Someone Else's Husband Is Making Indirect Comments About My Weight to Me.

I wish we lived in the same area - because I want to start a book club with you! You did what a lot of people don't have the GUTS to do! When something bothers healthy minded people they bring it UP....that is how we deal with things on a healthy level. It doesn't matter if the wife or husband thought you misunderstood (which you didn't), because it FELT bad to YOU. I don't know you, but I am very proud of you.

His wife is nuts.

Classic passive aggressive behavior.

This couple is just looking for drama and looking for a player in their circus. They will keep 'upping the ante' until you or someone else plays into it.

Honestly, I would join a new book club or take a break from it for a few months until they get bored and leave the group. Sorry to say.

They are not rational people and there is nothing you can say to make them so.

Brian and his wife are jerks. Best to drop it, but if he says something to you under his breath again, you should look at him and say loudly, "What did you just say to me?"

First off - this guy seems to be low on impulse control and has a tendency to shoot off his mouth.
You respond by calling him on it and looking him in the eye - you DARE him to say ONE MORE WORD and if he does you call him out on his boorish behavior publicly.

"You know, Tom - it might be a good idea if you stuff something into your mouth before you spew anymore of your 'wisdom' my way.".

"Tom, Dear! Have a biscuit! You desperately need to shove it in your pie hole before I shove it up a different orifice!".

The other thing is - you give this guy way too much power to hurt your feelings.
Never care what an idiot says.

Also - this is YOUR book club - this husband is a new comer - you do NOT let him run you off from your group.
In the hierarchy of the group, he doesn't even rank omega.
You out rank him - believe it - and put him in his place.
Verbally slap that bad boy down!
Stop being sad - get good and mad.

First of all I think you did a wonderful thing to confront him on his hurtful comments without creating a scene. You let him know that his words hurt and he needs to stop. Good for you. You were so brave.

The next time he feels the need to comment on anything you are eating create a scene. Repeat what he said just in case someone didn't hear it. Like 'You just told me I didn't need more dessert. Why do you feel its your place to comment on anything I'm doing? How would you feel if someone's husband made rude comments to your wife?'

Jerks need to be called out on their jerk behavior. You ignored it the first time. You called him out privately the second time. Using the 3 strikes and you are out theory if he's stupid enough to open his mouth again then you are free to say anything you want back.

Wow and wow. So sorry you are dealing with this. Lets just say for the sake of augment, that you are misinterpreting the comments of a socially inept person. You did everything right. You let the first comment slide. You took him aside for clarification and reconciliation the second offense. You did nothing wrong.

The sad thing is that the wife felt it more important to take a defensive posture rather than deal with your hurt feelings, warranted or unwarranted. Then blamed you and called you paranoid! Thats just horrible. Sometimes you do what you can to keep the peace because certain people are in your life and they are there to stay. But if at all possible, I'd let these ones go.

When I hear this story though, I cannot help but think of my father. He's a jokester and his mouth is always going. Safe to say that while he is much loved, he often puts his foot in his mouth. I know he never means to be hurtful, but sometimes he does not realize that some things should not be said. Especially to certain people.

I do think it is possible that you are misinterpreting his words. But his wife's email is without excuse. Did she really use the F word? "we don't care if you are Fat?"

I have dealt with snide comments from a SIL. Since I'm stuck with her in my life, so far, I have let them go and taken the higher road. Other than that, I have not dealt with it since high school, (unless of course we count the snide comments generated from this site). And yes I think its best to call people out on them (privately, as you did). It clears the air. And if he is being snide, he is not likely to be in the future because he knows not to mess with you.

But if it were me, i'd pull a mutual friend aside, one who is not prone to gossip, share the email, and ask for honest feedback. Also, whatever your response, give it some time. Our initial reactions to such hurt are not usually the best.

That guy is a dick. You handled it -- you talked to him. Try to let it go.

Reading your What Happened: The wife is even worse. What an idiot. Try to avoid them and let it go.

You could respond to the wife, but I'm not sure you should dignify her idiotic letter, unless you want to. If you do, keep it short and sweet. Like "I'm sorry you feel that way." (Normally I hate that passive-aggressive response, but this stupid woman deserves such a response.) You were completely correct to talk to her husband, he's a big boy and wifey doesn't need to be defending him.

Wow. His wife's response to you is even more disturbing than his horribly offensive comments. These two people are crazy, and don't be surprised if they start some smear campaign against you to try to avoid looking like the rude and insensitive people that they are to the other book club members. Avoid these people like the plague on society that they are.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Well, the guy's a scummer.

Why would you let a scummer decide your mood for you?

Me (to scummer): I see you've been working on your social skills, good job! (shoots over the top look of pity to Mrs. Scummer)

Grrr.

:(

Next time he says something like that to you at a group gathering, say VERY loud and clear.... "Why would you say something so rude to a person? How would you like it if some man said that to YOUR wife?"

Be sure to say it very loud, so others can hear YOU criticizing his rude and nasty behavior.

I sure feel sorry for his wife, that he has such a clod for a husband!

I'm sorry you are struggling with this...... some people have no idea how to behave, and frankly, there are some guys that just never do grow up!

Holy cow!
This wife's a dolt!
His first remark was WAY out if line (you don't need that. ??? Really?!)
She's an ignoramus for trying to defend him and make YOU the issue.
Clearly, you're not.
He is.
You're right.
He's wrong.
His wife's an idiot.
Her message reminds me of white people who preface every bigoted remark with "some of my best friends are black, but....."
Cut your losses. Find a new book club and some new friends!
These don't sound like the kind of people anyone would want to be around.

I am mouthy, so I would have called this guy out in front of everyone. I am also overweight, so I get it, but I am also confident and comfortable in my own skin. I am not on this earth for the viewing pleasure of anyone and if people don't like what I look like, they can look away. I know it's easier said than done, but try to be strong. Our society and especially the media place so much emphasis on vanity that it is becoming harder and harder for people to accept themselves for who they are instead of what they look like. Believe in yourself, and own it. When you own who you are, no one can use it to hurt you. You are beautiful and don't let anyone try to make you feel like you are not!!

If wife says he is such a good guy, why didn't HE send you an email apologizing for comments he made? Sounds like an awkward future club meeting. The fact that she nudged him when he made comment at dinner clearly reveals that wife knew it was inappropriate. She's a liar. He's a jerk. I hope there are nicer people in the group. If not, I'd find a new group.

Here is my response to the wife:

Betty,

While I appreciate your communicating with me regarding your husband, this matter was settled after I had my discussion with Brian.

You want to stick up for your husband? That is wonderful. Next time, I would suggest you tell him to keep his "inside jokes" to himself. Yes, I am very sensitive about my weight but that does not give you nor your husband the right to be judgmental and yes he was and so are you. I did not appreciate the rude comments and I most certainly don't appreciate your email trying to make your husband the victim in his little exchange.

Your husband made a couple of comments that were not appreciated, I spoke with him privately and let him know that they were not appreciated. I was not rude nor disrespectful to your husband. I wish the same could be said about the two of you.

I consider this subject closed.

Best wishes,

Busylittleones

Now, that's just me. I think this couple completely overstepped themselves. Kudos to you for having a conversation with this man and letting him know that some of his comments were cruel not funny. I'm sure the wife is embarrassed and is trying to deflect from her husband.

Just......wow. She's right; her note to you is not a "polite thing to do." And of course, she doesn't see that while yes, your issues exist, she also has issues that she's neatly projecting onto you.

So sorry, dear one. I've been where you are, and have been treated like you have been treated. Judgement through projection is something people can't seem to stop doing, and "people of weight" are a popular target these days. Take care of yourself, and that can include an occasional holiday treat. I promise you; it can get better.

Wow!

That guy is an @$$hole with a capital "A". I can see how you'd be hurt, especially at this vulnerable time in your life. But here's the thing. HE'S the @$$hole. NOT you. HE'S the one that looks like a jerk and social imbecile. NOT you. He's not worth getting upset about. Two things come to mind (and they're not the exact quotes, just based on famous quotes in history):

1. Your opinion of me is none of my business.

2. I may be overweight now, but I will eventually lose the weight. YOU will still be a rude jack-off - there's no cure for that!

Honestly, the person I *really* feel sorry for is that man's wife. How embarrassing to have to take HIM out in public. She must be mortified.

YOU need not give that man another second of your precious time. He's not worth it. If anything feel sorry for him - he has a bad case of verbal diarrhea, lack of common sense and general assholery.

ETA: Read your SWH. Ugh. They really win Couple of the Year, don't they? I guess idiots come in pairs. Unbelievable.

Good on you for confronting someone who thought fat-shaming another person was OK. He is obviously a creep. His wife is worse, but generally people who are that defensive are hiding something. She gets to live with that fat-shaming creep, he gets to live with his shrewish wife, and you get to move on.

There were two things that bothered me about your post. This first is that you went into the bathroom and cried when a virtual stranger said something rude. He was a stranger! Why does he have control over your feelings like that? The second is that you don't mention your husband's reaction to the events. Did he hear the offending comments? Did he say anything?

What a jerk. Don't let him get to you...he's an a**hole. Just feel sorry for his wife being married to him. Think of the things he must say to her. I am so sorry you felt so bad and had your feelings hurt. Get angry. Tell that guy if he says one more cloddish thing to you, he is not welcome around you anymore. He has no right.

Your feelings are not unfounded. Approaching it directly was good. However, now you need to grow a thicker skin so you can ignore such remarks. I suggest saying it was unfounded was their way of saying what I said.

Later reread your post and "What Happened." I do not think that these people are rude and should be condemned. I suggest those who condemn Brian and his wife need to reread the post. His comments may be in poor taste and were casually made without malice. I suggest you need to consider his wife's letter as an attempt to let you know that he didn't mean to upset you.

You don't say what Brian's response to you taking him aside was. Neither did you say what you said and in what tone. As is often the case, there are two sides to a story. Just from what you describe I suggest you are making casual remarks made by a person you don't and who doesn't know you into a big deal.

I urge you to look at yourself to find why these comments upset you so much. I suggest that the issue isn't the comments but what you think of yourself. You took the comments personally. I suggest on some level you feel he's right and rather to look inward to figure yourself out you attack him. By puthing the focus on him you can avoid questioning yourself to figure out why you are so sensitive and how you can be less sensitive.

I hear you're having a bad time. That does make us more sensitive. It's OK to be sensitive. What is not OK is to blame someone else for your sensitivity. We are each responsible for our own feelings. He may be insensitive. Don't give him the power to hurt you.

I suggest you could have gotten your point across (that his words hurt) by commenting at the time saying in a friendly way "that hurt" thus giving him the opportunity to say he was sorry. Then you have the opportunity to decide how you how you will continue to feel. You can brush it off or you can stew about it for days. Your choice.

I was an early woman in a man's field. If I took personally all the comments directed at me I would've been bitter and unhappy. I choose happiness. That's not to say I never felt hurt. I did. But I chose to let go of the pain. No one can make me unhappy without my permission.

BTW,he did not comment on your weight. I would accept his wife's explanation and move on.

You asked in front of the whole group to speak to him privately, so everyone in the group knows that there was an issue between you. You then left swiftly and clearly unhappily so that also lets the whole group know that you and he had an issue even though the others may not know precisely what it was. Prepare yourself for someone else in the group to ask what was wrong, etc., and prepare what you plan to say if that happens.

Also be aware that next time the group meets, he (if he has any sense at all) may not be there if he's decent enough to be embarrassed, and that should be the end of it. But if he's a complete idiot, and he may be, and turns up again, he either may be overly nice to "make it up to you" or he may be cold because he knows the whole group is aware he somehow upset you.

I'm just laying out these possibilities so that you can think through them before you meet with the group again; you do not want to walk into the next meeting or dinner and be surprised if he is very chilly, or his wife is chilly, or if he's excessively nice and attentive and complimentary. Just be aware that the whole group knows there was an issue so you might encounter some additional response to this situation, and be ready for it so you're not caught off guard and get upset again.

I think you handled it the best you could in the circumstances and you did indeed call him out, just not in front of others. If he is around again and makes another comment, I'd turn to him -- not go aside separately -- and just say very calmly and condescendingly, "Bill, I think we covered these kinds of comments at the restaurant that time, didn't we," with a withering look as if he's a clod too thick-headed to remember that he already got told off and you have to remind him in front of others. I would advise against shouting it; just be the very cool and collected adult treating him like a child who is too socially dumb to remember that He Is a Clod.

A lot here depends on how well you know his wife and how you and she get along, I think. If she knows he's an idiot in this way, she might just be pretty upset about it, but if he's the type to tell the story in a way that makes him look better and you look "over-sensitive" etc., she might not know what to make of it. If you know her really well and are good, real friends and not just book club pals, you might be able to tell her why you called him aside. I hope she'd be appalled.

I agree with the person below who said it's time to boot the husbands from book club. Are they really into the books and participating, or do they just want to tag along for the social side of things and turn up only when the meeting's over and the snacks come out, etc.? It's a tough call, because if some husbands really do want to engage in the book side of things, you don't want to tell them to take a hike, but if they all are mostly there for the socializing, it's time to start meeting when they can't be around. That might not work if some of the women members want the husbands there.

I would just think through how to respond to different results here (he's cold, he's gushy, he told a different story about what you said to him) and have those responses ready, and then just wait and see if anything else does happen. It may blow over with nothing else said and even with him starting to back off coming to the group. Just be cool and as unemotional as you can, and take the high road of "He's just not aware that even small comments hurt -- poor dear."

Kudos to you for confronting him. That took major balls. And btw, you do not owe him or anyone else an explanation for your weight! And btw, why is that woman married to such a clueless creep? But anyway, HOPEFULLY your courage to say something directly to him made him aware that it's not OK if for SOME reason he really just thought they were innocent joking comments. (???!!).

As for how you feel, it's like I tell my kids all the time: When someone says something mean about someone, the one with a problem is the one saying the meant thing, NOT THE PERSON THEY'RE ATTACKING. Try your best not to give any of your perceived self worth to this guy. No normal, nice people feel that way about other people's weight. Normal nice people have no judgement about the weight of others, and they CERTAINLY do not make rude digs about it. Is he NUTS??!

The cruel vicious cycle is that feeling bad about yourself will make your weight worse. Once you love yourself and take good care of yourself your health will improve. Meanwhile, the important people in your life love you for who your are, and you need to love yourself too. Every day. So don't give power to the enemy. He is crazy. If anyone heard him or saw him say those things, their hearts broke for you, because they know he's a nut bag.

I think your husband should punch him if he dares to do that again. Which I don't think he will because you handled him well.

She obviously is sticking up for her husband and his boorish behavior in her letter to you. He's her husband, so of course she'll take his side and try to minimize what his words meant. That's not what you heard and saw, and you know the truth better than she does obviously. I would distance myself from these jerks because you aren't going to change them, and they aren't going to listen to what you have to say. That's already very evident.

I would find another book club, and if I had any interaction with these two twits again, I'd completely ignore them. If they tried to make small talk, I'd walk away. I don't have time for people who are mean and judgmental. I had enough of that in grade school. Obviously some people never grow up. They are a perfect example.

Hugs to you.

I would write back something like this....

"It appears to me that you are now attempting to clarify your husbands intentions for his comments. Perhaps if he had not chosen to say such phrases this would not have been necessary. Making comments to another woman like, "you don't need that" and "are you done with your loaf" while smirking seems odd to me. Maybe in the future your husband will be more careful with the words he chooses. As far as I am concerned this email ends our conversation and you do not need to reply. "

If she writes back do not respond, just leave it alone. He was in the wrong. You did the right thing already by saying something to him right up front. Don't let them make it out to be "your problem". That's what people who back peddle do, they say things like, "Oh, I didn't mean it like that" or "You just took it that way." Regardless of how confident or not confident a person is, they shouldn't put up with comments like that. Maybe he does it to other women and no one has ever called him on it. I'd be annoyed if someone said that to me.

Sounds like you can rule that couple out for any future get togethers. And, if you still enjoy that book club, do not stop going!! Hold your head up high and know that you were not over reacting!

For one, I would tell your DH so he can back you up with this guy. Sit away from the offender whenever possible. If he says something else, call him on it then and there, clearly so neither he nor anyone around you can miss it. "Tom, that was rather rude and not necessary. Worry about you own weight. So, where were we? Page 10?" Or "I can speak for myself, Tom. No, waiter, I am not done."

Further, while I don't condone such behavior, remember that you are feeling tender and sensitive right now, and try to weigh weather it was directed at you, if it was meant the way you took it, or if it was something you felt hurt by because it's a tender topic. Not just with this guy but anyone. If it was hurtful, speak up. I think that in a group of women, he may just find himself in very hot water.

I can possibly see the second remark ("are you done...?") as open to interpretation. Perhaps he was politely inquiring whether you were done. But perhaps he was implying something more negative. The first remark, however, was completely out of line.

I would write back to the wife, and I'd tell her that although she views her husband as the very epitome of kindness and consideration, his interactions with you have been anything but.

And I'd just tell her that right now, there are many stressful situations and issues that you are facing right now, and that you need to surround yourself with people who are encouraging, kind and supportive. You might tell her that unsolicited comments to near strangers about eating habits or personal preferences are not appropriate, and that you'll be leaving the club now.

I'm sorry he said those things to you. I hope that you can realize your strengths and your gifts and your positive qualities and that you will not let one rude person define you or humiliate you. Give someone else an encouraging word today, whether it's a tired mom in the grocery checkout line, or a harried cashier, or your children or husband. Tell someone thank you. And look for support and love in unexpected places and within your own family and stay strong.

It really stinks when ignorant people say such hurtful things!

A couple of things to keep in mind. First, what he is doing is very socially unacceptable. Most likely anyone else in the group that heard him would have thought less of him, not you.

Second, you don't really know him. If this were someone you were close to, those comments would be very offensive. Since he doesn't know you, they were ignorant. It's not always easy, but you have to try and let those comments just roll off your back. Just roll your eyes and say to yourself, "What an ignorant jackass." He doesn't know you! Don't give him the power to really hurt you.

Third, I understand you were upset. It took courage to call him out, but you also gave him power and satisfaction. I realize you were trying to appeal to his humanity, but if you had said and done nothing, you would have shown him that he can't hurt you!

The moms who suggestion you say something out loud, in front of the group are absolutely right (I'm just not sure I would ever have the courage to do that :-). But if that is too much of a reach for you (as it would be for me), a great thing to do is put on a very brave face as if to say, "Comment all you want, you are NOT going to upset me!"

Wow......The wife made it all about herself....speaks volumes.

Be the bigger person, don't respond back, you were there and you know what happened, no need to build your case.

The only thing I can suggest for you is not to take things personally. It's a reflection on them and not you. I personally would not surround myself with folks who had a lot of "inside jokes" no one would understand.

I think 2015 is the year you find a new book club! Seriously, weight is not the issue. You know what you need to do and when to do it. Shaming never does anyone any good.

Remember who you are deep inside and let her shine TODAY....we don't want to wait to see her until she "thinks" she's the perfect weight!

S.

It does sounds as if you are very focused on your body and others perceptions of it. Please know that it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, your inside spirit is what is most important.

I do agree with you that the first incident was specific and a bit rude.

Had it been me and I felt it was a completely rude comment I'd have said "Excuse me, did I understand you to say i don't need this dessert?" and then stare him down.

Please don't sit near him anymore. Find a few allies that don't know anything about this and try to manage it where you are sitting between them. Try to sit at a different table from him too.

If you can't do this then you really need to find a larger book club to participate in.

I'd write her back and specifically say that he said you didn't need that dessert and ask her what she thinks he means by that. It could be he has very poor social skills and doesn't have any idea how to converse other than poorly chosen comments he thinks are cute.

She sounds like an incredibly defensive person. She is trying to make her husband's comments acceptable and they aren't. With that being said, EVEN if he didn't say that--the least they could've done as your friend is to apologize for the fact that your feelings were hurt. That's what a good friend does...

I'd do my best to let it go. They don't sound like the greatest, most sensitive friends and sometimes these are reminders of who you are truly dealing with.

I want to say this, I am soo sorry and while the letter justified Brian's comments, it still feels like perhaps she was trying to make light of it so you wouldn't feel hurt and she can hold her head high in public. My sister is also married to a Brian coincidentally and she defends him right and left. Yes, maybe Brian meant it to be nice, but we know how and why we are reacting to things and I am sure you are able to correctly identify your feelings. I am sure she remembers she elbowed and nudged him and she probably gave it to him on the way home and wanted to rectify this by writing the letter. If you can forgive and drop it. I am sure Brian was put in his place by his well intentioned wife. So sorry you went through that. There is no mistaking little under the breath comments. So don't let someone think you are all paranoid and have this stuff in your head.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'm actually amazed that the Jack A$$ said those things to you. It seems that in today's society people feel more free to say exactly what is on their mind in places like this one (Mamapedia) and Facebook. I think this insensitivity comes from not being face to face with the person, but to just say things like that in person is really awful. Is he still in high school, does he have some sort of social retardation? There has got to be an excuse for his horrible insensitivity and manners. Oh wait a minute, there is NO excuse. Honestly I'm thinking your husband should have asked him to step outside!!

Kuddos to you for calling him out. I would have stewed about it but most likely would never have said anything to him. Perhaps you should make a suggestion for the book your club reads... How To Shut The H#!! Up Unless Someone Asks You.....Eat, Pray, Hope I'm Not In The Dark Alley With You...

Happy Holidays!!!

M.

I am glad you stood up for yourself, you did the right thing, even if he did not mean the comments the way they came a crossed. At the same time, I know first hand that comments and even looks can be taken wrong by a person when that person is judging themselves. So many times I thought people were judging me with looks, I imagined any comment that might be about weight was, because I could not accept myself the way I was. I did not change my body, I changed my view of myself and learned to accept myself and my changed body, and when I got less judgmental of myself I saw less judgement in those around me.

The only person who has done anything wrong at this point from what I see is his wife (assuming his comments were innocent, but if they were not you already talked to him and I am assuming he would stop at this point). That message was rude and insulting. I would let her know that yes, you agree with her that her message was incredibly rude, and that you are sorry she felt the need to make a situation that had really already been handled into something that will now be awkward for everyone. I would not let it affect you going to book club, don't let her poor words chase you away. I would contact Brain and let him know that you understand that you may have taken his words wrongly and you hope that the two of you can have no hard feelings about it.

These people sound creepy.

Sorry for the circumstances but I would find another book club. It's supposed to be fun and this club sounds like a strange and ugly social event.