Solitary Son

Hello M. S: I am the mother of 5, have been a foster mother and amnow the grandmother of many cuties! A lonely child is still the hardest thing for me to bear. It just seems so unfair that with people needing people someone is left out.
I have always had generally out going childen with my birth children except one. This young man has a heart that was continually being stepped on and hurt because of being reserved around anyone outside of the family. His older siblings (some 12 years older) treated him as one of their pack of buddies and if those guys didn't accept him them his brothers stopped hanging around thatkid. My guy was an observer--the one that melted into the wall the minuet he had to interact with people. Now as a young adult he is the same way and we now know why... He is dyslexic and has Aspberger's syndrome both made it hard on him to do things as others do it.
I have another son that is very popular yet,-- he can only handle haveing 2 friends at a time and would really prefer only one at a time to talk, or do things with. He would rather be a loner and lonely than reach out and make friends. Yet the surprize is he is liked by alot of people and always has someone around. My husband D., has been a teacher and would always give this advice to parents. 1. talk to the teacher and see if there is another child in the group that he can buddy up with, or acts the same. this way they both have needs met.
2. have play dates where he invites someone over to his house where he is safe and secure.
3. just know that in real life people generally have alot of people they know but only 1 or2 close friends.
I didn't read your other responses and I am sure you were given some great advice. So take it all in and ponder it, then talk to your son abut what might be some good areas to start in. Parenthood is an adventure and its not always fun but for sure it is never dull. Take Care of yourselves and have a good weekend, Nana G

I have a 4 year old who has socialization issues. This could also be the problem with your 8 year old. There are socialization playgroups. You may want to look into something like that for him to learn how to socialize.

I would also talk to his teacher and/or principal and even his pediatrician. Tell them of your concerns. Early intervention is important!

Hi M. -

My son is 6 and also an only child. We got him involved in TaeKwonDo, for other reasons than social, but it has been terrific. I would suggest it for your son because there are life skills that are the focus of each month, and the teachers are tremendous. Getting involved in a group activity that still has individual accomplishments would be good. If you live in the south sac or elk grove area, I suggest KJ's ATA at the corner of Elk Grove Florin and Calvine behind Walgreens. If you choose taekwondo, you will want to be associated with an ATA school because of the common standards and structure.
If your son is naturally an introvert, just continue to encourage him to assert himself and not be left out. He will get through it.
Good luck!

If he is 8 years old and in 4th grade isn't he a bit younger than his classmates? Is he academically advanced? I thought most 4th graders are 9 - 10 years old. Perhaps the age difference is making it hard for him to connect with kids in his own grade...? I'd keep trying activities outside of a school environment where kids are sorted by grades. Also, try things other than sports ... arts, music, dance, etc. Maybe he just hasn't found his thing yet. Finally, I'd talk to his teacher to get his/her perspective on your child's social development. Maybe the teacher has some insights or will be able to reassure you that he is doing fine. Good luck.

Sounds Like you may need the school to do an IEP He may need help in other things.

Interesting that you posted twice. I think this posting is more informative, but the other one got the responses.
Did he say "they won't let me" or "I DON'T THINK they would let me". There is a distinction there, in my eyes.
try to get him to talk and really listen closely. A male perspective may be important, if you can get Dad, or a male figure involved in the conversation---boys and girls have different social rules.
I would ask him WHY he thinks the kids will not "let" him play. If he thinks this because of past experiences when they did not let him play, then he needs to think of why that might have been---they have a special group that sticks together exclusively and he's not in it, or maybe he isn't "good enough" at the games and the kids lose their patience with his lack of skill, or what??
OR does he think they won't let him because he just thinks they won't, but he has never actually tried?
Maybe he feels overwhelmed in groups. A lot of boys are very competitive and loud and maybe he doesn't like it and maybe doesn't fit into that.
As someone said, some kids are just "different" and don't like groups, and that's okay. But if he is fearful, sad, or hopeless...well, that's a problem.

It sounds as if he's shy in groups. Keep pushing him to join in, maybe teach him words to use to help him be more outgoing. It will probably take a long time for him to overcome his shy nature, but keep trying anyway.

The part about his not finishing work in school seems to be a different issue.

Hi M. S,

My grandaughter was shy and would do things one on one also and not well with groups so I started challenging her to do things that she would not do and give her something special for doing it.

One day I took her to a carnival and they had a booth that children got up and sang. I asked her to go up and sing. She kept telling me no I am scared. I said so what go up there any way. I told her no one will hurt her. I want you to do this for me. I want you to sing for me. She kept saying no. I pretty much pushed her up there and I told her I would get her an extra snack with something she really likes.

She went up there and sang. She said it was not that hard. Then she kept wanting to go up and went back probably 5 -7 times afterwards. It is just getting them to do it initially then it becomes easier.

Good luck.

N. Marie

Assuming your son has a new teacher this school year and she/he is comfortable with using email to communicate with parents, I would suggest you send the teacher an email to get his/her thoughts or suggestions. It's still early in the year...you could wait another month or so.

If your son does have certain friends he likes and gets along with in the classroom or out on the playground, you can see if he'd like to invite that friend over sometime to play.

At the school I teach at, we had a counselor-intern that was wonderful in setting up a "social skills/friendship" group that met once or twice a week during lunch recess. It helped the students who were often alone at recess or ones who had difficulty resolving conflicts on the playground.

Hope this helps some.

Clearly you want your son to be happy and "fit in." But that may require him to change his personality. Some people just aren't comfortable joining groups. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with him, it is just who he is. It also doesn't mean that he can't or won't get along with other people or even that he won't be successful in life.

Teach him to accept who he is by accepting him as he is.

By all means try to find activities for him. Encourage him to do things he enjoys. He will learn the social skills he will need to be a successful person, even if he always prefers the company of one or two friends to a whole group.

This can make you feel so badly--my son was the same way. There are some very good suggestions below--make sure you talk to the teacher. He or she might be able to seat him with some kind, outgoing kids. A lot of children are not empathetic, so it helps if the teacher can get the empathetic kids to help out. Also, socialization counseling does help. And if you can find an interest for him, try that. Perhaps sports is not his thing. My son was artistic, but there are often science classes or drama classes, too. Sometimes it takes kids a while to find a major interest.