So Many Problems with My Son's Biological Father

I am very sorry that you are having a hard time. I have not been through your situation, but I have been through losing my Aunt, Uncle, and baby Cousin from a drunk driver. They were all killed instantly and needed to be identified with dental records because of how bad the car accident was. The last thing you want is for your ex-husband to get in a fatal car accident while your son is in the car with him. I know it may be hard to see now, but he may respect you more when he gets older. I was young at one time. My parents had rules and consequences for my actions. When I was growing up I did not like it and thought it was dumb. Now that I am an adult, I am very grateful for the rules that they had. My friends that did not have as many rules or consequences had a much different outcome than mine. Their outcome was not as nice as mine. I know you are concerned that your son will get depressed if he does not see his dad, but you need to be careful of what he is showing your son and doing to your son. If he beat you, what’s to say that he would not beat up his son? Also, he may be teaching him that it is ok to beat up on people and not to respect them. I would also make sure that he feels included with having a new baby in the house and another sister. Make sure there are no favorites. Do things as a family. I am not sure what to tell you about when to tell him how your ex treated you. When you do make that decision, you can show him the police report or pictures if you took them when you were assaulted. I know it is hard, but sometimes you need to break that bond from a family member if it is going to save someone's life. You do not want him thinking he can blow up everything and hurt people. I hope this helps.

If you change the visitation make it for a only a few hours a week, with no overnights. This way you can see how your son is when he leaves and when he comes back.

I also think you do need to speak with your son about his father and your past with him. Maybe do this with the therapist there, so she can guide the conversation and allow your son to feel free to say what he wants and ask you any questions he may have.

Remember, your son loves his father as much as he loves you. He will always defend his father to you.. and he will defend you to his father..

He will have a hard time giving up his father on any level, because of his love and loyalty.

Work with the therapist to figure out when will be a good time for this discussion. I think it should be before summer.

He's 12 and old enough to have a discussion with. It's not like he's 5. He's 12 and just sit him down, tell him what your concerns are and what you'd like to do and why, but wanted his input to see how he feels. This needs to be a democracy (to a certain extent) instead of a dictatorship, otherwise, at this age, he WILL end up resenting you.

We always bring responsibility back to examples....not that there is ANYTHING bad about working at a burger joint, but we tell him, that his life will not be like it is now. We go through the math of how much he might make without an education, then paying for rent, car insurance, car payments, food, etc - forget healthcare and vacations, since those he will not be able to afford. Our son promptly gets back to his homework.

Can you get your son to work for you and earn some money? My oldest (9) files at my office, takes the trash and recycle out and does anything else we ask. We give him $1/trash can and yesterday, he asked for his brother's help, who said yes without knowing money was involved and then our oldest offered to split the money to get it done faster.

Family therapy - your son is old enough to understand what's really going on, and has been for a couple of years. He needs to be a part of all of this decision making to some extent. He WILL be depressed, and you will have to deal with that. He may also be RELIEVED because the atmosphere there is very unhealthy. Of course at 12 he wants to be like bio-dad - cause bio-dad ACTS like he's 12 also. Your son is probably depressed, confused, AND he's going through puberty. Please get help and work through this together as a family. He needs to know he's loved and respected. Keep modeling the behavior you want from him and with him. It will sink in.

I fear I will be in your shoes in 10 years. Can you request supervised visitation. I live in NJ and am currently filing a motion sans lawyer to limit visitation. You certainly have enough evidence to request supervised visitation.

I would go to family counseling and talk with your ex if you can.

I think that whatever changes you make to the visitation, no matter how necessary you feel they may be, you should do legally. Otherwise YOU can be found in contempt for not allowing the visitation.

If your son is in trouble, regardless of his father, he should be in counseling. His pediatrician can give you references.

Bear in mind that many kids want what they can't have. It's hard to understand that your own parent isn't a good person. Many kids struggle with this.

Definitely ask the therapist to find the best way to explain that his father is having some trouble making good decisions. He is 12, he understands danger, but he has a hard time linking his dad to actions which could be dangerous or neglectful for him. No child can easily accept that his parent is purposely damaging him, the denial kicks in and makes it difficult for the child to realize what really is the situation. That's why they say to not bad-mouth the other parent, it would be too painful for the child to "hear" his dad/mom is doing things bad for him. If he understands that even adults have trouble and make not-so-good decisions it may be easier for him to look at his father like he's not perfect and, while it's still perfectly ok to love him, still it's important to be aware of certain negative aspects related to him. I think he needs to be explained by a third party why some changes in the visitation schedule are necessary and to be reassured that his father is doing everything possible to get back in track and make for his son a stable, loving, emotionally healthy environment (his home).Keep protecting your child, he will understand and thank you for it one day.

I would not be as concerned about depression as other issues. It sounds like he is not depressed or mildly if at all. It does sound like he is developing other issues. I would ask for supervised visitation with his bio-dad. As he grows up and becomes a man he will come to realize you do what you do out of love and his bio-dad does what he does out of selfishness. Right now at 12 it doesn't seem that way. He looks at you guys as the disciplinarians. And 12 year olds don't like rules and discipline. His bio-dad is allowing anything and that seems okay to him, but as you can see from the papers it is having an effect on him. If he is playing with fire at his Dad's house and writing about that sounds like a cry for help. Your son may not see it that way, but it is. He is doing these things and then instead of keeping it completely a secret he is writing about it because that feels safe to him, safer than coming to you about it. Often it is easier for kids to speak with someone outside the family. So t is good he is in counseling, but I think the counselor should be focusing on these issues. Asking your son lots of questions and getting him engaged with the counselor so he is more comfortable talking to him. Not sure if the counselor is male or female but that doesn't matter too much. What matters is that your son connect with the counselor so he can open up, weather through writing or drawing or games if talking is not for him. A good counselor will find your sons interests and build on that. If this counselor is not working out, change and bring all these concerns into counseling as well as take copies of the papers your son wrote(you can request a copy form the school). As far as visiting his bio-dad, start requesting the supervised visits now. It sounds like bio-dad is not really visiting with his son anyway. So this will force him to actually visit with his son. If he doesn't want to do that, well that is on him. And he will resist it because it sounds like he really doesn't want to visit with his son, he just wants him there to say he has him, but is not being a real parent. Based on the history of why you separated, and what your son has reported goes on there it should be easy to get supervised visits. Please be an advocate for your son. Do whatever you need to. And you do not have to tell your son about what his father did. You are right you should not bad mouth the other parent, but when the time is right it can be discussed in counseling with his counselor. I hope you can get things changed now before it hurts your boy anymore. Good luck!

Sounds like your son probably already knows what kind of person his father is. A drinking, uninterested dad. Doe you want to add the pot to the equation right now? Why? Because he is showing signs of liking life with dad more right now?
He will see, as he ages, the real man his father is. He has a right to be with his father, and as long as his father isn't doing anything illegal, he has a right to his son. You really don't get to dictate the rules at your ex's house.

You know, I feel for you and I can't imaging being in your situation, but (forgive me) it DOES sound a little like "Yay! US!" and "BOO! HIM!" doesn't it?

Careful not to get caught up with the "perfect family" mindset of good jobs, education, etc. You might end up losing this son to a feeling of "not fitting in" with the rest of you. And, like it or not, your ex is someone with whom you created a child.....and this child is part of both families.

Sounds like your son needs a new/better therapist and you need to have a heart-to-heart with your ex about his involvement, or lack of involvement. Hopefully, you have a civil relationship for the benefit of the child you still share in common.

Left to his own devices, my son would "game" until the eyeballs rolled out of his head. But he's not allowed to do that.

Have rules, have consequences. Be consistent.