Sister-in-law Relationship Suffering in a Big Way

She sounds like she is having a hard time. I am glad you expounded on the previous letter. This makes better sense to me.

She may be totally depressed too. She is going through all sorts of life changes and needs to grow some new skills. She is in a transition stage which is the hardest.

Since you are close to your in-laws I think you should sit down with them and have a frank discussion. They need to be aware she feels left out, unwanted, and even unloved by her parents and probably best friend her brother. She has no one except her son and he is an adult who is on the brink of starting his own new life too.

So she is facing an empty nest in the next few years most likely.

No telling how her ex treated her emotionally and fed into this mind set. He could be behind the whole thing. A loved ones words can change us both inside and out and forever. Whether for good or bad.

She is facing life alone, on her own, having to decide to pay bills, drive herself to her or there, all that goes with becoming single again. She may be one of these women who thrive on being a spouse, mother, and homemaker.

I think that the family should pull together and make some observations about how she is acting when she is with each of the family members individually. If she is acting the same with everyone and saying the same thing to all or if she is playing everyone against the other. If she is saying one thing to you but another thing to the others then it can only help everyone to deal with her as a unit if everyone knows what is happening with each other....that sounds confusing, cohesiveness is not just a way for a team to do the best job, it is a good way for a family to address some actions that a family member is doing to cause distress to some of the family members.

Going home crying from family get together's is just a sad thing. No wonder she is not feeling better at them. She has thought loops going on all the time and they need to be broken. If she is feeling left out everyone needs to make it a point to include her in all conversations and activities. Even a few women doing the dishes is a bonding time for those women. They talk and grow closer. It is not a time to leave someone out. Even if she hates doing dishes she could come in and visit.

There's something else going on. The way you describe your SIL's reactions is the way I react to things out of my control when I forget to take my meds for a few days (I have Bipolar Disorder type 2 and become very agitated and depressed without my medication). She is lonely and sad and probably hasn't worked through some kind of trauma. She reacts to things inappropriately and to an unusual extreme. I say she needs counseling (and maybe meds), but I have no idea how you would get her to see that she needs it. At this point, her parents need to talk to her, and they also need to stop putting you in the middle of it.

So, onto how *you* need to deal with this. Stop inviting her to do stuff if you don't like spending time with her. If you DO actually like hanging out with her, then don't take her cancellations and rejections personally. And then put the responsibility of dealing with her issues on her family, that means her parents and your husband. It is not your place to fix her, it's their place to recognize when she needs help and then assisting her in getting it.

I think it's more than OK if you post something twice. If someone answered it the first time, then they have the option of not answering it the second. What you posted is in no way inflamatory, so what's the big deal? I didn't answer it the first time so I'll take this second opportunity to throw in my two cents' worth.

It sounds like your husband and his sister were close, but are not anymore. I think that's pretty normal. Of course his relationship has changed with her. He has a wife and children now. A life and family of his own with ambitions and dreams of his own is going to change his priorioties quite a bit. That's the normal progession of things. Because she is divorcing again and her children are older, she doesn't have the same thing nor is she in the same position. She could be a little bit jealous or resentful, or just sad that things didn't go the way she wanted them to. It could be making her extra sensitive to things.

I think you are doing everything that you can do to accomodate her sensitivity, but she kind of needs to go ahead and put her big girl panties on. Why would you consider a concert ticket for her in relation to a gift for you MIL for Mother's Day? Why should she be invited to everything you guys plan? Why would it be inappropriate to want to have quality time on a one on one basis between your children and their grandparents? These are things you don't need to apologize for.

I have a SIL who is very, very similar. We are military so we are not close to either home right now, but at one point we were three hours away from my husband's hometown and anytime his family would come into town to see us, she would invite herself and her husband and their two kids along. She wouldn't ask or wait for an invitation. She would just call and say, we're coming, too! Now, it was never for just a day. It was always for a weekend. So there we were with 8 extra people to feed and intertain for up to 4 days. (My MIL, FIL, BIL, GMIL, SIL, her husband and two nephews). When we came into town she would be at the house every single dadgum day from 7:30 in the morning until dark. There was no sleeping in, no quality time with the grandparents. She had to be a part of everything. It was batcrap crazy. She was so worried about being left out that she bombard us all the time. I finally had to say that it was ridiculous and that she lived there and got nearly their undivided attention, so we would like at least a day or two where we didn't have to share. Slowly it has gotten better, but it took years.

You are doing everything you can. Include her when you can and let her say whether she will participate or not, but don't jump through your own butt trying to do everything and be everything. She needs to do some of the work and she needs to get glad in the same pants she got mad in.

while this reposting does contain some very important additional info about your relationship with your SIL....I'm just not sure "why" you feel the need to repost/rehash the bulk of the situation. As I'm typing this, there are 15 responses to your 1st post. Lots of great ideas....

which leads me to: what more do you want from us? I'm not trying to be mean. I am simply at a loss & not sure where you're going with this. How can we help you?

Based on your additional info, my original post still stands....but I will temper it with a concern for your SIL's mental health.

Another issue for me would be your statement "I feel like if my SIL gets what it seems she wants nobody wins"....how do you consider this a loss? How is it a loss to share grandparents with your SIL & her child? I truly don't get how this is a loss!

In my original response, I used the phrase "One Big Happy". Why are you so opposed to this thought & why do you feel it's a loss to your own family? I understand you are from a big family....so is my husband. He has 7 siblings, & we all gather together. (well, honest answer: prior to my MIL's death, we gathered as a family. Since then, we're down to 1-2 times/year...but it has nothing to do with #s -almost 40 of us -& has everything to do with a drifting of the family values, without my MIL as our anchor).

Sooo, since this post focuses more on your SIL's erratic/emotional behavior, perhaps it's time for your DH to discuss with their parents her emotional state....& for you to back out of the dynamics. By doing this, you will no longer be placed in a position of "blame". At the same time, continue to gather as a full family....& leave it at that. Peace.

EDIT: as stated above, I am not trying to be mean. I'm simply wondering which direction you're trying to head. :)

It's not silly on your part, but she is being silly. Sometimes all your best efforts still won't do the trick, and you have to be okay with that. Her concerns are real and valid, but there is nothing that anyone can do for her. You all cannot cater to her, and you cannot continue to let her make you feel bad. I think that it's great that your in-laws support you and that you have good relationships. I hate to say it, but until she decides to fix what's going on inside her, she will be a casualty of this situation. It does not make sense to let one person ruin things for EVERYBODY, which is what is happening. I think that you should continue to be yourself and include her where you can, but don't let her unhappiness keep you from enjoying yourself and others.

I don't know what words you use when you have heart-to-hearts with her. Like when you had dinner and told her about the trip that she cried about for three hours--I wouldn't have sat through a three-hour cry-fest. I would have let her lodge her compolaint and then asked her what she wanted from the situation. I tend to be more straight-up when I talk to people, so I would have asked her outright, "What do you want here? How do you think that this should have been handled?" just to get more of her perspective. Then I would have pointed out to her that everyone is aware that she is greatly affected by the current dynamic(s) and want her to be more comfortable but can't do it for her. Find out how she would have you do things. Then, tell her what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do to accommodate her. I know that you say that they have all been very close, but I would guess that there is some disconnect there, given that she is having such a hard time sharing her family, the two divorces under her belt, her brother is not particulary sensitive to her unhappiness, etc. This is not your doing. This was way before you. There's nothing like an outside force to show the dysfunction in a relationship. (Think about this: A married couple gets along fine and are best friends and really enjoy each other. Everything is always perfect, until a certain outsider comes around. That's when the friction starts. Guess what--it's not the outsider's fault. The outsider just shows the couple an underlying issue that THEY have between them.)

Yep, I think I am in a similar situation.

One being my oldest sister. Since childhood, I have always seen her as the oldest and that is why she always got her way. For the 3rd time now, since I have been married (15 years) she is not speaking to me. The first time when we eloped - took 6 months to recover. The second time when her husband left her and I was in class and she was blowing up my phone...I sent my husband to her house to check on her. He calmed her down and told her she will make it, she could get a job, and that she has a brain. His intention was to calm her and tell her she was smart. She was fine until my next call when she exploded and then didn't speak to me for 6 months. And now, she borrowed some $30K from my mother and I wasn't suppose to find out, I guess. I asked her if she had spoken to my mother because she was going to get a job (after retirement) and she said she thought she was set financially. Knowing about the loan, but not telling her, I told her I was going to quiz my mother and find out what was going on. She then quizzed my mother and cursed her up and down and then "defriended" me on FB. This was last August, so we are way past our 6 month marker. If the thought occurs, this isn't about my money because we have enough to pay for what we need, need being the key word. In material things, she has 5 times what I have, but I don't need the extras.

To that I say fine. I haven't done anything wrong to her. I have a few regrets. My mother doesn't have her family in tact, my daughter misses her aunt, and I miss my niece and nephew. My daughter calls her aunt from my mothers house and I send my niece and nephew text messages. Otherwise, I can't be responsible for everything and neither can you.

Personally in both cases, I think they both sound like they are depressed. When my sister and I are speaking, we are so close. If the wrong thing is said, she blows up and will not accept my calls.

It sounds like your SIL is very passive aggressive. She wants you to take the responsibiliity for her strained relationship with her family. The thing with relationships is that mostly you get out of it what you put into it.

Based on your post she seems negative or at least stuck in a funk. You can invite her to come out of her shell but you shouldn't take responsibility for her bad feelings. No matter what you do she will feel bad and that is a product of what is inside of her.

Perhaps a family sit down with her to discuss this entire matter with a counselor would be good for the entire family.

Her feelings are hurt because she chooses to have hurt feelings. She needs to take a deeper look insider herself but my guess is that she isn't ready for that journey.

It is natural for her relationship to change when a wife comes along but it is also up to her to make the best of it. It just doesn't seem that she is making lemonade out of lemons with her decision making processes.

Each day is a new day and you get to choose what kind of day you are going to have. She doesn't seem to be picking the brighter side of life. Again not your problem but don't allow her to suck you into her negativity or the rest of the family. Love her but be you. Be tender towards her but don't let her try to manipulate you into feeling bad for the relationship you have with her parents. She needs to water and cultivate her relationship with them which has nothing to do with you. You can actually continue to point that out to her. Just stay sweet and loving and kind towards her.

Poor woman. She sounds extremely jealous and insecure and immature. She really could benefit from years of therapy. It sounds like you are doing absolutely nothing wrong, so don't blame yourself. Your SIL has real issues! I don't have any advice for you, but I had a friend like this a long time ago. She would get hurt and cry if I did something with a different girlfriend. She did get into therapy and it's been about 15 years of therapy now and she is a much more mature person now. Back in the day when she was so upset, all I did was comfort her and reassure her that her friendship still meant so much to me. She has talked to me a lot about how much she has learned in therapy and most of her issues all stem from her childhood, the type of people her parents were, and her family dynamic.

I think that now being twice divorced, your SIL is mourning that she has two failed marriages and perhaps envies your marriage (and that of her parents) but can't recognize or articulate that. And I think she's desperately in need of therapy. Her reactions are not normal, your behavior is totally normal and acceptable. If I were you, I would have your husband talk to your MIL and see if she sees that same things that you and he do, and if they agree, perhaps your MIL can encourage her to get some help. But otherwise, just live your life. There is no need to tiptoe around your ILs because your SIL is unstable.