Sister in Law - Albuquerque,NM

What sort of etiquette is it that a husband and wife are separated at the dinner table? NONE that is what..

She sets you up to fail. She is rude to you. She is the last person that should be in charge of what the rules of etiquette are..

Your husband shares part of this treatment. If "he does not want to hear any "negative," talk.", I would tell him to kiss my.. you know what.. And instead he can go with you to marriage counseling instead.. I guarantee you he will hear talk from the therapist about this.

From now on, do not act like a second hand citizen. Stand up to this bull. Sit next to your husband just explain that you always sit next to your spouse. OR have your husband sit with you at the second tier table and make it enjoyable for everyone sitting at that table..

There is no reason to have secrets, since your husband does not honor them again.. who cares what they all think about your errand.

Consider staying at a hotel. This woman sounds toxic.
I am sending you strength.. Unfortunately you are being treated the way I was treated by both my MIL and SIL for almost 30 years of marriage. I no longer have anything to do with them and I never wonder,, "Gee I wonder how MIL and SIL are doing?" I do encourage my husband and daughter to see them, but i do not put myself in that situation.. I deserve better.

What errand was so secret that the whole family needed (or didn't need) to know about? And so why did your husband do what you asked him not to? Why is it a big deal that we send gifts for staying for a visit? I don't do that (but I have so in the past), and would not expect it. Usually we take out to dinner to compensate which works fine. Why are you staying with her during the holidays? Why not a hotel? Do you have your own family to spend the holidays with?

These are questions that go to both sides I guess, so you need to take care of yourself, and not cower to the family. This does not mean get confrontational and start a rift, as that will go nowhere fast, but you just play dumb and make other plans for the holidays. There is no reason to spend every major holiday with your in laws if you are miserable.

Seriously, what kind of family are you in that you think that no children in the family means you do not count? Is that you, or them?

Good luck, and take care...

What you say here reminds me so much of a situation in my family. My husband's cousin's wife did this to me. At first I thought I was crazy, like just imagining it. I talked to my husband about it and he wasn't sure if I was right or not. So I am the kind of person to talk about things. I called her up to see if I had offended her, that way we could talk it out I could apologize and we could patch things up. We are a close family and we both have children that our about the same age and cousins so I didn't want things to be tense all the time. She didn't take my call three times. When she finally did, she said it was nothing, she was tired. But I later found out that she did share with my MIL the real reason and it was really stupid. So you know what, I just cut her off. Of course my husband did back me up, which helped a lot. But I just stopped calling or worrying if she called. Some of our mutual friends suggested I friend her on FB, I didn't. She threw a party for somebody's home business, I didn't respond. I just let it go, I don't send them a Christmas card, I don't send her kids stuff for their birthdays or for Christmas, I just stopped. I felt like my life was revolving around her bad behavior so I just got off that bus. I didn't like that one bit. If I see her I will never be rude, I will be very glad to see the kids and I hate that they miss out on a relationship, but you know, who's fault is that? I just went on with life without her in it, bc she made it clear that is what she wanted. I don't do it out of anger or unforgiveness, only out of the reality that I am happier not chasing her down and apparently she is happier out of my life as well. The family can think whatever they want. Once I let it go and and let her go after a while her true colors came more to light. Like in your situation, I would probably greet everyone and just not say much to her one way or the other. I would just enjoy those that were open to me and leave her be. As far as being seated inappropriately, if you can let it go, enjoy those around you, laugh and have fun regardless of her childishness, that will be the best defense. Once she sees that nothing she does controls your good time or attitude any power she has over you will be gone. That is what I did, and in time it worked. I forgive her and keep at a great distance. Best wishes, I know it is hard and has had many years to build up. Maybe just tell your husband that you aren't going out of your way for her anymore but let him be free to relate to the family in whatever way seems good to him. Take care!!
EDIT: Ok, I am seeing that maybe you actually are not seated with your husband at the dinner table, and uh, no way no day would that fly with me. If my husband didn't mind being separated at the table, then he could just spend the whole day there without me. Otherwise I would inform her that I would be seated with my husband, I don't care about making a scene about things like that and if that is the case, I think your husband should man up and let her know that you are his wife and he will be seated with you. Just wanted to clear that up!!

I can tell that this is a very difficult situation for you. Family stuff/relations are never easy. Since it seems that her home is the gathering place, understandably, you want to be respectful in her home. Continue to be loving to her children (since they don't have anything to do with this)However, you are giving your sisiter -in-law way too much power. Not just about the relationship or how she treats you, but in how you are seeing yourself in this relationship and as part of the family. Focus on your own family, your husband and your children, (step or not, you have been part of their lives for 17yrs. I'm sure you love them as your own). Understand that your husband has a loyalty to his family, but tell him that you are his wife and you need his complete and unfaltering support for this situation.
So you hate to visit your sister-in-law. So don't. What is the worst that would happen? Could you just be honest when someone in the family asks why you are not visiting? Or when you do visit, not giving any energy to her rudeness and according to your post, a complete lack of respect for you. You can either be calm and straightforward and confront her, no matter if you think you have 100%back up from your husband or not. Or you can ignore her, or do both, or love her from afar and only focus on her good qualities (I know this seems completely out there, but when we focus on the positive things about others -even the ones we hate - our energy shifts, and in turn thiers does too. Or understanding why someone acts a certain way, ie: she treats you badly because of her own insecurities? It doesn't mean becoming her friend. It just means the energy you put out can affect how others treat you in return) How much better would you feel about yourself if you just stopped worrying about what she or the family thinks of you? Do you really feel that you are second class to her or that you don't matter because you don't have biological children? What value do you place upon yourself regardless of them? You are a person, you count, no matter what you beleive they think. Focus on the love you have for yourself, your husband, your children, for other people, things, and interests and do not waste anymore of your precious energy and time trying to make your sister in law change. Focus instead on how and where you want to put your energy.

I wish you all the best.

PS...I normally don't respond to other womens/moms posts with such directness and "telling someone else what to do". I find that women have such an incredible intuition and asking questions so that she can find her own answers from her inner wise woman is the best approach. However, sometimes, as women, we tend to forget our innate Divine ability to harness our instinctual loving wisdom and thus we stop trusting ourselves and listening to ourselves and have a difficult time understanding the intentions of others and it reflects in how we feel about ourselves and how we really can respond and move through any situation with strength, wisdom, and love.

A.
mom of 4. married 17 yrs. Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

I know you say your husband is "oblivious to her" and doesn't want to hear negative talk" but it doesn't REALLY sound like he backs you up! Yes--you are trying to be the bigger person, but you are still being treated rudely! I believe HE needs to say something to his brother or SIL about this. It's been allowed to go on too long.
That would be the damn day I would not sit next to my husband at Thanksgiving! I believe I'd have to get up and switch out a place card or two and say "You've overlooked the fact that my husband and I are to be seated together!"
Otherwise, I wouldn't pay her the time of day. And I wouldn't "rescue" her anymore either.

You are not seated with your husband at Thanksgiving or Christmas? What etiquette book is she using that says that is acceptable? She sounds like a jerk and you should do your best to avoid her. Help the children when necessary, but why come to her aid when she treats you so badly. Are you guardians now or if she were to pass away? Sorry I am having some trouble understanding some of what you wrote. You need to talk with your husband about his loyalty to you. He does not have to go against his sister and other relatives, but he should stick up for you and respect your wishes (such as not telling people where you went when asked not to). I hope you told him he was wrong about that. His allowing his family to continue to treat you is not right. If you are seated at a different table then your husband for the next gathering, tell him he better sit with you at the secondary table. If he does not, I would do what another post said - stop going to his family functions.

You have given your SIL the power to make life miserable for you. Take back your power and have a good time in spite of her behavior. Stop paying attention to what she does or doesn't do. You do what you want to do. If you want to sit with your husband at family dinners, do so. Does she put out place cards? How is she able to make you sit at the second tier table?

Play dumb and do what you want in a gracious way. Ignore her bad manners.

As to keeping secrets, as you've learned, doing so often backfires. Live your life confidentally and then you won't have to have secrets. Know that you are a good person who is responsible for yourself, your well being including your happiness, and your decisions. I suggest that if you hadn't asked your husband to not tell that this would've ended differently. By asking him to keep an unnecessary secret you're playing into your SIL's hands. You're playing her game.

Let go of the drama. Be who you are. You are only without standing when you give the other person permission to treat you that way.

By the way: At a formal dinner party it is expected to seat spouses separately. After all they eat together everyday. lol A part of etiquette is also to seat people so that they are comfortable and conversation flows. Perhaps boning up on etiquette would give you a way to remind her in helpful and gracious way about other parts of etiquette that she's choosing to ignore.

My heart goes out to you. I'm almost in tears reading about what you have had to endure and I'm just not that warm and fuzzy about your husband's response or lack of support. If I were you I would no longer put myself through the drama. I wouldn't go and the trips with him to visit the unsupportive family and if there were some reason or some other people that I wanted to spent time with on these trips I would do just that. I would go as far as making separate arrangements for me to lay my head some place else other than her house. Perhaps visit other friends or relatives in the area if I had to make the trip but as long as I was going to be treated rudely I just wouldn't have any of it.

Side note: Being grown has it's priviledges. I don't make apologies or excuses about where I go and what I do. I am just up front and honest. I make it a practice of not lying. Life is just simpler that way.

I would try to get hubby to see by talking with him and if that didn't work then I would just have to show him just how unhappy I am and that his family is the cause of my sorrow. I would also find ways to make myself happy and content outside of his family. Do you want to raise children? Perhaps adopting or being a foster parent may be a option for you guys. Children are a huge proposition, tons of responsibility and little reward until well after your work is done raising them.

I'm just praying the best for you but I really would just show hubby how you are feeling and them too. Enough is enough. You don't have to live like that any more.

I completely sympathize and empathize with you and your situation. I had 2 SIL's that were evil (one is divorced, thank God, and I do not speak to the other one b/c of what she did to me). Family dinamics SUCK and it just amazes and horrifies me how rude, evil, insecure and immature so many family members are to one another!! It truly shocks and baffles me. With all of that said, this is truly not about your cruel SIL. This is about your cruel husband (no offense, but it's true). He doesn't support you and most importantly, he disclosed a secret to the family that you asked him to keep! That is the main issue here. Why the hell did your husband do that to you? If my husband did that to me, I would assume he doesn't love or respect me and would consider divorce, it is that serious. Your husband deliberately disrespected your request and intentionally told the family when you asked him not to. I am getting hot and angry right now typing this. Your only real problem right now is your husband's disrespect for you. If he won't go to marriage counseling with you to learn how to be a good and respectful husband to you, then you will have much bigger problems than a mean SIL. I am so sorry for you. Oh, and if you choose to stay married, do NOT go to any more family functions if she will be there.

MY! This truly sounds like a severe case of jealousy. Please don't let her change you into something you are not. Be true to yourself, but don't let others treat you like a secondary citizen! You have every right to be a part of that family as she does. Why on earth would you not sit next to your husband during Thanksgiving or Christmas!?!?!?! You are an adult as well, and as a guest in her home you should be treated as such. I would demand that. If you are unable to make other plans as others suggested, I would be sweet but JUST a guest. If she expects you to sit at another table due to etiquette, make her tell you to move in front of the other guests, and make sure to ask WHY you have to move and not sit next to your husband. It does sound like she is a very insecure person, and you threaten her. It also sounds like she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband. Please don't let her!

I wonder how you get along with others on your husband's side of the family? Is she the only rotten apple in the bunch or is this a trend that is magnified in her behavior? Just because you can't/won't have children that are blood related to this family doesn't make you any less of a part of that family.

I wish you the best of luck! Keep those lines of communication open with your husband and make sure he knows how you feel (be sure to give examples of things that have happened) and put your foot down. Forget that he wants everyone to play "nice." Sounds like if he wants that he should start with his sister!