Sometimes I Just Don't Want to Play

You poor thing. I would go insane. But you really should ask his therapist. This isn't a typical 5 year old who just needs to learn to play in his own. I would say that being in the room with you should be enough for some periods of time but again, not a professional. Helping you with chores is probably one of the best suggestions.

I can't even imagine trying to entertain a 5 year old constantly throughout the day! Kudos to you, mom.

Maybe you could try some cut and paste - you draw some shapes on a piece of construction paper - he cuts them out and pastes them on another piece of paper just randomly - like a collage. You can try getting him started and then just sit back and let him do it. That way you're there but it's mindless for you so you at least get a mental break. Having to talk for his character friends would be exhausting!

Also, what about puzzles? Again, you can sit there, but don't really have to participate. Or maybe you can participate by just handing him the pieces.

Good luck! I hope he is able to work through the issues caused by the "incident."

If he needs extra reassurance and support, then you give it. But that doesn't mean endless play. That means, if it's time to go to the kitchen, then you both can set the table and empty the dishwasher and wash the veggies for the salad. You can both put the laundry in the washer, fold stuff, match socks. You can do the recycling while he takes out the trash, you can put the groceries away, you can grocery shop together (he holds the list, helps find the things on the shelves, and maybe puts a few things in the cart or on the conveyer belt - you do the glass or other breakables, he does the boxes and cans), and so on. Yes I know it takes longer than doing it yourself, but it accomplishes two things - he learns that families work together to get stuff done, and he may find that independent play is more attractive than chores with Mom. Just because he has some anxiety issues doesn't mean that he's in charge of everything nor that he gets to dismantle the house. Set aside one cabinet that has stuff he can play with (plastic containers, old pots & pans, etc.) but the rest of the stuff is off limits.

My son would go through periods of anxiety at this age. He needed to know where I was at every moment, and when he realized I was no longer in the room or could not hear me he would call and come running. The solution that finally worked for him was the swimming game Marco/Polo.

I realized when he would call out for me, he needed the verbal reassurance I was there. So I explained to him that instead of constantly following me around trying to come up with things to talk about, we could play or use the words "Marco/Polo" like at the pool. That way, whenever he felt worried that I might not be around, he could call out "Marco!" and I would answer "Polo!" from wherever I was in the house. That way I could answer him without having to stop what I was doing (which was a lifesaver for me). Within two days of "trying" this, his constant running after me was cut down to almost nothing. The first day he would call out "Marco!" for what felt like was every three minutes. But my answering "Polo!" gave him a solution that he could really work with. I even flipped it on him a few times and called out "Marco!" to him and had him giggle and answering "Polo!" back to me.

You won't lose anything by giving it a try. I really recommend it as a useful tool. It gives your son a small feeling of control over his anxiety. As a follow-up to my story, my son is now 8, and just last week out of nowhere I heard him call "Marco" from another part of the house. I instinctively answered "Polo". For whatever reason, something was causing him to feel anxious that afternoon, and three years after I taught him this as a coping tool, he used it to help calm his nerves. I was really proud of him. :)

Honestly, a little tv never hurt anyone. Mom needs some sanity in her life, and it's ok!

Do you have an IPad? You could also try an educational game. Even Angry Birds once in awhile would be ok.

ETA - Oh my gosh! What a terrible, terrible story. That just breaks my heart! You are a very strong, loving Momma. Good luck to you!

School, playgroups, additional therapy. Sorry your kid is so needy. Wishing you strength to see him through and to keep your own strength, sanity, sense of self intact.

Angie-
Looked through some of your past posts. Extra hugs to you and your kid. He has been through a lot in his short life.

Best,
F. B.

You might want to try having him play by himself, but in the same room with you. My daughter and I do a lot of that, I'll read a book and she'll play elaborate Monster High scenarios, or I'll pretend to read a book and watch a royal wedding between Magneto and Princess Twilight Sparkle (she won't be as imaginative if she thinks I'm watching for some reason). But just let him know he needs to entertain himself, but you are there, you're not leaving. If you're cleaning the kitchen, set him up at the table with play doh or legos or something. Something he can do on his own, maybe explain to you what he's doing, etc, but that you don't have to be directly the one playing with him all the time.

Part of the problem with the mommy guilt is trying to over compensate. I have a 9 month old who would rather play by himself, which drives me and big sister crazy because we want to constantly be with him, which he tolerates, but is perfectly happy to do his own thing. I've had to force myself to let him explore and do things himself when I just want to hold him all the time when I'm home. You aren't doing your son any favors by teaching him that he should be constantly entertained. He needs to learn to do things himself and amuse himself.

i just can't see how it's any more helpful to cater to this degree of need-to-be-entertained than it is to enforce boundaries, anxiety or no.
i'm afraid any of my suggestions would be considered inappropriate because this child has anxiety issues.
but i don't know what anyone here could suggest if his therapist has no ideas.
i'd still go back to the oxygen mask scenario. 'playing' no-stop for 14 straight hours every day would turn me into a gibbering idiot. for your sake AND his, i suggest you find some things he can do in sight and sound of you, but yeah, force him to do it on his own.
khairete
S.

You can set boundaries with your son, and not allow him to rule you, while still being sensitive to whatever issues he might have. Not doing so is really doing him a disservice in the long run. Tell him what he should expect, and then FOLLOW THROUGH. "Johnny, I will play spongebob for ten minutes, that's until the clock says 3:25, then I'm going to clean the kitchen and you can sit right here and play or you may sit at the kitchen table and play or color so that you'll be able to see me the whole time!"... "No Johnny, we are not going to take apart the lamp, but you could make a dump truck using your Legos or blocks"

Try letting him play with water - fill up your kitchen sink half way and have your son stand on a step stool. Give him measuring cups, spoons, matchbox cars, cups...add some dish soap to make bubbles, put on some zen music and make that an activity for when you're folding laundry or making dinner. You can be in the same room together and it's a very relaxing way to play.

Best,
T. Y

How does he do being in the same room but not actively playing with you? And would you be able to steer him toward board games or games with a defined beginning and end that might be more tolerable than Spongebob? My DH is the active play person and I'm the reader/crafter person most of the time. You might also try enlisting him when things need to be done, like give him his own brush and dustpan, or asking him to wash the potatoes for dinner.

IMO, given what your son went through, I think that clear expectations will benefit him long-run. Let him know what to expect. Build in "quiet time" into your schedule so he can see that x time is "quiet time/independent play/reading" and you take that as quiet time for yourself, too. Model this for him. Make it part of the routine, like bedtime or breakfast.

Not sure if someone suggested this, but if your home is large enough and you can afford it, but small chairs and tables for each "family" room. A special place for him to sit and stay where he can see you while you do what needs doing. Books to read, coloring books, puzzles, Duplos for the tables. He can sit and play to the side of the kitchen while you cook. Sit in the livingroom while you fold laundry. You can even set up a chair in the bathroom for him to sit on and read while you...do whatever. Heh.

Good luck.

PS: Also thought about a baby bean bag chair/carpet square/ small rug that can be moved room to room as needed.

My daughter was 4 when she experienced trauma related to her (idiot) father. We did a a lot of puppet shows (which her therepists said was a good form of displacement), but 14 hours!?!?
Around the same time I chose to try abcmouse.com (because I couldn't get a spot for her in preschool/head start). It was awesome! She would call me over to the computer to show me what she could buy with her her tickets. But for the most part it bought me an hour of *me* time.
Have you done oobleck or diy moon sand together?
Good for you for hangin in there! It's tough!

Lots of lovely suggestions-- and I'm very sorry that you two are at an early part of your healing. It is hard, but please stick with it-- it will happen.

I love the idea of having him 'play' with you, doing adult activities or helping. This will give you a break from the childish activity. Dinner? Can you start a half-hour early and have him help you? He might not be able to cook at the stove but can pull stuff out of the crisper, cut up basic fruits and veggies, mix up 'sauces' (my son did one last night for our asparagus and fish because he finds this fun), wash or rinse foods being used... there are plenty of things he can help with.

One of the awesome things about doing something a kid might find "boring" is that if you stick where you are, he might go off and play on his own. If he tries to get you to do what he's doing, redirect. "I'm playing "Restaurant Dinner" now-- do you want to set the table?" Keep offering inclusion while sticking with what you need to do. It's a soft boundary--you aren't telling him to go away, you are saying that he can be with you doing what you are doing.

This is really important for him to learn that he doesn't get to direct how other people use their time AND that when others play with him, give and take in directing the activity is involved. Use this as a teaching moment.

And yes, the timer... start small. Consider a gentle game of hide and seek, and make your hiding spots predictable and easier at first. You can "Peep" if he is worried he can't find you and he can follow your voice. Learning that he can trust that, even when he can't see you, you are there-- so important.

I completely agree with Diane B. Spending time together does not always mean you cater to his playtime.

My kids used to try to pull this - bring out all the Barbies and want to watch me play etc. This lasted about 2 minutes. My kids don't have separation issues, so I told them I'll play with them, but not for them. So I hear you! I personally, as a adult, find crafting and playing dress up and other play extremely boring. It's takes a conscious effort for me to do those things, but I love spending time with my kids.

Diane B. nailed it on the head. Have him help you clean up - help cleaning his room, your room, vacuum, dust, put dishes away... All of it - and real help not just watching. He's 5, he's capable of helping with all those things in an age appropriate way. If he starts to complain it's boring you can tell him go play on his own for 15 minutes while you finish up. Otherwise he can continue to help you. If he successfully plays on his own, then reward him with an activity together. After your activity is done, the chores start again. Then he has the same choice.

You may find he's not as clingy after all. Right now you are standing on your head entertaining him - of course he doesn't want the fun to end!

I don't know what strategies your therapist has given you, so I apologize if I'm repeating or contridicting. IMO, I would try delayed gratification and patience stretching to help the process along.

For delayed gratification, you tell him you need to do something like make a phone call, fold the laundry, etc. for 5 minutes (increase the time if you can). During that time ask him to complete a chore or play alone for specified amount of time, and set a timer with a beep. Let him know you will play with him a special game when the timer beeps.

For patience stretching, tell him you'll play but stop after 5 minutes and tell him you need a break to go to the bathroom, refill your coffee, change out the laundry, etc. Tell him you will come back to the game when you are done.

The fact that you are there to play the game when the timer goes off or when your chore is done might help his anxiety issues if the root cause is fear of being separated from you permanently.

I read your back story too, and many good vibes sent your way. I'm sorry you and your son have been through such a trying time.

Sorry about the situation and the incident with the ex-husband. Wow.

I read this post looking for suggestions because my "normal" 5 year old is also driving me crazy, needing me to play with him all the time! So I can only imagine what you're dealing with. I think all of these suggestions are great and I intend to use them myself.

I would add reading to the list of suggestions. I've used reading as my saving grace since my son was only a few months old. He's now into chapter books and loves to "read" on his own sitting next to me, or when I send him to his room (for time out). It's ok if your son isn't a reader yet, just looking through picture books and reading with you is the way to begin. Oh, and if you're good at voices, you can really make the characters come alive for him... but start with your normal intonation, you don't want him expecting different voices for every character, every time!

Stay strong Mama! Sounds like you're doing your best.

What about inviting another child over to play with your son? You could even do a little bit of paid child care and get paid to provide your son with a playmate.

I have a highly energetic child with ADHD, and I homeschool her, so I believe I do feel some of your pain. ;) I don't think there's anything wrong with saying to such a child, "We have played a few games you wanted to play, and now I want to sit here quietly and read my book. If you want to play here in the room with me, that's okay, but I need you to play quietly so I can read." Will he be thrilled to hear this? No, of course he won't. No child enjoys not being the center of mom's attention at all times. My daughter would love nothing more than to be the sole focus of my attention always. But let's face it, as moms we NEED a little time to ourselves, and this is especially true for those of us with high-needs children. We are better moms when we have some downtime. There is nothing wrong with telling your child that you need some quiet time and/or you have something else you want/need to do while he entertains himself. It's a good life skill for him to develop, whether or not it will thrill him to do so.

If he's 5, he can read a clock, yes?

With my kids of this age, I give them solid numbers to keep sanity for all of us. For example: "I will play with you for 20 minutes. So when the clock says 6:40, I will be done playing." Or, conversely, "I am in the middle of doing dishes. I will be done in 15 minutes. So that means that when the clock says 6:45, I will come and play with you. Until 6:45, you need to play with playdoh (or whatever) by yourself." If they still keep coming to ask, I just answer "Does the clock say 6:45 yet?"

If I just say "later" or "in a few minutes", it's too vague and they just keep asking. Because 37 seconds later IS "later" to them.

ETA: yes to Diane B and Loving M's responses too. I often give my kids the choice of "Well, I'm cleaning the kitchen, so you can clean the kitchen with me, or you can play in the living room by yourself." Honestly, my 5 year old usually chooses cleaning with me. But it's ok. He can wipe the table and run the swiffer vac. He can put away silverware. It's not perfect, but he's learning.

I don't have anything to add to the wonderful suggestions you've already received but just wanted to say how sorry I am that your son had to go through such an awful, traumatic experience. I'm also sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience at the hands of someone who was supposed to love and treasure you.

Just sending good thoughts your way for the both of you.

J. F.

Please understand I know what it's like to have a child like this, I've had interaction on the child care end of this but not as the parent. I know how frustrating it was for us. I would ask you to consider this.

If he has a diagnosis from a doctor and this can, in any way, be a diagnosed mental illness he might be able to start school now and go year round. In Oklahoma kids with disabilities that effect more than one area of life skills can go to a special program at age 3. It's designed to help them get ahead of their problems the best they can and do well in school.

Your son was left alone and it severely traumatized him, he may never get over this is what I'm getting at. If this is so then that is something you may have to consider. He may be 30 and still doing this. He might also get to 1st or 2nd grade and suddenly make a ton of friends that are always there during the day and realize he has someone around all the time. He might bond with that idea and situation too.

I'm trying to say I understand how difficult this must be for your son's therapist too. There is a distinct possibility that keeping him home full time and you quitting work would build him up enough to where he'd gain that confidence and ability to be away from you when school starts then there's also that part that wants to rip it off like a bandaid and just make him go cold turkey and he'll eventually deal with it.

I would say he needs to go every day of the week so he'd not be confused and think he has a choice to stay home. It's really harder on the kids that don't go full time. Really, it is. They don't adjust as quickly or completely as the kids that go to child care or preschool as the ones that come every single day. Kids understand "this is the weekend" but it's confusing when every other day or so it's "today is a school day" because they get to stay home other days of the week, why not today too?

But if the trauma he suffered at dad's house was so awful and he's not going to get over it then something else has to be done. He can't function like this and neither can you.

I assume you are single since you don't mention a step dad or boyfriend helping. It might help to have a family member move in with you to provide respite care. Someone that will understand this is a trauma and be understanding of their "job". That they're not there to help out in the common way. They'd need to do some training on how to deal with this behaviors and have patience to see the big picture.

No one is expected to deal with what you're dealing with, please know you have my sympathy because I'd not be able to do it. I know that about myself and I know I'd go in the bathroom and shut the door forcibly and lock it, then I'd probably sit on the toilet for half an hour and bawl like a baby.

There are programs in Oklahoma for respite care, for parents of kids with disabilities and they also take in grandparents raising grandchildren. We get several hundreds of dollars set aside for respite care. We get vouchers and when we leave the kids with someone for an evening out or so I can work or something we simply give them a voucher and they send it in to the state then they get a check a week or so later.

It's handy to have for sure. It gives my husband an evening off when I'm working evenings and he'd have the kids alone for hours. We found out about this program and many others through the local social services office. We went in to apply for food stamps and the nice lady gave us a pamphlet with a lot of programs in it. It was O.A.S.I.S. at that time. It's changed now and "better".

So there is hope, getting help and getting him immersed might make it quicker but harder for sure. But his therapist should be getting some help from someone that has more specialized treatment history so you and your son can move the right way even if it is more painful.