Sister Issue

I would just let it go. My husband has one brother. Another died in infancy. At his brothers forst wedding, my husband was asked to be an usher. Yes, an usher, not even a groomsman. In the 2nd wedding, he was the last person asked to be a groomsman. I dont believe hes ever said anything to his brother about this. Just a thought.

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER - IF you are close to her then there should not be any question as to who she chooses. YOU should be the Matron... I would be devistated. Say soemthing in the nicest way possible, but tell her that you don't want to be the matron if it is out obligation, but that she should know that you're at least bummed out and that you don't understand. Perhaps it will bring you closer. Best of Luck

H.. here's my advice. don't let it bother you. i think that we tend to put to much emphasis/status on things like this. instead of having your feelings hurt b/c you didn't get the "position" in the wedding that you want, be happy that she's happy. and be grateful that you have a close enough relationship that she wants you to be in her wedding standing along the side of her closest friends. i'm sure it wasn't the easiest decision for her either. i don't think you're being petty, but i think if you look at the picture in a broader spectrum, it might be of more comfort. xo

Honestly, I think you are being very petty. This is your sister's wedding, not yours. You should be happy that she has found happiness again especially after such a bad relationship the first time around. I really don't understand why people get so offended about weddings. Your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life and for so many people it is nothing but stress and hurt feelings because no matter what, you can't please everyone. You should be happy that she has included you in her wedding party and support her in all the difficult decisions that she has to make right now. Don't add stress to her already stressful plans. She is showing you that she loves you and you are just letting a little thing come between the to of you. Sorry to be so blunt but I have seen so many brides in tears because their family tried to dictate how their wedding should be. Love your sister and support her in her new found happiness.

As for the first wedding, she was perhaps trying to distribute the honor. It's difficult when you have several people close to you, that you want to include each in a special way. Asking another to hold the ring was not likely intended as a slight, and should not be taken as such. Unless you KNOW otherwise, you should let go of the hurt on that issue. But talk to her about it if you need to understand it better.
Not being asked to be Matron of Honor this time around may be her way of making this wedding a new one, giving another friend a chance at this position (not intending a slight at all). Talk to her about it, but accept her decision. I agree with asking for a title change to Bride's Matron, as you are no longer a "Maid."
You're not being petty. But you don't seem to get why she does what she does in her wedding. If she was ungrateful or meant to hurt you, she wouldn't have included you at all.
Hang in there.

Good mornin H.,

Of course you're a good person. You are thinking over your feelings, honoring them, and trying to decide how to respond to your feelings as well as your sister's feelings. Unkind people don't do that. {{:c)

Feelings are feelings. There is no sense in me or anyone else judging your feelings or their appropriateness. If someone is standing on my foot, I feel it. There is no point in chstising my ability to feel something. If I am feeling it, there must be a reason. It is important for you to honor and trust your own feelings. Exploring our own feelings and considering how secure we feel about ourselves and our relationships with our families is something we continually learn to improve upon throughout our lives.

How you choose to act toward someone else, however, can be more or less courteous and respectful. Feelings are not petty, but actions and words certainly can be. Anything done or said in a petty manor will always be regretted later by anyone able to perceive regret. (You are blessed if you can feel regret. Those who cannot are sociopathic.)

The problem we often face is understanding that, as adults, we need to learn to take personal responsibility for our own feelings. It took me some years to learn that I know who I am and to develop a sense of personal honor and dignity that was not easily shattered by the thoughtlessness of others. I found it tremendously helpful to learn how to use the Emotional Freedom Techniques and now teach it to clients. You can find instruction free at www.emofree.com.

As far as your sister is concerned, there may be many reasons for her decisions. She may be hurting some people's feelings by trying too hard not to hurt anyone's feelings. (Quite honestly I don't understand some traditions. Why honor one bridesmaid over the others and why not let the bride and groom carry the rings themselves or have the minister present them?) Of course, it is possible that your sister is acting in pettiness rather than maturity. But, that is her issue, not yours. If you have doubts about your relationship with your sister, you may want to discuss this with her in a kind and respectful way at another time. Taking up such issues while someone is planning their wedding is not likely to work out well for either of you. If you do want to have such a discussion in future, consider ways to ask respectful questions about what she feels and what the basis of her decisions were. It never helps to open a conversation with acusations and venting feelings.

Keep in mind that it is the brides responsibility to organize her wedding. Who she asks to take part in the ceremony is really up to her and she has many things to consider. However, agreeing to be a bridesmaid is your choice entirely. It often requires some amount of time and money to get fitted for a dress you are often required to buy, but did not choose. If you feel you cannot do this out of joy, there is no law requiring you to agree. All you have to say is that you just aren't up to it at this time. You can even tell her that it would be too emotional for you, if you wish to divulge that much info. If she asks questions about your feelings, you can thank her for her concern over your issues, but that you would prefer to talk with her after the wedding, when her life is more settled.

If it was my wedding, I would not want a bridesmaid to be harboring resentments.

So, to sum up my thoughts on the issue as you presented it:

1. Use kindness and understanding with yourself. Nice people
have feelings. Really nice people are kind to themselves
and are thoughtful of others, as well.

2. Be kind and patient with your sister's wedding plans.
They are her decisions to make. The marriage is more
important than the wedding. Try to give her the benefit
of the doubt. She has a lot of people to consider and
may be doing her best.

3. Respect your feelings, but don't let them become the issue
during the wedding or its planning. Make a plan to find
peace and dignity within yourself (without just sucking it
up). Once you resolve your own feelings within yourself,
decide how you might want to improve your relationship
with your sister when she is not in the midst of wedding
plans. Don't make the mistake of thinking that accusing
your sister of insulting motives will heal your feelings
or improve your relationship. Back away from the whole
issue if you must, but do so respectfully. This protects
your dignity as well as your sister's.

4. Forgiveness is truly precious. It doesn't mean we have to
leave ourselves vulnerable to abuses. It simply means we
accept our feelings, our limitations, and the feelings and
limitations of others. I like to forgive in advance. I
know we are all shortsighted at times. People will make
mistakes that will affect me. Very few people will ever
really want to hurt me. So, I choose to forgive everyone
in advance and to be prepared to draw my own boundaries if
I see that it is necessary. But, I try to remember to
draw boundaries with respect and courtesy.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you and that you are able to make it through the whole ordeal with a sense of peace and grace and joy.

When I got remarried, I lost my best friend of 14 years because she got really mad that she wasn't my matron of honor. I chose another friend that I had met 2 years earlier but we had "hung" out more than my other friend and I did. I did ask that my best friend make all the flowers, food and alter my wedding dress and she is a very good seamstress. She totally refused to do any of that and I thought it was a more important job than just standing up beside me and holding my flowers and fixing my train. The best man had the rings.

It is now 4 years later and she still isn't talking to me. We attend the same church and I talk to her husband and kids all the time. We still invite them over but she never comes. I think and her husband and kids as well, thinks she is acting like a child and holding a grudge. She's pouting just like a child and in the past when I have tried to talk with her, she acts as if I'm not in the room. The Pastor at our church has even told her she needs to forgive and talk to me about it and she has told him she never will.

Don't let this happen to you. Talk to her and listen to her answer as why she didn't pick you.

J.

Dear H.,
I tried reading all of your responses to make sure I was not redundant, hopefully I have something different for you to ponder:
I first want to say, I feel for you and your quandry.
My hope is that your sister honestly is not trying to hurt your feelings in anyway and also that you two are close enough to talk this through. By what you wrote, you are the one she went to after her divorce and that says tons.
Someone wrote that "Blood is thicker than water." That is very true. We also have to keep in mind that when there is
a wedding, there must be circumstances behind every reason and vice-versa.
Consider: Have you two been talking about this guy? Have you two been talking about the wedding? Has she been giddy with you on the phone? Are you very involved with the details?
Do you know all and who is/are involved despite the miles between you two? Is she keeping you in the loop?
IF no, or not to some of these questions, then why?? Only she can answer these questions and only you can ask them?? You can do this in a very loving way. You can find out her plans without being offensive. I know some people have said, back off, and others have said call, Ladies love talking about their wedding plans and that is how your conversation can start.
In my first wedding, my sister was only 10 years old, therefore she held the title "Junior Brides Maid", and she carried both the rings in on a pillow. We had a flower girl that threw the petals, but not a ring-bearer. I have four best-friends and they all held the same title to avoid any "stress". The things we do to avoid conflict.
My second wedding: My husband and I went to the Justice of the Peace out-of-state and our family and friends knew about it, but we wanted a private ceremony because it was both our second marriage. He and I both want to renew our vows in a church and I want my sister to stand beside me, but I won't have that chance now, because you see, she died last year from leukemia and now I will have to honor her another way--and I will.
I am not saying this to try to convince you and/or your sister that what choices are made can become regrets, but just food for thought. The day is about her and her groom, I agree, and that has been said over and over. It has also been said that friends come and go and Sisters are for life--yes, blood is for life and when that life is gone, wishes and what-if's can not be replaced. Okay, I really was trying not to be sappy, but there you go. LOVE your sister, whatever her choices are; LOVE her unconditionally, LOVE her knowing that you are and will be the one that she will come to when times are tough, and that LOVE will always replace any sub-title you may be given.
Because the most important title you have is : "SISTER".
From one older sister to another: M. N.

Planning a wedding is hard enough - add balancing everyone's feelings and it can get pretty stressful. Be grateful you could be there to help your sister when she needed you, be humbled by the invitation to be an attendant of any position, and be happy for your sister that she's moving forward in life. Where you stand in her second wedding is of no consequence...how you foster your relationship now and in the future is what matters.

I had my 3 sisters as my bride's maids (and maid of honor) at my wedding because I felt like I had to, it was my duty. It's silly, they aren't involved in my life, live far away, barely knew my husband... Be glad that your sister loves you enough to know that your relationship is based on more than just standing up at her wedding, that you'll be there for her on the unimportant and hard days too. Maybe she just thinks you're close enough that your relationship can withstand it and the maid of honor's is more rocky. Who knows why, but be there for her.

K.

I read the reports from all the others and I think the consensus is to let it go and enjoy the program-WHATEVER. I agree. Life is too short and so many tragedies can happen and this is YOUR SISTER-remember this is a lifetime hqppening and you can always get together and laugh and/or cry about the whole thing for years to come. In some religions the siblings cannot stand up and support their others at all so this is a real pride to be in the wedding and not sitting out front. I know it makes you feel like you are being slighted and maybe just a little but this is ok there will be other things you will be the princess in and for. Believe me I hear that from my family all the time and yes it does come around to you again. so hug your sis and love her for all she is trying to do-which is have a good and stable life with a man she loves and who loves her back. Be proud that you also can say that about your own husband. After all this is what we are all looking for isn't it? love and be loved. Now go hug her and ENJOY THE WHOLE WEDDING! Give yourself andyour husband a big pat on the back for being so supportive and prove to yourself that you are through thick and/or thin. Smile girl you can do it-it is the most important thing you will ever do to stay in with your self and your family.

I think you have every right to feel hurt. I would too. I have found though, in these cases she probably didn't intend to hurt you and doesn't want you to feel this way. At this point she has probably already asked someone else to be the Matron of Honor and she would have to rescind that. Also, do you want to be the Matron of Honor when you have to ask for it? Regardless, I feel I am also a little too nice so if it were myself in this situation I'd vent to my husband (a bit), take a couple days before I talked to my sister (to get comfortable with my feelings) and try to let it go. I love weddings and I'd rather get over my hurt feelings now so I could have a good time there. Plus, you won't have as many responsibilities and can actually have fun that day with the rest of your family.

P.S. Do you have kids? She might have thought she was doing you a favor if you do, because she probably figured you had so much on your plate already.

I know it's nice to just be asked.

H., I know it's hard when you're so close to the situation but try to think of the big picture. In ten or twenty years will it really matter if you were the bridesmaid or the Matron of Honor? Or will the memories of simply being included in the wedding be what matters? She's your sister and I'm sure she loves you but right now she is focused only on herself (this is her day) and probably has no idea she's hurt your feelings. If it really is that important, talk to her so she knows how you feel. Best of luck and hang in there!

First of all, I think these feelings are natural. Women are more sensitive, that is why there are so many niceties and pleasing to do.
But, just because the feelings are normal, does not mean that you should let them control you or your relationship. No matter what your feelings are, your head knows that your sister is most important, not a title she did not give to you.
In my opinion, the title "sister" says it all. No one else knows her for all of her life. No one else has lived with not only you, but with your parents, and family is so much of who we are and become. No matter what title someone else gets, it can't trump "sister."
My point is, you may feel slighted, but I think you also feel proud that you are her sister. I'm sure you have a million feelings of all different kinds for her. What matters is the feelings that you choose to fill your heart, and the feelings that you let die. Choose the happiness and love, and let go of anything that could make you think less of her or ruin your relationship.

Not trying to sound harsh here, but how can you feel insulted that your sister has asked you the honor of standing up for her on such a special day? I think you are being petty here and forgetting the point of standing up.

My second wedding I asked a different person to stand as my matron of honor. I asked my first maid of honor the first time, and asked her again to stand for me as a bridesmaid, and she was proud to participate in whatever way I needed. I did not change the person because our relationship changed, I just thought it might be nice to give someone else a chance, you know?

I think you need to re-evaluate what she has asked you, and the meaning behind it. And remember she is asking you to be a part of this most important day and that is what is counts, not order, and definitely not a title. If you are caught up in titles and what stuff you hold, maybe you should back out of being a bridesmaid because your intent is not what it should be. You should be there for your sister, and be proud to do it in whatever way she needs.

Again, sorry if this was harsh--I am calling it as I see it.

A.

Unfortunately, I am not known for sugar coating things, so here is my perspective on the situation.

I feel that there are two things wrong with this:
1. You are making this whole thing bigger than what it is.
2. You are making this about you.

Why are you turning your sister's decision to have someone else stand up for her into a slap in the face for yourself? She has the right to choose anyone she wants to be her matron of honor. Just because you are her sister does not mean that you should fill that position by default. Since when has a wedding become more about the people standing up for the bride and groom than the bride and groom themselves? Or, more important than reason the wedding is happening in the first place?
I hate to be so candid and straight forward, but it erks me to hear of people in a wedding party squaking back and forth or arguing for immature and selfish reasons and neglecting to realize that a wedding is about the two people marrying and connecting before God; not about you or anyone else in the wedding party, or the mother/father of either the bride or the groom. Everyone invited to either stand up in the wedding party or attend is given a gift when the bride and groom asked you to witness their union - not the other way around.
I am sure your sister is stressed enough, don't add to it by trying to sit her down and change her mind regarding her decision about who you think should be the matron of honor. Get over it and move on for the sake of your sister's happiness.

WHen one of my closest friends got married, she was really conflicted. WHen she and I used to talk about our weddings, we both agreed we each wanted our sister in the wedding but that was it...we didn't want the long drawn out trail of bridesmaids. Needless to say, as the day approached for her, she felt pressure from her family and other good friends to make the wedding party huge. First, she had to add her cousin, then if she invited one of her friends from college, it needed to be her three friends. Then she looked at me and said, You are my oldest friend, do you want to be in the wedding party too? I told her going to her wedding was most important and honoring what she wanted for her wedding party was also important to me. I didn't NEED to be in the party if that would make things more uncomfortable. She was relieved...I wasn't in the party. It was weird the day of the wedding because those petty college friends thought they had one up on me because I wasn't in the wedding, but I knew better and was happy that I didn't contribute to her stress that day.

WHen my own sis got married, she is LDS and I couldn't be at her temple ceremony so her BFF at the time (they no longer talk) assisted her in the temple ceremony, and the following week, when they had a more general affirmation ceremony that us non LDS could attend, I was supposed to be her "maid of honor" or whatever term she wanted to use. Her BFF still horned in on the day...I was completely pushed away from the experience. I could've complained but it wouldn't have helped my sister any that day...I was there and got to see her affirmation (although not her actual vows which upset me more).

What's the moral of my two stories...the day isn't about who gets to be the brides maid or the maid of honor or anything like that. The day is about having a public celebration of someone's love and commitment. That is the most important thing...the rest of it is extra stuff and in the long run, doesn't mean anything. Given your sister knew she could lean on you in her divorce tells you how important you are to her...that's what sisters are really for. Sometimes those sorts of choices can hurt, but in the end, the day moves on and you'll always be there for her. FTR, my sis's BFF is no longer in her life because she was too petty and interfering in my sister's life...go figure. I pegged that on the wedding day! LOL!!! I STILL get the last laugh...

It is only human nature that you would feel hurt by your sister's decision. However, remeber, it is mostly a societal stereotype that says your blood relative should be your Maid or Matron of Honor. Quite frankly she may have done it because she knows that you are busy being a wife and mother and may not have the time to do what she expects of this position, or maybe she doesn't realize it hurts your feelings.

I was the first of all my firends to get married and I found that in all the weddings that followed (all 6 in a year & half) the women involved take this bridesmaid/maid of honor thing WAY more seriously then the guys! It should be an honor just to be asked to stand up with someone at their wedding, don't get caught up in what your being called, in the long run it really doesn't mean a thing!

Weddings are tricky affairs. Different people, cultures, religions, do things differently. As the world has gotten smaller, ceremonies have taken on different traditions.

You were your sister's matron of honor at her first wedding. We always have the best man hand the ring. So, to me, there was nothing to be hurt about at the first wedding. But, to be honest, I have seen people take on all sorts of roles at a wedding so more people can be included in the ceremony. It's not meant to take something away from someone else.

Your sister may feel that since you were matron of honor before, she would have someone different be the matron of honor this time. Do you think she means to hurt you by not making you matron of honor? Do you think that by not being her matron of honor she is dismissing your love and support? If that's what you think, you should reconsider being in the wedding at all.

Well sisters will always have a special connection and bond. If it were me I think I would explain to her it is her choice to choose the matron of honor and you will except her choice gracefully but wanted to ask why I was not chose. Then except it with peace in your heart and move forward.
Good Luck and God Bless.

I would not let this get in the way of the relationship that you have with your sister. I am sure that you are not being intentionally overlooked. Even if you were to go to her and express your feelings she would probably be surprised and it would cause her to be stressed out even more. I would just be happy for her that she was able to find another mate that will hopefully treat her with the respect and dignity she deserves. Try to remember that this is her day and what it was like when you were planning your wedding. There's a lot going on in her life and I can guarantee that she would never want to hurt your feelings. One of her friends may get the title of "Maid of Honor", but you get the bigger one of her sister for life.

I have five sisters and if I were to get that concerned about things I would be in the dumps all the time. As a family we are supposed to help one another, getting over a divorce, or getting married. You will feel better just to let it go. I would not confront her, that would make it seem as though she owes you this and she doesn't. Just love her, be there for her,accept her the way she is, and be thankful you have a sister. I am a sensitive soul too, I know what you are saying, but confronting her will hurt you both. Some sisters just don't know that they are insensitive. V.N., hutchinson

H.,

This is a tough issue, and I am just like you..I take everything to heart. I lost my best friend since the sixth grade over a similar issue. Not only was she my maid of honor, but she was choosen over all my relatives and sisters (4 total sisters). My situation is a bit different though-not only was I not choosen as the Matron of Honor for her wedding or the braidsmaid, I completely was not invited at all. That was a bigger slap on the face. To make matters worse-I tried to be the bigger person and let it go-but it used to hurt me so much that I could no longer stand to be around her. even though we live thousands of miles away-I think that I deserved at least an invite. so like you I took it to heart.

In your situation, I think you should be honored to be in the wedding party. She may have also decided that since you were the matron of honor the last time, maybe she would allow someone else that honor this time around. On the bright side-you are still in the wedding. I know it hurts but remember she is your sister, respepct her decision and know that you are still a big part of her day.

H., as a fellow sensitive soul, i know exactly how you feel. it's not being petty, it's natural that you'd hope to be asked to be matron of honor. and it sounds like this time around you probably won't be asked, again. if it was me, yes, i'd be hurt, but i wouldn't say anything. maybe it's because you're her sister and she assumes she doesn't have to "reward" you for being a good friend to her, or maybe she's taking you for granted a bit...it's probably better that you never know. another possibility is that it just doesn't mean to her what it means to you. don't feel bad, you'll always be her sister and i'm sure she loves you. i know it's hard, but i don't think it'd be worth it to start anything with her. if you feel you must, just be very gentle and non-judgemental about it. her answer might surprise you (like, "with the kids i just figured you wouldn't have time" or "honey, i honestly didn't think you'd be interested!"- those are answers i've gotten in similar situations) if you decide to say something, just be honest and let her know it hurt your feelings, but don't make it a deal-breaker if she doesn't relent. you know what i mean? there's no reason to lose her friendship over it. good luck!

Good Morning H., Feelings are important we all have them. Sometimes those feelings stay with us for years. They can hamper our joy. One thing I would suggest is asking your sister to describe your position as Brides Matron not maid.

Sisters are sisters for life, friends come and go.
You can ask your sister what your role will be. You might ask if you are to be Matron of Honor in this ceremony or will your role be Brides Matron. It's a hard situation H. since you were hurt before and have carried this hurt for a long time. Your sister having you as her Matron of Honor in her first wedding but allowing another to hold her rings was her way of having both of you to have an important role in her wedding.

So i think my honest heartfelt advice would be to let the past go and move on in any capacity you are able to help her with. Enjoy the time with your sister and enjoy the wedding.

God Bless you
K.

Keep in mind that a bridal party position is not earned, it is chosen...and there are a lot of factors involved in this choice. (If it were strictly on merit, it sounds like you would have no contest!!!!) She may be considering the effort and expense of a friend traveling from out of state. She may have "agreements" from the past to uphold. Maybe she doesn't want to commit you to the extra time and effort again. You did already hold that position once before. She could just know that you two are close enough that you will understand.

I'm only trying to say...try not to read into it. The day is truly about what is best for the bride! (Oh, and I guess the groom, too...ha, ha!) Surely you already know how much she cares about you...just enjoy the wedding without so much work!

Hi H.,

I look at it very simply you have the better end of the deal. And why do I say this: Here is the reason
Other people will get the title of matron of honor, maid of honor, bridesmaid, flower girl, ring bear, groomsmen, best man, and the title you have and always will be is "SISTER".
There is no one on this earth that can take that tittle away from you. A friend may stay and a friend may go but Family, never will. You are more then a bridesmaid to her, you are her sister.
So I say let it go, life is to short to piss and moan over a title that is for one day. And if she eloped or did it at the court house there wouldn't be any titles anyway. You have to look at the bigger picture....you supported your sister in her time of need. You were there for her whether you agreed with her decision or not. Be thankful for the things you have. I know when you find out who gets to hold the ring and all that other stuff, but just take it with a grain of salt. It's a silly title for one day that means very little in the circle of your life, W.

P.S., when my sister got married 2 yrs ago, she didn't have me in her wedding she had all her friends in her wedding. But you know what she did do she allowed 2 of my then 3 kids to be in her wedding, her husbands side of the family had kids that could've been in there but no she choose mine. That was more of an honor to me then if I would've been up there next to her. She allowed my kids to shine with her daughter on her wedding day, I couldn't be more greatful for that gesture. Whether she ment it that way or not, that's how it felt to me.

Good Morning H..

This is a tough situation to be in as I too am a sensitive soul and take much to heart. Upon the many ups and downs over life I have learned that MANY things are NOT meant to hurt us, they just do because we let them. I learned I needed to stop rationalizing everything and start enjoying the situation.

If your sister and you are close then she never meant to hurt you during the first wedding and I'm sure would never try now. She most likely is caught up in the moment and wants to include EVERYONE, hence the shuffling of duties to friends and family in the ceremony. When a person is busy with emotions and an important gathering then they are not always thinking of how others receive their requests. In other words, she could be totally clueless to your feelings.

Try not just being the "nice person" but the "older, wiser" sister. Be joyful in her wedding preparations, be a shoulder for emotional support, be arms strong enough for the weight of her problems and be a loving sister to her excitement. Go to God for guidance and he shall lift you up on eagles wings.

Remember that your emotions are not petty but letting your emotions override hers is. Maybe think about letting it go for now and in the future sit down for a one-on-one over some tea and have a nice laugh. I'm sure she will agree that your feelings are important but that she appreciated you not pressuring her at such an important juncture of her life.

Remember, you and your feelings ARE valid. But your sister and her wedding IS the most important thing to HER right now.

Lilly ; )

I understand how you feel, and if it's eating you up, you should have a sit down talk with your sister - not to change her mind but to let her know how you feel, and understand why she made her choices. Chances are, she had a myraid of reasons and is trying to please as many people as possible in the best way she can. Sometimes, depending on where you are in life, a friend is closer than a sister, or the friend recentely did something that was very meaningful in her life. It's hard to be a bride because the people who love you feel they deserve a certain place. While they may all share a big place in the bride's heart, there is no way to match that up with positions in a wedding without someone feeling slighted.

For my wedding, neither of my sisters were bridesmaids because they lived so far away. It would just not be fair to them. I wasn't in their weddings either. There were no hard feeling about that - as far as I know! I had a small wedding with just a matron of honor, and this person was someone I had been friends with for just a few years. I got the feeling that my college roommate, who was also a roommate after college, up until I got married, may have felt like she should have had that place. But Karen, my maid of honor was the one who helped me thoughtout the relationship, I had become godmother to her child, and we were close on a level my roommate and I were not. (Besides my roommate told me I was making a mistake and it wouldn't work out. Guess she was right, I'm separated now!)

This was my first marriage and my husband's second. His best friend since 8th grade was the Best Man in his first wedding. When we announced our engagement, his friend quipped, well I guess I'll be Best Man again! My fiance said he was going to have another friend be his best man. His friend said, ok, cool, but my fiance knew he was upset. The reason for his choice was he had become very close to another friend, and we worked with this guy and hung out a lot together. But, my fiance, after realizing that his true best friend, who was like a brother, was upset, changed his mind and had him be the best man. So, hey - if guys can work it out, maybe you and your sister can too!

Hi H.. I have three sisters. My youngest two plan on having their best friends as matron of honor, and my oldest had her best friend as matron of honor. I actually wanted to completely avoid hurting anyone's feelings, so I got hitched in the courthouse with my parents, his parents, and siblings.

If I had a big wedding though, I wanted my best friend as matron of honor. However, I have other friends that expected it, even though they know I am closer to my best friend, and I also didn't want to leave my sisters out... so I just avoided it all.

It really wouldn't have been fair for me to pick one favorite girl, because my other friends have told me they want me as their matrons of honor..... so how could I not return the favor??

Small weddings are so much easier, less stressful, cheaper, and I enjoyed it. Then we followed it with a huge reception and after party so everyone could celebrate! We also played the recorded courthouse wedding for everyone at the reception so they didn't miss out on the "I do's" and the ring exchange :)

I had one very close friend get married last year, and she was miserable planning her HUGE wedding. It was depressing her (not because she didn't want to get married... but because of all the expectations from parents, siblings, friends...) My way was a much happier route to get married :)

I suggest letting it go, and supporting her whoever she picks. Don't be jealous :-P It's a very stressful hard decision.

Oh, You poor thing! Bless your heart. I totally understand, I'm sensative too. You can't help but feel what you feel. After a while you might have a hard time keeping it all in and if that happens, then all 'heck' will break loose and you'll regret your reaction and you words.

You can ignore it again or you can say something. IF you decided to say something - how it's taken is 'All In The Delivery'. So you will have to be prepared with what you are going to say. First of all, put yourself in her shoes and decide how YOU would want to be presented with this issue. Second, don't want to make her 'defensive' or blame her for anything because really, she's done nothing wrong. You can tell her that it's your fault that you have these feelings and that she's done nothing wrong, and you wish you didn't feel heartbroken but you do and you don't know how to handle it. Since you were Matron of Honor at her first wedding, there are two ways to look at this. One, she wants this wedding (marriage) to work this time so nothing will be the same as the last wedding. Two, she has a very close friend whom she wanted to make Matron of Honor last wedding, as well as you, and she could only pick one and so she had her hold the ring. Maybe this time she is switching the positions. It's hard to say why. If you talk to her about it, just watch how you present it, so she won't get defensive. Also, you need to be prepared to know WHY she is doing what she is doing. She could tell you that she is closer to her friend than you and you can't be mad at her for that - she can't help it. I have two sisters and I understand being 'second' at times. Good Luck and God Bless. I hope I helped and didn't confuse you.
C.

I thought that if you're married, then you're not a bridesmaid, but a Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor. You can have more than one, just like you have more than one bridesmaids.
I think what is expected should be addressed; is she just giving you a position because you're a sister, but she's using a closer friend to be her true Matron? Life is too short, I'd say be open and honest with your sis without being judgemental or accusatory.
My sis was upset when I chose my best friend to be my Maid of Honor, and I ended up switching them and making my little sis (6yr diff) to be my Maid. That was over 19 years ago, and if I had it to do over, I'd make her a bridesmaid and my best best friend to stand next to me as my maid. It is a touchy scenario, but communication is the key. And you be the bigger sis and don't go there, but if you know your feelings are hurt, she doesn't know it, so you have to let her know.

H.--I just got married for the second time (on Saturday it will be 2 weeks!)this is how I resolved the problem of who would be what at my wedding; we had no matron of honor and brides maids, no best man or groomsmen; everyone who was up front during our wedding was an "Honor Attendant" for both the bride and the groom. As far as rings, I gave the rings for my husband to the last one in the line-up of female honor attendants. Then, she passed the rings up the line of 4 attendants so that each one had a chance to hold/touch the rings as they were handed up the line to the Pastor. Further, since I had many friends, which made it hard to choose just 4 honor attendants, I also had a "March of the Sisterhood" where all of my female friends who wanted to could process in (in pairs, holding a single flower) in the middle of my honor attendants (between honor attendant 2 and honor attendant 3). They were also given special seating on the left front side of the sanctuary (a ring-side seat!); about 35 of my friends elected to do this. In all, this gave many people the opportunity to be a part of my wedding, it gave the wedding a different "twist" and made for a beautiful ceremony hwere we were definitely surrounded by friends!
Sorry about the delay in my response, but I just came back from our honeymoon! J.

I'd be hurt, but suck it up. Its her day, not yours. She is to make all the decisions and you are just supposed to be there to be supportive, that's your job. If she is young, maybe she hasn't yet learned to appreciate all the great things you have done for her. She'll learn to appreciate them more in time as she gets life experiences and realizes the extent of all you have actually done for her and what a sacrifice they really were.

....... " just suck it up, quit being so petty, and continue to be a nice person. "
YES ! That is exactly what you do. And you do it BECAUSE you are such a nice person. You are sensitive, so you must know that she is probably trying to juggle the feelings of not only you, but her friends who may also feel they should play a major role. She doesn't want to offend anyone, but she knows and trusts that you, being her loving and sensitive sister, will understand and still love her after all is said and done. Friends are not always so understanding.

My sister was my one and only bridesmaid/maid of honor. (I had a small wedding) Since then, she has been married three times. Each was with a justice of the peace. Neither I, nor any of our other siblings were even invited to any of her weddings. One of them, she had HIS sister stand up for her, but none of us were invited.
Was I angry and hurt ? OF COURSE ! But you pick your battles when it comes to family. She is who she is, she is not going to change who she is, and it is better to say "Oh well, that's just how she is", than to rock the family over it. It's her day, she can do as she pleases, for whatever her reasons are.

My daughter is getting married in August and asked her younger by 3 yr. sister to be her brides maid... best of all Lori(25) can have more say in how things are done because Leah(22) will see to it that sis is happy and I cant see how an out of state person could pull everything off very well? Please be honest with your sister and tell her how you feel, husbands may come and go but sisters are forever! Good luck honey and God Bless both of you.... M. S.

I had a similar situation about 2 years ago, one of my good friends that I've known for 10 years got married and I wasn't even invited. It was suppose to be a family only wedding but my daughter who is her daughters half sister was in the wedding (her Mom didn't like me at the time-long story). But there was a friend of her Mom's that she had only known for 6 months that was invited and took it upon herself to be the wedding coordinator. I too have an overly sensitive soul and don't like to hurt people's feelings, I was extremely hurt. I did get the chance to say something and that made me feel a little better but honestly I still haven't gotten over it and don't know if I ever will. My advice would be to say how you feel because keeping it in only makes it worse and causes other problems like resentment for one. Good luck!

My best friend since 4th grade has an older sister that felt she should be the matron of honor and told her so. She wanted a girlfriend to be her matron of honor. She had two best friends myself and another friend from the town she lived in before moving in 4th grade. She was torn because of her sister and two best friends. I told her to ask her best friend from the old town because as long as I was asked to be in the wedding I felt honored. When I spoke to her sister and she realized how torn she was feeling she decided to do the same as I had done. All of us were there for the important and fun things, dress shopping, bridal showers and such things. I think it is awesome that you and your husband are so supportive. I am sure that she appreciates every thing that you have done for her. Just remember that sisters are forever and sometimes the friends that you ask to stand up with you during the wedding are not there 5 years down the road. (When I remarried the friend that I was closest to did the guest book, by her choice because she wanted to help.)

I know that you have had a lot of advice already, but my opinion is, you should think for a minute about your sister. It may have been hard decision for her to decide who will do what in her wedding. The only reason my sister was my Matron of honor was because my best friend couldn't make it to my wedding. I was my best friends Matron of honor and her sister was a bridesmaid.
And this is her second wedding.

If you were her matron of honor the first time then maybe it is someone else's turn you know. I had a similar situation with a friend and was hurt so I know what you mean, but this is a happy time for your sister and I guess that you should just be happy that you were asked to stand up with her whatever your title may be. I would not tell her your feelings, it might cause other problems.

That is my opinion!

Good luck!
S.

H.,
I am married for the first time to a great guy. I am his second wife. He wanted his best friend to be the best man but did not ask him because he was the best man in his first wedding. So, he asked another person to be his best man. Alot of people are superstitious about reasons why marriages don't work. Just suck it up and support her...but do it from a distance because if you get too close you will likely blow your top.

I would decide what do I want the outcome of this to be and go from there. Has your sister slighted you in other ways or is this the only time? How will you feel about yourself if you do talk to her or if you don't. Only you can decide.

Don't dismiss your feelings, they are your and they are valid, but you might want to sit down and really deicde if your are overreacting or not, and then deal with it.

Sounds to me like some of it could be you are big sister and i just think younger sisters love and look up to their big sisses. Hold them in high regard.

I'd bet just about anything that this was not on perpure, I imagine she doesn't have a clue.

My second marriage I didnt' have a maid or matron of honor. It was a ceremony in front of our Immediate family(parents,siblings, kids, grandparents), I had invited my friend, since I don't have a sister,and she witnessed for me, but we didn't do the whole schlameel again.
She wasn't offended. She was glad to be there for it and to help us celebrate.

I just don't think your sister knows you are upset over this. Youre her sister. Sometimes a close relationship is taken for granted in a way, because she loves you and doesn't think that this is a problem between you.
I would advise to enjoy your sisters happiness, and maybe at a later time tell her that initially it hurt your feelings that your weren't asked. Or not. It's up to you really. If being Matron of Honor is the way you sister "proves" that she loves you, maybe you need to examine why you feel that you need that from her.