not have it all.....as much as it would be great to work it out for everyone to come and be able to pay for the dream place, but it is hard and we need to work on a compromise. If the friends are more important, then accomidate them over the family. Reverse Pyscology is the best way to go. Give her things to think about that puts it back in her court to show how self fish she is being.
" If the friends are important, lets plan a special shower for them and we can do a nice down to earth family one in July. " And whatever date she comes up with, just say, "Thats great, but I can not come because of my son, so I will get it organized but is there a friend that I can pass it too once we got it all planned ?"
Cancel the shower. If she can't be appreciative of what you are doing, then stop.
After my first "WOW" reaction... I tried to calm myself down and look at it objectively. Having done that, why in the world is this baby shower anticipating 50-60 in attendance?! That is a LOT of people. WAYYYY too many. Most baby showers (and I have been to my fair share) are much more intimate than that. 30 attendees at the MOST. If you sisters want to give her a shower, then do so and have it for family (and maybe if there are a few super close friends that you practically consider family). Then one of her friends (I'm assuming that a good number of those 50-60 people are friends and not family), or a couple of them together, can throw her another shower for friends. They can arrange that however they wish to (and maybe your sister can suggest they do this in June so her moving friend can attend?).
You guys have made major plans around this event and she should be grateful for your generosity in doing all this for her and her baby. Unfortunately, it sounds like some hcg (hormones!!) is affecting her emotions and she is not being her normal considerate self. Pointing that out to her, however, isn't likely to help.... it will just make her defensive. I'm sure her anger or whatever is perfectly legitimate in HER mind. Telling her it is pregnancy hormones isn't going to change that. :(
Offer to make the shower smaller and limited to family, so that her friends can throw her one as well... in June. Be gracious and tell her how you are so very sorry that what you were planning isn't what she wanted, so in order to accommodate her wishes, you will limit your shower to family, so that her friends who may know better what she wants will be able to give that to her.
I'm betting that if you just change what you are offering her, that she will come around... Pregnant ladies can be worse than Bridezillas..... they should call it Pregzilla!! LOL
Copy and paste your question, and these responses, to a word document or an email, and send it to her. The ultimate wake-up call; seeing your behavior from other's points of view- right there in black and white.
You're a sweet sister, I'd love to have you in my family.
[hugs]
Wait until she sees how much unselfishness is required to care for an infant and raise a child into a kind, educated, purposeful citizen. Tell her you no longer want to be involved in the planning and will attend the shower if your son is well enough. Would she treat her girlfriends like this? Or is she saving it all for her FAMILY? Reach around and give yourself a pat on the back for not slapping a pregnant woman!
Hormones or not, her behavior is UNACCEPTABLE!
She told you to forget the shower, so I suggest that you do just that. Write her a nice letter apologizing for upsetting her. Tell her that you will respect her wishes and NOT throw the shower. Wish her well. And mail it! DONE!
Just go in with your sister and get her a nice gift together.
I would tell her that "we are very sorry she is not happy with the plans you are making but that you very much are thinking of her and that is whey you offered to host the shower". Also tell her that "after we selected the date in July with you, my son's surgery was scheduled for June and family vacations were also planned around that date. In order to change the shower to June for your friend to attend, I will not be able to be there and some family members may not. If you really want to change the date to June, we'll need to see if someone else can help in my place but it is doable if that is what she really wants".
If she doesn't want you to throw the shower, get her a nice gift and be done.
Is this normal behavior for your sister? Or is she just being hormonal? Yikes! You are describing either a very immature young woman or a narcissist.
The way I see it you have two choices.
#1-Tell your sister you love her and you want her to be happy but you are uncomfortable changing the date now. Ask her to please understand.
or
#2-Tell your sister you love her and you want her to be happy. You will be happy to change the shower if she wants to, but be prepared that some people may not be able to attend no matter when she does it....... including you if you are not comfortable leaving your son yet. Ask her to think about it and call you back in a week.
I am with pamela here
I would go in with your 'other' sister...get a nice gift...and let someone else handle the shower.
*attendance optional*
Ah pregnancy hormones - they can be so nasty LOL
Im sure like you said that if you never fight with your sister that that is all it is. I would just give her a few days to sit on all of this and try to approach her in a calm matter to explain that you are "assuming" that all this tension is stemming from hormones and that if she just take a minute to rationalize all that you are saying to her that she may take a different approach to it all. Maybe not but its worth a try explaining to her that she is just acting this way out of hormones and that she is not normally like this and you dont really know how to deal with her being so unreasonable
Good Luck
I would suggest you have your shower for your family whether she comes or not you can still have gifts that can be given her at a later point.
There is no rule that says a person can only have one shower, talk to some of her friends and see if they'd like to throw a separate shower just for themselves. They can have it at the fancier place and can hold it when they can all be there.
She is hormonal----talk to her hubby and let him know what date and why. He can talk to her then.GL
M
Wow. She sounds ungrateful here. I understand she wants the shower of her dreams but what happened to them being a big surprise? Now days the mothers to be are helping plan and decorate. Getting too involved for their surprise. i would tell her if she wants it to be at the expensive place she can pay for it but you and your sister can't afford to or tell her you three can go in on it together. She is being inconsiderate of your feelings. It sounds like whatever you do she will be upset about something not turning out right. After her rude comment about you embarrassing her I wouldn't try so hard to please her and would tell her to take over if she doesn't like your way of planning. Tell her you don't want to be the blame of her shower not turning out the way she dreams of it being. Maybe it's just her hormones if she's not normally like this too. Good luck!
Stay with the original plan, and suggest a little shower/brunch for the friend to attend before she goes. She can always skype into the shower if someone brings a laptop with a webcam :)
Is she always being unreasonable or is she just being hormonal? Either way, YOU are hosting, YOU are being gracious and lovely and giving her a PARTY, so she needs to calm down and get over herself.
