So Stressed... My 19 Month Old Is Not Listening to Me at All... Help!

Stop getting mad!!!!!!!!!! He's only a year and a half old!!!! There is nothing more to say. Relax.

K.,
This is totally normal at this age. A few tips that helped me: use as few words as possible. Kids that age just won't listen to more than a few words. Don't bother with explanations or reasoning. It just won't work. Also, children seem to listen better sometimes when you whisper (like a stage whisper so that your child can actually hear you). There is just something intriguing about whispering. In terms of feeling frustrated, I definitely understand. Try to remember that your child is not willfully misbehaving at this age. Your child is supposed to test boundaries and explore; it's part of normal development, and I would be worried if your child were not doing this. Also, the more strongly you react to your child's behavior, the bigger incentive your child has to repeat it. Even negative attention is attention and kids crave attention. Maybe keeping in mind that your child is more likely to repeat a behavior if you show your frustration will help you keep it in check. If not, make sure your child is somewhere safe, and lock yourself in another room for a minute and practice deep breathing -- it helps more than you might think! Finally, I think most would consider me a very strict mom, but in terms of time outs, I believe in the one minute per year-old rule, i.e., a two year-old would get two minute time outs while a three year-old would get three minute time-outs.

You have gotten so many great responses! I'd like to add to the group by offering the thought of a time-out is more like a break from the moment. Choose your battles of course, but sometimes a time-out is just what a toddler needs. My son just turned 2 and his verbal skills are still developing so when he gets frustrated, I always try to identify it before it gets out of control and if redirecting doesn't work right away, I say, "Let's take a break from this." I use a bath rug by the front door away from toys, etc. He lays down and slowly calms down while I have the timer set to 2 minutes. We started this when he was 18 months and the most important aspect of it is when the timer beeps I go to him and ALWAYS tell him I love him. He is now at the stage where he stands up and gives me a huge grin and hug. I agree with everyone else, long drawn out explanations are pointless. You can communicate effectively with very few words. I don't need to use time-outs everyday, but again I agree with the others to pick your battles and always follow up with hugs, kisses, and I love yous. I look at it like I have to figure out ways to play the game of the challenge phase of toddlerhood by guiding my son in the direction he needs to go. It takes time, but once you figure out something that works and you are consistent, it makes a world of difference. I've also used the suggestins in Happiest Toddler book by Harvey Karp book and find they are great too. Take Care and Breath, M.

The battle for control begins... I think what's important at this stage is giving your son the illusion of control by giving him lots of choices you can live with throughout the day. INstead of you telling him what to do (sit down and eat, clean up your toys, lie down so I can change you) he gets to decide how things proceed and he'll be much more compliant. Just make sure that the choices are things you can live with and still fit in to what you want to have happen...
Do you want to wear the blue pants or the tan ones?
Do you want to put on your sock first or your shirt?
Clean up the blocks or the balls?

Take lots of deep breaths and remember that he is gaining lots of new skills that he needs to use, it's all good as long as you can work with where he is.

i know this response is a couple days late, sorry. i am a middle school teacher, so i'm a 'professional' on behavior management. :-)

the first thing i would look at is food. are you feeding him foods with sugar, processed foods, breads (which the body turns into sugar)? good take along snacks can be tough, but it's doable. cut up apples or other fruits, dried fruit, raw cheese, rice crackers (wheat is an 'unstable' grain), rice cakes, etc. for example, cheerios and wheat crackers are truly not good for children to snack on. if you want to read about how sugars and processed foods affect physical and mental health as well as behavior, check out Wise Tradition on-line journal for the Weston A Price Foundation

secondly, check your reaction to your DS. so often what my 21 month old son is doing kinda makes me wanna get mad, but really, it's not that big of a deal and if i get mad about it, he'll do it more. so i stop the feeling, reverse, and respond to him with humor or matter of factly correct him and ALWAYS give a reason for why they can't do things. ALWAYS, otherwise you are not teaching them, you're just correcting them and they're not learning and they'll do it again.

do what you say you are going to do. follow through, be firm, be consistent. if you said no, it's no. sorry, cry all you want. be solid in it and don't doubt yourself because they can sense doubt and will feed off of it. if you think about it and realize that they really can have what you said no to, then explain to him that you thought about it and decided it's not that big of a deal, he can have it. explain.

explain everything. they understand more than you think they do. by explaining you are showing them respect for their need to understand what is going on.

be consistent. don't tell them no to something one minute or day and then say yes another time. it is or it isn't. there's no negotiating here. for example, saying no to climbing on the table one day and then ignoring it or letting it go the next day. that's no good.

don't ignore behaviors in the hope they'll go away (like the climbing on something). it doesn't work.

redirect him to something specific it is okay for him to do. play with him for a second to get him started playing with that thing.

if you are going to ask him to do something and sense he's not going to do it as you are asking, immediately offer to help him do it. then they are 'listening' to you and you are able to just do what you want them to do without a fight (for example, putting something away). this is a great 'fake out' for doing what you told them to do. plus, if you are being a helper to them, they will be a helper to you.

give choices when you can.

hmmm.. what else. i read someone else said don't let them see you sweat. i couldn't agree more. game face!! when my DS is doing something naughty and he knows it, he totally watches me to see how i react. if i get frustrated, he does it again and again and again. if i stay calm and/or respond with humor, it's better.

know when to use your strict voice, and follow through. then, when you mean business, they will listen. (like when they're running in a parking lot or climbing on a table in a restaurant)

don't use a whiney or frustrated voice. don't make your statements sounds like questions by raising the tone of your voice at the end of each phrase.

sometimes don't ask, tell. 'i need you to.....' 'you will do ......' (in your all business voice)

another good phrase 'alright, i have asked you twice to not do that, if you do it again there will be a consequence.' if they do it again say 'i gave you a warning and you did not listen. you have chosen a consequence.' it's okay if you forget to give the warning, 'that's it, i asked you several times to not do that and you have continued to do it. you know that is inappropriate behavior. you need a consequence' ( in your all business voice)

i think this is good. i hope this helps~ i'm lucky to have been a teacher so that i've got these skills. one of the hardest things about teaching is learning behavior management, and parenting has the same learning curve. good for you for asking. have you checked out a book on positive reinforcement discipline? read and talk to other people as much as you can and you will figure it out. if you are overwhelmed with discipline, find a way to get some help with it because you don't want to wait until middle or high school to reach out for help, you will have lost so much precious time with the kiddo. this doesn't sound fun and parenting should be fun, you don't wanna miss out.

best of luck. hit me up if you'd like more help

great book - "Keeper of the Children" by Laura Ramirez. They don't listen at this age. The unconsciously and consciously make bad choices b/c they are experimenting and exploring their world. Lower your expectations and be patient. Patience and repetition. It will eventually sink in. Show by example. Kids "model" your behavior more than listening to what you "tell" them. Make sure your toddler is fed on regular intervals and is getting good sleep at the right times and for the right length for them. It will lessen the tantrums. My 21 month old hardly ever has a tantrum. I include him in my household chores (they take longer) but he's happy and learns "how" I like things done by imitation. I feed him regularly and put him down for his nap after he's been awake for 5-6 hours. (I watch his cues). He only melts down if I push his sleep to late or he gets hungry. Goo Luck and enjoy your toddler. Remember - this is all temporary!

Hi K.,

I can understand why you're frustrated. It's really hard when children transition from sweet babies to toddlers. If you can, try to see his testing as a good thing. It's his way of trying to understand his growning independent role in his world.

Realize that he probably thinks that his easygoing mellow mom who used to be okay with everything he did has turned into an uptight parent who thwarts him at every turn!

That said, I'd try to set clear and consistent boundries and really stick to them. Talk to him and make sure he understands the limits and what to expect. (he's not too young for time outs 60-90 seconds)

Hope this helps.

T.

Hi K.-
I have not had to put this into practice yet, but from my childcare days, this is what I learned from one of my favorite moms. Her son was always NOT listening to her and doing whatever, testing his boundaries. THis is perfectly normal for a child to do. But what I saw her do to change that was fairly simple and I wish I had thought of it. =) She would get down on her knees, so that they were eye level with one another. She would hold his arms gently but firmly, and ask him to look at you while you are speaking. Give him simple and direct instructions. Ask him if he understands your words. If he says yes (you may have to remind him to keep looking at you while you speak) then ask him to repeat your instructions back to you. Once he is clear on the instructions, let him know that not following your instructions will result in disciplinary action (use smaller words if you need). Don't threaten. Here is an example. THe mother got on her knees, took her son close to her and said "Matthew, I need you to listen to me for one minute. Pick up your socks from the bathroom and put them in the laundry basket right now please. Do you understand?" Child responds. MOther says "Please repeat the instructions back to me." Child says "put my socks in the hamper." Mother gives the child a few minutes to follow instructions. If he refuses, she pulls him back to her and gives him a warning. If you do not pick up your socks right now the consequence will be ________. He can lose marbles from his reward jar (set a reward for once the jar is full) and he can earn a marble by following through with your instructions. Reward and consequence are visual- he will begin to understand- and you will be communicating with him clearly. This WILL take time and effort, but I think it will be constructive and in the long run, will make him more readily available to your instruction and your voice.
I hope this helps and works for you!
-E.

Hi K.,
Well, as many others, I feel your pain! I have a 2 year old that likes to push the boundaries, also. First I want to say that reasoning with a child that small DOES NOT WORK. You can talk till you're blue in the face, but it doesn't click. So don't expect to say, "honey, that's not right and you should stop that because it's not acceptable" and have him respond, "okay mother, I'll get right on that." I agree with the others in the "pick your battles" area. However, he's not going to understand the time out thing at this point, either. He just thinks, "well, mom put me here for some reason and I have to sit until she comes and gets me....how bizarre." For some reason parents have abandoned swats and spankings altogether, but it is completely appropriate and effective when done, not out of anger, but out of love. Getting a few swats to the derierre with a stern "no-no" is a whole lot more effective than a time out which makes no sense to them. But whatever you choose, be consistent and be strong in your commitment to raise a child people WANT to be around. God bless.

So normal. Remember despite how badly you think he is behaving he is not behaving that badly. He is 1 1/2 years old and supposed to not listen. He is exploring, testing and learning. All mom's go through this. You have to be patient, don't yell and when discipline, remember that you need to stay calm and talk to him.

I follow the suppenanny's lead, (I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old) and I get down to their level and tell them no. If it doesn't work, at the 1 year age, I re-direct. (redirection at 1 1/2 years is awesome) For my 3 year old, it is time-outs and if that doesn't work I take a toy away. I always tell him why and make sure I kneel down and not scream across the room.

To control your frustration, nothing a 1 1/2 year old baby can do is so bad that you can't fix it, laugh about it etc. Walk out of the room and count to 10. Go outside and scream at the top of your lungs. I do this all the time. It helps relax me and get my feelings out quickly.

Remember you don't get these years back and nothing is worth getting so upset and frustrated. Everything is fixable, pick your battles. When you are happy he is happy, when you are frusterated he is too. Good luck

Welcome to the onset of the terrible twos! My daughter who is 26 months was the same way ( and still is )- some independent and spirited kids just want to test their independence more! I judt try to go with the flow and give her as many options as possible. If you give them the illusion of control by letting them make the decisions in what they eat, wear, play with, etc. by giving them options it might help. Just know that your son is not alone in this kind of behavior and it doesn't mean he is becoming a bad kid.

K.
At this age is the start of what we call the terrible two's. Right now he is testing how far he can go with you. It is time to show him you are the boss. And set limits. Time outs are good for you and him. I have raised four children and I used to love nap time and when they would not take naps I would still have them do 1hr of quite time in there rooms to help me relax. I hope this is helpful a little.
D.

Hi K...I hear you! My son is 23 months and I went through the same problems. He was so mellow the first six months and then something changed. My friend recommended this book and the workbook and it's helped so much. It's called The Spirited Child. I got them both off Amazon for like $5.
If your baby is anything like mine, it will pass within the next couple of months.
Good luck!

I think it's helpful to remind yourself that your child is 19 months old. Sometimes we think that kids pop out and they sleep through the night and do exactly what we say. They don't as you've discovered. But if you wipe that expectation out of your head you'll feel better about it. Giving a child choices - do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt - sometimes short-circuits the tantrum. Don't ask "are you ready for bed" say it's bedtime now, which book do you want to read or which animal do you want to take to bed. But I find changing your expectations helps and reduces your feeling as if you're losing control. Good-luck.

I would make soure his hearing is ok. My brother stated not to listening and it was his toncils had gotten to big and he could not hear. also maybe lots of exercise to get rid of some energy so he can do what he is should be doing.stay clam be consistant this will get better. S..

Don;t show him frustration, show him your love, and he will give it back to you, get him a playmate and activities that are interesting for him like flour, water, and a rolling pin.

IF YOU THINK HE'S NOT LISTENING TO YOU NOW, WAIT UNTIL HE'S FIFTEEN! Really, a 19 month old does not "listen." They can't benefit from advice, reasoning, or discussion until they're at least five, and even then you have to secure the obedience first, and discuss the matter later.

For toddlers,distraction is a really useful tool: "Honey, don't poke the pitbull in the eye--- OOOOHHH! Look! Look at the BIG dump truck!" You say this as you swoop him up in your arms and point him in the direction of the dumptruck.)

You can't really "discipline" a toddler, either. He doesn't know he's supposed to do what mommy says. And it will get worse before it gets better, because he's just now gearing up for the "terrible twos." I recommend you read Penelope Leach's books about child development. She's amazingly perceptive.

Be consistent and remember to never let him/her see you sweat. They dont listen at that age, but they DO hear you. Be consistent and keep plugging away. I took my son in for a hearing test I was soo frustrated. The doc was very supportive but the nurse looked at his paper work and very seriously said "Well, it's confirmed, he's definately a 2 year old". That made me smile.

Why are you stressed????? ENJOY!!!! Kids are little for such a short time...RELAX!!!! Babies turn in to toddlers who turn in to preschoolers who turn into schoolers and eventually teens..... RELAX and ENJOY!!! mellow babies, active toddlers and busy preschoolers it's the way of parenthood and children....mom of 3 ages 27y 25y and 19yrs

Hi K.,

I know EXACTLY how you feel! Our daughter is 19 1/2 months old and is driving me crazy. I have to say, that her "strong" personality is mostly charming and adorable, as well as frustrating, so we're trying to take the good with the "bad". :)

At about 17 months she changed from the "mellow" and cooperative baby into a frustrating toddler who said "no" to every single thing! I agree with what other mommies have written, that it is their developmental time to test boundaries. But it sure is hard to be the one trying to keep the boundaries!

When she started testing me I stood firm and tried to let her know that she was being unreasonable and that I was the boss. But that didn't work. So I started to back down on things that were really not that important, and we both relaxed a lot. I think that about 50% of the things I used to get mad about I don't worry about anymore, and the trade-off of having things go more smoothly is worth it. There is time later to fine-tune her behavior and habits!

For example, when she said "no" when I tried to cut her toe nails one day, then I just waited until the next day to give it a try. It is not worth having a huge battle when one more day won't hurt anyone (even though it made me mad that she said "no" to me). The next day I handed her the nail clippers and asked if she could do it, while I was changing her diaper. She enjoyed trying, and after a little while I asked if I could help. She happily agreed, and I cut the nails on her other foot with a second pair of clippers while singing one of her favorite songs. The important thing is that her toe nails got trimmed, not that she "won" and I didn't. Not sure if this makes sense, but so far this is the approach I am taking instead of timeouts and reasoning.

Another thing I've noticed is that she starts to be difficult when I am worried about something else in my life. Not sure how she pick ups on it because I think I am acting normal, but for example, she has just started to be difficult and in two days my parents are coming for a three-week visit! I don't think it is a coincidence.

One more thing, I have tried to react exactly the opposite of what my natural instinct is. What I mean is, instead of sternly saying "no!" when she does something wrong, I gather all of my loving feelings for her, kneel down to her level, hold her little hand, look her in the eye, and sweetly say, "Honey, I love you," give her a kiss, "but it makes mommy really upset when you throw your dinner on the floor". When I do this she then looks at her mess and says "no, no, no" and shakes her finger, as if to scold herself. Then the next few times she eats dinner she remembers, points to the floor and says, "no, no, no". I agree with her by saying, "right, Sweetie, we don't throw our food on the floor." with a sweet smile. And a few times she has then leaned over and kissed me! It sounds crazy, but so far it has worked!

I am just hoping that if these are the terrible twos (let's hope it's not worse than this!), then maybe they will be over sooner since they started sooner!

Hang in there. I completely understand the frustration. And it is frustrating that a 1 1/2 year old is able to get us that upset, right?

Please let me know how it goes for you and what works and what doesn't! I could use more tricks as well. :)

H.

You need to lower your expectation for this age for him and for yourself. If you want him to come to you, go to him and take his hand. Follow through with what you expect by helping him. "It is time to wash our hands for lunch. Lets go wash our hands together" vs "Go wash your hands." I have 12 little ones and even though this age is walking and talking some, they are still not even two years old. Sometimes adults may think that their child is out to get them but they really aren't. They also have a very short attention span and forget easily what Mommy just said. Shower him with love, make doing things fun and happy. Let him help you take laundry to the washer and when it is done to where you fold clothes. He wants to be part of your life as much as you are part of his. He will only be this age a short time so he will get better.
F.

Whatever your response strategy, it's important to remember that this is totally normal and that he is doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing at this age. He is developing normally and figuring out his place in the world, what he can control, and what his limits are. Maybe keeping this in mind can help you smile at these episodes, rather than get angry. Know, also, that this too shall pass and this set of challenges will be replaced by new ones.

Best of luck,

E.

Hi K.,

There is no need to stress and get frustrated with your little one. He feels what you are feeling also.

Talk to him and when you ask him to do something make him do it right away. If he misbehaves put him on time out for 10 minutes. You have to be consistant if you are not you send a confusing message to him.

good luck.

N. Marie

One thing that wasn't mentioned yet was that at this age, kids like the reaction they get for things & get a kick outa seeing their moms 'lose it.' So, as hard as it is, try to stay calm & not make a huge deal out of it. As all others have said, it's his age & really a phase. I also agree that time outs aren't practical at this age....at 19 months old, they jsut don't understand them. Nor would they understand moms trying to reason w/them & explain things. As one mom said, don't use too many words....keep it simple? Another suggestion, when your son is getting into something or misbehaving, gently let him know you don't like what he's doing & move onto another activity. Distract him w/another toy & drop the whole subject of misbehaving. Best of luck!

We have found Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" to contain *most* of the tools we need to keep our spirtited 15 month old cooperative as well as tips for us to help keep our cool...I don't know what we would have done without it.

We also use a lot of baby signs or gestures which since it improves communication helps reduce stress and frustration. Both Karp and I second the response about letting your son "win" some battles that don't matter. As he says, toddlers feel like they are losing all day so empowering them with choices and letting them feel in control can really shift the dynamic in your favor.

Good luck!