Social Boundaries -- Need a Barometer

Good Lord, who died and left HER Jenny Craig?! That is annoying.

I'd just internally roll my eyes and ignore her.

Lunch should be enjoyable, you know?

:)

Humor is the best way to difuse it. Sometimes I am caught off guard and don't respond. Then I stew and sometimes EXPLODE rudely.
I hate when people do this. How can she not know it is inappropriate?

I tend to do things by degrees:

Humor. Politeness. Warning. Threat. Follow through.

Humor: ACTUALLY this is magical cheesecake with no calories. It won't make you fat. Its cleverly disguised, but its made from celery juice and the milk of virgin anorexic unicorns.

Politeness: Please leave me out.

Warning: Sally, don't even THINK about dissecting my lunch.

Threat : Say one word about my food and I'll throw up all over your cubicle.

Follow through : (I never make threats I don't carry out.)

I'd either just politely ask her to stop - because it really is rude. You could say something like "I appreciate your concern, I'm doing my best to eat healthy. Since you're not available when I'm making choices every morning maybe we can agree that it's pointless to discuss it while I'm eating."

Personally, I'm a little more confrontational and have learned through research much of what we think of "healthy" is baloney and based on bad science - so I would engage her in discussion. I highly recommend Gary Taubes and his book "Why We Get Fat". For an intro, read my blog My Inner Angry Wonk http://robinmilesmclean.blogspot.com/2012_04_01_archive.html

this is probably not the "right" answer, but rather than singling her out or confronting her (however nicely it might be done), i would probably test the waters with the other ladies. maybe an innocent "has she always been so interested in everyone's meals?" would get the ball rolling. maybe the ladies have known her long enough to know she's just harmless, advise how to deal with her, or even commiserate with you.

Hi S.! You aren't being overly sensitive at all. I'm not good at confrontation. What might be an interesting experiment is to order exactly what she orders next time. Then wait and see what she picks on about your meal. It could be quite entertaining... it might teach her a lesson... but it will be funny. Good luck!

"I appreciate your concern, but this is what I've chosen for lunch and I plan on enjoying it. If you'll excuse me, please, I'm ready to eat."

Ok, I would have to go with Theresa since I laughed. That's what you want is humor. So who died and made you Jenny Craig (smile on face), really, Sally, have you always been weight conscious? What's your history or interest in what people eat? Look friendly and interested.
Good luck!

It is very rude, but she is probably doing it from a level of concern and trying to share what she feels is helpful. Especially if she has first hand knowledge.

I would be very uncomfortable with it, but I am also overweight and am very self conscious. I always think I am being judged when I walk into a McDonalds even if no one looks or says something to me.

I have to assume the other ladies recognize this as strange and a wierd personality quirk this lady has. Look at the expressions of the others at the table when she begins her trip around the table. Are they purposefullly ignoring her, glancing at each other like "here we go again" or do they s=not notice it since she's been doing it forever?

Clearly it's not person since she does this odd thing at every meal - and no you don't need to defend yourself at all. You have a few options when she gets to you next time - you can say, kiddingly, "Here's the Suzie Orman of restaurant food - OK - break it to me gently - premission granted or not?" or smile sweetly and say "Hurry - I need your review before I begin to eat!" or after her unhealthy comment say something like " I know - it's it just decadent isn't it? as bad habits go it's not as bad as it could be - I'm not out pole dancing or drinking all night!" I think you have to realize this lady is either a little mentally unhinged or she thinks she's the authority on all things and God has granted her the responsibility to impart her knowledfe to everyone else. Feel sorry for her becuase it must impact her in other parts of her relationships too. This is an annoyance - don't allow it to become bigger than that. ;o) And enjoy that unhealthy lunch! (I've going to begin a diet of grilled chicken and lettuce on 1/1!)

No, you're not being overly sensitive. She's out of line, but if it helps you to think this way, please consider that she may be just a nosy busybody OR she may be someone who has, herself, overcome eating issues or lost a lot of weight and feels compelled to "spread the gospel" and "help" others. Her intentions may be good while her sense of social boundaries is out of whack. That isn't an attempt to excuse her behavior, which is impolite even if it does come from a good impulse (some impulses should be curbed). Also, she may not have food/weight/health issues but may just be socially awkward.

I agree with others that humor is one way to defuse it but I wouldn't make a huge joke loudly in front of the whole table of folks. I would also see if you can just deflect -- if she brings up "Are you sure that's a healthy choice?" you can say, "Yes, it fits into the rest of my day fine. Hey, did you see that show last night...." or "It's delicious. How long have you worked for X?" In other words, respond noncommittally and immediately ask HER a question. That might get her off the topic.

The other lunchers may know things about her and her food questions that you don't know. (Such as whether she has had health issues in the past that make her this way.) How do they respond and react? Do they even react or do they just go deaf when she says these things? Are you comfortable enough with any of them to ask, "I noticed that Sally likes to talk about what everyone is eating -- is that typical?" But don't carp about her to the others; they have known her longer and may go to her and tell her if you complain or joke about her when she's not there. Just ask them if it's typical, that's all.

that is weird. And I agree with Robin too. Ask her to stop. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, maybe you can try something like - when you are getting ready to order your food, you can say "I'd like the cheeseburger and fries, and I hope Mary approves!!!" or whatever you decide to order. Maybe that will let everyones hair down, and give her a little clue that you are bothered by it, and maybe she will stop.

Yikes.

Watch what the others do - see if they ignore her, humor her, encourage her, or whatever. I only say that because you are newer and trying to get to know people, and because you say they know each other pretty well. Gauge your behavior on what others do. I'm not sure she's not being negative though - there's a strong element of control here, not in just making conversation. Talking about others gaining weight with what you chose is pushing it - big time. And it's interesting to me that she doesn't discuss the calorie count BEFORE the meal comes or while she is mulling over her own choices, but she waits until it's in front of you and then she starts in.

I tend to use humor more than being direct, if it works. I'd say something like "All things in moderation" in a really cheerful and carefree voice, and then change the subject, as if she's not being really serious. You could say, "I put in a call to my doctor and she said it's okay!" as long as it comes across as funny and not sarcastic.

Is she the one doing the inviting to lunch? If so, you could consider saying, "Well, I'd like to go and get to know everyone better, but I want to be sure we can talk about something besides the calorie count of my order. Otherwise we spend so much time discussing my healthy choices that I can't find out about how interesting you all are." It's better than being really hostile and saying, "No thanks, I can't come, because I can only count the nutritional values in foods I pack myself and bring from home!"

But again, take your lead from the others to start with. And you have to find a response that fits with your personality. Don't try humor if it doesn't work for you, don't try sarcasm if it's a weak area for you! You can create more animosity than you already have!

Next time she invites you to lunch, pull a huge bag full of Twinkies and Snickers from under your desk and say "No thanks, I brought lunch today!"

OK, maybe something a little more gentle to start :) I would ask the other ladies about it and take your cues from them. As others have said, they may be able to provide insight into the reasons for her behavior. If they seem to have the eye-roll response too, I would talk with them about a gently humorous approach to see how they think she might react. Like maybe next week we can all order dessert for lunch, just to see what she says. I have had co-workers who would find that funny and get the point, but also know that some do not find their own idiosyncrasies funny under any circumstances.

I think I would kindly say "Thanks for your concern but I am a big girl and can put my big girl panties on all by myself too!

I find this hilarious and would have fun with her. (Believe me, I know that it's annoying. People often get on my nerves with this social stuff. One older woman at work surprised me by reaching over to my plate with her fork. HUH?? It caught me off guard, and I was not able to handle it with much grace, but I put up my arm and blocked two or three of her attempts, and I heard later that my disgust was all over my face.)

Anyway, if you're concerned about saying the wrong thing, something that you can't take back, just say nothing. That would crack me up to just sit there and ignore her altogether. When she calls your name, answer. When she says something outrageous, act like she's talking to someone else and just continue with whatever you're doing. If she insists on having your attention, tell her dismissively, "What you said didn't sound like it was meant for me, so I figured you were talking to someone else," or "Yeah, I didn't think you were talking to me." I have done that at work and in social settings. I don't try to stop people from being who they are; I just don't participate.

I don't think you're overly sensitive. This lady is nosy, she doesn't know good communication/social skills. You can always answer "Well it's all I can afford right now" or "Been eating this for years and can't seem to put ON an ounce of weight!". Or offer to trade what you have for her stuff. Suggest SHE buy you a lunch that meets her approval.

One option is to just go sit somewhere else and eat in peace.

I would use humor - say something like 'Sports Illustrated did not call me this year to model for their magazine so I can eat what I want'. Or 'I fit into my bikini just fine, so everything is going well for me - how about you?' Something like that should let her know to leave you alone.

The next time she comes around and inspects your lunch--you say " Oh, are you the food police? The food police officer is here again." How much longer are you going to do this?? It was funny the first time-sort of, but every lunch? No bueno. Please stop. Then smile and talk to someone else. She will get the hint and back off or at least skip you :)

I would simply tell her how you feel, in private so as to not call her out in front of others.