Sister-in-law Is Trying to Be Mommy!!!

N.,
When I had my oldest (a girl) she was the first grandchild on both sides and the only girl on my husband's side. She was spoiled and we had to get a calendar and everybody had to call and we had to make a rule that the first person to call was the one to get her that weekend. Everybody wanted to get her even when she was really too young to leave me for that long. Then I had my son two years later. Nothing changed with my daughter's busy life. But no one wanted to get my son. They started getting my daughter when she was 9 months old. So I waited until my son was the same age and asked again why they weren't getting him. My mother realized what was going on and started getting him on the weekends my in laws had my daughter. It was really hard on my parents to get them both so they started getting them on seperate weekends. But my in laws continued to say he was too young. They took my daughter to the lake every other weekend and my son had not been at all. When he started asking why I sat them both down and told them what was going on and they still said he was too young and that he would not have fun. Me and my husband decided that it wasn't fair and we did the both or none thing and it worked they started getting them on alternate weekends like my mom did. They both got to go but not at the same time. There has always been a difference in the way my kids were treated by my in laws. I had to deal with the same thing at christmas and birthdays. They wouldnt even come to my son's birthday. I finally stopped inviting them to her birthday and explained why. They got better. There is still a difference but my son doesn't notice it as much.

Hi, N.. I think all the other posters are on the right track. One thing I'd like to add in regards to them spending different amounts on the kids would be to just set a rule - spend $20 on all kids or nothing. If they don't follow the rule, tell them to take the presents back (to the stores - not their house) or divide them among all three kids. As for them taking all the presents back with them to their house, no way. Those presents are for the kids and the kids live with you so the presents stay there. There's nothing wrong with them having a few things for her to play with when she OCCASIONALLY comes to visit, but to have her own room with her own clothes, toys, etc. is unacceptable. It's good that you and your husband are on the same page. And if you have to bust up this tight-knit family, so be it. But you have to do what's best for your kids and if people get their feelings hurt in the process then that's just what happens. They'll get over it. However, letting this go on is not healthy and will cause you to resent your husband, his family and eventually your kids will be left in the wake. But the key is to do something fast and not waiver from it. Sit down with your husband and decide what rules need to be in place (i.e. how often ALL KIDS can visit, etc.) and then just stick to your guns - no matter how big of a fuss they make. If they can't follow your rules that you've put in place for YOUR family then they can't see the kids. Their loss. The fact that they tell other people that your daughter is theirs just tells me they need psychiatric help and I wouldn't be afraid to let them know that. It's sick.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you the best of luck with your situation. Blessings!

I sympothize with you about not wanting to confront them. My in-laws are the same way. If I ever say ANYTHING about not liking what they do with my son, it causes a HUGE problem, and they threaten to just stop letting him stay with them (not threaten him, but me). But, I agree with everyone that has posted that the most important thing is the health and happiness of your children. ALL of your children. I would tell them all or nothing. It may be hard, and mabey they can get one at a time..not all at the same time. I would not let anyone show favoritism with my children. It is very damaging to them. One is already asking why?? Can you imagine how sad this makes her feel?? And it will only continue to make her feel worse as they get older and she realizes more and more what's going on. She may begin to feel like they don't love her..that her sister is better than her. And I know that you don't want that. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Just pray that God will make the confrontation go smoothly. That's all you can do. You have to put a stop to this. If your husband won't confront them, you've got to!! Oh yes, also, I would definatly put a STOP to the sister trying to be mommy. It would not feel good to you if she ended up confusing your dd to the point that she doesn't know who her mommy is!!

I would try the next time they are wanting the middle child to come play, tell them that the girls must come together or not at all. If they ask why the new rule, tell them that they are hurting the oldest child's feelings by not including her in their activities and that needs to stop. If they can't include both girls then they need to stop seeing the middle one so often.

I know this has to be hard and I wish you the best.

I think you should talk to her,while being very nice. She might not notice what see is doing is upsetting you and your daughter.
Now with that said Yes, you should see if she won't take them together at times and then alone at times.

Good Luck, T.

This is not going to be easy, But its either confront the situation, or watch you children get hurt. In my oppinion your situation has long since past strange. They are confusing one little girl, hurting the other one, and completly disrespecting you. I have an overbearing mother inlaw of my own and I have to tell you, I will stop her in her tracks when she steps over the line. I'll be the first to admit that I'm an over protective mother but nobodies feelings and wellbeing is more important than my babies. Your sister inlaw and her husband need to be confronted and then they need to get out of your business and mabe focus on having or adopting a child of their own.

I agree that your husband needs to say something. Maybe to not be so controversial start slow. At Christmas ask them to not buy so many gifts for the middle child since the others see the difference. When they ask for the middle one to come over or go to the pool, just say that your other children want their sister around. Start pulling away a little at at time. If that doesn't work then I guess I would get my husband to put a stop to it, PERIO. The other responders are correct. You cannot have that type of division. She will not respect you or your authority.

I would say all or none. Not all the time but it would be an evan thing. I have this problem with my husbands sister and both my children are my husbands. As far as the birthday presents I would tell them that if she can't bring home the gifts they get her don't get her any. I would not allow them to have pictures of my child made and me not get any. A photographer shouldn't be taking pictures of your child without you or your husband present to begin with. I don't think you are being too harsh at all and I think your husband should step up. It took me awhile to get my hubby to see what I was talking about but when he did he confronted his sister about it. It will only cause problems between your children. I am sorry for what you are going through. Good luck keep us posted.

N.,

Your husband's family is wrong! That they should exclude your other two children is so unfair. You are their mother, you have to put your foot down. It seems like they are taking your middle child over. It is not your oldest girls fault that she is not of thier blood but since they accepted the situation, they should accept her no matter what! You and your husband make the decisions for ALL your children, not jut the two older ones and the youngest. You both have to put your foot down with his family or you will end up with the most spoiled child who will not even want to live with you when she is a teenager. She will always have 'Auntie whoever' to run to. You need to put a stop to that NOW! However, your husband has to stand up with you or it will be the family against you and you may not have the strength to stand up to them. Please make it the same for all your children, yours, his, and the two you have together. It is called a family, not whomever they choose to be in the family.

Good luck.

E.

Hello N., Let me be the first to tell you yes it's fair to say that I had the same problem with my husband family when we met 13 years ago in Oct31. I had a girl he had a boy both 1 years old Brady's is Sept29 ,Cynnette is Oct7 they just loved my daughter they thought they looked like twins. Because of so close in age but that all CHANGED when i had Kaileigh now 7.When I had her she was very sick I had her 3 months early. So with all that they where there for us only for Kaileigh not Cynnette, she was 6 at the time, and asked why all the time then I had to put my foot down then 3 years later I had Howie now he is 3. It started all over again they wanted nothing to do with the girls. Well let me tell you I went to my computer and I typed a very nice email letting everyone know how we love all four of our children the same and if they cant then im sorry it's love all or none the same. So this last Christmas was the test and belive all the children were very happy after it was all and done. See we got my husband's son full custody 3 years ago. We had all the kids now so I felt had all the cards. So if they weren't fair to the girls they wouldn't see the boys. but sit down and start writing and I bet it will all come out in the wash like it did for us. My mother in law said she didn't know she was doing that until I told her. So they might not know ,but they do now and its all great for all of them. I hope this helps. Thanks for letting me talk so long.

Sincerely,
J. in Tennessee

I think that the previous poster had some very good advice. The main thing is - do something NOW!
Because as one of the other posters said, this will ruin your daughter for you. She is not going to accept your authority if she can always run to your sister in law.
My prayers are with you on this one. I have had to deal with my in laws in tuff (and tricky) situations before and it is very hard to come out ahead. But remember, your kids and your family have to come before their feelings (their feelings sound kind of off anyway). Good luck and let us know how things go!

If I were you I would tell them all or none. What comes first is your children's feelings, not theirs. It is not right for them to make a difference, and if the children are feeling it then they are making it really obvious who their favorite is. If you don't stand up for your kids then you can't expect anyone else to. In my opinion this is a problem that is going to have to be fixed before your younger children get any older. If your in-laws have a problem with it then your children can just stay home and then you will know that they are being treated equally. If I were you I wouldn't want my other children growing up thinking that they are not as good or worth as much as my middle child. I also wouldn't want my middle child growing up thinking that he/she was better then anyone else, especially brothers and sisters. I hope that my opinion has helped. Good Luck.

Sounds like you need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about this situation.

HE needs to be the one who speaks to his family about this. He needs to say that HE has noticed that they spend much more time with his biological child than they do with their your other child, but that it is not your child's fault that they are not her natural family.

I say HE needs to do it, because if you do it, it will not go as well. They need to hear it from their own son/brother.

What they are doing is harmful, not only to your own child, but also the biological relative to them. See, she is going to grow up totally spoiled by the relatives, and could very well start belieiving that she is better than your other children.

Or, she may end up feeling very upset when she sees what this is doing to your other children. She may notice that she is getting everything, while your other children are treated as the outsiders, and, if she is sensitive to it, it is going to really start eating away at her, and she may eventually stop wanting to see her aunt and other family, because even some children can see when something is not right or not fair. She may end up feeling very guilty every time they buy her something nice, and don't do anything for the other kids.

Your husband needs to take the bull by the horn and sit down with them and just flat out tell them to stop. Your child is going to be a part of their family forever, whether they like it or not. Blood is not everything. They need to build a strong relationship with all 3 children, or they are the ones who will regret it when the children are older.

Your husband also needs to make it very clear that his daughter is HIS daughter, not THEIRS! He should not be allowing them to do everything for her like that. It sounds like they are obsessed with this child, and it needs to stop right now. It could end up being very damaging to the whole family if this situation continues to get out of control.

He needs to right away put limits on the amount of time his sister gets to spend with the child, and he needs to IMMEDIATELY tell them to STOP confusing the child by pretending to be her parents. That is actually very sick, and she is too little to understand that they may be having a private joke but it really isn't funny. They may need to get some counseling, because they really do sound like they need help.

If it were my situation, I would just say that honey, if you can't tell your family all of this, I am going to have to do it for you, then they are going to be mad at me, but for the well-being of this family, I am going to have to step up to the plate and get is said, and if your sister doesn't like it, oh well, she needs to get over it. You have got to have it stop now or it will be never-ending.

In fact, the more time the child spends with your husbands sister, the more she can convince herself that she is the girl's mother, and she may even get ideas of trying to take him to court to sue for custody. If she can prove that the girl spends more time with her and her husband than with your husband and you, she could get lucky with a judge.

I wish you the best of luck.

In response to your concern about your in-laws trying to keep your daughter if you move to SC... It is hard to believe that anyone would have the audacity to "let" you go if you leave YOUR daughter behind... like you are their child and have to get their permission.

Unless your daughter spends more time with them than with you & your husband, unless you &/or your husband do not provide any financial support to your daughter, and unless it can be proven that you are unfit, abusive, on drugs, etc., or custody has already been taken from you by the state or by them, you should have nothing to worry about as far as custody of your daughter goes.

I say MOVE to SC-- You & your kids need a break from his controlling family!! Good luck!

well i had something similar happen with my 19 mon. old daughter..his sister also didn't have a girl. and luckily i had a very wonderful guy who pointed this out to his sis and she started backing away...as for them telling you to leave your daughter forget it ..move and take her with you.. you could also lessen the amount of time they spend with her and if your that concerned don't let her go over there without you or your husband; if completely nessessary don't let her go over there at all noone says you have to she is after all your kid. as for your oldest take her out to mcdonalds or somewhere special when you let your other go to his family...do the same with your other child when he gets old enough and of course include you middle daughter..have a day or night devoted to each child and let them pick what they want to do within reason of course

I will be praying for you and your family. I have VERY strong feelings on this issue and this has got to stop, immediately. You and your husband are the parents, not them. You are allowed to have a life, a private life with your family. If possible you need to move away from them.