Something Other than Counting to 3? - Owens Cross Roads,AL

To me it sounds like Abby is needing extra attention. I have found in my 15+ years experience with children, that sometimes a well mannered and well behaved child can change overnight if something is upset in their world, something that is very small and insignificant can cause waves of disturbances. Their behavior can be a way of showing that something is going on because they have complete control of how they interact with others, and if they are out of control of something, say moving to a different room, they retake control and it appears that they are misbehaving. The birth of your son created a huge shockwave for her, and since some of the other ways she has probably tried to regain some of the control/attention haven't worked, she's being defiant. That gets her negative attention, but at this stage she is desparate and is acting out because she knows that without a doubt she will get attention...it doesn't matter how she gets it! She needs more hugs, more kisses, more love words, and some special time with her mommy and daddy away from Dillon. She needs to feel special in her own world, and I bet if she gets that, you may see a change very quickly. I know you have probably heard before to catch her doing good things, and praise her for doing them, and it sounds like a quick cliche, but it takes practice and a consistent effort in doing it.

I would stay away from rewarding her for behaving well, because she should behave well and feel good about it all by itself. You would be setting her up for a reward system for her life, and if she didn't get a reward, she would not be motivated to do whatever the task set before her for years to come. The things we do now are the foundation for the way they live their life later. Stick to the counting to 3, then give her consistent discipline EVERY TIME she does not do what you ask. Also, be aware of how realistic your instructions are, and if they are followable (if that is even a word) by a 4 year old. I often tell my husband and my other mom friends to be aware of what you ask of your child, and to choose your battles well. Sometimes things can slide if they are age typical misbehaviors that can be nipped at the bud by immediately sitting down with your child and explaining in terms they can understand why that is wrong for them to do. Use words they can understand, and like I said before, be consistent. If you discipline for something once, you must keep disciplining over and over again. Consistency is key in raising children, which you probably already know.

So in addition to counting to 3, Abby must know what the consequences of her misbehavior are going to be. Also, let her know that you love her no matter what, but she will have to pay the consequences for her misbehavior. Spend more one-on-one time with her whenever possible...and I don't mean like huge day activities, but 15 minutes reading her favorite book or sitting and having a special tea party with her and her alone with all the trimmings include little sandwiches and maybe her favorite drink, not just tea. Make her life special which will in turn make her feel special and loved and secure, and will give her the attention that may thwart misbehavior.

I hope you don't think any of this is talking down to you because I didn't intend any of this to do it. I do all that I just encouraged you to do, and tell my friends and family the same thing when they seek my advice. Good luck, and I hope you keep me posted on your progress.

Good luck,
N.

I took a class on love and logic and they suggest giving children a choice but also letting them know when something is comming up so they can be prepared. For example in 5 min we will be switching rooms. When there is something that has to be done and can't wait then you will have to help them do it. Lets say its bed time and your daughter is fighting you. You can give her a choice of brushing her teeth first or going potty. Going to bed is not a choice but the order in which she gets ready for bed is.
Love and Logic also teaches that counting to three is not that great because in life you don't get three chances. If you get caught doing somthing bad there is an imediate action. One of the things that I have found that works best for me with my children is to soclize there help. My oldest Dillon says to take him firmly by the shoulders and move him to wear he needs to be. I am rabbling on I hope I have helped some.
M.

Hello J.,

I would like to share what works in our household....
We have a almost 7 yr old and almost 3 yr old (both girls). When my oldest was about 4 or 5 yrs old, we implemented the "behavior box". It is basically a craft box from a supercenter. It contains 3 colored sticks, which she begins each day with. For misbehaviors, she is told to pull a stick. Each stick is worth a "behavior buck" (fake dollars) which she can cash in for privledges (date with Mom/Dad, staying up late on weekends, etc), that are worth a certain "dollar" amount (we have a price list). This means that each day, she has the potential to earn 3 "bucks". If she loses one stick, she only earns 2 "bucks", etc. It has worked really well.
It works to show that she is in control of her destiny. Only she can determine if she has "earned" her privledges. As a side note, it also helps with delayed gratification and understanding money management.
In addition to the behavior box, we also earn marbles for behavior we would like to see repeated (this works for both children). Niceness, manners, etc are rewarded with marbles, and 25 marbles = $1 (real money - this is how they earn their allowance). For ex. if my daughter is helpful at the dinner table, nice to her sister, etc, I tell her she can get a marble. She does it herself, so if we are in the car, or out somewhere, she can move them to her cup when we return.

Both of these systems work very well, and unlike sticker boards, etc, they are not time consuming and labor intensive.

I hope this helps.
C.

Don't get creative with the discipline. Use what works. I would suggest time out. When you see something react immediately. She gets one warning. You wait a second or two if she continues immediately go to time out. You're teaching her that she needs to mind an authority figure. Giving her candy when she obeys is a bribe no matter what you call it. She needs to learn to do it because it's the right thing to do and not because there is something good in it for her. What do you do when you run out of M&M's? Maybe all she needs is for you to expect her to behave AND then follow up quickly and consistently when you tell her you will punish. Reward with praise and or with priviledges. What does she get to do that the baby doesn't? If she behaves she gets to pick out the menu (providing you offer choices first--hot dogs or hamburgers?), she gets to have the first piece of dessert, she gets to pick out the family DVD, she gets 15 minutes at the park, etc. I did this with my son when he behaved horribly one week with the sitter. I took him to the park, starting getting out of the car and they said, "Oh, no! Bad boys don't get to go to the park." Then I put him back in his car seat and we went home. The next day when I picked him up the sitter said he'd been much better. He remembered and asked to go to the park. I then stopped at the park (Friday) on the way home. I don't do it every time but I do time out and reward him when appropriate. He likes to help me cook so if he doesn't behave he doesn't get to help. (helping consists of throwing away the onion tops or stirring up a batch of kool-aid) Remember to catch her doing the right things and point it out. You reward good behavior with praise and a few seconds or so of extra attention. Don't make a big deal out of it or you'll find yourself making a production out of everything but a brief, "You were so good at the store today, honey. Thank you." would be wonderful.

Hey,
It's T.. I don't know the answer to that one, but does it ever end? Good luck.

Hello,
you are not alone I have 2 and 5 yr old boys. They challenge me daily. There is a book called Creative corrections. it is written by Lisa Wetchel. you can find it at the Christian Book store. there is also a workbook that you can purchase to go with it. Lisa, is Blair from Facts of life. She will be In Clarksville the last weekend of April doing a mommy in me workshop. Tickets are on sale now. If interested check her out on the site. Best of luck to you and your family.

I have a 5 yr old son and a 3 yr old daughter. For a while, we used a job chart. When they did a job, they got to put a magnet on the chart. If they got enough magnets during the week, they got a special treat at the end. It sounded great but it got to the point that they wouldn't do anything unless they got amagnet for it. We had to stop it. I think the M & M jar might work the same way. She might not obey unless she gets something for it. You want her to obey because it is the right thing, not because she gets candy.

When you count to 3, what happens when you get to 3? If there is no consequence, she will not comply no matter how hard you count. We count to 3 but when we get to 3 the child gets a time out (1 minute for each year). If the child whines, argues, or says they are not going to take a time-out, the time-out is automatically doubled. If they continue to whine, no time-out but they lose something for the rest of the day (such as a favorite toy or computer time). After 8 p.m. they lose something right away instead of the time-out (this prevents them from getting a time-out on purpose just to delay bedtime. We usually take away a favorite friend they sleep with or something?).

I would definately praise her when she obeys the first time.
Good luck.

I both agree with some things and disagree with others. I have 2 children (4 and 3) and we currently use a sticker chart which works really well and they are only told 3 times before they dont get the sticker for that particular thing. For example on Blake's sticker chart there is "no sassy mouth" so if I have to tell him 3 times during the day to watch the sassy mouth he doesnt get the sticker for that day. This way he gets a chance to correct his behavior without immediatly being punished.. I believe in time out but not for little things.. You have to remember to chose your battles.. if she is totally not behaving you want to correct that but you also need to be firm and explain to her what she is doing wrong.. I think you should praise her when good behavior is done (as soon as you notice it) and also make sure she has time with you (and daddy) without her little brother. Yes she loves him but she still needs "abby time".. maybe while dillon is napping you can do something special with her.. or if you run to the store real quick take her with you and leave dillon with daddy.. little special things will show her that behaving all the time will get her special rewards.. i also like the suggestion of the box w/ the sticks.. you want something that is going to work for your family.. a sticker chart doesnt work for everyone.. if you have more than one problem you want to make sure you can use whatever method you are doing to incorporate each problem. dont tell her she can have an m&m if she listens but then also give her an m&m for when she cleans up.. you need to explain EXACTLY why she is being rewarded (and punished).. a child needs to know what they are doing wrong and they need the chance to correct their bad behavior before they are punished.. how do they know its bad or not right if they are never told.. just think if we didnt have laws how would we know whats legal and whats not??? we wouldnt.. i hope this helps and if i think of anything else i will let you know...

I don't know why you wouldn't want to reward a kid for being good...that to me is sending them the right message! I wouldn't use candy or any other kind of food. That is what makes it "comfort food" later in life. I would write fun activites or things that your daughter likes to do and put them in a jar...and when she's being really good let her pick out a piece of paper from the "fun activity jar"!! Good Luck!

My children are 4 and 2. I started a star chart. I print off on the computer and for each great thing they do, minding, picking up toys, etc. they get a star. When the chart is full (there are 31 spots on mine because I do it like a calendar). They get a surprise, either a movie, book, stickers, or a night out with mom or dad. Sometimes I let them get a junk food, but snice I am trying to lose weight I don't keep it in the house, but they like the occasional french fries, candy, or potato chips and I understand that because they are kids.

It seems to work well particularly with my 4 yr old because if she is refusing to do something I will say, "You have 5 minutes to "whatever I wanted her to do" if you haven't started and mommy has to do it you get no star.

Good luck in wat ever you decide, I am curious to see what other moms do.