Six-Year-Old Girl & Lying

N.:

You handled it right. This is totally age appropriate...it sucks..I know..but it happens. Not all kids go through this, but many do.

My daughter did, my oldest son did but my youngest did not. For my daughter it was longer as she tested her boundaries and the rules more so than other kids..my oldest son - it was nipped in the bud fast because he was also in Tae Kwon Do and not only would he get in trouble with me - but the Master's as well.

The only way to get it to stop is to continue what you are doing. Reinforce that lying is wrong. Removing the object she lied over (she should NOT get the cubes that you bought her - she should earn those back by not lying and doing good things).

Hope this helps! I think you are on the right track...don't back down.

I think it's an age thing. Sounds like you are doing the right thing, just keep on and DON'T give her those cubes you bought her!!!!

I don't think this is very abnormal in any way. Not that it makes it OK, of course. I'm with you!! I think you handled the cube thing very well. Can you take her in to talk to her counselor? Not, because I think there is something wrong with her!! Rather, the counselor might seem more "official." The counselor can talk to her about stealing, why it's bad, how it hurts everyone around, etc. I really think sometimes hearing it from someone else, can really hit home. Or, her teacher could talk to her about it. Other then that, I have no idea...sorry! I hope this gets resolved soon!

Oh, and if I were you...I'd take those other cubes away forever.

I'm pretty sure many others will disagree with me but when it comes to this type of lying I just don't think it's that big of a deal.
Kids lie, for the most part, to 1) avoid getting in trouble and 2) avoid disappointing the people they want to please. I imagine she didn't return the cubes to her teacher because she was embarrassed and/or ashamed of taking them in the first place, and she didn't tell you the truth about returning them because she knew YOU would be disappointed.
I think a child will lie not because they are bad, but because it's a matter of odds. If they tell the truth they KNOW they will be in trouble. Even if a parent says "you will be in less trouble if you tell me the truth" they are more likely to take their chances, you know?
So I'm not sure what my advice is, other than not placing your own adult values of absolute honesty onto a young child. I think creating an environment where honesty is valued and praised is more important than putting too much emphasis on punishment for the occasional lie. Does that make sense?

Hah! My son is 6 and his classroom has those same cube things - and yes, we had a problem with him stealing them in the fall. I made him write an apology note and hand it/the cubes to the teacher. So far, no more of them have come home. If I were you, i'd contact your daughter's teacher and ask for her advice. Maybe if you work together you can make an impression on Natalie.

Hmm...
Kids go through this. It doesn't mean she is going to grow up to be a psychopath.
In hindsight, yes, going with her to return the items to the teacher (in private off to the side, not with the other kids privy to what was going on) would have been the way to do it. But what is done is done.
What I would probably do at this point, is go with her to the teacher (again, in private, not where other students can hear/see what is going on) and make her return the blocks to the teacher. Then, in front of your daughter, I would tell the teacher that you had bought some for your daughter to have at home, but since she was dishonest about returning them, you have decided to donate them to the classroom.

Then, after you leave/get in the car, you can tell your daughter that if she is honest about things in the future and works hard to regain your trust, that you will consider getting her a set of blocks at that time. But she must regain your trust first.
Trust is extremely valuable, but free. But once you lose it, it is very difficult to get it back. You daughter needs to understand this, and unfortunately, at 6, it is a difficult concept.

Hang in there.

The only thing I would have done differently is that I would have gone to the teacher with her and made her return the cubes and apologize in front of me. I don't think I would have trusted any 6 year old to follow through on returning stolen items on their own.

I think you've done everything right, and it will stop...as far as the stealing goes.

She lied to you so she wouldn't get in trouble, and she didn't take the cubes back for the same reason...she figured she would get in trouble by her teacher. My only suggestion is that you should've accompanied her to return them.

If you are a Christian family, I recommend looking in your concordance for verses on lying, and read to her why God doesn't want us lie. We started that from the beginning, and so far, I have yet to catch my oldest in a lie. She's 8. I know someday I will...but for now, so far, we're okay. (Probably because some of the verses are pretty intense...but you know what? That's okay.)

Honestly, I think you're doing every single thing right. You sound like a fantastic mom. This is just like any other developmental thing -- you have to react consistently, for a while, before the right behavior catches on. Just stay consistent, and be sure to praise moments of truthfulness to the skies. She may need a positive counter-incentive in additional the (appropriate) negative incentives you're applying.

I think that it is a phase that most all kids go through.

When my daughter was younger I'd find things in her purse from other people's houses. Things she picked up and "wanted" and just took them. She was about 6 at the time, and we talked about stealing etc. but it never seemed to get through to her! I always made her take the things back and apologize, but the thing is when she did the person always said "Oh, that's okay." It's nice they were being gracious to a 6-year old, but it made it seem like it was no big deal.

Finally we sat down with a bunch of dolls and we talked about property and ownership. We gave the dolls things and then I demonstrated different scenarios where another doll would steal (many of the scenarios similar to the ones she had been in). I had her re-enact the scenarios both as the owner and the stealer. We talked about how things, no matter how small, could be precious to another person. We talked about how she would feel if someone stole from her. I made the lesson light and fun, and she talked about it for many years (if we ever saw a TV show where someone stole something, she'd bring up why it was wrong! Good girl!)

I'm happy to say that she never stole or "borrowed" anything again. I think when kids are young they don't quite understand the full picture on why it's wrong.

It sounds like you're doing the right things, and I'm sure she didn't take the cubes back because she was embarrassed or didn't know how. She's kind of young to do something like that on her own. Another thing you can do is drill her on how to take the cubes back. Pretend to be the teacher and help her figure out what to say.

Good luck! I think your little girl is very normal, and you're a great mom!

We have made a specific punishment for lying. It doesn't matter what punishment they get for their bad behavior, if they lie that punishment is added on (the punishment has evolved throughout the years). There have even been times I've had to punish the lie but what they lied about wasn't even something wrong, and I make sure they understand that. We haven't completely lost the lying, but it is now a rare occurrence.

Hi N.,

I don't condone lying, but if you look up child development and six year olds, its fantasy. This isn't a problem, its a phase. I think you did exactly right, but I will say that fantasy and lying **at this age** is appropriate and even healthy. Gently guide her, just as you did, but some of this isn't a problem. Also, the "stealing" can very well be taking ownership of her classroom and things in it. Even more positive, it could be taking a piece of school with her. Again, gentle guidance will be effective. If she is developing normally in all other ways, it sounds like these are all positive signs.

i think you did ok, following up with the teacher would ahve been better,

My son never did this but mydd had occasional episodes of lying around this age, and like you we talked about it, natural consequences etc etc. for the most part it has stopped but
man is it NOT fun to not trust your kid. especially a relaively "good" kid.

This is common for her age. My son went through this and it drove me crazy. One day he just stopped. Your daughter will, too. Just be consistent in how you handle it. I wanted to add that faced with giving a teacher back the cubes and face getting in trouble at school, I would have hidden the cubes and lied about it at her age, too. That's a lot to ask of a six year old. Good luck!!

I still have young ones that lie, so I don't know how to help on that one. But the stealing, if it happens again, I would put her in the car and take a trip to the police station. Let her see where people who steal go. For the lying, i do explain that it hurts my heart, Nd i can not rust them again. it has not stopped yet though. my oldest is 7.5. Good luck.

I agree with the others, and think you handled it well. :)

When my youngest was 6 he went through this phase, and he was a terrible liar. I couldn't figure out why he kept lying when he was so bad at it! Anyway, we were consistent, and kept reinforcing the importance of being honest. Now he is almost 9 (birthday in 2 weeks), and he hasn't been caught in a lie in a couple of years. Yay!

Hang in there! It does get better.

I hope you put the set you bought up so she is not being rewarded. I also hope you go with her and make her apologize to the teacher when she returns them and support whatever punishment the teacher deems appropriate. This is a hard on you have to stay on top of - zero tolerance. And that may not work, sadly but you must have it firmly established that it will not be toleratored before she hits the tween and teen years.

Good luck!

We nipped that right away. We made it so that when they did something bad, but told us the truth, they were punished but not as severely. If the proceeded to lie about what the did, then with each lie the punishment got worse. For instance getting into something they are not supposed to, you tell me the truth right away and they get a talking to, but lie about it and they get things taken away, write letters of apology, clean area of house, etc. Most of the time now, (kids are 12 & 8) my kids tell the truth.

My son is in 1st grade. They have those cube things too.
Most classes have that.
And sure, some kids may take it.
What my son's Teacher does, if the scenario involves "stealing" and "lying"... the Teacher, makes a pointed discussion with the kids. About it.
And, she is blunt and articulate in her speech to them.
It also means, that all the money that the Teacher spends on her classroom FOR her students, gets, "stolen" too.
Another point is: it is NOT kind nor nice not fair, to the other kids. Because, that child is taking.... classroom materials, etc.
And my son's Teacher, talks directly to the student who did it too. And it may involve, doing it in front of the other kids (without singling out the child) in a "kind" but direct manner. Or it may be done privately, between the Teacher and child. Depending on the personality of the child, and what will hit home, the best.

I would have, with my kid, went to the Teacher and have my child, give it back/apologize to the Teacher, and take whatever consequence the Teacher decides. And your child needs to TELL the Teacher, that she took it when she was not looking.
The Teacher, needs to know, this.

Your talking to your child about this, is not working.
She still does it and keeps doing it.
For some kids, being found out, by the other kids and the Teacher, will nip it. Because then, she is not doing it in a vacuum. Still in "secret."

Then, she is not the first one to take these cubes home.
The Teacher knows that.
Still, it is not nice nor honest.
And if every kid took things home from the classroom, the Teacher is the one that is suffering for it, too.
Tell your daughter, it affects her Teacher.
The Teacher works hard... to buy and provide things for her classroom and for the students. There needs to be respect, for that.

And instead of teaching her the right/wrong of it... you ALSO need to teach her, that things like this affects... others, too.
It is not just her, doing something for herself.
It affects, others.
And that, is not nice. To say the least.

My son's Teacher, will tell the child, that she is very "disappointed" in him/her. And that it makes her sad. And that, it affects her classroom and the other kids. Now, they don't have what they need. Now, things are missing etc. And the child needs to learn... that things like this, affects... others. In a very disappointing, way.
It is not just about trust. But more than that.

I sure wish I knew the magical answer.
My niece is 39 and STILL lies.
And everyone knows it.
No one knows what to believe and what not to believe with her.

~Sad but true........